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39Quotes from ‘My Unicorn’

Scrubs: My Unicorn

411. My Unicorn

Aired November 23, 2004

J.D. gets overly involved when his patient, Mr. Marks (guest star John Bennett Perry), needs a kidney from his estranged son, Murray (guest star Matthew Perry). After Carla and Jordan encourage Elliot to use her feminine wiles to get things done in the hospital, they have to clean up the mess when Elliot inadvertently angers the man she's interviewing with.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Hey, Newbie. The good news is that Murray and his dad are a match, kidney-wise. The better news is that the test revealed a little secret you're gonna wanna share with your new pal. Gregory is not Murray's biological father.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, no.
Dr. Cox: By the by, this moment is so great, I'd cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one and raise a family of tiny little moments.

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Quote from J.D.

Dr. Cox: Hello, Heather.
J.D.: You will never guess what I found on the computer.
Dr. Cox: Is it a set of adult male shoulders?
J.D.: They had to trim them to get me out of that well.

Quote from Janitor

Carla: Okay, I put interview guy in the lounge and told him that Elliot was with a patient. Now, how we gonna fix this thing?
Janitor: [appears from nowhere] You're okay. The guy wanted an orange soda, right? We bring him an orange soda, maybe the whole thing goes away.
Carla: Okay, here's the plan: Jordan and I will take care of interview guy. Soft-Scrub, you can do whatever the hell you want.
Janitor: I will.
[The Janitor takes out the ring box from his pocket, walks into the middle of the corridor, kneels down on one knee and presents the ring as Elliot approaches. She walks past him.]
Janitor: Dammit! I told you to sparkle!

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Reunion time. This is gonna be great.
Murray: [clears throat]
Mr. Marks: Murray?
Murray: Before you say anything, I just want you to know if you need a kidney, you can have mine.
J.D.: See?
Murray: For seventy thousand dollars! [smiles to J.D.]
Dr. Cox: I love this moment so much I want to have sex with it.

Quote from Janitor

Carla: Oh my God, he's actually giving him an orange soda.
Elliot: What happened?
Janitor: He's gonna reconsider you.
Elliot: How'd you do that?
[flashback to a moment ago:]
Janitor: Hey, buddy. I need you to reconsider Blonde Doctor. And I'm gonna tell you why. See, I'm the future Mr.
Blonde Doctor? And I kinda need this to happen so that I can- Uh, hey, over here. I need this to happen so that I can just hang out around the house and, you know, bake bread or gab across the fence with neighbor Marge. Nice lady. Polish, I think. Doesn't matter, I'm not prejudiced.
Man: What the hell are you talking about?
Janitor: Here's the thing: I need you to take this can of orange soda, turn, smile, and give Blonde Doctor a big thumb's up. Or, I'm gonna take the same orange soda, follow you down to the parking lot, and smash your head in with it.
[present:]
Janitor: We talked about your future.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Now, about the kidney.
Murray: I wish I could fly my plane right now. I always like to fly it when I have to make a big decision.
J.D.: [v.o.] Make the "flesh and blood" argument again but in a different way.
J.D.: Blood and flesh, Murray.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] I couldn't decide whether I should tell Murray his dad wasn't his dad. Luckily hospitals are full of supportive colleagues eager to help.
Dr. Kelso: Go tell that little bastard this second, before he coughs a kidney up to his fake father and sues this hospital. Write that down in your little unicorn book.
J.D.: Uh, actually, sir, it's a horse with a sword on his head.
[fantasy, J.D.'s diary starts talking to him:]
Unicorn: [J.D.'s voice but high-pitched] You know I'm a unicorn. Why can't you just say it?
[reality:]
Dr. Kelso: What are you going to do, son?
J.D.: [high-pitched voice] Well, Dr. Kels- [clears throat] Well, Dr. Kelso, I'm just gonna tell him.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [on the phone] He says he clears his head by flying his plane. But I went to his airport? He doesn't have a plane there! What should I do?
Dr. Cox: Who gave you this number?
J.D.: Come on, I'm really asking for your help here.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, but, it's very important we focus on the whole "who gave you this number" issue.
J.D.: Fine. Maybe I got too involved like you said. But would it kill you for once to acknowledge that my heart is in the right place instead of spending all your time berating me?
Dr. Cox: You got the number from Jordan, didn't you? She hates me.
J.D.: You've been great as usual.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Dammit, Murray. What corner of the sky are you and your plane hiding in!? There you are. Hi, buddy!
Murray: Hey!
[Murray starts to fly his model plane towards J.D., who runs away]
Murray: Oh, oh! I'm a doctor! I'm a doctor! Everything worked out for me!
[After J.D. jumps out of the way, Murray's model plane crashes behind a mound of dirt with a large explosion]
J.D.: What an odd sized explosion.

