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39Quotes from ‘His Story IV’

Scrubs: His Story IV

607. His Story IV

Aired February 1, 2007

When Dr. Kelso checks in on his one patient of the day, he bonds with the young man, Private Brian Dancer (guest star Michael Weston), who suffered a head injury in Iraq. As the hospital is split by a heated debate on the merits of the war, Dr. Kelso needs to find a way to reunite the staff. [Narrated by Dr. Kelso]

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: Come on, no one wants to debate Iraq with me?
Janitor: I'll debate Iraq with you.
J.D.: Prepare to be dazzled.
Janitor: Okay, in my opinion we should be looking for Bin Laden in Pakistan.
J.D.: Do you have that globe nearby?

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Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: [v.o.] Since Elliot bought a house, I had to look for a place to live. Time to get out of my head and into an apartment.
J.D.: Hey, Dr. Kelso. [pats Dr. Kelso on the shoulder]
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] I actually don't mind that goofy bastard, if he were gay he would be perfect for my son. Harrison's been looking for a new power bottom.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: [on the phone] Hey, buddy. You found an apartment yet?
[J.D. is on a park bench reading "The Iraq War for Dummies"]
J.D.: No, man, I feel like an idiot so I've been reading up on this whole Iraq war situation. You know what's so messed up? I just got to the part where President Bush gave his "mission accomplished" speech on a battleship, and I still got, like, 400 more pages to go.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Kelso: All right, listen up people. I am here to roll up my sleeves and put an end to all this nonsense so that we can get back to work.
Dr. Cox: We are working. You see, even though we all currently despise each other, we're professionals. For example, I can lend Barbie a hand, despite the fact that she is a heartless red state-supporting , NRA-backing, illegal immigrant-hating, self-righteous, misinformed dope. Essentially, Karl Rove with smaller boobs.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: So, I see you're in the service.
Brian: Yes, sir. Private Brian Dancer.
Dr. Kelso: Private Dancer? Tough name. Must have had your share of beat downs. How'd you hurt your noggin?
Brian: An I.E.D. got our transport vehicle. I accidentally left a couple of chunks of my skull in Baghdad.
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Iraq! You know how controversial that topic is. Bob, quick, change the subject.
Dr. Kelso: So, Pluto's not a planet anymore, what's up with that?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: Actually babe, I'm just heading back home. It turned out my maternity lead doesn't end until next week.
Turk: Ooh, pickle, I'm sorry.
Dr. Kelso: What is all this fuss about nurse Turkleton returning? She's only been gone six days.
Dr. Cox: She's been gone 6 weeks, Bobo. But wait, before I make you look like a complete idiot, we'd all like to thank you for setting up the new employee discount at the coffee dump. Gang!
All: Cheers!
Ted: Pickle!
Dr. Kelso: Stop, if it had taken any effort I wouldn't have done it. And I mean that. I really do.
Dr. Cox: And back to insulting you. She's been gone six weeks, Bobo. The six days that you're referring to are the six days you actually worked this month.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: [v.o.] Dr. Cox was right. This year, Dr. Kelso had gotten a little lazy. There was the way he handled requests.
[A nurse places a paper in a "requests" letter box, which feeds into a shredder:]
Dr. Kelso: Thanks. I'll look into it.
J.D.: [v.o.] Or how he found a way to eliminate any face time with the patients.
[A patient looks up at the TV in his room:]
Dr. Kelso: [on TV] Welcome to Sacred Heart, Mr....
Ted: Hartly.
Dr. Kelso: I'm Chief of Medicine, Dr. Bob Kelso. I see you're here for a...
[Ted is standing under the TV with a case file]
Ted: Vasectomy.
Dr. Kelso: Enjoy your stay. Ted, you half-wit, don't forget the tape.
Ted: How does he always know?
J.D.: [v.o.] He didn't even bothered to learn the new interns' names.
Dr. Kelso: Listen up, faces. In order to save us all some time, I will call all the males "Daves" and all the females "Debbies".
Debbie: Debbie is actually my name.
Dr. Kelso: Then our reference is to the others, you will be Slugathor. Daves, Debbies, Slugathor I will be in my office. If you need anything, feel free to bother Dorian.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] I always wondered what he did in his office all day.
Dr. Kelso: Human Magic 8 Ball, tell me if I should play golf this weekend. [shakes Ted's head]
Ted: I'm a lawyer!
Dr. Kelso: I said, should I play golf? [shakes again]
Ted: Ask again later. Why would I say that? [Kelso shakes his head again]
[reality:]
J.D.: My daydreams are crazy.
Ted: Oh, dizzy. [crashes into a supply cart]

