Carla: Okay, I have some news! We picked a date for the wedding. Tell 'em Turk. April 24th.
Elliot: No, way! Mine is April 25th! 2006! Oh, the place I love in Connecticut books up early so what the hell, took a shot.
J.D.: One, two, three...
J.D. & Turk: Crazy!
Elliot: Oh, so you've never dreamt about your wedding day.
[fantasy:]
Priest: Do you, John Dorian, take Marcia Brady to be your wife?
Maureen McCormick: My name is Maureen McCormick.
J.D.: Marcia, please! Father, continue.

J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, my God. The janitor's afraid of Carla! How could I use this to my advantage?
[fantasy: Carla berates the Janitor:]
Carla: Listen, I want you to lay off J.D.! Stop accusing him of things he didn't do! And bring him a fruit smoothie every day.
Janitor: El gustaría de fresa o guineo? ["Would he like strawberry or banana?"]
J.D.: El coche del árbol morado con queso ["Purple tree car with cheese."]
Janitor: Mentiroso! ["Liar"]
[The Janitor removes the mask to reveal it's J.D.]
J.D.: Feliz Navidad.
[reality:]
J.D.: I'd have to learn Spanish.

Dr. Cox: You know I just, uh, I just got off the phone with Jordan, who told me that my son rolled over for the first time.
Elliot: Oh, my God! That's so great!
Dr. Cox: Big who cares! Not about Jack rolling over for the first time, but definitely about your reaction to my son rolling over for the first time. Point being that I missed it because I was here. You might want to get a pen out and write this down, because here comes the inside scoop: The hospital comes first. Always.
Elliot: Always?
Dr. Cox: Forever and ever. And ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.... You getting this? And ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever...

Carla: Listen, Stretch, if you know who this belongs to, I'd 'fess up right now. Otherwise, I'm gonna grab you by the back of that two-dollar haircut and force-feed you the sample so you can carry it around all day. That way, if I ever want it back, all I have to do is point you at a beaker and squeeze really hard! Now, you got any more funny jokes you gotta tell me?
Janitor: No, ma'am.

Carla: Who left this urine here?
Dr. Cox: Someone's got a secret admirer!
Carla: Dr. Kelso? Someone left this urine specimen sitting around. What's interesting is that the name tag's been ripped right off.
Dr. Kelso: Sweetheart, I think you're confusing interesting with boring.

Dr. Cox: Carla, you're forcing me to say something that I prayed I'd never have to say again to another woman: Please, please, please, put down the cup of urine.

Elliot: Dr. Cox, does this shade of red make me look like a clown?
Dr. Cox: No, Barbie, no. It makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively to clowns.
Elliot: Oh, I'm sorry, that was my mistake. I keep forgetting that you're a horrible, horrible person.
Dr. Cox: Oooh, backbone, Barbie.

Elliot: Dr. Cox, I cannot miss this dinner.
Dr. Cox: Oh, Barbie, I- I actually see your point. You should, in fact, go on your little date, because I have some busy work that's gonna take me over into the vicinity of Mr. Hudson's room, so I'll just pop my head in there and tell him that he's going to die. But, if you have a moment between dinner and giving it away for free, if you could pick up the phone and call Mr. Hudson's wife and kids and tell them about, you know, the dying? Oh, I know, sugar. This would be just the most terrific place to work on the planet if it weren't for all these sick people. Wouldn't it.

Carla: Wendy, would you watch the phones for me while I go back down to the urology lab?
Wendy: Sure.
Dr. Kelso: Nurse Espinosa, I specifically requested that you transfer Mrs. Merchant to the Morning Side Nursing Home. I'd take her there myself, but then I'd run the risk of bumping into my mother, and the last thing I need is to have another conversation about why she shouldn't have to spend her golden years in a bunk-bed. Now, either do the job we pay you for, or I'll find someone else who will! Oh. [smiles] Have a great day!

J.D.: [v.o.] Hospitals are filled with people who just came off 18-hour shifts. So when a patient dies, it's not uncommon to take them to the morgue yourself, then grab a little shut-eye in their bed. Unfortunately, sometimes you're beaten to the punch.
J.D.: I'm up!
Nurse Roberts: [screams]
[later, Nurse Roberts stands outside with a chipped front tooth:]
J.D.: You can hardly notice it It's actually kinda pretty!
Nurse Roberts: Jack-ass.