Quote from Turk

Carla: Elliot, your interviewer called. He's running late. Would you take Turk somewhere for me?
Elliot: Where?
Jordan: Oh, the, uh, Honey Festival.
Elliot: Oh, my God! Is that back in town?
Carla: Sure is! And Turk would love to go with you.
Elliot: You would?
Turk: Yes. I love large groups of white people eating pollen.
[later:]
Host: On behalf of the honey festival, I would like to thank our two volunteers: Our taster, Elliot, and of course, Christopher, the human honeycomb.
Turk: I thought you meant the cereal! Ow! Ow!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Anyhoo, what do you think your dad is doing right now?
Murray: He's not my dad, he's my fake dad. Which means what my fake cousin Samantha and I almost did in the tenth grade would have been beautiful and right.
J.D.: Been there with my gram-gram.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: All right, fine, what do you think Gregory's doing right now?
Murray: Probably playing his stupid guitar.
[meanwhile, Mr. Marks is talking to Dr. Cox as he strums his guitar:]
Mr. Marks: Ah, so maybe I wasn't the perfect dad. I mean, there were the occasional missed baseball games. And the taking of his college sweetheart to the Bahamas for two weeks without telling him. But I still don't see why he resents me this much.
Dr. Cox: Boy, tell me about it. You know, I got this kid who constantly ignores my advice, and then flashes me the sad doe eyes every time I call him a girl's name or scream in his face.
Mr. Marks: Do you wanna sing about him?
Dr. Cox: No. Not ever.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Sometimes Dr. Cox is all over me, like every second of my life.
Murray: Why do you keep talking about your boss like he's your father?
J.D.: Remember? Recently deceased dad?
Murray: Massive heart attack.
J.D.: Yes! I mean, yes.
[meanwhile:]
Dr. Cox: You do know he's not yours, don't you?
Mr. Marks: I figured it out. Mostly because his mother was eight months pregnant when I met her. But there were other signs.
Dr. Cox: 'course.
Mr. Marks: But his real dad was such a jerk we just decided not to tell him. A boy needs a father who loves him, you know?
Dr. Cox: Yeah.

Quote from Turk

Carla: Elliot, what are you doing here?
Elliot: My interviewer called my cell phone. He has been waiting to talk to me.
Jordan: What the hell?
Turk: Woman, I was covered in bees!

Quote from Turk

Turk: Ladies, I think we've learned our lesson.
Jordan: That is not helpful, Turkleton!
Turk: I was covered in bees!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] As for me, maybe I got too involved with Murray and his fake real dad. But as I watched Gregory serenade a clearly uncomfortable Murray, I realized something. If Murray could look past his dad's imperfections and appreciate all the time he'd given him, maybe I owe Dr. Cox a thank-you for the same thing.
J.D.: Hey. I just wanted to take a second to thank you for constantly berating me, doubting my abilities, and the overall devastation of my self-esteem.
Dr. Cox: My pleasure.
J.D.: Now wrap it all up with a slow motion hand wave.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, I'm slow, baby.

