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29Quotes from ‘My Two Dads’

Scrubs: My Two Dads

105. My Two Dads

Aired October 23, 2001

J.D. is torn between following Dr. Cox or Dr. Kelso. Meanwhile, Elliot thinks her body may have healing properties, and Turk tries to show Carla he knows her with a gift.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: So you're the one who told Kelso that Mr. Martinez was dead? That's terrific work.
J.D.: [v.o.] Looks like word gets around.
Dr. Cox: What in the name of "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret" were you thinking?
J.D.: Well, I'm new here but I'm relatively certain that invasive vascular procedures have a low success rate on dead people.
Dr. Cox: That TIPS procedure was for Mrs. Blitt down in 103. You see, she doesn't have insurance. Mr. Martinez, on the other hand, had great insurance. Should I talk slower or get a nurse who speaks fluent Moron?
J.D.: You don't have to be, like, mean about it.
Dr. Cox: Well, geez, Newbie. Just what in the hell do you want from me?
[fantasy: home movie of J.D. and Dr. Cox playing catch]
Dr. Cox: I don't know if they taught you this in the land of fairies and puppy-dog tails where you obviously, if not grew up, then at least spent most of your summers, but you're in the real world now, okay?


Quote from Nurse Roberts

Turk: Yo, Elliot, check out these ass slides.
Elliot: Oh, my God. How does that stuff even get up there?
Man: I fell on it.
Woman: I fell on it.
Man: I fell on it.
Man: I was bored.
Nurse Roberts: The doctors in the ER have a box where they keep all this junk.
Turk: Is that, like, next to the Lost and Found Box?
Nurse Roberts: Lost and Found box? There's no Lost and Found Box. There's an Ass Box.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] I know it sounds melodramatic, but as I watched the two of them, they weren't battling for patients or for insurance, but for my soul.
Dr. Cox: She needed the TIPS...
Dr. Kelso: I've got you this time. I can taste it!
J.D.: [v.o.] It's an old story, really. Good versus bad. Right versus wrong. The dark side versus the light.
[fantasy: Dr. Kelso as Darth Vader and Dr. Cox as Obi-Wan Kenobi battle as the others, also in Star Wars costumes, watch:]
Dr. Kelso: I've been waiting for this moment all my life.
Turk: Easy, Chewie.
Janitor: [groans]
Dr. Kelso: I'll teach you to respect this institution.
Dr. Cox: I hope you learn from this.
J.D.: No!

Quote from J.D.

[fantasy: J.D. on Family Feud:]
Louie Anderson: Guys, we need an answer. Name one thing guys wanna see more than anything in the world?
J.D.: Louie, we're gonna go with boobs.
Louie Anderson: Show me boobs. There they are. Good job!
Jared: I wanna see 'em on a real girl. A cute girl.
J.D.: [to Elliot] You're cute. [chuckles]

