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‘His Story IV’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Scrubs: His Story IV

607. His Story IV

Aired February 1, 2007

When Dr. Kelso checks in on his one patient of the day, he bonds with the young man, Private Brian Dancer (guest star Michael Weston), who suffered a head injury in Iraq. As the hospital is split by a heated debate on the merits of the war, Dr. Kelso needs to find a way to reunite the staff. [Narrated by Dr. Kelso]

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: Come on, no one wants to debate Iraq with me?
Janitor: I'll debate Iraq with you.
J.D.: Prepare to be dazzled.
Janitor: Okay, in my opinion we should be looking for Bin Laden in Pakistan.
J.D.: Do you have that globe nearby?

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Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: [v.o.] Since Elliot bought a house, I had to look for a place to live. Time to get out of my head and into an apartment.
J.D.: Hey, Dr. Kelso. [pats Dr. Kelso on the shoulder]
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] I actually don't mind that goofy bastard, if he were gay he would be perfect for my son. Harrison's been looking for a new power bottom.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: [on the phone] Hey, buddy. You found an apartment yet?
[J.D. is on a park bench reading "The Iraq War for Dummies"]
J.D.: No, man, I feel like an idiot so I've been reading up on this whole Iraq war situation. You know what's so messed up? I just got to the part where President Bush gave his "mission accomplished" speech on a battleship, and I still got, like, 400 more pages to go.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Kelso: All right, listen up people. I am here to roll up my sleeves and put an end to all this nonsense so that we can get back to work.
Dr. Cox: We are working. You see, even though we all currently despise each other, we're professionals. For example, I can lend Barbie a hand, despite the fact that she is a heartless red state-supporting , NRA-backing, illegal immigrant-hating, self-righteous, misinformed dope. Essentially, Karl Rove with smaller boobs.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: So, I see you're in the service.
Brian: Yes, sir. Private Brian Dancer.
Dr. Kelso: Private Dancer? Tough name. Must have had your share of beat downs. How'd you hurt your noggin?
Brian: An I.E.D. got our transport vehicle. I accidentally left a couple of chunks of my skull in Baghdad.
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Iraq! You know how controversial that topic is. Bob, quick, change the subject.
Dr. Kelso: So, Pluto's not a planet anymore, what's up with that?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: Actually babe, I'm just heading back home. It turned out my maternity lead doesn't end until next week.
Turk: Ooh, pickle, I'm sorry.
Dr. Kelso: What is all this fuss about nurse Turkleton returning? She's only been gone six days.
Dr. Cox: She's been gone 6 weeks, Bobo. But wait, before I make you look like a complete idiot, we'd all like to thank you for setting up the new employee discount at the coffee dump. Gang!
All: Cheers!
Ted: Pickle!
Dr. Kelso: Stop, if it had taken any effort I wouldn't have done it. And I mean that. I really do.
Dr. Cox: And back to insulting you. She's been gone six weeks, Bobo. The six days that you're referring to are the six days you actually worked this month.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: [v.o.] Dr. Cox was right. This year, Dr. Kelso had gotten a little lazy. There was the way he handled requests.
[A nurse places a paper in a "requests" letter box, which feeds into a shredder:]
Dr. Kelso: Thanks. I'll look into it.
J.D.: [v.o.] Or how he found a way to eliminate any face time with the patients.
[A patient looks up at the TV in his room:]
Dr. Kelso: [on TV] Welcome to Sacred Heart, Mr....
Ted: Hartly.
Dr. Kelso: I'm Chief of Medicine, Dr. Bob Kelso. I see you're here for a...
[Ted is standing under the TV with a case file]
Ted: Vasectomy.
Dr. Kelso: Enjoy your stay. Ted, you half-wit, don't forget the tape.
Ted: How does he always know?
J.D.: [v.o.] He didn't even bothered to learn the new interns' names.
Dr. Kelso: Listen up, faces. In order to save us all some time, I will call all the males "Daves" and all the females "Debbies".
Debbie: Debbie is actually my name.
Dr. Kelso: Then our reference is to the others, you will be Slugathor. Daves, Debbies, Slugathor I will be in my office. If you need anything, feel free to bother Dorian.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] I always wondered what he did in his office all day.
Dr. Kelso: Human Magic 8 Ball, tell me if I should play golf this weekend. [shakes Ted's head]
Ted: I'm a lawyer!
Dr. Kelso: I said, should I play golf? [shakes again]
Ted: Ask again later. Why would I say that? [Kelso shakes his head again]
[reality:]
J.D.: My daydreams are crazy.
Ted: Oh, dizzy. [crashes into a supply cart]

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] All my little worker bees, buzzing buzz... buzz... buzz... I love making that sound. Buzz. Dr. Reid. Ever since she quit the hospital for private practice, you've pretended she's invisible. So don't break, stride. Ker-blamo!
Elliot: Hey!
Dr. Kelso: Skiddle-a-dee, skiddle-a-doo!
Nurse Roberts: Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Well, if it isn't, Nurse Buzzkill.
Dr. Kelso: Good morning, nurse Roberts.
Nurse Roberts: Carla's gone another week. We need a substitute Head Nurse.
Dr. Kelso: Laverne, from now on if you need something just take care of it yourself. In fact, all of you should hear this. I believe that it was Robin Zander of "Cheap Trick", who said "I want you to want me". Well, if I sang that song it would go "I don't want you to want me".
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Skiddle-a-dee, skiddle-a-doo!

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Time to visit my one random patient of the day, and then it's off to the office and hello, nappy-nap. Brian Dancer has hydrocephalus. Okay, turn on the down-home crapola.
Dr. Kelso: Hey there, young fella. How the heck are you? Bob Kelso here. I understand that since your head wound, you have had some short term memory loss.
Brian: Head wound? [off Kelso's look] No, I'm just kidding, Doctor... Ah, see, now I'm embarrassed because that one's real.
Dr. Kelso: That doesn't matter, son.
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Bob Kelso, write it down, dammit!

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