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‘My Choosiest Choice of All’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Scrubs: My Choosiest Choice of All

319. My Choosiest Choice of All

Aired April 20, 2004

As Turk and Carla get closer to their wedding, they start acting like one of those couples who knows everything about relationships. After sleeping with Elliot just before Sean returned, J.D. jumps back into bed with Danni (Tara Reid). Meanwhile, the Janitor becomes a security guard at the hospital.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Hey, you wanna play darts?
Danni: Sure.
J.D.: Great. Have fun, I'll be over here.
Danni: Do you even enjoy spending time with me?
J.D.: "Enjoy" is such a strong word. I- I'm used to it. You know, like cafeteria food, or the constant threat of terrorism.

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Quote from Carla

Turk: She's already back with Sean.
Carla: How soon after you guys hooked up?
J.D.: About ninety seconds. What should I do?
J.D.: [v.o.] That was a huge mistake. Because the closer Turk and Carla got to their wedding, the more they became one of those annoying couples that thought they knew everything about relationships.
Both: Look, J..D.
Turk: You first, honey.
Carla: J.D., love is like a butterfly. Hold it too tight and you'll crush it.
Turk: Too loose and it flies away. [they kiss]

Quote from Janitor

[As the Janitor uses a step ladder to reconnect the alarm, he is so startled when it blares that he falls off the ladder]
Turk & Carla: Are you all right?
Janitor: Some hooligan keeps disconnecting the alarm. I told security to look into it? But no, no, they'd rather catch the guy who's stealing organs from the transplant ward. If I was a security guard around here, things would be different.
Carla: You really want to be a security guard?
Janitor: Who around here commands more respect than the men who wear blue and green?
Turk: The uniforms are black and gray.
Janitor: You got me. I don't see colors well. Happy now?

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, Elliot really hurt me. Still, right now I need to keep a level head. My emotions are all over the place, and it's important that I don't do anything rash.
J.D.: [coughs] Do you have to do that here?
Danni: What? I like smoking after sex.
J.D.: And during. God, you never used to smoke.
Danni: Yeah, but back then I was pretending to be someone I thought you wanted me to be, and that didn't work. So now. I'm gonna let the real me come out. And the real me wants to do it again and she wants to do it rough.
J.D.: Oh, I don't know, Danni. The real me's not really into that.
Danni: [shouts] Give it to me!
J.D.: [slaps Danni] Oh, my God, Danni, I am so sorry. I thought that's what you wanted.
Danni: It was. [twists J.D.'s nipples]
J.D.: [screams]

Quote from Janitor

Dr. Kelso: Okay, this badge is now yours.
Janitor: I just want to thank you for believing in me. And I want to assure you that I am gonna be guarding these hospital gates the way Cerberus guarded the gates of hell.
Dr. Kelso: Yeah, that's terrific.

Quote from Janitor

Carla: Look at you in your new uniform. And they give you a nightstick.
Janitor: Well, actually, this is my dad's. He used to use this baby every day at work.
Turk: Was he a cop?
Janitor: Uh, no, cat trainer.
Turk & Carla: Oh.
[As the Janitor walks away:]
Turk: Meow. That way!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Janitor: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Moving a little quick there, aren't we, bub? Got a story to tell me?
Dr. Cox: Here's a story : It's called The Security Guard Who Was Sodomized With His Own Nightstick.
Janitor: Why don't we just consider this a warning.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Miller: Don't worry about it. I will drive him out there myself, he can play with his friends for an hour, and then I'll drive him back.
Dr. Cox: I won't worry about it. Mostly because he's not going. You see, I'm his doctor now.
Dr. Miller: I didn't listen to you before, so now you're gonna take it out on the patient.
Dr. Cox: Look, I honestly don't think that going to some dive bar is necessarily appropriate for somebody who just had kidney surgery. Although, don't get me wrong, the fact that it seems to be pissing you off so much is the true definition of an added perk. Seriously, you can you can look it up in the dictionary. It's under "P" for "perk". It's right next to "pain in the ass" and, curiously enough, your picture is right next to it.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Listen, Serpico, I go four steps out that door to my car every day. And that's important, because if I don't beat Enid home from her thighs & buns class, I have to help her peel off her leotard. So remember this: I hired you, and I can fire you.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: I mean, come on, how many couples out there actually have fun together?
Sean: Guys, Elliot and I are in the middle of a marathon game of Hide & Go Seek. If she comes in, you didn't see me.
Elliot: Ninety-nine, one hundred. Have you guys seen Sean?
J.D.: Yeah, he's- Where'd he go? [J.D. sees Sean is hiding inside the jukebox] Aw, he's a dynamite hider.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: Morning.
Carla: What's up with him?
Turk: He slept with Elliot last night.
Carla: Is it that time of year again?
Turk: Dude, ignore her. That's three years in a row who's feeling you?
J.D.: You be.