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] All my little worker bees, buzzing buzz... buzz... buzz... I love making that sound. Buzz. Dr. Reid. Ever since she quit the hospital for private practice, you've pretended she's invisible. So don't break, stride. Ker-blamo!
Elliot: Hey!
Dr. Kelso: Skiddle-a-dee, skiddle-a-doo!
Nurse Roberts: Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Well, if it isn't, Nurse Buzzkill.
Dr. Kelso: Good morning, nurse Roberts.
Nurse Roberts: Carla's gone another week. We need a substitute Head Nurse.
Dr. Kelso: Laverne, from now on if you need something just take care of it yourself. In fact, all of you should hear this. I believe that it was Robin Zander of "Cheap Trick", who said "I want you to want me". Well, if I sang that song it would go "I don't want you to want me".
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Skiddle-a-dee, skiddle-a-doo!

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Time to visit my one random patient of the day, and then it's off to the office and hello, nappy-nap. Brian Dancer has hydrocephalus. Okay, turn on the down-home crapola.
Dr. Kelso: Hey there, young fella. How the heck are you? Bob Kelso here. I understand that since your head wound, you have had some short term memory loss.
Brian: Head wound? [off Kelso's look] No, I'm just kidding, Doctor... Ah, see, now I'm embarrassed because that one's real.
Dr. Kelso: That doesn't matter, son.
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Bob Kelso, write it down, dammit!

Quote from Janitor

Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Well played, Bobby. Lord knows you've seen this hot bottom topics before.
[flashback to the changing room:]
Elliot: Oh, please, Laverne. Global warming? Here's an inconvenient truth for you. Nobody cares. [uses hair spray]
[flashback to the cafeteria:]
Carla: So you think it's okay to just kill animals for sport?
Janitor: If it serves or use for purpose, yes I do.
[The Janitor pulls out a stuffed rabbit:]
Janitor: Salt? [shakes its ear] Cracked black pepper? [twists its head] Thank you, Bingo.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Kelso: Well, I'll check on you later, son.
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Yep, Iraq is just the type of divisive subject, that would spread around this damn hospital like wildfire.
Dr. Cox: Poor kid. His head's blown off, all for nothing.
Nurse Roberts: All for nothing? My nephew Lance is over there fighting to give those people democracy.
Dr. Cox: Ooh, so that's why we're over there. Here, I thought it was to root out terrorism, or was it for the oil? Or for Mama Hussein's secret Falafel recipe? It got so gosh darn hard to keep track.

Quote from Todd

Todd: Dude, I hear they have laws that make women completely cover their bodies when they're out in public. The war in I-raq? Try the war to see-rack.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Elliot, the only good that's come from our occupation of Iraq is exposing the neo-conservative conspiracy to perpetuate American cultural and economic imperialism!
Elliot: What do you think, J.D.?
J.D.: Can you excuse me a second?! [to Turk] Did you break our pact and start reading the newspapers?
Turk: Carla is making me. Normally I wouldn't go near the things, except for the funnies.
J.D.: Oh, of course the funnies. The funnies don't count. By the way, did you read Marmaduke today? Can you believe he gave the pizza delivery dude a bone as a tip?
Turk: No, but that's what's great about Marmaduke. He's always sticking on his feet.
J.D.: I think you mean "paws".

