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35Quotes from ‘My Words of Wisdom’

Scrubs: My Words of Wisdom

616. My Words of Wisdom

Aired April 12, 2007

After Nurse Roberts' funeral, the staff at Sacred Heart get back to work while trying to follow some of Laverne's life lessons. J.D. and Turk get unexpected help from the Janitor when they treat a deaf boy. Elliot tries to be the perfect girlfriend for Keith, even if she's really just keeping her heart closed off. Dr. Cox tries to take twenty minutes to himself, but finds himself continually called upon.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] As for me, I couldn't help but imagine what my own funeral would be like.
[fantasy:]
Choir: [singing] My girl wants to party all the time Party all the time
Minister: Yeah! And as you know, J.D. only had two requests. And that is that the choir sing the song that would remind us of how much he loved to party and that he could get one last hug from each of you.
[J.D.'s casket is stood vertically and his arms are spread out]
Elliot: You are the only one I've never faked it with.
Keith: It's true.
Dr. Cox: Hell, I love you, Newbie. I should have done this a long time ago. [hugs J.D.]
J.D.: I knew you loved me. I just had to fake my own death to prove it. He loves me everyone. Can I get an Amen?
All: Amen!
J.D.: Whoo, got him good! [Dr. Cox breaks J.D.'s neck] Worth it.
[reality:]
J.D.: And then we'd have my real funeral.
Dr. Kelso: Are you an idiot?
J.D.: No, sir, I'm a dreamer.

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Quote from Janitor

Turk: How do you know sign language?
Janitor: Well, when I was in high school I was a volunteer janitor at the Hoboken Zoo. And one night I was out plucking peacock feathers for pens, when I noticed Gary the gorilla making the sign for food. I gave him my danish, he gave the sign for "Thank you". Those were the only two signs that Gary knew. Except for boobs. He liked them big and hairy.
Todd: Join the club, player.
Janitor: Get away.
Todd: Okay.
Janitor: So, eventually Gary, I'm sorry to say, died of lung cancer. For that I blame myself because I used to share my smokes with him. But he also piqued my interest in signing, and in his memory I took my first signing class.
J.D.: Is any of that true?
Janitor: Someone would have to read it back to me.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Okay. What's the problem?
Carla: Laverne was our friend and people are walking around like she never existed. It's not right, you know?
Dr. Cox: Yeah. Tough crap.
Carla: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: You can't tell other people how to feel, you just can't. Some wanna cry, that's fine. Others may choose to laugh and, guess what, that's okay too. Plus, you don't know what's going on inside people's heads. Take, um, take pee-pants here. Now, how do you know he's not thinking about Laverne, right now?
Doug: I am thinking about her. I haven't seen my cellphone since her autopsy. You don't think if I call it-
Dr. Cox: You're done. So, to sum up, tough crap. Hope that helps. [whistles] People, before I disappear for 20 minutes, I wanna make sure all my patients are alive. A simple "Still here" will suffice. Sound off like you've got a pair.
All: Still here.

Quote from Ted

J.D.: Ted, we know denying surgery isn't technically child abuse, we were just wondering if we have any legal recourse.
Ted: Just give me one second.
Turk: Are you looking for a legal precedent?
Ted: No, I'm looking up the word "recourse".

Quote from Jordan

Waitress: I haven't seen you in a while.
Elliot: Oh, she just had a baby.
Waitress: Well, then how can you be drinking? Aren't you breastfeeding?
Jordan: I haven't decided. Were you breastfed?
Waitress: Of course I was.
Jordan: That is so interesting! Cause you're a slaggy buttinski who ended up becoming a waitress for a living. Maybe breastfeeding isn't the answer. This is the greatest night ever!

Quote from Janitor

Turk: You know what's weird? He doesn't seem like a bad dad. He really loves that kid.
J.D.: It must be hard with the divorce. He barely gets to see his son.
Turk: Would kill me.
Janitor: Maybe being deaf was the biggest connection he and his son had. You know, when I was a kid, I made my dad teach me sign language so I could communicate with my deaf sister. I ended up closer with her more than anyone. Maybe Mr. Frances is afraid of losing that.
J.D.: Is any of that true?
Janitor: Mostly. My dad died before I was born.
J.D.: Wait a minute. I met your dad.
Janitor: You met a man.

Quote from J.D.

Minister: Brothers and sisters, as we leave here today, let's not mourn Laverne's passing. Amen.
All: Amen!
Minister: Let us celebrate her life, for isn't that what she would want us to do?
All: Mmm-hmm.
J.D.: That's where she got that!

