702. My Hard Labor
Aired November 1, 2007
As Kim goes into labor, J.D. tries to avoid having a discussion about the state of their relationship. Meanwhile, Dr. Cox searches for a doctor to give baby Jennifer a shot, and Turk finds time to play a video game.
Quote from Dr. Cox
J.D.: The kid's not even born yet, and I'm already screwing up his life. I just wanted him to be really happy, and normal, you know?
Dr. Cox: Okay, first of all, Newbie, we're talking about your kid. So the whole normal part was never gonna happen. And you didn't mess up his life.
J.D.: Ah, come on, statistics show that kids whose parents stay together-
Dr. Cox: "Statistics show"? Who- Who cares, what statistics show? I mean, look at medicine. 80% of people with pancreatic cancer die within five years. 95% of appendectomies occur with zero complications. But we both know pancreatic cancer patients that lived, and appendix patients that, unfortunately, passed. Statistics mean nothing to the individual. You're either gonna be a good parent to that kid, or you're not. I mean, hell, your parents were divorced, and you somehow managed to become a relatively successful doctor. And I'm sure there's someone somewhere who would be proud to call you their son.
J.D.: Would you be proud to call me your son?
Dr. Cox: This conversation's over.
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: Finally we get to meet Sam. I wonder what he looks like.
Kim: Oh, I just want a healthy baby. I mean what more can you ask for?
[fantasy: J.D. is looking between the stirrups with Kim in delivery:]
J.D.: Any second now. What the-
Colin Hay: [sings] I come from a land down under
J.D.: [v.o.] So that's what that song's about.
Colin Hay: Where beer does flow and men chunder Can't you hear? Can't you hear the thunder?
J.D.: [v.o.] I wondered where he was hiding.
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: What are your thoughts on cloth diapers? 'cause if we got black ones with orange spots, our kid would look like Bam-Bam.
Quote from Elliot
Dr. No-Shot: Excuse me, nurse? Could you be a doll and give Bobby Franklin in there a shot of penicillin?
Carla: Why can't he do it himself?
Elliot: Because, Carla, he's Dr. No-Shot. He's like the only pediatrician kids like because he never give shots.
Carla: Hey, remember when you wanted to be the doctor who never said "terminal"?
Elliot: I'm sorry but your grandmother has an inoperable brain tumor.
Man: Is it terminal?
Elliot: I wouldn't say that.
Man: So she still has a chance.
Elliot: Yeah, it's okay. I mean, Dr. "Won't Say Terminal" is kind of a mouthful, anyway.
Quote from Carla
Carla: Hi, guys.
Turk & J.D.: [distracted] Hi.
Carla: Is Izzie in the room?
J.D.: [v.o.] Turk hadn't checked, so he had a 50/50 shot of answering correctly.
Turk: Sleeping like an angel.
Carla: Really? Because she's on my back!
J.D.: That's unfortunate.
Quote from Turk
J.D.: That's my baby pager. I'm having a baby!
Turk: Oh, my God! I'm gonna be a "bluncle"!
Both: A black uncle.
Carla: Oh, right.
Quote from Kim
Dr. Donna: Okay, Kim, you're still a few hours away, and I understand you'll be wanting an epidural?
Kim: Yes, but I hate pain so much I'm hoping there's a pill you can give me so that getting the epidural itself won't hurt.
Dr. Donna: [laughs]
Kim: Why does she think I'm joking? I hate her and her chat monkey face.
J.D.: Kim, your quite voice is a little louder than usual.
Quote from Kim
Dr. Donna: The delivery nurses usually get the anesthesiologist to deliver your pain medication, but we are little under stuff, so...
J.D.: I'll be in charge of the epidural. And as soon as you are ready, I'll have it make you so numb you're gonna feel like you're passing a marshmallow.
Kim: But that sounds sticky and uncomfortable.
J.D.: Passing a unicorn.
Kim: That's a big horse with a horn!
Dr. Kelso: Passing a rainbow.
Kim: That's better.
Quote from Jordan
Dr. Cox: Our daughter needs to go the hospital. Her rash is spreading and she could use a steroid shot.
Jordan: Why can't you just do it here?
Dr. Cox: Jennifer has uropathy, and over the next couple of years plenty of doctors are gonna be poking and prodding her. I would like her to see me as her father, not as just anther white coat that she will forever associate with pain.
Jordan: Totally legitimate argument.
Dr. Cox: Ah.
Jordan: If three-months-olds didn't have the memory of an earthworm.
Dr. Cox: Could you please just support us on this one?
Jordan: Fine. I'm right behind you.
[Jordan turns the light off and instantly falls asleep]
Dr. Cox: Wow, that's real talent.
Quote from Dr. Kelso
Dr. Kelso: I would Turkleton, but I only play Pac-Man and that car jack game. There's nothing like scoring a caddy and going down on street hos.
Turk: Sir, what you're doing here so late?
Dr. Kelso: I live here. Enid kicked me out of the house, six weeks ago. She wheeled in and caught me hitting on her speech therapist. C'est la vie. Now, if you don't mind, I've got a za coming. [to the Janitor] Dude!
Janitor: We're friends at night.