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‘My Ocardial Infarction’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Scrubs: My Ocardial Infarction

413. My Ocardial Infarction

Aired January 18, 2005

J.D. is reluctant to learn from Elliot when she overtakes him as a doctor. Turk gets a wake-up call about his diabetes. Meanwhile, the Janitor goes out on a limb with Elliot.

Quote from Janitor

[J.D. is in a dumpster with his scooter after accidentally riding through the hospital after he received a phone call while driving:]
J.D.: Whoever this is, you are not gonna believe what just happened to me.
Janitor: [on the phone] No, I believe it. It was cool.
J.D.: Janitor! Ambrosia.

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Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Elliot diagnosed Mrs. Kasuba, not me.
Dr. Cox: I know. And your guilty anguish is... It's delicious. It's like a little mini-meal between lunch and dinner. Quite frankly, it's all I can do not to grind pepper on your head.
J.D.: I don't get it. When did she become a better doctor than me?
Dr. Cox: Probably during one of those countless times you were goofing off?
J.D.: Hey, as soon as I step foot in this hospital, I'm all business.
[flashback to outside the hospital:]
J.D.: Good morning, Dr. Cox. From the world's most giant doctor.
[present:]
J.D.: Well, that was outside the hospital. Plus, Elliot was the legs. Sure, she's skinny, but she's thick through the trunk.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Baby. What's going on with you.
Turk: Ever since I got this thing I've been joking around about it, sneaking cookies, and hiding from it. All because I'm scared to ask myself the questions: Is it gonna get worse? Or are our kids gonna have it? Or how old am I gonna be when it finally gets me? You don't understand.
Carla: I don't understand? Turk, look at me. I'm a WOD.
Turk: I keep trying to tell you this, but it's the mirror in the bathroom, baby. You haven't gained a pound since I met you.
Carla: No, I'm a WOD. Wife Of Diabetic. That's what they call us in all the diabetic chat rooms. I spend a lot of time on the computer, talking about how proud I am of my husband and how he's handling this. How he's able to make jokes about it - and money. It's okay to be afraid, I am. But I have to tell you, I don't know what I would do if you suddenly became someone who let something own you.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] It's been a long road, but over the past two months, Elliot and I have totally rebuilt our friendship.
J.D.: Incoming.
Elliot: Good morning. [pulls desk]
J.D.: Co-chiefy, got you a little som'n-som'n.
Elliot: Thank you! [pushes desk] And I actually got you a little something.
J.D.: A magnifying glass?
Elliot: Yes. For these.
J.D.: You got the tiny Post-Its! Awesome! For our tiny bulletin board. And, I have a dentist appointment that got moved to Tuesday at 4 PM. "Don't floss before you come in, it makes your gums bloody."

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] Bottom line: together, Elliot and I are the greatest co-chief residents of all time.
Dr. Cox: You two are, without a doubt, the worst co-chief residents of all time. And in case you haven't noticed, we've got ourselves one hospital chock-full of monkey interns, and, news-flash, your job is to catch whatever they're flinging. Coffee talk, ladies, is now officially over. Get your asses to work. Now!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] We knew how to protect the interns from Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Kelso: Look, Brent, is it? Son, please tell me you come with a money back guarantee, because I'd like to get something useful like a can of Brent remover I mean, for God's sa-
J.D.: -sake, Brent. When are you gonna wake up and-
Elliot: Use that rock that you have been calling your skull?
J.D.: [to Kelso] We got this.
Elliot: I mean, even a blind squirrel occasionally finds a nut.
J.D.: He's gone. He's gone.
Elliot: Heh, look, Brent, you are doing fine.

Quote from J.D.

Nurse Roberts: Hey, this guy's coding.
J.D.: [v.o.] Don't get me wrong, I can handle a code. But every so often, every single thing that can conceivably go wrong with a patient goes wrong at once.
Nurse Roberts: He's in v-ac.
Nurse #1: We've lost an airway.
Nurse #2: He's blown a pupil.
J.D.: Okay, just gimme a second, all right.
J.D.: [v.o.] I call these "train wreck codes," and they're not my forte. Luckily, that's when Elliot is at her best.
Elliot: J.D., I've got your back. Laverne, bolus with amiodarone, get me the crash cart, grab me a central line kit, I'll bag him. Run the fluids wide open.
J.D.: [v.o.] I honestly didn't understand how she could do so many things at once.
[fantasy: Elliot has three pairs of arms:]
Elliot: Fourteen across, four letters: band that sang 'Roseanna'.
[reality:]
J.D.: Toto T.O.T.O. Toto. Okay, he's stable.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: [v.o.] Lately it seemed like Turk was being a little casual about his diabetes.
Turk: Okay, you all know the rules. I test my blood sugar, you bet high or low, and twenty-five percent goes to diabetes. Because if we all work hard, together, I can get a big-ass flat screen.
Carla: That's right, baby.
Nurse Roberts: I want high.
J.D.: Low and slow, that's his tempo.
Elliot: This game is sick. High.