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] What Carla didn't know was that some people were already taking Laverne's life lessons to heart.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, can I ask you a favor?
Dr. Cox: Actually, Bob, out of respect for Laverne, no! You see, according to the Right Reverend Jimmy T. Givens, that's the name I gave the minister in my mind, every day, Bob, every day, I am to take twenty minutes for myself. Right about now I'm going to be entering my imaginary soundproof glass bubble. That way, I don't have to be bo- [Dr. Cox moves his mouth without emitting a sound]
Dr. Kelso: I was just going to ask you to keep your yapper shut while I read the paper, so everybody wins.

Quote from Jordan

Dr. Cox: Why would you do such a thing?
Jordan: I was hoping that you would hate the name so much that you wouldn't be able to hide your spite for your daughter, and she would love me more than you.
Dr. Cox: I gotta go.
Jordan: Don't forget! Mamma's coming home tomorrow, so the fridge needs to be restocked with rice cakes and vodka.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, while you were on bed rest for the last two months, I served as mother, father, butler, breadwinner and, thanks to our son's penchant for eating nickles and your irrational fear that they're never going to pass through his system, poo-poo sifter. I was hoping that upon your return you would start to assume some domestic responsibilities?
Jordan: Pass!

Quote from Doug

J.D.: [v.o.] Everyone reacts differently at funerals. Some people wear their emotions on their sleeves. Others are more stoic. And there's always that one guy who's completely inappropriate.
Doug: I did her autopsy.
Man: I'm her uncle.
Doug: Your niece had beautiful guts.
Dr. Kelso: Nice save, chief.

Quote from Elliot

Keith: Elliott, I know I was supposed to be sad at that funeral, but all I could think about was how lucky I am to have you in my life, you know?
Elliot: I'm sorry, I'm just not really in the mood for relationship talk.
Keith: Yeah, sure.
Elliot: And don't you dare remove that tie.
Keith: Let me guess. You wanna do some crazy sexual role-playing.
Elliot: No, I just never get the chance to see you in a suit, that's all.
Keith: Elliot?
Elliot: Fine. I'm a trailor-trashy popstar who rarely wears underwear, and you're one of my backup dancers who's not quite sure about his sexuality, yet.
Keith: No, I don't wanna do Britney and K-Fed anymore. Ever since the divorce it's too sad.
Elliot: Okay, you're one of Rhode Island's top defense attorneys, and I have just hired you because I killed my husband in an argument over my addiction to painkillers.
Keith: Got it.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Oh, what's up your caboodle?
Carla: Caboodle?
Elliot: Oh, it's a new word I'm trying out to replace "ass". I have loose morals, and I'm living in sin, so still hoping that not being a potty mouth will to get me into heaven.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: You know, if we learned sign language we could talk in the movies without Carla yelling at us.
Turk: But it's so dark how could we see what we're signing?
J.D.: We'd get special glow-in-the-dark signing gloves.
Turk: Yeah, but then the popcorn butter would get all over the gloves.
J.D.: Why do you keep poking holes in this? We'd cut off the fingertips!

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: What?! What now? What does somebody need now?
J.D.: Our deaf patient's father won't sign a consent form so he can have a cochlear implant.
Dr. Cox: Hmm. Who could you possibly go to if the father won't sign? Here's a hint. It begins with an "m", and ends with an "r".
Janitor: Marg Helgenberger!
Dr. Cox: The mother. Get the mother to sign it. The mother will sign it.
Turk: The mother.
J.D.: I told you.
Janitor: I'm glad it's not Marg. We did not end well. Hell hath no fury like a Helgenberger scorned.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Keith.
Keith: What, Elliot?
Elliot: How can I say this? Llook, I once had a dog named Precious, he was a great Dane, and I loved him so much. I mean, even after he disemboweled old lady Morgan's cat. Seriously, he like slit her right down the middle, and threw her up in the air, and then the guts just flew out of her like shiny red fireworks. Precious was such a sweet dog and then one day, out of the blue, he bit me. And I knew that my dad would have him put down, so I said that I was bitten by Mrs. Morgan's bulldog which, ironically enough, she had gotten to replace the murdered cat. Anyway, they came and took the bulldog away and I never said a word. To this day, I wish I'd spoken up before it was too late. Do you know what I'm saying?
Keith: Not even a little.
Elliot: I love you, Keith. I really do. Gotta go, see ya.
Keith: Elliot, come here.


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