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‘My Half-Acre’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Scrubs: My Half-Acre

509. My Half-Acre

Aired February 7, 2006

After J.D. lets a patient set him up with her klutzy grandniece, Julie (guest star Mandy Moore), Elliot warns him not to move too fast. Dr. Cox refuses to find another way to treat a patient who won't have a blood transfusion. Meanwhile, the Janitor forms an "air band".

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] From that moment on, it was the greatest date ever. We had so much in common.
Julie: I ride a scooter, I love Harry Potter so much I sometimes wish I was a wizard and I've hated sports since I was a kid.
J.D.: Me too! Do you ever, like, drift off and have weird fantasies?
[Julie's fantasy: Noticing that J.D. is distracted, Julie pops the waitresses large breasts with her fork]
Julie: Sometimes.
J.D.: So do you want me to see if they'll give us some more coffee or do you want to just call it a night?
J.D.: [v.o.] And then she gave the world's best answer.
Julie: Neither.

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Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Why would Julie just take off like that? I'll bet you my body intimidated her. That's it. I am selling that Bowflex on Craigslist.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Now, Mrs. Wilk, you have developed an allergy to melphalan. However, I've come up with a new regimen that will enable us to continue treatment.
Mrs. Wilk: OK.
Carla: Oh, I think he described all the extra effort he put in so you would tell him what an amazing doctor he is.
Mrs. Wilk: Now that you've told me, it won't sound sincere.
Carla: He won't care.
Mrs. Wilk: Dr. Cox, you're amazing.
Dr. Cox: It's just my job.

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: [v.o.] So I had to use Elliot's advice with Julie. Luckily, she's not great at gloating.
Elliot: Ha-ha, you had sex with a beautiful girl that you really like.
J.D.: [v.o.] Sometimes she needs a little help.
J.D.: You probably meant to say if it weren't for you, I'd still be dating my laptop.
Elliot: Right! In your face! [laughs] [whispers] Thank you.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] My blind date should be here any second. I gotta thank Mrs. Nickels for setting this up. [a goofy, frumpish woman enters] Oh, Mrs. Nickels, you blue-haired bitch. Wait. She's veering off. Phew! [a young, attractive woman enters] Okay, Mrs. Nickels, your new hip is on the house because this girl is amazing. And yet there's something so accessible about her. I wonder what it is.
[Julie crashes into the dessert cart]
Julie: Ooh, I'm gonna have the carrot cake.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: So I guess your date sucked, huh?
J.D.: Ha! Why don't you ask her if our date sucked? She's in my room.
Elliot: Twenty bucks says you blow it in less than five minutes.
J.D.: Unlikely, 'cause what's waiting for me in my room is what's known in football terms as a slam dunk. [exits]
Elliot: One Mississippi. Two Mississippi...
Julie: It's so late. I gotta get going. I have a dog and a fish. I have to feed them and walk them and stuff. I'm Julie. Hi.
Elliot: I was Elliot. Twenty bucks, please.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Jordan: Will you say goodbye to Jack? I have to drop him off at preschool.
Dr. Cox: Oh. [pats Jack's head] Bye, little man.
Jordan: Uh, Perry, this is your son, not a rescued pit bull. Give him a kiss.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, he's starting to look like a guy and I'm just not real big on kissing guys. I mean, when my father showed me affection, he would just purposely miss when he threw bottles at my head.
Jordan: You are gonna be a much better dad than your dad was. Now give him a proper goodbye.
Dr. Cox: [handshake] Son, always a pleasure. No more kissing!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: I'm having so much fun hanging out with you. Can you believe we've been talking two hours?
Julie: Seriously?
J.D.: Nah, while you were in the bathroom, I set the clock two hours ahead so you'd think time was just flying by.
Julie: Really? While I was in the bathroom, I wrote my name in the mirror with my finger so next time you took a shower and it fogged up, you'd think ghosts were telling you to be with me.
J.D.: [v.o.] Looking at her, I knew what the future held for Julie and me.
[fade to: J.D. and Julie looking much older as they sit on the couch:]
J.D.: Smile.
Julie: Oh, God, this mask is hot.
J.D.: Thanks for doing that. I wanted a picture of us old, you know? That way if one of us dies in a tragic skiing accident, we'll always have that memory of us together.

Quote from J.D.

