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27Quotes from ‘My New Old Friend’

Scrubs: My New Old Friend

212. My New Old Friend

Aired January 9, 2003

J.D. and Elliot decide to stop being sex buddies. Dr. Cox treats a hypochondriac (guest star Richard Kind). Meanwhile, Turk is uncomfortable taking a driving license away a patient who reminds him of his grandmother.

Quote from Janitor

Turk: Hey, that whole damn building is packed with liars.
J.D.: It is not.
[meanwhile, at a school career day:]
Janitor: Well, if the cut was that deep, I'd probably just pull your arm off. Once again Dr. Jan ltor. Dr. Jan ltor.

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Quote from J.D.

Turk: Where the hell is Carla? Man, we're gonna miss the previews.
J.D.: Hey, you're black, right?
Turk: Here we go.
J.D.: I hate that stereotype that all black people yell at movie screens. You know, like you go see some horror flick and you'd be yelling, "Don't go in there, girl! He behind the door!" You know? It's like, it's offensive.
Turk: You wish you were allowed to yell at the screen, don't ya?
J.D.: Why does she go in there? I mean, he's behind the door!

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: [v.o.] Sometimes when you're down, you end up taking it out on the wrong person.
J.D.: Going on vacation?
Janitor: I get it, 'cause I'm a janitor, so when I pack for vacation I just pack cleaning supplies. That's funny.
J.D.: I thought so.
Janitor: Actually, I'm going to speak at my son's career day.
J.D.: About being a janitor?
Janitor: Well, you think there aren't kids out there that wanna grow up to make the world sparkle?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Oh, joy of joys, Mr. Corman, you've joined us yet again. And what imaginary disease is ailing you this time, my good man?
Elliot: This time he thinks he has the Yaba virus.
Mr. Corman: Your hair got longer. And I don't appreciate your tone.
Dr. Cox: Last month you thought you had Familial Mediterranean Fever.
Mr. Corman: I was at my friend Kelly Papadopolous' wedding, okay? I share a glass of ouzo with this guy named Yanos. Twenty minutes later, I ask the guy to pull over because I'm gonna explode in some guy's rose garden. Now what would you think?
Dr. Cox: Same thing I think right now. You got yourself a bad case of the "Wish you were sicks."

Quote from Dr. Cox

Mr. Corman: Yeah, well, I read the symptoms on the Internet, OK? I have Yaba.
Dr. Cox: Have you been in contact with many exotic primates this year?
Mr. Corman: I have been to the zoo, yes.
Dr. Cox: And while you were there, did you go ahead and jump right into the cage and play "toss the poop" with the other monkeys? Because if you did, then, yeah, you just might have Yaba. But if that's the case, it would be way, way down on the list of your problems.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: It's just the guy is here like a thousand times a year taking up a bed, and every second with him is time away from somebody I could help.
Carla: Well, what do you want me to do about it?
Dr. Cox: Follow my lead. Alas, Mr. Corman, shockingly, all your labs have come back and they're negative for everything.
Mr. Corman: Oh, come on.
Dr. Cox: OK, I'll tell you what. You have suggested that you're feeling rather tired lately, haven't you?
Mr. Corman: I'm listening.
Dr. Cox: And that you bruise easily.
Mr. Corman: Like an old banana.
Dr. Cox: For the record, I think you're fine, but if you'd like, we can go ahead and check out your bone marrow. Of course, that would mean sticking an enormous needle all the way through your hip, and it's very, very, very excruciatingly painful. Right, Carla?
Carla: Yes.
Dr. Cox: Thank you, Carla. So what's it gonna be there, champ? Head home and get some rest, or an afternoon of senseless, mind-numbing agony?
Mr. Corman: Ah, what the hell, I'll take the giant hip needle.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Zeltzer: That was some catch. The patient shows almost no symptoms. You called for a bone marrow biopsy? What made you even think to do that?
Dr. Cox: How about he was unbelievably annoying, and I wanted to scare him so bad that he'd never come back in my hospital again?
Carla: Don't worry, Dr. Zeltzer. He's only kidding.
Dr. Zeltzer: Stupid. See, that's where Leventhal has the edge. He would've got that. The man's hilarious. Of course, he wouldn't be laughing so hard if he knew I was sleeping with his wife.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Turk: Sir, I am so sorry. Miss Kaye told me about picking up her grandkids, and she said she was feeling fine, and I believed her.
Dr. Kelso: Doctor, follow me. Son, have you used drugs in the last 48 hours?
Young Man: Oh, no, sir. Never use drugs.
Dr. Kelso: Because this shot you're about to get could kill you if it's mixed with narcotics.
Young Man: Oh, drugs. Yes, sir, all the time.
Dr. Kelso: See? Waiting for the tox screen, six hours. Frightening the bejeebies out of the riffraff, ten seconds. Everybody lies, Dr. Turk, whether it's that doobie brother in there, or, say, me when I tell my son he can still live at the house after he graduates from art school. And by the way, sport, Mrs. Kaye doesn't have any grandchildren.

