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40Quotes from ‘My Coffee’

Scrubs: My Coffee

603. My Coffee

Aired December 14, 2006

Turk tries to make a little extra money now the baby has come. Elliot treats a private practice doctor who tries to take charge of his own care. After Dr. Kelso approves a new coffee shop in the hospital, the Janitor leads a revolt to get the support staff dental coverage.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: A tip jar. Really? So what am I supposed to do, just duke you my change because you poured hot water through beans? Well, I'll tell you what, my friend, unless you're also planning on giving me a complimentary reach-around with my beverage, I'm afraid the answer is yeah... no! Here's a- Here's a novel idea: Why don't you go fetch me a very large cup of coffee with so damn many fake sugars in it, that the coffee itself gets cancer.

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Quote from Janitor

Dr. Kelso: You don't scare me. Eventually, you will all come crawling back. Now, how about somebody gets me a banana-nut muffin, and hold the spit, please.
Janitor: As manager, I reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.
Dr. Kelso: Manager? You have worked here one day.
Janitor: Corporate loved my ingenuity. I was saying the two most addictive substances on earth are caffeine and nicotine! Behold. [hums] Smokachino for Kyle. Kyle! Smokachino for Kyle! Enjoy that. That's as tall as he's gonna get.

Quote from Todd

Carla: Ugh, my breasts are so sore. I wish I could just give you formula.
Todd: [o.s.] Formula's bad for the baby. Boob milk's healthier!

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] Dr. Kelso discovered change was not always welcome.
Dr. Cox: A coffee place in a hospital? What's next, Bob, an ice cream parlor in the morgue? Admittedly not a horrible idea, seeing as the freezers are already down there, plus it'll be a perfect place for kids. One of our famous vanilla malteds definitely takes the sting out of having to identify the freshly charred remains of your father!
Dr. Kelso: Nobody else seems to mind.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: So, you're having chest pains, Mr. Turner.
Dr. Turner: Actually, it's Dr. Turner.
Elliot: You look like someone I used to date. I had a brief older guy jones, but now I'm with someone more age-appropriateand I'm like, "Ew, what was I thinking?"
Dr. Turner: Mm. We are disgusting.
Elliot: Yeah, but for some reason I was curious. Anyhoo, uh, we'll just run the usual tests.
Dr. Turner: Sounds good.
[later:]
Elliot: Dr. Turner seems like a nice guy. And he's hot you know, like if you left Brad Pitt out in the sun forever. Stop it, Elliot! It took you months to get over that old man fetish!

Quote from J.D.

Turk: Wow, I got a family.
J.D.: I know. In seven months, I'm gonna have a family, too. Did you ever think we'd be here back when we were freshmen in college? Remember that first week when I found you hooking up with my girlfriend, and you said you guys were only naked underneath the covers because you'd had a water-balloon fight and you were cold?
Turk: J.D., for the last time, nothing happened.
J.D.: Please, this isn't about that. It's just that I looked all over, I never found any balloons. You'd think there'd be some balloons.

Quote from Todd

J.D.: [v.o.] It was a day of discovery. I discovered that I could sex my pregnant girlfriend into a coma. Nice! Carla discovered that her baby wasn't the only one who loved breast feeding.
Carla: Oh, are you hungry, sweetie?
Todd: I could eat.

Quote from Turk

Kim: Relax, it's just sex. We should be able to talk about it.
Turk: I'm not telling Isabella she's got a vagina till she turns eighteen.
Kim: That's gonna be an awkward birthday party.
Turk: Do not tell my daughter she has a vagina! I'm serious!
J.D.: It may have already come up.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Guys, guys, I got a good one.Is it me, or does-
All: ...someone need to switch to decaf?
Turk: Lay off of Elliot. She doesn't watch as much old TV as we do.
Elliot: You actually stood up for me! But, now I'm forced to ask-
All: Who are you? And what have you done with Turk?
Elliot: [high-pitched yell] Stop finishing my awesome jokes!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Blondie, he is private practice. Those guys are cocky jackasses who don't give two shakes about anybody else's opinion but their own. They're... They're me, with one addendum: They're whores. And I'm not talking about the good kind of whores like my ex-wife. They're whores for money.
Elliot: Is that a tip jar?
Dr. Cox: Look I'm figurin' if those lumps down at the coffee shop can have one, I can, too. Listen to me. You may like Turner right now, but he is a doctor, and doctors make terrible patients. Sooner or later, they all try to treat themselves.

