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39Quotes from ‘My Own Worst Enemy’

Scrubs: My Own Worst Enemy

701. My Own Worst Enemy

Aired October 25, 2007

J.D. and Elliot must decide where to go next in their respective relationships. Meanwhile, Dr. Cox struggles to diagnose a very likable patient, and the Janitor may have a new girlfriend.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Cox: That's it! Ladies and gentleman. Welcome to the first annual Sacred Heart "Who-Caresies" Awards, designed to honor those people who believe that others actually give a rat's ass about the minutia of their lives.
J.D.: [v.o.] The weird thing was I think we all really wanted to win.
[fantasy:]
Dr. Cox: And the nominees are Barbie Reid for "What Am I Going To Do About My Ex-Fiancee?". [applause] Dame Judy Dorian for: "I'm Done Self-Sabotaging". [applause] Gandhi for "I've Got Candy In My Teeth". [applause] The Todd for: "Look At My New Shirt". [awards-style split screen] And the winner is Dame Judy Dorian! This is Dame Judy Dorian's first nomination and first win.
[reality:]
J.D.: [v.o.] Suck on that, Tony Shalhoub!

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Quote from Turk

Elliot: Hey, I'm sorry for barging in so late, I hope I didn't interrupt anything important-
Turk: Actually, since I'm diabetic, Carla only lets me eat one candy bar every six months, so she was helping me choose which one to go with. First, we cut out all candy that sounds remotely racist, which includes all dark chocolate, and I know this sounds weird but, Jujubes. Then Carla was like "What about Junior Mints?", and I was like "Junior Mints?" Baby, if I want my candy to freshen my breath, I'd just lap some toothpaste on a whatchamacallit bar and go to town on that bad boy, you know what I'm saying? She knows I'm changing the subject 'cause she's sad. Come here, come here, Elliot. [they hug]
Elliot: No.
Turk: Okay. [walks away]
Carla: What did he ask you?
Elliot: Oh, he just wanted to know if there's anything I needed.
Carla: Elliott?
Elliot: He asked me if they still make Mars bars.

Quote from J.D.

Carla: So, how did it go with Keith?
Elliot: I haven't told him yet. His whole family's in town for the wedding, and so my house is filled to the freaking rafters with the Dudemeisters.
J.D.: You know how my college girlfriend, Stacy, broke up with me? She arranged it so that when I came home from class, I was able to see her riding in pleasure beneath a big, brown butt.
Turk: How many times do I have to apologize for that?
J.D.: [holding bread rolls] I still have nightmares about your cheeks, Turk, just bouncing, and bouncing. I can't sleep.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [on the phone] Hey, Kim. I know because of work I haven't seen you in a while, but do you mind if I grab a drink with Turk, tonight?
Turk: Tell her my dad died.
Kim: Go have fun with your friend. I'm gonna stay in and eat.
J.D.: Thanks, babe. Bye. [hangs up] See Turk? Now we can save that dad dying thing to go see the new panda baby at the zoo.
Turk: Oh, It's to late for that. She died.
J.D.: Not Ming-Ming?
Turk: Her mama sat on her and then ate her.
J.D.: Stupid nature.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: I can't believe I almost messed things up with Kim. What's wrong with me?
Dr. Cox: You're an annoying, whiny man-child.
J.D.: That question wasn't directed to you!
Dr. Cox: What question?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Mr. Hutnik, I see here you were admitted for swollen lymph node and abdominal pain.
Mr. Hutnik: I'm also having heart palpitations.
Dr. Cox: Oh, I think I can help you with that. Well, you see, I'm very, very handsome.
Mr. Hutnik: I was gonna say.
Dr. Cox: Beardface, what you say?
Dr. Beardfacé: It's Beardfacé! Why did you people insist on calling me Beardface!
Mr. Hutnik: [clears throat] May I?
Dr. Cox: Go for it.
Mr. Hutnik: Well, I-I just got here, but if I had to guess I would say it's 'cause your face is, like, 5/6ths beard.
Dr. Beardfacé: Damn you!