Julie: So, what do you want to do now?
J.D.: [v.o.] OK, romance is in the air. You gotta say something. Tell her about the hit-and-run. No, she probably loves ponies. Ask if she's been tested. Why are these odd thoughts popping into my head? My God, look at the size of her feet. Tell her. Stop it! OK, the silence has gone on too long. Just say that thing Elliot told you, even though it's stupid.
J.D.: I'm really glad I found you.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Turk: Dr. Kelso, I'll go to that conference.
Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, I have many more pressing issues, starting with a gigantic paralyzed wife, and ending with a gay son who has just written a scathing musical about me called Dr. Dad, which, despite mixed reviews, has just been held over in Buffalo. So why don't you just do whatever the hell you want to do.

Quote from Janitor

Todd: What's going on?
Janitor: Ted and I are putting together an air band for that contest at the bar. Someone's gotta win those water park tickets. Might as well be us. Lloyd, slammin' solo, but I have to ask, how's things with the drug problem?
Lloyd: Three days sober.
Janitor: Excellent. OK. We'll be in touch.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Well, Mrs. Nickels, it was an honor being your doctor.
Mrs. Nickels: Oh, you're such a nice young man. I'd love to set you up with my grandniece.
J.D.: Oh, thank you. I'm not big on blind dates. And I know, I haven't hit it in a while, but there's good reason for that.
Dr. Cox: Two good reasons: His face and personality.
J.D.: Sticks and stones may break my bones...
J.D.: [v.o.] But words will hurt forever.
J.D.: Anyway, for me to be set up with your niece, I'd need to know a lot more about her.
Mrs. Nickels: She's single.

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: I'm sure you said something that sucked all the romance out of the moment. You used to do that all the time when we were dating.
J.D.: Like when?
[flashback to J.D. and Elliot in bed:]
J.D.: Are you getting thicker? You feel a little thicker. What?
[present:]
J.D.: Fine, I may have told her that she smells like my mom. Which, by the way, I still maintain is a compliment.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: I just don't understand. Why wouldn't you kiss him?
Dr. Cox: [singsong] Stay out of it, Carla.
Mrs. Wilk: Stay out of what?
Carla: Dr. Cox won't kiss his son.
Mrs. Wilk: What is wrong with you?
Dr. Cox: Ladies, hate to disappoint, but my quota for women who bug the living bejesus out of me has been met for the next billion years.

Quote from Turk

Janitor: Somethin' funny?
Turk: Dude, I just came up with the perfect name for your band: Mercy Flush. [laughs]

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: I don't know what it is, but he's got it.
Lloyd: He's going to be trouble.
Janitor: I know. But he's so damn talented.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] I convinced Julie to meet me by explaining that my comment in the bedroom was a simple miscommunication.
J.D.: I wasn't saying you smelled like my mom. I was saying you smelled like Mu-Mum. Yeah, it's an exotic flower that's indigenous to the hills of Costa Rica.
Julie: God, I feel so stupid.
J.D.: Hugsies.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, Mommy.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Isn't she great?
Elliot: So you got the second date. Just don't repeat the mistakes you made with me. Don't speed down the road and pretend your brakes are out. I don't care if it got you laid once in high school. It is not funny and I still have not forgiven you for killing that family's pony. But most importantly, if you ever find yourself in a romantic situation again, ignore whatever pops into your head. Just look into her eyes and say these exact words: "I'm so glad I found you."
J.D.: You're telling me what to say? Next thing you'll be telling me how to kiss her. I mean, where does it end?
[fantasy: Elliot, dressed as J.D., is kissing Julie:]
Julie: You are such a good kisser, J.D.
Elliot: Hmm. Right back at you. And I love that you're calling me J.D.
[reality:]
J.D.: Stay away from my girlfriend, Elliot. And stay away from my J.D. wigs!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Lonnie: Dr. Cox, could you help me with a central line?
Dr. Cox: Fine, Lonnie, but hand to God, if you so much as look at me for the next month, I will mummify your head in surgical tape.
Lonnie: [looking away] Thank you, Dr. Cox. Is he gone? No. Hello?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: Mrs. London, this is Dr. Cox. He's going to be your doctor.
Dr. Cox: Good news. Your intestinal bleeding can be fixed with a very simple surgery.
Mrs. London: Surgery? I'm a Jehovah's Witness. I can't get a transfusion. We believe that blood should not be passed from person to person.
Dr. Cox: And I'm a doctor. And we believe that without surgery, a patient in your condition can suffer from a major case of deadness.
Carla: Don't worry, he'll figure out another way to treat you.
Dr. Cox: [laughing] No, he won't.

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