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: [v.o.] Ugh, the janitor. This guy is always bothering me. Don't look at him, don't talk to him, don't... [J.D. sneezes]
Janitor: What's your point? Ammonia too strong?
J.D.: No, I have a-
Janitor: That's one. Keep pushin'.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Hey there, sport. Got your page.
Dr. Jeffrey Steadman: This better be good. Paging the Chief of Medicine.
J.D.: [v.o.] Dr. Steadman. Resident and first-class teacher's pet.
J.D.: Sir, I was going over Mr. Martinez's chart, and it seems like the TIPS procedure he's scheduled for is unnecessary.
Dr. Jeffrey Steadman: Why would you think that's unnecessary?
J.D.: Well, he's dead.
Dr. Kelso: Ah. Excellent catch, Dr... Dr...
J.D.: [v.o.] Dorian! You see me every day. Say my name. Say it!
Dr. Kelso: Martinez.
J.D.: That was the name of the patient, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Avery.
J.D.: No, actually, that's the clipboard manufacturer.
Dr. Kelso: Fine work, doctor. Fine work.
J.D.: [v.o.] I hear that.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Hey, sport. Or should I say howdy, Mr. Pouty?
J.D.: Sorry, sir. It's been a rough day.
Dr. Kelso: So I hear. Well, anyway, I'm very proud of you, Dr...
J.D.: [v.o.] Just look at my badge.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Turk.
J.D.: Oh, no, this is my roommate's badge. Sir, we must have switched this morning...
Dr. Kelso: Oh, that's a great anecdote. You should write that down in your journal. Then your kids can read about it when you're dead.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] It felt weird knowing Dr. Cox and I would never be working in the same room again.
Dr. Cox: [enters] Check her LFTs and coags.
J.D.: [v.o.] Every time I think something, the opposite happens. I'm so not having sex this weekend.
Elderly Patient: You're cute.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: You see, Mrs. Blitt over there. Needs the TIPS procedure, no insurance. Yeah, well, she can now look forward to a lifetime of encephalopathy and jaundice thanks to Bottom-Line Bob.
J.D.: Is he really that bad?
Dr. Cox: I hate Robert Kelso. I hate his family, friends, the guy that cleans his vaguely-racist little lawn jockey. In fact, I hate anybody who ever even associates with him. Is that clear?
J.D.: Totally.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] You know what, he's got nothing to say. After all, he's here too.
J.D.: I thought you hated Kelso.
Dr. Cox: Oh, I do. And watching his face as I kick his worthless butt up and down this golf course every week, is basically... It's the most fun I can have without having to cuddle afterwards.
Dr. Jeffrey Steadman: Good night, Irene! Fantastic golf shot, sir.
Dr. Cox: Real nice length. Now, does your husband happen to play? [Kelso fakes a laugh] But, for the record, no, I'm not a hypocrite for being here. What's your pathetic excuse, you whiny little suck-up?

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Kelso: [to the patient] Let's just worry about getting you better. OK, gorgeous?
J.D.: [v.o.] I decided that Cox was wrong. There's room to play by the rules and care about the patients.
Dr. Cox: [to Steadman] I want you to do a wallet biopsy on her, and if the insurance doesn't check out, I want her back to the nursing home before she so much as gums down a single fruit cup.
J.D.: [v.o.] Unfortunately, that was the moment when I realized how Dr. Kelso truly saw these people.
[fantasy: Dr. Kelso at a supermarket checkout with sick people in shopping carts queued up:]
Dr. Kelso: Could I have a price check on a 74-year-old female with prerenal azotemia? Bag her.
J.D.: [gets out a body bag, screams]

Quote from Carla

Carla: Come on, I wanna show you something.
Turk: Wait. It's about the pen. I thought a really nice one would be a great gift, and I see a great one in the Lost and Found Box.
Carla: There is no Lost and Found Box. There's an Ass Box...
Turk: Yeah, there is.
Carla: Ugh. And to think you were this close to getting everything you wanted. I assume this is what you wanted.
Turk: Yes.
Carla: And yet you come home and tell me that your thoughtful token of love wasn't a token of love at all. It was an ass pen. You come home and tell me this all because being open and honest is more important to you than having sex with me? [goes into the bedroom] Are you coming or what?
Turk: Hell, yeah. [puts Rowdy in the living room] Stay, Rowdy, stay.

Quote from Elliot

Elderly Man: Excuse me, miss.
Elliot: Can I help you?
Elderly Man: Well, I'm afraid I have an awful case of the gotta-see-'ems.
J.D.: [laughs] You know, that's not even a real disease.
Elliot: At what point did I become a crazy person?
J.D.: Oh, come on. Yes, exposing yourself to a dead guy might have been a tad unorthodox. And yes, it might be a little hard to live down.
Elliot: I'm waiting for the "but".
J.D.: So's everyone else around here.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Kelso: You're suspended. Effective immediately. [to J.D.] Well, sport. It looks like a permanent spot just opened up on the golf course. How does joining the Chief of Medicine for a weekly round sound?
J.D.: Actually, sir, I'm not really that into golf.
Dr. Kelso: Well, I guess that's your choice, isn't it, Dr. Dorian?
J.D.: [v.o.] I think I liked it better when he didn't know my name.

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