Carla: Keith, you better not tell her who did it.
Keith: But Elliot scares me.
Carla: Elliot is a blonde, 108-pound ski pole from a cul-de-sac in Connecticut. I am an underpaid pregnant nurse from the block, who, over the next six months, will become fatter and angrier. Now, who are you really afraid of?
Keith: The fatty.
Carla: Be careful, Keith.

Janitor: [singing] Drill-fork It can drill and fork Mostly fork.

Dr. Cox: You're black? 'cause, last I checked, you had a nerdy white best friend, you enjoy Neil Diamond, and you damn sure act like a black guy. And these, my friend, are all characteristics of white guys. Now, please understand, I'm a huge supporter of the NAACP. I mean, if you don't know what stands for, that is the National Association For The Advancement Of Colored People. And quite frankly, I always thought they should change the "Colored People" to "African-Americans." But then of course it wouldn't be the NAACP, it would be the "N quad A," or NAAAA. And I know this probably sounds like a digression, but it actually leads me back to my original point: Do I think you're black? Nah.

Carla: How's my mom doing?
Turk: I asked her if she still hated me and then the sprinklers came on.
Carla: Give her time. She's only been dead for three years.

Dr. Cox: That laughing had better not be aimed in my direction, bro.
Turk: Bro? Dude, bros don't even use "bro." You're not as hip as you think you are.
Dr. Cox: And you are?
Turk: I'm black. God knew my people would go through struggles, so he gave us a lifetime supply of cool to compensate. Like he knew white people would be rhythmically challenged and he gave y'all this dance.

Nurse: [to Mr. McNair] Knock, knock.
Janitor: [v.o.] Who's there? Nurse Mophead. Nurse Mophead, who? You have a mophead.
Nurse: Well, your new computer should be here tonight.
Janitor: [to Mr. McNair] She got out of here in a hurry, didn't she? I know what that's like, when people say the bare minimum to you. But with me it's usually, "Mop that floor. Clean that counter. Stop provoking that bear." Want me to keep you company? I don't mind. I'm just working on my own stuff anyway. I'm a bit of an inventor. I'm gonna show you my latest one: Pen straw. Perfect. Ahem! Except I don't like that cola. It tastes like ink.

Janitor: You know what he doesn't get? I could have been a janitor anywhere. When I got out of college, I had offers. Morgan Stanley, DuPont, I even considered taking a year off and cleaning my way across Europe. But no, I chose a hospital. You know, I'm not kidding myself. I don't have the most important job in the world, but I work in a place that helps people, and I always thought I was part of that. Who cares.

Turk: Second, if Junior gets scared, he can always climb into bed with us. That's what I did with my mom.
Carla: What do you mean "did"? J.D., last Christmas, I walked in on Turk and his mom cuddling together in bed.
J.D.: [v.o.] Turk gets defensive when it comes to his mother.
Turk: I think you're just jealous 'cause your mom's dead.
J.D.: Whoa! We should probably take a break.
Carla: No, no, no, no. You're going to finish building that crib like you promised. And you are driving to the cemetery, cleaning up my mom's grave, and asking her for forgiveness.
Turk: I hate having to ask for forgiveness.

J.D.: [v.o.] Mr. McNair had locked-in syndrome, a paralysis so severe that he could only communicate through a computer that responds to his eye movements.
Dr. Cox: Check his vitals, Eva.
Mr. McNair: [through computer] Why does he call you a girl's name?
J.D.: Oh, thank you for asking, Mr. McNair. You see, the thing about Dr. Cox is the closer he feels to a person, the more he needs to push them away. So when he calls me Eva, he's actually saying, "J.D., I care about you." Vulnerable people like-
Mr. McNair: Oh, my God. I get it now. Carol. Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol-
J.D.: Now you're being a jerk.
Mr. McNair: Carol
J.D.: Jerk! Jerk! Jerk!
Mr. McNair: Carol, Carol, Carol
Dr. Cox: Newbie!
J.D.: What?
Dr. Cox: I'm relatively certain the computer is broken.
Mr. McNair: Carol, Carol, Carol
J.D.: My bad.

Dr. Cox: Laverne, what are you doing out here?
Nurse Roberts: Well, tonight's date night with Mr. Roberts and I like to prime the pump by watching the young men sweat.