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39Quotes from ‘His Story III’

Scrubs: His Story III

519. His Story III

Aired April 18, 2006

After trapping J.D. in a water tower, the Janitor has time to himself and spends it talking to a patient with "locked-in syndrome". Meanwhile, Carla protects one of Elliot's interns who made a mistake, and Dr. Cox claims Turk has a stereotypically white personality. [Narrated by the Janitor]

Quote from Carla

Carla: Keith, you better not tell her who did it.
Keith: But Elliot scares me.
Carla: Elliot is a blonde, 108-pound ski pole from a cul-de-sac in Connecticut. I am an underpaid pregnant nurse from the block, who, over the next six months, will become fatter and angrier. Now, who are you really afraid of?
Keith: The fatty.
Carla: Be careful, Keith.

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Quote from Janitor

Janitor: [singing] Drill-fork It can drill and fork Mostly fork.

Quote from Carla

Carla: How's my mom doing?
Turk: I asked her if she still hated me and then the sprinklers came on.
Carla: Give her time. She's only been dead for three years.

Quote from Turk

Dr. Cox: That laughing had better not be aimed in my direction, bro.
Turk: Bro? Dude, bros don't even use "bro." You're not as hip as you think you are.
Dr. Cox: And you are?
Turk: I'm black. God knew my people would go through struggles, so he gave us a lifetime supply of cool to compensate. Like he knew white people would be rhythmically challenged and he gave y'all this dance.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: You're black? 'cause, last I checked, you had a nerdy white best friend, you enjoy Neil Diamond, and you damn sure act like a black guy. And these, my friend, are all characteristics of white guys. Now, please understand, I'm a huge supporter of the NAACP. I mean, if you don't know what stands for, that is the National Association For The Advancement Of Colored People. And quite frankly, I always thought they should change the "Colored People" to "African-Americans." But then of course it wouldn't be the NAACP, it would be the "N quad A," or NAAAA. And I know this probably sounds like a digression, but it actually leads me back to my original point: Do I think you're black? Nah.

Quote from Janitor

Nurse: [to Mr. McNair] Knock, knock.
Janitor: [v.o.] Who's there? Nurse Mophead. Nurse Mophead, who? You have a mophead.
Nurse: Well, your new computer should be here tonight.
Janitor: [to Mr. McNair] She got out of here in a hurry, didn't she? I know what that's like, when people say the bare minimum to you. But with me it's usually, "Mop that floor. Clean that counter. Stop provoking that bear." Want me to keep you company? I don't mind. I'm just working on my own stuff anyway. I'm a bit of an inventor. I'm gonna show you my latest one: Pen straw. Perfect. Ahem! Except I don't like that cola. It tastes like ink.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: You know what he doesn't get? I could have been a janitor anywhere. When I got out of college, I had offers. Morgan Stanley, DuPont, I even considered taking a year off and cleaning my way across Europe. But no, I chose a hospital. You know, I'm not kidding myself. I don't have the most important job in the world, but I work in a place that helps people, and I always thought I was part of that. Who cares.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Second, if Junior gets scared, he can always climb into bed with us. That's what I did with my mom.
Carla: What do you mean "did"? J.D., last Christmas, I walked in on Turk and his mom cuddling together in bed.
J.D.: [v.o.] Turk gets defensive when it comes to his mother.
Turk: I think you're just jealous 'cause your mom's dead.
J.D.: Whoa! We should probably take a break.
Carla: No, no, no, no. You're going to finish building that crib like you promised. And you are driving to the cemetery, cleaning up my mom's grave, and asking her for forgiveness.
Turk: I hate having to ask for forgiveness.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Mr. McNair had locked-in syndrome, a paralysis so severe that he could only communicate through a computer that responds to his eye movements.
Dr. Cox: Check his vitals, Eva.
Mr. McNair: [through computer] Why does he call you a girl's name?
J.D.: Oh, thank you for asking, Mr. McNair. You see, the thing about Dr. Cox is the closer he feels to a person, the more he needs to push them away. So when he calls me Eva, he's actually saying, "J.D., I care about you." Vulnerable people like-
Mr. McNair: Oh, my God. I get it now. Carol. Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol-
J.D.: Now you're being a jerk.
Mr. McNair: Carol
J.D.: Jerk! Jerk! Jerk!
Mr. McNair: Carol, Carol, Carol
Dr. Cox: Newbie!
J.D.: What?
Dr. Cox: I'm relatively certain the computer is broken.
Mr. McNair: Carol, Carol, Carol
J.D.: My bad.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