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Elliot: Keith's been totally unprofessional.
Carla: Well, you were supposed to marry him last weekend?
Dr. Kelso: Speaking of which, I gave you a very high-end cappuccino maker, and seeing as there aren't going to be any nuptials-
Elliot: Yeah, yeah. You'll get it back.
Dr. Kelso: Great.
Elliot: Keith and I have to work together. How am I supposed to fix this?
Carla: You can't. You just gotta let him hate you you for a while.
Elliot: No, we can get through this. I'm gonna talk to him. Hey, wait a minute. We've only got one cappuccino maker and it was from my brother Barry.
Dr. Kelso: Worth a shot.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: Who are the flowers for?
Janitor: My girlfriend.
J.D.: You have a girlfriend?
Janitor: Just 'cause I'm Janitor means no woman could possibly be attracted to me?
J.D.: No.
J.D.: [v.o.] Yes.
Janitor: There she is, right down there.
J.D.: Really? What's her name?
Janitor: Lady.
J.D.: Lady?
Janitor: You don't believe me?
J.D.: Well, let's just say you've lied to me before.
Janitor: Watch this. Hey, Lady! Stay there. Don't- Don't come down here. I'll get these to you later. Your witness.

Quote from Turk

Turk: And then I had this weird crystallizing moment. I realized I didn't have to choose the candy. I could just let the candy choose me.
Mr. Hutnik: So what you get?
Turk: Bit O'Honey.
Mr. Hutnik: Oh! I'm so, so sorry.
Turk: Don't be. I ate that bad boy and I own a half going on, I'm still pulling bits o' it out of my teeth.
Dr. Cox: Oh my God, Gandhidiot. We'd be all be better served if we fill this patient with the creamy caramel center.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Big news, Sports' Fans! I've decided to start calling everyone sports fans. Yeah, I know I'm not exactly the jokey type, but I watched Hoosiers last night and I like sports now. Anybody have any objections? Marjory? Shocking. You're usually the one who has something to say about everything. I know you're the one who started the rumor that I like dudes. Alright, sports fans! I've almost gone an entire day without sabotaging myself. Hello?

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: [v.o.] I've done it. An entire day without sabotaging myself.
Lady: [to the Janitor] I'm sorry, but I don't even know who you are.
J.D.: Oh, oh. That seems like a strange thing for a girlfriend to say, isn't it? Hold on one second, I've to grab this.
Yello? Oh yes, he's here. It's the truth calling. Wants to know why you never tell it.
Lady: Ah! I mean, really, who are you? A necklace of my name on it? The man I met was sweet but I had no idea how sweet. [they kiss] Oh, you're going to get some.
Janitor: You just had to do the phone bit, didn't ya?
J.D.: Her name's Lady?
Janitor: Yeah.
J.D.: Whose named Lady?
Janitor: She is. She's got a brother named "Him", what do you care? Seriously, why do you force me to make your life miserable?

Quote from Janitor

Carla: J.D., you're not that self-destructive.
Janitor: Really? I was gonna suggest he seek professional help. Would you be interested in seeing a cognitive therapist? 'cause I know a guy, he's good. I'm going to give you his card, then I'm gonna bash your head in. I'll see you in the morning.
J.D.: I'm in at 7.
Janitor: Wear a helmet.

Quote from J.D.

Carla: I feel so bad for them.
J.D.: Mmm, me too.
J.D.: [v.o.] But actually I never really cared for Keith, or his farm boy looks, but now wasn't the time for that.
J.D.: [answers phone] Hey, Kim.
Kim: Get your butt home, already. We haven't seen each other in days. Don't you miss me?
J.D.: Of course I do.
J.D.: [v.o.] But the truth was I didn't. And then I had this weird, crystallizing moment. You see, there's an ancient principle you hear a lot about medicine: that the simplest, most obvious answer is usually the correct one. It's called Occam's Razor. It could mean your first instinct was right and it was Lyme disease.
Dr. Cox: Bull's-eye! And there's your tick bite. Let's put him on a hundred milligrams of Ceftin. Joe, you're gonna be fine.
Mr. Hutnik: Thank you, guys. Sincerely.


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