Dr. Kelso: Oh, Perry? I don't really know why I'm here, but Nurse Espinosa said if I didn't, she'd stop coming over to my house and giving instructions to my pool boy. He speaks perfect English, but doesn't have any front teeth, so I can never look at him without laughing. [chuckles] Anyway, I don't know what she expects me to say to you. I mean, all you do is bust my ass day in and day out. I guess you... you keep me in line on those rare occasions when I lose sight of things. You could say we balance each other out pretty well. [sighing] Perry the hospital needs you. I need you. What the hell are you doing?

J.D.: You're probably wondering why I didn't show up before, huh? I know you wanted me to, even though you'd never admit it. Normally I would kill to get into this apartment, and you'd try and keep me out. I say "try" because, at your Super Bowl party, which I was not invited to, I was lucky enough to be able to watch the second half from right over there. I was the bearded Domino's employee you invited in because I said I was a fan of Jerome Bettis, whoever the hell that is. Anyway, I tried to convince myself the reason I didn't come earlier was because of you coming into work drunk. But that's not it. I was scared. I guess after all this time, I still think of you as, like, this superhero that will help me out of any situation I'm in. I needed that. But that's my problem, you know, and I'll deal with that. I guess I came over here to tell you how proud of you I am. Not because you did the best you could for those patients but because after 20 years of being a doctor when things go badly, you still take it this hard. And I got to tell you, man, I mean that's the kind of doctor I want to be.

J.D.: [v.o.] I couldn't really worry about bailing on Dr. Cox. The Stanleys' child was sick and I had just spent the last 20 minutes asking them awkward questions to rule out the possibility of child abuse.
Mrs. Stanley: Who would smother their own child?
J.D.: You'd be surprised. There's something called Munchausen Syndrome, where a parent will intentionally harm their child to get some attention on themselves.
Mrs. Stanley: I've never heard of that. Someone should do a public service announcement about it.
J.D.: [v.o.] Hmm. Someone should.
[fantasy: J.D. hosts an NBC "the more you know" public service announcement:]
J.D.: Had a tough day at the office, so you come home, make yourself some dinner, smother your kids, pop in a movie, maybe have a drink. It's fun, right? Wrong. Don't smother your kids.
[reality:]
J.D.: That problem would be gone forever.

Turk: What am I going to do about Dr. Stone?
J.D.: You're going to cry in front of him. [Turk laughs] Laugh if you must, but it'll show you have emotional depth and it will trigger a nurturing impulse inside him that we sensies can't resist.
Turk: How the hell am I supposed to cry?
Janitor: You need to cry. Let's brainstorm. I could hit you over the head with a wrench. Or I could stab you in the gut with a knife. [sings] Knife-wrench. Practical and safe. [puts it in his pocket, knife-side down] Whoa! Ow! Oh! Oh, boy!

Mr. Ketay: Why aren't you making a bigger fuss?
J.D.: Uh, I would have, Mr. Ketay, but Dr. Reid is throwing a huge celebration for you later.
J.D.: [v.o.] I should tell her about that. The truth is, thanks to modern medicine, 80 isn't that big a deal anymore. It's not like the olden days.
[fantasy, J.D. and a family of pilgrims at a cemetery:]
J.D.: Let us not feel sorrow for Bobby Adams. He was 12. He led a full life. He will be missed. Especially by his beautiful wife, Jenny, who stood by him, even when he turned six, had a mid-life crisis, and was caught banging one of those naked people that brought us corn.
[reality:]
J.D.: I'd be the oldest man in Pilgrim Village.

Lisa: I heard that he attacked one of the busboys.
Keith: Yeah, I heard he bitch-slapped the maitre d'.
J.D.: Now, enough, gang. That's how rumors get started. Hell, Gloria, I made a joke once that you were hooking up with Leonard, the big, black security guard with the hook-hand, now everyone thinks it's true.
Gloria: It is true. And I'm never going back.
Leonard: Gloria! [kissing sound] I love me some white meat.
J.D.: Okay, well, make sure you put antiseptic on any puncture wounds, okay?

Todd: Nurse, I will need you to help me drain some fluid. But first, we have to work on this patient.
Turk: Todd, take the scalpel and carve this into your arm. "No nurse will ever touch your dangle."

Elliot: Anyway, you know what I do when I'm having a really tough time getting through things? I just leave the city, get into nature, and just take stock of what's really important. Just make sure you don't go to a popular parachute drop-zone. I don't know if it was the adrenaline rush or because I thought he was an angel, but that is fastest I've ever gone from meeting to kissing. Yeah. True story.

J.D.: Anyhoo, don't worry about crying. I got this menthol from the pharmacy. I read online that actors in "Holly-weird" spray their eyes when they need to fake-cry.
Turk: Why do you have five of them?
J.D.: Oh, I'm using it for the final death scene in my movie, Dr. Acula. Last night, my German financier, Hans, rest in peace, died on the Autobahn. So now I got to shoot the whole thing on my cell phone.

Jordan: Hello, Bob. No cheek kiss necessary.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, good. I had pipe breath. So when was the last time I was here? '97? I know it's been a while because Enid could still fit through that door. [laughs] I shouldn't joke, she's very ill.
Jordan: I'm going to go take a shower.