J.D.: Hey, you wanna play darts?
Danni: Sure.
J.D.: Great. Have fun, I'll be over here.
Danni: Do you even enjoy spending time with me?
J.D.: "Enjoy" is such a strong word. I- I'm used to it. You know, like cafeteria food, or the constant threat of terrorism.

Turk: She's already back with Sean.
Carla: How soon after you guys hooked up?
J.D.: About ninety seconds. What should I do?
J.D.: [v.o.] That was a huge mistake. Because the closer Turk and Carla got to their wedding, the more they became one of those annoying couples that thought they knew everything about relationships.
Both: Look, J..D.
Turk: You first, honey.
Carla: J.D., love is like a butterfly. Hold it too tight and you'll crush it.
Turk: Too loose and it flies away. [they kiss]

[As the Janitor uses a step ladder to reconnect the alarm, he is so startled when it blares that he falls off the ladder]
Turk & Carla: Are you all right?
Janitor: Some hooligan keeps disconnecting the alarm. I told security to look into it? But no, no, they'd rather catch the guy who's stealing organs from the transplant ward. If I was a security guard around here, things would be different.
Carla: You really want to be a security guard?
Janitor: Who around here commands more respect than the men who wear blue and green?
Turk: The uniforms are black and gray.
Janitor: You got me. I don't see colors well. Happy now?

J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, Elliot really hurt me. Still, right now I need to keep a level head. My emotions are all over the place, and it's important that I don't do anything rash.
J.D.: [coughs] Do you have to do that here?
Danni: What? I like smoking after sex.
J.D.: And during. God, you never used to smoke.
Danni: Yeah, but back then I was pretending to be someone I thought you wanted me to be, and that didn't work. So now. I'm gonna let the real me come out. And the real me wants to do it again and she wants to do it rough.
J.D.: Oh, I don't know, Danni. The real me's not really into that.
Danni: [shouts] Give it to me!
J.D.: [slaps Danni] Oh, my God, Danni, I am so sorry. I thought that's what you wanted.
Danni: It was. [twists J.D.'s nipples]
J.D.: [screams]

Dr. Kelso: Okay, this badge is now yours.
Janitor: I just want to thank you for believing in me. And I want to assure you that I am gonna be guarding these hospital gates the way Cerberus guarded the gates of hell.
Dr. Kelso: Yeah, that's terrific.

Carla: Look at you in your new uniform. And they give you a nightstick.
Janitor: Well, actually, this is my dad's. He used to use this baby every day at work.
Turk: Was he a cop?
Janitor: Uh, no, cat trainer.
Turk & Carla: Oh.
[As the Janitor walks away:]
Turk: Meow. That way!

Janitor: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Moving a little quick there, aren't we, bub? Got a story to tell me?
Dr. Cox: Here's a story : It's called The Security Guard Who Was Sodomized With His Own Nightstick.
Janitor: Why don't we just consider this a warning.

Dr. Miller: Don't worry about it. I will drive him out there myself, he can play with his friends for an hour, and then I'll drive him back.
Dr. Cox: I won't worry about it. Mostly because he's not going. You see, I'm his doctor now.
Dr. Miller: I didn't listen to you before, so now you're gonna take it out on the patient.
Dr. Cox: Look, I honestly don't think that going to some dive bar is necessarily appropriate for somebody who just had kidney surgery. Although, don't get me wrong, the fact that it seems to be pissing you off so much is the true definition of an added perk. Seriously, you can you can look it up in the dictionary. It's under "P" for "perk". It's right next to "pain in the ass" and, curiously enough, your picture is right next to it.

Dr. Kelso: Listen, Serpico, I go four steps out that door to my car every day. And that's important, because if I don't beat Enid home from her thighs & buns class, I have to help her peel off her leotard. So remember this: I hired you, and I can fire you.

J.D.: I mean, come on, how many couples out there actually have fun together?
Sean: Guys, Elliot and I are in the middle of a marathon game of Hide & Go Seek. If she comes in, you didn't see me.
Elliot: Ninety-nine, one hundred. Have you guys seen Sean?
J.D.: Yeah, he's- Where'd he go? [J.D. sees Sean is hiding inside the jukebox] Aw, he's a dynamite hider.