Dr. Cox: Laverne, what are you doing out here?
Nurse Roberts: Well, tonight's date night with Mr. Roberts and I like to prime the pump by watching the young men sweat.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

Nurse Roberts: Lonnie, play with Dr. Cox. Let's go!
Turk: [laughs] Ooh! Ooh! [laughs] Look at the glasses! Look at the mouthpiece!
Nurse Roberts: Dr. Turk is not aware that Lonnie was all-conference at Villanova.
Dr. Cox: Laverne, would you go ahead and thank what's-his-name for me?
Nurse Roberts: Jesus?
Dr. Cox: That's him.

Quote from Elliot

Carla: Elliot?
Elliot: You're wasting your time. You know how interns stick together. They're never going to rat each other out.
Elliot: What you're forgetting, Carla, is that I am sleeping with one of those interns. Now, seeing as I've already gotten Keith to pee sitting down so there's absolutely no chance of seat splatter, I'm betting that I'll probably be able to get him to talk. Keith! Meet me in the caf in half an hour.

Quote from Turk

Carla: Oh, I love it! And you know, they say it's the safest thing we can do for our baby. Can we get it?
Turk: No, no, no. Let's take it back before somebody sees me. As a matter of fact, get down! Get down.
Carla: Hey! [laughs]
Dr. Cox: Hello, that's a nice ride, huh, Dexter? [honks] Hate to bother you, but could you explain to me one more time, what's it like to be a young, hip black guy?
Turk: You see, Dr. Cox, what I'm gonna do is we're gonna pimp this out. We're gonna throw some 22s on it, put some spinners on the 22s.
Carla: Ooh! And a DVD player so the kids can watch Elmo.
Turk: You're killing me, woman.

Quote from Elliot

Keith: Elliot, I am not gonna tell you who messed up with Mrs. Best.
Elliot: Oh, no problem. I just wanted to grab a cup of coffee. Oh, and introduce you to my mom.
Lily Reid: Mom. That makes me sound so old. I had C-sections with all my kids, so everything is as it was down there.
Keith: Uh, very nice to meet you, Mrs. Reid.
Lily Reid: You and Elliot would have such cute babies. I keep telling her, she's only got about five more years to pop one out. Have you ever seen chubby Elliot?
Keith: Uh, no.
Lily Reid: Well, if you want to see it, just break up with her and wait a couple of weeks. When she's depressed, she hits a bag of Doritos like there's diamonds at the bottom.
Elliot: Love you too, Mom.
Lily Reid: [phone rings] Ah! That's your dad. [answers phone] How did you get this number?
Elliot: You like her? Because if you don't tell me which intern messed up, I'm going to beg her to move here.
Keith: She's just a little weird, Elliot. I can handle weird.
Lily Reid: [leans in and licks Keith's neck] I'm sorry. The light just hit you so perfectly, I had to have a taste.

Quote from Turk

Carla: Baby, you're not really bothered by what Dr. Cox said, are you? You know you're my black prince.
Turk: Baby, that's not it. I know I'm black. I'm reminded all the time. Patient doesn't want a black doctor, people think I know the score to every NBA game, and I told you what happened last week when the new board member met the surgical staff.
[flashback: an old, white man is going down the line introducing himself:]
Board Member: Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Hey, what's up, dawg? Nice to meet you.
[present:]
Turk: It's not even about that. It's about the nursery. It's about that stupid minivan. I don't know if you know this, but overnight I went from Chris Turk, Stud, to Grandpa Turk, the guy who wears overalls and does embarrassing dances at cookouts.
Carla: You do that now.
Turk: But in a cool way.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Well, Mr. McNair, I hope you don't mind me hanging out all day talking to you. I don't think you do mind. I got a seventh sense about that sort of thing. My sixth sense is I can tell when squirrels are afraid. Anyway, I know you lost your computer and I thought maybe you were a little bit Ionely. I've been Ionely around here a couple times. I don't know. I just hope I helped.


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