J.D.: [v.o.] From that moment on, it was the greatest date ever. We had so much in common.
Julie: I ride a scooter, I love Harry Potter so much I sometimes wish I was a wizard and I've hated sports since I was a kid.
J.D.: Me too! Do you ever, like, drift off and have weird fantasies?
[Julie's fantasy: Noticing that J.D. is distracted, Julie pops the waitresses large breasts with her fork]
Julie: Sometimes.
J.D.: So do you want me to see if they'll give us some more coffee or do you want to just call it a night?
J.D.: [v.o.] And then she gave the world's best answer.
Julie: Neither.

J.D.: Why would Julie just take off like that? I'll bet you my body intimidated her. That's it. I am selling that Bowflex on Craigslist.

Dr. Cox: Now, Mrs. Wilk, you have developed an allergy to melphalan. However, I've come up with a new regimen that will enable us to continue treatment.
Mrs. Wilk: OK.
Carla: Oh, I think he described all the extra effort he put in so you would tell him what an amazing doctor he is.
Mrs. Wilk: Now that you've told me, it won't sound sincere.
Carla: He won't care.
Mrs. Wilk: Dr. Cox, you're amazing.
Dr. Cox: It's just my job.

J.D.: [v.o.] So I had to use Elliot's advice with Julie. Luckily, she's not great at gloating.
Elliot: Ha-ha, you had sex with a beautiful girl that you really like.
J.D.: [v.o.] Sometimes she needs a little help.
J.D.: You probably meant to say if it weren't for you, I'd still be dating my laptop.
Elliot: Right! In your face! [laughs] [whispers] Thank you.

J.D.: [v.o.] My blind date should be here any second. I gotta thank Mrs. Nickels for setting this up. [a goofy, frumpish woman enters] Oh, Mrs. Nickels, you blue-haired bitch. Wait. She's veering off. Phew! [a young, attractive woman enters] Okay, Mrs. Nickels, your new hip is on the house because this girl is amazing. And yet there's something so accessible about her. I wonder what it is.
[Julie crashes into the dessert cart]
Julie: Ooh, I'm gonna have the carrot cake.

Elliot: So I guess your date sucked, huh?
J.D.: Ha! Why don't you ask her if our date sucked? She's in my room.
Elliot: Twenty bucks says you blow it in less than five minutes.
J.D.: Unlikely, 'cause what's waiting for me in my room is what's known in football terms as a slam dunk. [exits]
Elliot: One Mississippi. Two Mississippi...
Julie: It's so late. I gotta get going. I have a dog and a fish. I have to feed them and walk them and stuff. I'm Julie. Hi.
Elliot: I was Elliot. Twenty bucks, please.

Jordan: Will you say goodbye to Jack? I have to drop him off at preschool.
Dr. Cox: Oh. [pats Jack's head] Bye, little man.
Jordan: Uh, Perry, this is your son, not a rescued pit bull. Give him a kiss.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, he's starting to look like a guy and I'm just not real big on kissing guys. I mean, when my father showed me affection, he would just purposely miss when he threw bottles at my head.
Jordan: You are gonna be a much better dad than your dad was. Now give him a proper goodbye.
Dr. Cox: [handshake] Son, always a pleasure. No more kissing!

J.D.: I'm having so much fun hanging out with you. Can you believe we've been talking two hours?
Julie: Seriously?
J.D.: Nah, while you were in the bathroom, I set the clock two hours ahead so you'd think time was just flying by.
Julie: Really? While I was in the bathroom, I wrote my name in the mirror with my finger so next time you took a shower and it fogged up, you'd think ghosts were telling you to be with me.
J.D.: [v.o.] Looking at her, I knew what the future held for Julie and me.
[fade to: J.D. and Julie looking much older as they sit on the couch:]
J.D.: Smile.
Julie: Oh, God, this mask is hot.
J.D.: Thanks for doing that. I wanted a picture of us old, you know? That way if one of us dies in a tragic skiing accident, we'll always have that memory of us together.

Julie: So, what do you want to do now?
J.D.: [v.o.] OK, romance is in the air. You gotta say something. Tell her about the hit-and-run. No, she probably loves ponies. Ask if she's been tested. Why are these odd thoughts popping into my head? My God, look at the size of her feet. Tell her. Stop it! OK, the silence has gone on too long. Just say that thing Elliot told you, even though it's stupid.
J.D.: I'm really glad I found you.

Turk: Dr. Kelso, I'll go to that conference.
Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, I have many more pressing issues, starting with a gigantic paralyzed wife, and ending with a gay son who has just written a scathing musical about me called Dr. Dad, which, despite mixed reviews, has just been held over in Buffalo. So why don't you just do whatever the hell you want to do.