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33Quotes from ‘My First Kill’

Scrubs: My First Kill

404. My First Kill

Aired September 21, 2004

Dr. Cox gets inside J.D.'s head when he tells his residents that eventually they will kill a patient. Elliot goes to bat for a transplant patient with a history of drug abuse. Meanwhile, Carla gets into a sticky situation after trying to do something nice for Rowdy.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: What do you want?
J.D.: As co-chief resident, I've noticed that some of my residents are a little overwhelmed. And I think it would be nice if you gave 'em one of your patented pep-talks, you know?
Dr. Cox: I'll be more than glad to give your residents a little pep-talk.
[later:]
Dr. Cox: Each and every one of you is going to kill a patient. At some point during your residency, you will screw up, they will die, and it will be burned into your conscience forever. Hell, take pee-pants, here.
Doug: "Pee-pants."
Dr. Cox: He just might go ahead and get himself a good clean kill this morning, seeing as his patient, Miss Samson, is in DKA and he hasn't been tracking her phosphate level. Her phosphate level. Her phosphate level.
J.D.: Doug, stop writing and go!
Dr. Cox: That young man has killed so many patients, I'm starting to think he just might be a government operative. The point is, the harder you study, the longer you just might be able to hold off that first kill. Other than that, I guess cross your fingers and hope that the guy you murder is a jackass with no family. Great to see you kids. All the best!

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Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Mr. Daniels, some fluid has gathered near your heart, so I'm gonna schedule a periocardiocentesis and drain it with a needle.
Mr. Daniels: Someone's gonna stick a needle in my chest?
J.D.: Not just someone. Dr. de Man.
Mr. Daniels: Who is Dr. de Man?
J.D.: Say it say it without the "Dr."
Mr. Daniels: Who's Mr. de Man?
J.D.: No, just say the-the last name.
Mr. Daniels: Who's de Man?
J.D.: I'm de Man! That was awesome! That was fun doing that with you.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] It's strange. Even though a lot of patients have died under my care, I don't think I've killed any of them...
[fantasy: J.D. is in a heavenly diner:]
J.D.: Heaven's a diner?
Mrs. Tanner: Get anything you want, dear.
J.D.: Ooh. Maybe I'll have some flapjacks.
Elaine: They don't have those.
J.D.: No flapjacks in heaven? Are flapjacks evil? D-d-don't worry about it. Listen, dead people, do any of you feel that I may have, you know killed you?
Mr. Bursky: No.
Mr. Simon: I mean, you weren't a great doctor.
Elaine: He was nervous.
Mrs. Tanner: Oh, like a little bird. But no, dear. You didn't kill any of us.
J.D.: You know what? I left my wallet back on earth.
[reality:]
J.D.: Haha, suckers.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: I can clean it for you.
Carla: Why would you do that?
Janitor: I don't know. Still a little drunk from breakfast. Plus, taxidermy used to be kind a hobby of mine. You know, till the state took my license away.
Carla: How come?
Ted: What happened to all the cute little squirrels, Flo?
[flashback: The Janitor addresses an audience of stuffed squirrels in his garage:]
Janitor: Let's call this meeting to order. Uh, first things first, I counted the ballots, and, uh, someone voted twice. Interesting. I'm not pointing fingers, Troy.
[reality:]
Janitor: There were never any squirrels.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] I know I bailed on Mr. Daniels, but the whole having not killed thing got in my head. Still, no one will notice.
Dr. Cox: Ah, Kiki Dee! I heard Mr. Daniels isn't getting his periocardiocentesis. Since when?
J.D.: [v.o.] Now you're gonna lie here. Don't be too specific!
J.D.: Since 1:42 yesterday afternoon. His wife did not want him to do it. She's beautiful, by the way. One green eye, one blue. She's from Luxembourg. They're both from Luxembourg. I believe they're, uh, Luxem... bourgian.
Dr. Cox: Where in Luxembourg? I-I spent two weeks there.
J.D.: [v.o.] What are the odds? Just stay vague.
J.D.: Uh, outside Mertert, near the German border. They say what they miss most are those lazy summer afternoons on the Moselle River.
J.D.: [v.o.] You are channeling that seventh grade book report!