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Typical Dorian. Running away from an argument you know nothing about.
J.D.: I know all about the war.
Janitor: Really? Point to Iraq.
J.D.: Why do you keep a globe on your janitor cart?
Janitor: In case I get lost. I'll give you a hint. It's not the country shaped like a boot.
J.D.: That's Iraq.
Janitor: That's China.
J.D.: You're China.
Janitor: That's an outrageous accusation. [eats sandwich] Need salt. Where's my bunny? Bingo?

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Brian: So, this is a picture of my unit after we secured the bridge outside of... of Fallujah. And, oh, here's my unit when we're playing poker. And... Whoa, um, this is a picture of my unit. I was gonna send it to my girlfriend, but, uh, she broke up with me.
Dr. Kelso: Well, send it to her anyway. She should know what she's missing.
Brian: Sir?
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] I like this kid. He gets me.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: You know, i was in the Navy. It's important to remember the good men that you serve with. That's why I carry around a a little reminder of my buddy, Johnny. Would you like to see it?
Brian: Sure.
Dr. Kelso: Fantastic! [closes curtains]
[later, as Kelso opens the curtain and zips up his pants:]
Dr. Kelso: And Johnny's got a tattoo on the same cheek that says "Bobby".
Brian: He probably doesn't regret that at all.
Dr. Kelso: No, you just can't find that kind of bond in civilian life. Although I've often wondered what my life would be like if I'd stayed in the service.
[fantasy: Dr. Kelso walks into a Vietnamese sweatshop, wearing his Navy uniform as a Vietnamese-language version of "Up Where We Belong" plays. Dr. Kelso picks up a Vietnamese woman and carries her out to applause from her co-workers:]
Co-worker: [Vietnamese: "Way to go Ling Ling. Way to go."]
[reality:]
Dr. Kelso: I would have asked to be stationed in South East Asia... for the food.

Quote from Elliot

Nurse Roberts: You can crack wise all you want, but our boys over there are doing the Lord's work.
Dr. Cox: And when you say Lord you mean Halliburton, right?
Elliot: Okay, who here thinks democracy is worth fighting for? [murmurs of agreement from the right-side of the cafeteria]
Turk: Who here thinks we were manipulated by false claims of WMDs ? [murmurs of agreement from the left-side of the cafeteria]
Elliot: Neat. Everyone's already sitting on the appropriate side.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Oh, you liberals are right and every American agrees with you, that's why John Kerry and Al Gore both won in landslides.
Turk: Oh, my God. Elliot, you're one of them, aren't you?
Elliot: You know what? I don't need to be ashamed of this, anymore. Yes, I'm a Republican.
Nurse: Me too!
Dr. Mickhead: Me too.
Keith: Elliot! Me too.
[later, Elliot and Keith kiss in a supply closet:]
Keith: President Reagan should be one the one dollar bill.
Elliot: Oh, God. That's hot. What do you think about Hillary?
Keith: I hate that bitch.
Elliot: Oh!

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Hot dog, 2.15, time to vamoose. Heck of a time talking to young Private Dancer, though. "You've seen your share of Private Dancer, haven't you, kid?" Hmm. "Sure have, Bob. Sure have."
Dr. Kelso: What is it, Slugathor?
Debbie: Um, Dr. Kelso, I have a patient who has a mild fever, but I don't know who to talk to, because everyone's arguing.
Dr. Kelso: Sluggy, if you want to get people's attention you've got to be more aggressive or more attractive. Pick one.
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] I should keep an eye on that. See, a hospital is a complex machine. And when a divisive issue rears its head, balls can be dropped. And the ones who end up suffering the most are the one that we are here to protect.
[the next morning:]
Dr. Kelso: Good morning, Private Dancer. Son?! [checks chart] Get Respiratory for a blood gas and set up for a lumbar puncture!

