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33Quotes from ‘My Journey’

Scrubs: My Journey

302. My Journey

Aired October 9, 2003

After Turk and Carla set a date for their wedding, J.D. wants to take him out to celebrate the occasion. Meanwhile, Elliot gets back together with Sean (Scott Foley), and Carla obsesses about an unlabeled urine sample.

Quote from J.D.

Carla: Okay, I have some news! We picked a date for the wedding. Tell 'em Turk. April 24th.
Elliot: No, way! Mine is April 25th! 2006! Oh, the place I love in Connecticut books up early so what the hell, took a shot.
J.D.: One, two, three...
J.D. & Turk: Crazy!
Elliot: Oh, so you've never dreamt about your wedding day.
[fantasy:]
Priest: Do you, John Dorian, take Marcia Brady to be your wife?
Maureen McCormick: My name is Maureen McCormick.
J.D.: Marcia, please! Father, continue.

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Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, my God. The janitor's afraid of Carla! How could I use this to my advantage?
[fantasy: Carla berates the Janitor:]
Carla: Listen, I want you to lay off J.D.! Stop accusing him of things he didn't do! And bring him a fruit smoothie every day.
Janitor: El gustaría de fresa o guineo? ["Would he like strawberry or banana?"]
J.D.: El coche del árbol morado con queso ["Purple tree car with cheese."]
Janitor: Mentiroso! ["Liar"]
[The Janitor removes the mask to reveal it's J.D.]
J.D.: Feliz Navidad.
[reality:]
J.D.: I'd have to learn Spanish.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: You know I just, uh, I just got off the phone with Jordan, who told me that my son rolled over for the first time.
Elliot: Oh, my God! That's so great!
Dr. Cox: Big who cares! Not about Jack rolling over for the first time, but definitely about your reaction to my son rolling over for the first time. Point being that I missed it because I was here. You might want to get a pen out and write this down, because here comes the inside scoop: The hospital comes first. Always.
Elliot: Always?
Dr. Cox: Forever and ever. And ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.... You getting this? And ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever...

Quote from Carla

Carla: Listen, Stretch, if you know who this belongs to, I'd 'fess up right now. Otherwise, I'm gonna grab you by the back of that two-dollar haircut and force-feed you the sample so you can carry it around all day. That way, if I ever want it back, all I have to do is point you at a beaker and squeeze really hard! Now, you got any more funny jokes you gotta tell me?
Janitor: No, ma'am.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Carla: Who left this urine here?
Dr. Cox: Someone's got a secret admirer!
Carla: Dr. Kelso? Someone left this urine specimen sitting around. What's interesting is that the name tag's been ripped right off.
Dr. Kelso: Sweetheart, I think you're confusing interesting with boring.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Carla, you're forcing me to say something that I prayed I'd never have to say again to another woman: Please, please, please, put down the cup of urine.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Elliot: Dr. Cox, does this shade of red make me look like a clown?
Dr. Cox: No, Barbie, no. It makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively to clowns.
Elliot: Oh, I'm sorry, that was my mistake. I keep forgetting that you're a horrible, horrible person.
Dr. Cox: Oooh, backbone, Barbie.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Elliot: Dr. Cox, I cannot miss this dinner.
Dr. Cox: Oh, Barbie, I- I actually see your point. You should, in fact, go on your little date, because I have some busy work that's gonna take me over into the vicinity of Mr. Hudson's room, so I'll just pop my head in there and tell him that he's going to die. But, if you have a moment between dinner and giving it away for free, if you could pick up the phone and call Mr. Hudson's wife and kids and tell them about, you know, the dying? Oh, I know, sugar. This would be just the most terrific place to work on the planet if it weren't for all these sick people. Wouldn't it.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Carla: Wendy, would you watch the phones for me while I go back down to the urology lab?
Wendy: Sure.
Dr. Kelso: Nurse Espinosa, I specifically requested that you transfer Mrs. Merchant to the Morning Side Nursing Home. I'd take her there myself, but then I'd run the risk of bumping into my mother, and the last thing I need is to have another conversation about why she shouldn't have to spend her golden years in a bunk-bed. Now, either do the job we pay you for, or I'll find someone else who will! Oh. [smiles] Have a great day!