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] Killing Mrs. Carter, though admittedly bad for her, was just the pick-me-up I needed.
Mrs. Carter: I don't know how my car ended up in the community pool.
Nurse Roberts: You musta lost control after you went through the snack bar.
J.D.: [v.o.] Mrs. Carter?
Dr. Cox: Ooh, did I trick Newbie? I did, didn't I. And now of course he has to live in fear of when he will kill. When, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when?
J.D.: You know what, I don't appreciate lying.
Dr. Cox: Come on. I know you're scared. A lot of times you feel like a little girl in a big gal's body. But here's the dirty little secret: Fear is good. It keeps you from becoming a crappy doctor. Trick is you just can't let it paralyze you. But don't you worry about a thing, there, Newbie. You're a sure thing to get a kill. In fact, should be any day now.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Do you know that Dr. Cox is trying to convince me that everyone eventually kills a patient? But I haven't. I know you haven't.
Turk: Hell yeah, I have. Remember my first year? Mr. Quinn? I forgot to write the order for his albumin drip and he hemorrhaged and died. You want your doughnut?
J.D.: [v.o.] And it turned out Turk wasn't the only one.
[montage:]
Elliot: Mmm, Mrs. Kahn, my second year.
Doug: Uh, Mrs. Studebaker, forty minutes into my first day.
Dr. Kelso: I've been a doctor for thirty years. What do you think?
Doug: On my third day, there was Mr. Kirshnar.
Todd: Jenny Roth, about eight weeks ago. It was really tough, because she was hot.
Doug: And then later that third day- [beeping] Oh, boy, that can't be good.
Dr. Cox: No, Newbie, I have not killed. But I happen to be, as always, the exception that proves the rule. So, right about now, you gotta be asking yourself, do you think you're that good?
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh my God. I'm gonna kill someone.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Ruff, ruff.
Carla: You found Rowdy!?!
Janitor: Nope. Not Rowdy. This is Steven. You know, Rowdy was 48 inches from snout to tail, Steven's only 46 on a good day.
Carla: I think we're okay.
Janitor: I got him off another taxidermy guy on the internet. Had to trade him my, uh, squirrel army.
Carla: Oh, I'm sorry you had to do that; but thank you.
Janitor: Nah. Everyone thinks squirrel armies are so great. I'm not sure it's the healthiest habit in the world.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Ooh, Dr. Cox, can I ask you something?
Dr. Cox: The answer is yes, it was me who saw you doing leg lifts in the gym on that inflatable ball. It was quite the display of girl power. Absolutely loved the leg warmers.
J.D.: First of all, they were just big socks, okay? And secondly, if you need to do some laundry, here's the washboard, right?

Quote from J.D.

Turk: Wow, isn't that a shocker, you don't care about something that's important to me. You know what? Why don't you just throw him out?
J.D.: Don't listen to him! He's drunk on cheese!
Turk: And don't think Rowdy doesn't know what's going on here.
Carla: What's he gonna do?
[fantasy: Rowdy comes to life and attacks Carla]
J.D.: Easy, boy. She ain't worth it.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: So, Mrs. Carter, it turns out your fever was just a reaction to the anesthetic we gave you during your cataract surgery. I'm sending you home.
Mrs. Carter: Can I drive my trans-am?
J.D.: That's not up to me, Mrs. Carter. It's up to the police and the owner of those horses you killed.
Mrs. Carter: Oh, they were everywhere!
J.D.: You were on a race-track, Mrs. Carter.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: I don't get why Turk was so upset about Rowdy. I mean, he's just a creepy, stuffed, stupid yellow dead dog. Too many adjectives?

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Dr. Cox, I want to thank you for that "everyone's a murderer" speech. Nice scare tactic. Unfortunately, my residents have stopped eating.
Dr. Cox: That wasn't a scare tactic, Portia. Eventually everyone commits a sin of omission or doesn't act quickly enough, and somebody kicks the bucket. It's really- It's really not a question of "if", it's a question of "when."

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Heard you're trying to clean a dead dog.
Carla: Yeah, who told you that?
Janitor: Mmm, the wind... Blonde doctor.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Turk, got this patient who's got a damaged heart valve and needs a replacement.
Turk: Is he a good candidate for surgery?
Elliot: Definitely. Thirty-five, married, good job, cute little boy, great dog... Can't remember what kind they said. Long-time recovering heroin addict... A bulldog, that's what it was. Named Paris. After the city, not the slutty socialite tramp.
Turk: He's a heroin addict?
Elliot: Yeah, but he is, like, super serious about his sobriety. I mean, he's been to rehab like six times.
Turk: Sounds like he needs to dial it up to super-duper serious, huh.

Quote from Todd

Dr. Molly Clock: Look, I've dealt with a lot of ethics committees, and you're gonna be great. I mean the key is just be confident.
Elliot: Well, I'm not.
Dr. Molly Clock: I tell you what: I'll go with you for moral support. And, you know, if things get dicey 'cause it's just a bunch of stuffed shirts, then we could make out and they'll give you whatever you want.
Todd: [runs in] What? I thought I heard something.
Elliot: Goodbye, Todd.
Todd: Back to the transplant.

Quote from Ted

Elliot: I understand that because of his drug problem, some of you don't think that Mr. Phillips is a good candidate for surgery, but believe me, he understands that this heart valve is a responsibility. Those of you who have met him, like Ted, can attest to this.
Dr. Kelso: This is a very dicey case. Ted, what do you think?
Ted: She knows my name! Whatever she wants!
Dr. Kelso: Very ethical. Why don't I open the floor to those people who currently do not have erections? Dr.
Clock. Do you think this guy'll stay clean?
Dr. Molly Clock: Oh, I'm just here as a friend. I think you should ask Ted again.
Ted: Oh, good God, she knows it too! Am I awake?

Quote from Elliot

Dr. Molly Clock: Can I talk to you outside? Did you just page me so you could rub my face in this?
Elliot: Yes. Uh, there's also a couple of messages on your home machine.
Dr. Molly Clock: Look, Elliot, I hope I'm wrong, and I hope he stays clean. Let's just not make this personal, okay?
Elliot: Said the loser. Who lost.
Dr. Molly Clock: Don't push me. 'cause one of the reasons I became a therapist is I've always been able to zero in on a person's greatest insecurity.
Elliot: Oh, I'm real scared, Molly, what'cha gonna-
Dr. Molly Clock: Eyebrows.
J.D.: "Eyebrows." Like that's gonna make you- [Elliot sobs] Elliot, come on, you can't be that insecure.
Elliot: Giant Adam's apple.
J.D.: I have to go.


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