Dr. Cox: So you're the one who told Kelso that Mr. Martinez was dead? That's terrific work.
J.D.: [v.o.] Looks like word gets around.
Dr. Cox: What in the name of "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret" were you thinking?
J.D.: Well, I'm new here but I'm relatively certain that invasive vascular procedures have a low success rate on dead people.
Dr. Cox: That TIPS procedure was for Mrs. Blitt down in 103. You see, she doesn't have insurance. Mr. Martinez, on the other hand, had great insurance. Should I talk slower or get a nurse who speaks fluent Moron?
J.D.: You don't have to be, like, mean about it.
Dr. Cox: Well, geez, Newbie. Just what in the hell do you want from me?
[fantasy: home movie of J.D. and Dr. Cox playing catch]
Dr. Cox: I don't know if they taught you this in the land of fairies and puppy-dog tails where you obviously, if not grew up, then at least spent most of your summers, but you're in the real world now, okay?

Turk: Yo, Elliot, check out these ass slides.
Elliot: Oh, my God. How does that stuff even get up there?
[montage:]
Man: I fell on it.
Woman: I fell on it.
Man: I fell on it.
Man: I was bored.
[present:]
Nurse Roberts: The doctors in the ER have a box where they keep all this junk.
Turk: Is that, like, next to the Lost and Found Box?
Nurse Roberts: Lost and Found box? There's no Lost and Found Box. There's an Ass Box.

J.D.: [v.o.] I know it sounds melodramatic, but as I watched the two of them, they weren't battling for patients or for insurance, but for my soul.
Dr. Cox: She needed the TIPS...
Dr. Kelso: I've got you this time. I can taste it!
J.D.: [v.o.] It's an old story, really. Good versus bad. Right versus wrong. The dark side versus the light.
[fantasy: Dr. Kelso as Darth Vader and Dr. Cox as Obi-Wan Kenobi battle as the others, also in Star Wars costumes, watch:]
Dr. Kelso: I've been waiting for this moment all my life.
Turk: Easy, Chewie.
Janitor: [groans]
Dr. Kelso: I'll teach you to respect this institution.
Dr. Cox: I hope you learn from this.
J.D.: No!

[fantasy: J.D. on Family Feud:]
Louie Anderson: Guys, we need an answer. Name one thing guys wanna see more than anything in the world?
J.D.: Louie, we're gonna go with boobs.
Louie Anderson: Show me boobs. There they are. Good job!
[reality:]
Jared: I wanna see 'em on a real girl. A cute girl.
J.D.: [to Elliot] You're cute. [chuckles]

J.D.: [v.o.] Ugh, the janitor. This guy is always bothering me. Don't look at him, don't talk to him, don't... [J.D. sneezes]
Janitor: What's your point? Ammonia too strong?
J.D.: No, I have a-
Janitor: That's one. Keep pushin'.

Dr. Kelso: Hey there, sport. Got your page.
Dr. Jeffrey Steadman: This better be good. Paging the Chief of Medicine.
J.D.: [v.o.] Dr. Steadman. Resident and first-class teacher's pet.
J.D.: Sir, I was going over Mr. Martinez's chart, and it seems like the TIPS procedure he's scheduled for is unnecessary.
Dr. Jeffrey Steadman: Why would you think that's unnecessary?
J.D.: Well, he's dead.
Dr. Kelso: Ah. Excellent catch, Dr... Dr...
J.D.: [v.o.] Dorian! You see me every day. Say my name. Say it!
Dr. Kelso: Martinez.
J.D.: That was the name of the patient, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Avery.
J.D.: No, actually, that's the clipboard manufacturer.
Dr. Kelso: Fine work, doctor. Fine work.
J.D.: [v.o.] I hear that.

Dr. Kelso: Hey, sport. Or should I say howdy, Mr. Pouty?
J.D.: Sorry, sir. It's been a rough day.
Dr. Kelso: So I hear. Well, anyway, I'm very proud of you, Dr...
J.D.: [v.o.] Just look at my badge.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Turk.
J.D.: Oh, no, this is my roommate's badge. Sir, we must have switched this morning...
Dr. Kelso: Oh, that's a great anecdote. You should write that down in your journal. Then your kids can read about it when you're dead.

J.D.: [v.o.] It felt weird knowing Dr. Cox and I would never be working in the same room again.
Dr. Cox: [enters] Check her LFTs and coags.
J.D.: [v.o.] Every time I think something, the opposite happens. I'm so not having sex this weekend.
Elderly Patient: You're cute.

Dr. Cox: You see, Mrs. Blitt over there. Needs the TIPS procedure, no insurance. Yeah, well, she can now look forward to a lifetime of encephalopathy and jaundice thanks to Bottom-Line Bob.
J.D.: Is he really that bad?
Dr. Cox: I hate Robert Kelso. I hate his family, friends, the guy that cleans his vaguely-racist little lawn jockey. In fact, I hate anybody who ever even associates with him. Is that clear?
J.D.: Totally.

J.D.: [v.o.] You know what, he's got nothing to say. After all, he's here too.
J.D.: I thought you hated Kelso.
Dr. Cox: Oh, I do. And watching his face as I kick his worthless butt up and down this golf course every week, is basically... It's the most fun I can have without having to cuddle afterwards.
Dr. Jeffrey Steadman: Good night, Irene! Fantastic golf shot, sir.
Dr. Cox: Real nice length. Now, does your husband happen to play? [Kelso fakes a laugh] But, for the record, no, I'm not a hypocrite for being here. What's your pathetic excuse, you whiny little suck-up?