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‘My Unicorn’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Scrubs: My Unicorn

411. My Unicorn

Aired November 23, 2004

J.D. gets overly involved when his patient, Mr. Marks (guest star John Bennett Perry), needs a kidney from his estranged son, Murray (guest star Matthew Perry). After Carla and Jordan encourage Elliot to use her feminine wiles to get things done in the hospital, they have to clean up the mess when Elliot inadvertently angers the man she's interviewing with.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Cox: Hello, Heather.
J.D.: You will never guess what I found on the computer.
Dr. Cox: Is it a set of adult male shoulders?
J.D.: They had to trim them to get me out of that well.


Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Hey, Newbie. The good news is that Murray and his dad are a match, kidney-wise. The better news is that the test revealed a little secret you're gonna wanna share with your new pal. Gregory is not Murray's biological father.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, no.
Dr. Cox: By the by, this moment is so great, I'd cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one and raise a family of tiny little moments.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Reunion time. This is gonna be great.
Murray: [clears throat]
Mr. Marks: Murray?
Murray: Before you say anything, I just want you to know if you need a kidney, you can have mine.
J.D.: See?
Murray: For seventy thousand dollars! [smiles to J.D.]
Dr. Cox: I love this moment so much I want to have sex with it.

Quote from Janitor

Carla: Okay, I put interview guy in the lounge and told him that Elliot was with a patient. Now, how we gonna fix this thing?
Janitor: [appears from nowhere] You're okay. The guy wanted an orange soda, right? We bring him an orange soda, maybe the whole thing goes away.
Carla: Okay, here's the plan: Jordan and I will take care of interview guy. Soft-Scrub, you can do whatever the hell you want.
Janitor: I will.
[The Janitor takes out the ring box from his pocket, walks into the middle of the corridor, kneels down on one knee and presents the ring as Elliot approaches. She walks past him.]
Janitor: Dammit! I told you to sparkle!

Quote from Janitor

Carla: Oh my God, he's actually giving him an orange soda.
Elliot: What happened?
Janitor: He's gonna reconsider you.
Elliot: How'd you do that?
[flashback to a moment ago:]
Janitor: Hey, buddy. I need you to reconsider Blonde Doctor. And I'm gonna tell you why. See, I'm the future Mr.
Blonde Doctor? And I kinda need this to happen so that I can- Uh, hey, over here. I need this to happen so that I can just hang out around the house and, you know, bake bread or gab across the fence with neighbor Marge. Nice lady. Polish, I think. Doesn't matter, I'm not prejudiced.
Man: What the hell are you talking about?
Janitor: Here's the thing: I need you to take this can of orange soda, turn, smile, and give Blonde Doctor a big thumb's up. Or, I'm gonna take the same orange soda, follow you down to the parking lot, and smash your head in with it.
Janitor: We talked about your future.

Quote from Turk

[As J.D. and Turk run through the hospital:]
J.D.: [v.o.] Life in a hospital is never boring.
Carla: What the hell are you guys doing?
Turk: Practicing our slow motion run.
J.D.: Makes everything seem more dramatic.
Carla: You're doctors. Doctors.
Turk: Baby?
J.D.: Go get her, Turk.
Turk: [runs in slow motion] Waaaaaaiiiiit!
J.D.: Oh, he's slow.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Time to go see my favorite patient, Mr. Gregory Marks. He may need a new kidney, but he sure as hell doesn't need a new heart.
Mr. Marks: Hey, I bought you a present.
J.D.: Oh, my God, a journal.
Mr. Marks: Well, you seem like the kind of sensitive young buck that likes to chronicle his feelings.
J.D.: [v.o.] I can't wait to chronicle this one. Oh, God.
J.D.: I gotta tell you, Mr. Marks. Even though I know you'd never take it, I'd give you one of my kidneys in a second.
Mr. Marks: Oh, no, I would definitely take it! I would take it with my bare hands.
J.D.: Awesome. Well, let me check your chart and s-see if we're a match.
J.D.: [v.o.] Please don't be a match! Please don't be a match! Blood type O! Not a match! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
J.D.: I'm so sorry.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Do you have chocolate cake today?
Man: Nope.
Elliot: Oh, isn't that just the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that is my day.
Turk: Elliot, relax. I never get chocolate cake.
Elliot: Oh, right, 'cause you're diabetic. Boo-hoo! You know what, Turk, if you want sympathy, get a disease people can see.

Quote from Turk

Elliot: Oh my God, I am so sorry. I'm just having the worst day.
Turk: It's no biggie. Forgive and forget, right? [to his cross necklace] Please get her.

Quote from Jordan

Elliot: I have been kicking ass lately, but this place is such a boys' club I still can't even get x-rays or lab tests back on time.
Carla: Hey, Elliot, if you're desperate to get things done, you could always do what Jordan does.
Jordan: [to a security guard] Could you move my car out of the sun? If the seat gets too hot, my thighs get all pink and sweaty. Yeah. Bye-bye, security guard.

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