Quote from J.D.

Irv: I'm sorry, sir. But there's no parking allowed at the emergency curb. But I'd be happy to park your car for you, and run the keys up to you in a jiff.
Man: Yeah. Except this is my only set? And I'm afraid you might eat them. Okay? See ya, tubs.
Irv: I've been trying like the dickens to cut down on my snacking, but it's just so...
J.D.: Bup-bup-bup. You look great, Irv.
J.D.: [v.o.] Irv didn't look great, but I didn't have time to talk.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Danni!?
J.D.: [v.o.] When you run into someone you used to date, either you find them totally annoying or enough time has passed that you've idealized everything about them.
Danni: Hey, J.D.
J.D.: [v.o.] "Hey, J.D."

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] And there she was. My lady.
J.D.: Hey, Elliot.
Elliot: J.D., I can't talk right now.
J.D.: Should we just hold each other?
Sean: Sorry. Sorry, I couldn't find a parking spot. Hey, J.D. What's up?
J.D.: What's up?
[fantasy: J.D. is wearing a Viking helmet and using a bull-horn:]
J.D.: Attention, Sacred Heart! Everyone please gather 'round. Doctors, nurses, patients, hear ye, hear ye. Everyone should know that last night, Elliot Reid and I made passionate love for a good hour and a half. Check that! A great hour and a half. When I hit it, I hit it good! That is all!
[reality, J.D. is silent so Elliot and Sean walk away:]
Carla: Aww, Bambi freeze up again?
Turk: It's not our problem, honey.

Quote from J.D.

[As Elliot and Sean kiss:]
J.D.: You've got something on your face.
Sean: What?
J.D.: [v.o.] The love of my life.
J.D.: You got it.

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: Listen, J.D. Last night was really important to me.
J.D.: I know. I mean, you don't want to be rusty at sex before you throw down with your real boyfriend, do ya?
Elliot: Look, you and I have been down this road before and we both know where it ends. I'm sorry. I just I really want to make this work with Sean. So, please don't say anything to him?
J.D.: Okay? I totally understand. You know, Danni and I are getting back together, too.
J.D.: [v.o.] We are?
Elliot: Danni? Danni, Danni, Danni. What was her last name?
J.D.: [v.o.] Damn! I should know this.
Elliot: [gasps] Blonde hair!
J.D.: Yes. Raspy voice.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Miller: Oh, yeah. That incision's healing up nicely.
Jeff: Thanks again, Dr. Miller. I'm gonna have my band write a song about you.
Dr. Miller: Well, I'm glad I struck a chord. [laughs]
Dr. Cox: Yeah, listen: While you were proving once and for all that pretty girls do not in fact need to be funny, I went ahead and took a look at your little rock star's chart.
Dr. Miller: Oh, did you?
Dr. Cox: Yes, I did. And his urine output is dropping, so you should probably start him on Lasix.
Dr. Miller: You amuse me. So even though he's post-op and still technically my patient, I'm gonna pretend to consider your opinion before I walk away and do whatever I want. Hmm. No!

Quote from Carla

Carla: Look, if you're really into security, Irv's position just opened up.
Janitor: What happened to Irv?
[flashback to Irv smothering the man who was rude to him:]
Man: Tubs?
Irv: Who's tubby now!?!?!
Nurse: Stop him!
[As Carla and Turk tackle Irv, she injects him with a sedative to take him down]
[present:]
Carla: He had to be let go.

Quote from Jordan

Dr. Cox: Quick question: Will my son ever stop crying?
Jordan: You know what's so sweet? This morning, Jack called her "Da-Da".
Dr. Cox: I'm- I'm- I'm sorry. Look, there's a new doctor at the hospital, and she is such a relentless chore that every time she's harping at me, I actually see your face.
Jordan: I love that you think about me at work.
Dr. Cox: Honestly, Jordan, I have never despised anyone more.
Jordan: Oh, my God. You have a crush on her.
Dr. Cox: Who said who to what now?
Jordan: It is so typical. We have an amazing son, we're totally getting along for a change but that's too boring for you. It's too nice! So you have to go and blow the whole thing up, don't you? Well, bravo, Perry. Oh, fantastic.
Dr. Cox: [to the heavens] Now, I know you say you love us all equally. But you don't, do ya. I'm onto you, Big Man.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] I felt bad about hooking up with Danni. But luckily no one knew.
J.D.: You want any water? Well, do you guys?
Carla: Bambi. We know you were in there with Danni. We heard you say her name.
J.D.: Oh, no, no. I was I was in there with my buddy Danny, from the gym.
Turk: But we heard you say "Take it all, Danni!"
J.D.: He's a really good buddy.

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