J.D.: [v.o.] As for me, I couldn't help but imagine what my own funeral would be like.
[fantasy:]
Choir: [singing] My girl wants to party all the time Party all the time
Minister: Yeah! And as you know, J.D. only had two requests. And that is that the choir sing the song that would remind us of how much he loved to party and that he could get one last hug from each of you.
[J.D.'s casket is stood vertically and his arms are spread out]
Elliot: You are the only one I've never faked it with.
Keith: It's true.
Dr. Cox: Hell, I love you, Newbie. I should have done this a long time ago. [hugs J.D.]
J.D.: I knew you loved me. I just had to fake my own death to prove it. He loves me everyone. Can I get an Amen?
All: Amen!
J.D.: Whoo, got him good! [Dr. Cox breaks J.D.'s neck] Worth it.
[reality:]
J.D.: And then we'd have my real funeral.
Dr. Kelso: Are you an idiot?
J.D.: No, sir, I'm a dreamer.

Turk: How do you know sign language?
Janitor: Well, when I was in high school I was a volunteer janitor at the Hoboken Zoo. And one night I was out plucking peacock feathers for pens, when I noticed Gary the gorilla making the sign for food. I gave him my danish, he gave the sign for "Thank you". Those were the only two signs that Gary knew. Except for boobs. He liked them big and hairy.
Todd: Join the club, player.
Janitor: Get away.
Todd: Okay.
Janitor: So, eventually Gary, I'm sorry to say, died of lung cancer. For that I blame myself because I used to share my smokes with him. But he also piqued my interest in signing, and in his memory I took my first signing class.
J.D.: Is any of that true?
Janitor: Someone would have to read it back to me.

Dr. Cox: Okay. What's the problem?
Carla: Laverne was our friend and people are walking around like she never existed. It's not right, you know?
Dr. Cox: Yeah. Tough crap.
Carla: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: You can't tell other people how to feel, you just can't. Some wanna cry, that's fine. Others may choose to laugh and, guess what, that's okay too. Plus, you don't know what's going on inside people's heads. Take, um, take pee-pants here. Now, how do you know he's not thinking about Laverne, right now?
Doug: I am thinking about her. I haven't seen my cellphone since her autopsy. You don't think if I call it-
Dr. Cox: You're done. So, to sum up, tough crap. Hope that helps. [whistles] People, before I disappear for 20 minutes, I wanna make sure all my patients are alive. A simple "Still here" will suffice. Sound off like you've got a pair.
All: Still here.

J.D.: Ted, we know denying surgery isn't technically child abuse, we were just wondering if we have any legal recourse.
Ted: Just give me one second.
Turk: Are you looking for a legal precedent?
Ted: No, I'm looking up the word "recourse".

Waitress: I haven't seen you in a while.
Elliot: Oh, she just had a baby.
Waitress: Well then how can you be drinking? Aren't you breastfeeding?
Jordan: I haven't decided. Were you breastfed?
Waitress: Of course I was.
Jordan: That is so interesting! Cause you're a slaggy buttinski who ended up becoming a waitress for a living. Maybe breastfeeding isn't the answer. This is the greatest night ever!

Turk: You know what's weird? He doesn't seem like a bad dad. He really loves that kid.
J.D.: It must be hard with the divorce. He barely gets to see his son.
Turk: Would kill me.
Janitor: Maybe being deaf was the biggest connection he and his son had. You know, when I was a kid, I made my dad teach me sign language so I could communicate with my deaf sister. I ended up closer with her more than anyone. Maybe Mr. Frances is afraid of losing that.
J.D.: Is any of that true?
Janitor: Mostly. My dad died before I was born.
J.D.: Wait a minute. I met your dad.
Janitor: You met a man.

Minister: Brothers and sisters, as we leave here today, let's not mourn Laverne's passing. Amen.
All: Amen!
Minister: Let us celebrate her life, for isn't that what she would want us to do?
All: Mmm-hmm.
J.D.: That's where she got that!

J.D.: [v.o.] What Carla didn't know was that some people were already taking Laverne's life lessons to heart.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, can I ask you a favor?
Dr. Cox: Actually, Bob, out of respect for Laverne, no! You see, according to the Right Reverend Jimmy T. Givens, that's the name I gave the minister in my mind, every day, Bob, every day, I am to take twenty minutes for myself. Right about now I'm going to be entering my imaginary soundproof glass bubble. That way, I don't have to be bo- [Dr. Cox moves his mouth without emitting a sound]
Dr. Kelso: I was just going to ask you to keep your yapper shut while I read the paper, so everybody wins.

Dr. Cox: Why would you do such a thing?
Jordan: I was hoping that you would hate the name so much that you wouldn't be able to hide your spite for your daughter, and she would love me more than you.
Dr. Cox: I gotta go.
Jordan: Don't forget! Mamma's coming home tomorrow, so the fridge needs to be restocked with rice cakes and vodka.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, while you were on bed rest for the last two months, I served as mother, father, butler, breadwinner and, thanks to our son's penchant for eating nickles and your irrational fear that they're never going to pass through his system, poo-poo sifter. I was hoping that upon your return you would start to assume some domestic responsibilities?
Jordan: Pass!

J.D.: [v.o.] Everyone reacts differently at funerals. Some people wear their emotions on their sleeves. Others are more stoic. And there's always that one guy who's completely inappropriate.
Doug: I did her autopsy.
Man: I'm her uncle.
Doug: Your niece had beautiful guts.
Dr. Kelso: Nice save, chief.