Quote from Janitor

Dr. Kelso: Where the hell did you all come from?
Janitor: Sneak attack. You can put your shoes on again, guys. Nice work. Dr. Kelso, as spokesman for the support staff of this hospital, I have a request.
Dr. Kelso: I do not want to hear any more about a college scholarship fund. Stop filling your children's heads with nonsense. Pull them out of high school and teach them a trade like plumbing or undertaking.
Janitor: None of us here even have kids, except for Margo, and she sold hers. We want a dental plan.
Dr. Kelso: Dental is for old people. You young bucks have years before you have to worry about your choppers.
Janitor: One, two... [they all talk a tooth out]
Dr. Kelso: Lovely. No.
Janitor: Rudy? Did you tear an actual tooth outta your head? We were all faking it, man! What are you- Okay, don't worry. You know what? I got a jar of monkey teeth in my workbench. What's that, molar? We're gonna be all right.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Uh, heh, who's the new guy?
Dr. Turner: Oh, this is Dr. Kershnar from my practice. Elliot Reid, I was telling you about. Give her a wave. So...
Elliot: Look, as a doctor, I know that you're gonna be tempted to wanna treat yourself, and I just want you to know that's not gonna fly with me.
Dr. Turner: Understood.
Elliot: Great. Now, I believe that surgery on your abdominal aortic aneurysm's gonna be too aggressive I'd like to start you on twenty-five grams of Lopressor.
Dr. Turner: Don't you mean twenty-five milligrams?
Elliot: There! See? You're already trying to treat yourself! That was a test.
Dr. Turner: But twenty-five grams would kill me.
Elliot: I know. But i-i-it's still a test.
Dr. Turner: Fine. From now on, you're the doctor.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: I'd like to see the blueberry again. [nibbles] Blueberries taste fresh. Hint of lemon zest. I'm intrigued. And unfortunately processed flour. No thank you. Let me try your carrot. [As Cabbage turns around, Dr. Kelso walks away with the muffin]

Quote from Janitor

Jason: I've a non-fat latte with room for Schnapps for Janitor?
Janitor: Yep, thank you. Nice braces. You're not worried about, uh, spider monkeys?
Jason: Spider monkeys?
Janitor: Spider monkeys see intricate metal work as a display of dominance. It's a threat to them. They'd tear your eyes out.
Jason: Well, I'm just psyched this place is paying for 'em.
Janitor: You get dental?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: And here we are. Even though Kershnar's signature is on the chart, this is the gentleman who ordered the surgery.
Elliot: No, he didn't. Tell him.
Dr. Turner: What would you like me to say?
Dr. Cox: I'm just gonna go ahead and tip myself for calling this one! Thank you... me!

Quote from Doug

Turk: Well, I don't see you giving the money back to cotton candy man.
J.D.: As a matter of fact, I already did.
[meanwhile in the morgue:]
Doug: A twenty. Score! Cool shirt.

Quote from Janitor

Dr. Cox: Giant coffee.
Janitor: Saw you coming. Here's your vente drip. How 'bout a Corinne Bailey Ray CD. With her stripped-down sound and chilled-out vibe, this British soul superstar is one of the year's hottest newcomers.
Dr. Cox: You know what? I'll take one of those.
Janitor: It's a sale.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Elliot: You know the worst thing about Turner's surgery? I'm gonna be right, but he's gonna die. It'll be a hollow victory.
Dr. Cox: If I got to be right and have a private practice doctor die due to his own idiocy, I would call that a pretty full victory.

Quote from Janitor

Dr. Kelso: Banana-nut muffin, please.
Jason: Sir, I've been told not to serve you.
Muffin: Hey, just take me. What are they gonna do, put you in jail? You're Bob Kelso! Just grab me and run! Do it!
[Kelso tries to grab the muffin, but the plexiglass counter blocks his reach]
Janitor: Yay. All right, I'm going on break. Don't touch the muffin puppet.


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