Quote from Nurse Roberts

J.D.: [v.o.] Hospitals are filled with people who just came off 18-hour shifts. So when a patient dies, it's not uncommon to take them to the morgue yourself, then grab a little shut-eye in their bed. Unfortunately, sometimes you're beaten to the punch.
J.D.: I'm up!
Nurse Roberts: [screams]
[later, Nurse Roberts stands outside with a chipped front tooth:]
J.D.: You can hardly notice it It's actually kinda pretty!
Nurse Roberts: Jack-ass.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: By the way, Carla, I know an amazing Journey cover band, you should get 'em to play at your reception.
Carla: Bambi, not everyone loves Journey as much as you.
J.D.: I don't love Journey.
Turk: [singing] "She's just a small town girl"
J.D.: "Livin' in a lonely world! She took a midnight train goin' an-y-where!" Fine, I love 'em. If you wanna book the band, they're called The Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin's and they rock! Book 'em now, thank me later.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: I can't believe you and Carla set a date.
Turk: Yep, it's happening.
Dr. Cox: Wedding talk! Oh, how lovely! Listen, Hilton sisters: Mr. Quinn in 206 still has a severely shattered clavicle and he needs a surgical consult now. And, seeing as he's your patient, and you're a surgeon, gosh, I was hoping that if you two hens have an extra moment between choosing centerpieces and deciding just exactly how you're gonna attach that veil onto Baldy's head, well, it would just be super-de-duper if you could peek in in there and give him the old lookie-loo; wouldn't it?

Quote from Nurse Roberts

Carla: Well, I'm telling you, Laverne, by this afternoon we're gonna find out whose urine this is.
Nurse Roberts: I got a better idea: Why don't you do that. I'm gonna run across the street and get my tooth fixed so I can stop looking like Larry Holmes.

Quote from Todd

Cashier: $6.50 please.
Carla: $6.50 for an egg salad sandwich?
Cashier: $4 for the egg salad, $2 for the apple juice that you put in a urine container.
Carla: Who would do that?!
Todd: Just the burger for me.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Uh, it's not any of my business, but I think I know whose wizz that is.
Carla: I love you! Okay, go.
Janitor: Uh, his name is Mr. Freely.
Carla: First name?
Janitor: I.P.
Carla: "I.P. Freely"?
Janitor: Funny in third grade, funny now.

Quote from Todd

J.D.: I'm outta here.
Turk: Hey! J.D. Come on, man! All right, fine, man! I could have plenty of deep moments with The Todd!
Todd: Hey. You think gay dudes get turned on by their own wieners?
Turk: Oh, my God.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Turk: Whassup?
J.D.: Oh, nothing. I just found out my favorite chips cause anal leakage and, oh, I'm not talking to you.
Dr. Cox: How did you get him to stop talking to you?
J.D.: I don't get it, man. All I wanted to do was take you to dinner, and you made me feel like a total idiot.
Dr. Cox: Wait a minute, I always make him feel like an idiot.
Turk: Why you making a big deal about this?
J.D.: You never tell me how you feel!
Dr. Cox: Aw, dammit all! I never tell you how I feel.
J.D.: I'm not talking to you!
Dr. Cox: Finally! Thank you.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: I don't understand. Ever since I met you it's been like this one-way street. I mean, I tell you everything, and you tell me nothing. I don't get it. What are you afraid of?
Will: Hey, guys. This is my fiance, Tracy. This is Dr. Turk, and Dr. Dorian.
[The Caucasian patient Will is wearing a blue dressing gown of similar color to J.D.'s scrubs. Tracy is an African-American man wearing a green shirt of similar color to Turk's surgical scrubs]
Dr. Cox: Honest to God, I- I love this place.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Nurse Espinosa, I feel bad about what happened before; and so I went and searched through like forty bags of garbage. And I found the torn off urine label. Also found half a tooth.
Nurse Roberts: Over here, jumpsuit!
Carla: Mr. Thomasberg, let's get you to the lab!
Dr. Cox: Hey, studly! Now, when you were out rooting through the dumpster, you didn't stumble across your own testicles, did ya?
Janitor: Hey, you know that long line of trembling peons that are so afraid of you? Well I'm not in that line.
Dr. Cox: Oh, you're not?
Janitor: No. I'm not in anybody's line.
Nurse Roberts: This is a Chicklet!
Janitor: I gotta go.


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