Quote from Turk

[As J.D. and Turk run through the hospital:]
J.D.: [v.o.] Life in a hospital is never boring.
Carla: What the hell are you guys doing?
Turk: Practicing our slow motion run.
J.D.: Makes everything seem more dramatic.
Carla: You're doctors. Doctors.
Turk: Baby?
J.D.: Go get her, Turk.
Turk: [runs in slow motion] Waaaaaaiiiiit!
J.D.: Oh, he's slow.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Time to go see my favorite patient, Mr. Gregory Marks. He may need a new kidney, but he sure as hell doesn't need a new heart.
Mr. Marks: Hey, I bought you a present.
J.D.: Oh, my God, a journal.
Mr. Marks: Well, you seem like the kind of sensitive young buck that likes to chronicle his feelings.
J.D.: [v.o.] I can't wait to chronicle this one. Oh, God.
J.D.: I gotta tell you, Mr. Marks. Even though I know you'd never take it, I'd give you one of my kidneys in a second.
Mr. Marks: Oh, no, I would definitely take it! I would take it with my bare hands.
J.D.: Awesome. Well, let me check your chart and s-see if we're a match.
J.D.: [v.o.] Please don't be a match! Please don't be a match! Blood type O! Not a match! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
J.D.: I'm so sorry.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Do you have chocolate cake today?
Man: Nope.
Elliot: Oh, isn't that just the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that is my day.
Turk: Elliot, relax. I never get chocolate cake.
Elliot: Oh, right, 'cause you're diabetic. Boo-hoo! You know what, Turk, if you want sympathy, get a disease people can see.

Quote from Turk

Elliot: Oh my God, I am so sorry. I'm just having the worst day.
Turk: It's no biggie. Forgive and forget, right? [to his cross necklace] Please get her.

Quote from Jordan

Elliot: I have been kicking ass lately, but this place is such a boys' club I still can't even get x-rays or lab tests back on time.
Carla: Hey, Elliot, if you're desperate to get things done, you could always do what Jordan does.
Jordan: [to a security guard] Could you move my car out of the sun? If the seat gets too hot, my thighs get all pink and sweaty. Yeah. Bye-bye, security guard.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Anyway, know Mr. Marks? He said he doesn't have any family to be a kidney donor? But he's got a son. We gotta find this guy.
Dr. Cox: Look, Newbie, there are times a man wants to keep something to himself. Like, say, he's got a son. Or he's 29-years-old and keeps a journal with a unicorn drawn on the cover?
J.D.: Ah, that's a horse with a sword on his head, and he's there to guard my hopes and dreams.
Dr. Cox: Come on, if the guy didn't tell you about his son, I'm sure he had a pretty good reason. You know, you always do this you get too involved in your patients' lives. And just exactly how does that usually work out for ya?
[flashback to J.D. chained to a radiator:]
J.D.: Eventually someone's gonna miss me, Jerry! Oh, God, no.
[present:]
J.D.: He made me watch Everwood.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] After getting more involved, I found out Mr. Marks's son was an air-traffic controller at a small private airport.
[In the air control tower, Murray is a sitcom on a portable TV:]
Murray: I'll tell you something about Wings, they really got it right.

Quote from Jordan

Carla: Elliot, don't listen to him, he doesn't know what he's talking about.
Elliot: Look, I will try anything. I just don't want to compromise who I am.
Jordan: Sweetie, you won't have to do that. Sure, if it's something really important, you might have to occasionally sleep with someone. That's how I hooked up with Perry. Needed a pen.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Look, Murray, it doesn't matter that your father's handsome and charismatic and sings like a young Joan Baez. He's your flesh and blood, and you gotta step up.
Murray: Look, you obviously have some issues with your own father that you're projecting on to me. So why don't you go ahead and give him a jingle?
J.D.: He's dead.
Murray: Good stuff!
J.D.: No, I'm serious.
Murray: Classic!
J.D.: He had like a massive heart attack.
Murray: I'm sorry for your loss.


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