Quote from Turk

Turk: 194.
Carla: That high, baby? You've been sneaking brownies, haven't you? Well, don't think that when you go blind I'm gonna go get you no seeing-eye dog.
Turk: I'm gonna name him Gizmo.
J.D.: That's what we were gonna name our robot.
Turk: Oh, well, when we get the robot, we'll just name him TuPac.
J.D.: TuPac, may I please have some waffles. [robotic voice] Would you like some sy-rup? Yeah, that'd be fine. It'll work.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Say, that was some real Nancy Drew stuff, there... Nancy. I mean, absolutely irrelevant as far as medicine goes but damn amusing.
J.D.: Don't feel weird because you're threatened by my gift. Many are.
Dr. Cox: Did you feel that you weren't quite annoying enough without adding a delusional sense of grandeur Because I promise you, you are annoying enough. In fact, you're the number one contender for the middle weight annoyance crown.
J.D.: Well, you're the number one jealous weight for the jealous weight... Jealous ch... champ.
J.D.: He's done it! He's done it! Dorian's the most annoying man in the world. Who would've ever though a journeyman annoyer like Dorian might...
J.D.: You are a close second.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: If you could just help me with these train wreck codes.
Dr. Cox: You're finally at that stage where you and your equally undistinguished colleagues have all had enough training to be able to help each other. So no matter how humiliating it may seem, if you know somebody who's better than you, and I'm bettin' that you do, you had best tuck that ridiculously feminine tail of yours between your legs and go ask her for help. I'm thinkin' that's just about it. Yep. I, uh... Gosh, I'm all out of speeches. I don't think I have, uh, another one on me. I... I don't. The- Oh. These are my goodbye guns. [imitates gun shots]
J.D.: Those aren't real guns.

Quote from Doug

Doug: You know, I don't really like you guys playing with my cadavers.
Elliot: Oh, really, Doug? So how come that one over there has a soda in his hand?
Doug: He keeps it cold.
J.D.: And how come when we walked in you were sitting in a circle with three corpses playing Texas hold 'em?
Doug: Just call first from now on.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Not even Dr. Cox could faze us, because we had every facet of this job down. We figured out a fair way to schedule all the interns' shifts.
J.D.: Okay, whoever gets Dr. Reid's scrub top back to her first doesn't have to work this weekend. Commence the scuffle.
Elliot: I hope it doesn't rain today.
J.D.: Me too.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Still, it's not like we didn't keep the interns on their toes.
J.D.: So, Lonnie, get in here and see the effects of cirrhosis of the liver. [hand pokes through]
Elliot: J.D., you knew I was gonna do that.
J.D.: But it was still very startling. [hugs Lonnie]

Quote from J.D.

Daisy: Here's your shirt, Dr. Reid.
Elliot: Wow, Daisy. Enjoy your weekend, you little scrapper.
J.D.: Oh, Daisy, I'm supposed to ask you. Can Lonnie have his lower lip back.
Daisy: It's my trophy.
J.D. and Elliot: Oh.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Elliot: You know that guy that crashed this morning is doing great.
Dr. Cox: Oh, Barbie, maybe you could take a break from congratulating yourself and figure out what's wrong with Mrs. Kasuba over there, seeing as you're her doctor and she's been in the I.C.U. for three days.
Elliot: We're, um, running lots of tests.
Dr. Cox: Tests. Oh, goody. And what exactly will you be looking for? And if it's the slowest doctor in the hospital, then ding, ding, ding, ding, I already found her. Figure it out.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] See, this is why it doesn't bother me that Elliot is so much better with the train wreck codes. Her biggest weakness is my biggest strength: diagnosis.
J.D.: Elliot, if you need help, just ask Dr. Diagnosis. You could be my side-kick Bangs McCoy.

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: Maybe Mrs. Kasuba has a perinephric abscess. No, her pain is central, not near the back.
J.D.: Come on, Bangs. You know what helps me when I'm diagnosing. Mentally picturing everything. Like those sugar packets there. How do you think they got there.
Elliot: Somebody probably knocked them over.
J.D.: I don't think so. You see, the packets are neatly stacked. Plus that coffee cup has the lipstick of a certain very hot Nurse Tisdale.
[flashback:]
Todd: If you're looking for sugar, there's some on the floor. Thong!
[present:]
J.D.: It's the classic Todd Thong Sugar Trap.

Quote from Turk

Carla: I have a couple of announcements. There's a serious problem around here with not getting to know our patients. Yes, the doctor told you to administer Halidol, but why is he prescribing it? Does the patient have a chance of sundowning or is he prone to psychotic breaks and needs to be tied down. You have to ask these questions, right Tammy.
Nurse Roberts: Child, we are swamped. Where you think we're gonna get that kind of time?
Carla: Laverne, if you care, you'll go the extra mile. Like my husband. Turk, you have three patients on the floor.
What can you tell us about them?
Turk: Well, I'm cutting out that guy's appendix, I'm sewing up her lacerated spleen, and I'm slicing off that dude's foot.
Carla: Great. And why are you doing those things.
Turk: Because it says so on the charts. What'd I do?

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: J.D., you up for some coffee?
J.D.: I can't. I've almost got Mrs. Kasuba's condition figured out.
Janitor: Hey, I'll, uh, join you for a cup of mud.
Elliot: Great. Meet me downstairs in five minutes.
Janitor: I'll be there. Just let me wash this, uh, glue off my hands.
J.D.: What was he gluing? [lifts hands and finds the keyboard is stuck to them] Not again.

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