Dr. Cox: You know, Bobbo, I find you less repugnant as of late. I'm developing a begrudging indifference to you.
Dr. Kelso: Ah, Perry, you're so edgy and cantankerous. You're like House without the limp.

J.D.: [v.o.] Now that Dan knew Elliot wasn't into him, my focus had shifted from keeping him away from her to avoiding him so he doesn't kill me.
J.D.: Hey, Mr. Brooks. Let's get these bandages off you, huh? What are you doing?
Janitor: Mr. Brooks wanted safety tips on operating propane heaters.
J.D.: As long as you're not my brother.
Janitor: I had a brother once. Well, he's still my brother. My parents adopted him when I was about 12. He was about 46. Actually older than my parents. His name was Clete and he talked like this, "How's it going? How's it going?" Good kid. Did what they said. Make the bed, mop the floor, sweep the lawn, whatever needed to be done. Everything was good till he was in his 50s and, wow, did he have a midlife crisis. Him and my dad fought constantly. And I mean really physically beating on each other. But I don't blame him for it. I blame my mom for sleeping with him. That's just out of line.
J.D.: Yeah.
Janitor: Anyway, the reason I'm telling you this is your brother told me if I keep you focused on me, he would let me watch.
J.D.: Watch what?
Dan: Hey, little brother.
J.D.: [screams]

Carla: Oh, what a cutie. Where'd this little guy come from?
J.D.: Doug found him in some dead guy's colon.
Carla: Ugh! [squeaks]
J.D.: Hey, little guy. Doug's still pretty upset about the whole thing.
Doug: Why would he live in there?

Dr. Cox: [whistles] OK, as you all know, Sacred Heart is dealing with a mountain of malpractice lawsuits courtesy of bumbling interns, clueless doctors and hack surgeons, or as I like to refer to them, you people. Now, since Sweaty Teddy here backs up his infinitesimal knowledge of the law with absolutely zero knowledge of medicine, one of you is going to have to go through claims, decipher medical stuff and somehow relay all of that into his tiny peanut brain. Ted, how many times did I insult you during that? I was shooting for five.
Ted: Only three, unless you count "Sweaty Teddy" as an insult. But my mom calls me that, and she loves me, right?
Dr. Cox: No, Ted. She hates you. Four. Now, since Ted has no life, and that's five, I'm going to let him hand select his very own victim. Ted.

J.D.: [v.o.] As for me, I bought a custom-made Italian suit.
J.D.: Huh? What do you think? I had it made for the christening. That little mixed-race embryo got a godfather yet?
Turk: J.D., that's something we have to discuss as a couple. [Turk points enthusiastically at J.D.]
Carla: You know what? I'm not sure that suit works on you.
J.D.: Thanks for your opinion, Carla. [to camera] But I'm much more interested in what you all think.
Lonnie: We don't love it.
J.D.: Well, who cares, Lonnie? Because all that really matters is whether or not America loves it. [points to camera]
Americo: [Italian accent] For the last time, it's Americo. And of course I love it. I made it.
J.D.: He's a dynamite tailor. Not sure why he's here.

J.D.: So, Dan, to what do we owe this... something.
Dan: Uh, I had to blow out of town. Mom doinked her new boyfriend and then guilted him into getting me an interview. [shudders]
J.D.: Well, you know, Mom does what she has to do.
Dan: Why do I need another full-time job? I got a sweet setup at home. I got a sweet pad in Mom's attic, I'm driving Dad's old Plymouth Horizon, rest his soul, and because I'm the senior bartender at KJ's, I get to take home half the extra chicken wings. A thank you.
Dr. Cox: Dan, do you ever have to pinch yourself to make sure it's all not some crazy dream?
Dan: That does not count as a formal hello, Coxsmith.
J.D.: Don't call him Coxsmith.
Dan: I call him Coxsmith.

Dan: Hey, boys. Hey, Chris, if there was a test to see if your baby was gay, would you do it?
[fantasy: Turk joins Carla as she gets an ultrasound. The doctor plays The Village People's Y.M.C.A on a cassette player so the fetus can hear. On the monitor, the fetus energetically dances.]
Carla: Oh, sweetie, he's-
Turk: Extremely. Yes. And I'm OK with it.

Dan: Hey, Elliot is wearing lingerie.
Elliot: Hey, Dan. J.D. told me you were coming. Um, this is Keith. I'm sure you're a little disappointed.
Dan: Yeah, I'm in. I go first.
Elliot: [stammering]
Keith: Um, Elliot, you have to ask me about things like this.
Elliot: And that is the father of my fake baby.

Elliot: What's up, J.D.?
J.D.: My brother's on his way up. You have to tell him the only reason you don't wanna be with him is 'cause he doesn't want kids now.
Elliot: J.D., just tell him the truth.
J.D.: Elliot, the last time I was honest with Dan about his life, it just made him feel like crap. We didn't talk until our dad died. Do you really want me to do that? Because I'm not sure what would get us back together this time. Dad can't die again.

Dr. Cox: I'm not having a staring contest with you, Ted.
Ted: OK, one-nothing, me. Oh, yeah. Yeah. OK, back to work. This next patient claims their stent was implanted incorrectly. What's a stent?
Dr. Cox: It's a tube that holds arteries open.
Ted: All right. And what's a Buckland?
Dr. Cox: That's a predominantly hairless growth never found on women.
Ted: Weird.
Dr. Cox: It's your last name, Ted.
Ted: Good one.