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: I understand that it's going to be a little harder for you to transition into being just friends again.
J.D.: Why?
Elliot: Because you're a guy.
J.D.: What does that have to do with anything?
Elliot: You're right. Know what we should do? Everything I own is in the back of this truck, including my bed. We should just get in there, get naked, and have sex one last time, just get it out of our system.
[later, J.D. is shivering in his underwear in Elliot's van:]
Elliot: J.D., I was kidding to prove a point.
J.D.: I know. Oh, yeah. This is how you like it.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Look, Elliot, I-
Dr. Cox: Oh, damn. I missed the annual sleepover, didn't I? That wonderful time of year when you two crazy kids throw caution to the wind and make sweet, elbowy love to each other. Don't you be shy. You can tell Uncle Coxy about the naught-ay.
Elliot: Dr. Cox, I lost my apartment and so I was just needing a place to stay.
Dr. Cox: So you went over to your "friend's" house and cried on his shoulder, boo-hoo. Wah. You of course comforted her because she was weak and vulnerable and blah, blah, blah, nerdy sex. The end. Dear Lord, Laverne, how in God's name do you listen to this crap all day long?
Nurse Roberts: Are you kidding? If he turns out to be her brother, this is better than my stories.
Dr. Cox: Oh, you are so right.

Quote from Carla

Dr. Cox: Give him a full work-up.
Carla: OK, Mr. Corman, you know the drill.
Mr. Corman: Here are my vitals. Here is the Mountain Dew. I'm just kidding. That's my urine sample. And you can start timing now. So, how you been doing? Still seeing that surgeon?
Carla: No talking.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: I don't care what the old bat says, I doubt she can back out of her own driveway. Tell her you're calling the DMV and having her license revoked immediately.
Turk: Why don't you tell her yourself, sir?
Dr. Kelso: Because she's my friend. Don't be insensitive, son. It's ugly on you.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Dude, she was going, like, 35 miles an hour. All you saw was, like, knuckles and a bun. Poor Bessie.
J.D.: What kind of grown man still names his car?
Turk: You do.
J.D.: Yeah, I've had Malik since I was 17. That's totally different. Don't worry about Kelso. His wife can drive him.
Turk: His wife hates him.
[fantasy: Dr. Kelso makes a rolling jump out of a moving car]
Turk: Morning, skipper. [Kelso is silent] I'm so dead.

Quote from Turk

Woman: I'm still a virgin.
Turk: You're pregnant.
Woman: Again?
[cut:]
Obese Man: Since the bypass, doc, nothing but salads.
[cut:]
Man: Look, it was an accident. My flashlight didn't have any batteries.
Turk: So you decided to put your penis in there?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Mr. Corman, great news. Dr. Zeltzer and I have gone over your test results and your prognosis is excellent.
Mr. Corman: That's great.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, it is.
Mr. Corman: But you know what? You guys can pat yourself on the back all you want, but I'm not an idiot. I know that you were screwing with me, that I come in here sometimes thinking that I'm sick when I'm not. But if you remember anything, you remember this. If it turns out I didn't have cancer, I could have been just some guy coming in here looking for help that you treated like crap.
Dr. Cox: Yeah.
Mr. Corman: The whole thing is giving me an ulcer.
Carla: You wanna be tested for that too, don't you?
Mr. Corman: Do you mind?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Why didn't you stop me?
Carla: What?
Dr. Cox: Why did you let me harass that guy?
Carla: So you think the fact that you got annoyed and became incredibly insensitive with another human being is my fault?
Dr. Cox: Yeah! Look it, whenever I'm about to do some stupid-ass stuff, you're the one who calls me on it and then you're damn sure the one that makes me stop. That's the way it works. That's the way it's worked for years. Just exactly what happened to that?
Carla: I guess I just don't get as good a read on you as I used to. Maybe all that therapy has changed you.
Dr. Cox: Oh, please, I'm crazier than ever. Look it, during this entire conversation I've actually been imagining myself sitting on a throne between us, watching all of this.
Carla: Maybe we're just not as close as we used to be.
Dr. Cox: Maybe.
Carla: So you're just, like, right here watching us?
Dr. Cox: No. Other side. Yeah. I'm invisible to the naked eye.
Carla: Of course.


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