Dr. Cox: A tip jar. Really? So what am I supposed to do, just duke you my change because you poured hot water through beans? Well, I'll tell you what, my friend, unless you're also planning on giving me a complimentary reach-around with my beverage, I'm afraid the answer is yeah... no! Here's a- Here's a novel idea: Why don't you go fetch me a very large cup of coffee with so damn many fake sugars in it that the coffee itself gets cancer.

Dr. Kelso: You don't scare me. Eventually, you will all come crawling back. Now, how about somebody gets me a banana-nut muffin, and hold the spit, please.
Janitor: As manager, I reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.
Dr. Kelso: Manager? You have worked here one day.
Janitor: Corporate loved my ingenuity. I was saying the two most addictive substances on earth are caffeine and nicotine! Behold. [hums] Smokachino for Kyle. Kyle! Smokachino for Kyle! Enjoy that. That's as tall as he's gonna get.

Carla: Ugh, my breasts are so sore. I wish I could just give you formula.
Todd: [o.s.] Formula's bad for the baby. Boob milk's healthier!

J.D.: [v.o.] Dr. Kelso discovered change was not always welcome.
Dr. Cox: A coffee place in a hospital? What's next, Bob, an ice cream parlor in the morgue? Admittedly not a horrible idea, seeing as the freezers are already down there, plus it'll be a perfect place for kids. One of our famous vanilla malteds definitely takes the sting out of having to identify the freshly charred remains of your father!
Dr. Kelso: Nobody else seems to mind.

Elliot: So, you're having chest pains, Mr. Turner.
Dr. Turner: Actually, it's Dr. Turner.
Elliot: You look like someone I used to date. I had a brief older guy jones, but now I'm with someone more age-appropriateand I'm like, "Ew, what was I thinking?"
Dr. Turner: Mm. We are disgusting.
Elliot: Yeah, but for some reason I was curious. Anyhoo, uh, we'll just run the usual tests.
Dr. Turner: Sounds good.
[later:]
Elliot: Dr. Turner seems like a nice guy. And he's hot you know, like if you left Brad Pitt out in the sun forever. Stop it, Elliot! It took you months to get over that old man fetish!

Turk: Wow, I got a family.
J.D.: I know. In seven months, I'm gonna have a family, too. Did you ever think we'd be here back when we were freshmen in college? Remember that first week when I found you hooking up with my girlfriend, and you said you guys were only naked underneath the covers because you'd had a water-balloon fight and you were cold?
Turk: J.D., for the last time, nothing happened.
J.D.: Please, this isn't about that. It's just that I looked all over, I never found any balloons. You'd think there'd be some balloons.

J.D.: [v.o.] It was a day of discovery. I discovered that I could sex my pregnant girlfriend into a coma. Nice! Carla discovered that her baby wasn't the only one who loved breast feeding.
Carla: Oh, are you hungry, sweetie?
Todd: I could eat.

Kim: Relax, it's just sex. We should be able to talk about it.
Turk: I'm not telling Isabella she's got a vagina till she turns eighteen.
Kim: That's gonna be an awkward birthday party.
Turk: Do not tell my daughter she has a vagina! I'm serious!
J.D.: It may have already come up.

Elliot: Guys, guys, I got a good one.Is it me, or does-
All: ...someone need to switch to decaf?
Turk: Lay off of Elliot. She doesn't watch as much old TV as we do.
Elliot: You actually stood up for me! But, now I'm forced to ask-
All: Who are you? And what have you done with Turk?
Elliot: [high-pitched yell] Stop finishing my awesome jokes!

Dr. Cox: Blondie, he is private practice. Those guys are cocky jackasses who don't give two shakes about anybody else's opinion but their own. They're... They're me, with one addendum: They're whores. And I'm not talking about the good kind of whores like my ex-wife. They're whores for money.
Elliot: Is that a tip jar?
Dr. Cox: Look I'm figurin' if those lumps down at the coffee shop can have one, I can, too. Listen to me. You may like Turner right now, but he is a doctor, and doctors make terrible patients. Sooner or later, they all try to treat themselves.