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Nurse Roberts: He's stable.
Dr. Kelso: Whose fault is this?
[Dr. Cox, Elliot and Turk bicker]
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] They need a leader Bob, give them one.
Dr. Kelso: That's enough! [arguing continues] I said that's enough!
Dr. Cox: Just a second on the yelling there, Bob. Do you think you can actually be an absentee chief of medicine and still matter? Let me see if I can make this real clear for you. If this hospital were a human body, you'd be the appendix. Because at one time you served some function, but it was so long ago, nobody is quite sure what that was anymore. Excuse us, we're gonna talk it out over here.
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Well, you got what you asked for, Bob. They don't need you.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Hey, son. How you doing?
Brian: Well, even though no one ever comes every time I hit this nurse's button, I feel a little better.
Dr. Kelso: That's morphine.
Brian: That explains it.
Dr. Kelso: Hey, uh, thanks for checkin' in on me. You're a lot like my Sergeant. Sergeant Borden. He was hands-on, too. Always trying to be in the game.
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] That's how you get people around you to listen to you, Bob. Be like this kid's Sergeant, and get back in the game. Right after you follow that cupcake. If she puts it down for even a second, it's yours! No! Now, dammit!

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: And I can help out Dr. Cox, even though I'd rather punch him in his piss-on-the-government-until-Jabarah's-crop-dusting-my-condo-with-anthrax, NPR-listening, Al Franken face.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: You know, if you're really serious about helping out, I could use a hand with my to-do list. I need to... clean the toilets. I'm just tired of staring at that. [ticks Palm Pilot] Good-bye. I need to TiVo the Crossing Over with John Edwards. I need to turn a cat into a spice rack. And I need to return this thing to the patient in 307. All doable, don't need you. Thanks!

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: So, nobody needs any help.
Nurse Roberts: When is your wife coming back to work? I'm drowning here without the Head Nurse.
[later, Dr. Kelso is wearing a purple nurse's uniform]
Dr. Kelso: Okay, ladies, I've posted your room assignments on the board and I will pass out the new weekly schedules before your shifts are over. Being a nurse isn't so bad.
Nurse Roberts: What did you think it would be like?
[fantasy: Dr. Cox and Nurse Roberts work on a coding patient on the I.C.U.:]
Dr. Cox: We're losing him.
Nurse Roberts: BP's falling.
Dr. Cox: Nurse Kelso, I need one milligram of epi, stat! Now, nurse. Now!
[As a Vietnamese-language version of "Up Where We Belong" plays, Nurse Kelso turns around to see a Vietnamese woman in a Naval uniform. She carries him out of the I.C.U. as his colleagues clap.:]
Dr. Cox: Way to go, Bob! Way to go! That a boy!
[reality:]
Dr. Kelso: I'm sorry what was the question?

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Private, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
Brian: That you were never in the navy, and Johnny is your husband?
Dr. Kelso: If only. I love you, Johnny. Your fighting in that war has provoked some pretty heated argument amongst the staff. See, the thing is they think they can just put their squabbles in a box that won't affect their work. But they're wrong. I mean, judging from the coffee stains on Dr. Cox's scrubs and the quote on this coffee cup attributed to Dr. Reid.
Brian: "My bajingo's on fire. May, 2004." What's a bajingo?
Dr. Kelso: Eventually, a page is going to go unreturned or a test isn't gonna get run as quickly as it should have been, and some nice kid like yourself is gonna pay the price. And what bothers me about it, is that I know this is going on, but there's nothing I can do to change it.
Brian: Why not?
Dr. Kelso: Let's just say that around here I'm not as loved as your sergeant was.
Brian: We hated Sgt. Borden.
Dr. Kelso: Come again?
Brian: Yeah, he demeaned us, overworked us. Still, maybe sometimes that's what being a good leader is, uniting everybody by giving them someone to hate.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: No, you just can't find that kind of bond in civilian life. Although I've often wondered what my life would be like if I'd stayed in the service.
[fantasy: Dr. Kelso walks into a Vietnamese sweatshop, wearing his Navy uniform as a Vietnamese-language version of "Up Where We Belong" plays. Dr. Kelso picks up a Vietnamese woman and carries her out to applause from her co-workers:]
Co-worker: [Vietnamese: "Way to go Ling Ling. Way to go."]
[reality:]
Dr. Kelso: I would have asked to be stationed in South East Asia... for the food.


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