J.D.: Come on, no one wants to debate Iraq with me?
Janitor: I'll debate Iraq with you.
J.D.: Prepare to be dazzled.
Janitor: Okay, in my opinion we should be looking for Bin Laden in Pakistan.
J.D.: Do you have that globe nearby?

J.D.: [v.o.] Since Elliot bought a house, I had to look for a place to live. Time to get out of my head and into an apartment.
J.D.: Hey, Dr. Kelso. [pats Dr. Kelso on the shoulder]
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] I actually don't mind that goofy bastard, if he were gay he would be perfect for my son. Harrison's been looking for a new power bottom.

Turk: [on the phone] Hey, buddy. You found an apartment yet?
[J.D. is on a park bench reading "The Iraq War for Dummies"]
J.D.: No, man, I feel like an idiot so I've been reading up on this whole Iraq war situation. You know what's so messed up? I just got to the part where President Bush gave his "mission accomplished" speech on a battleship, and I still got, like, 400 more pages to go.

Dr. Kelso: All right, listen up people. I am here to roll up my sleeves and put an end to all this nonsense so that we can get back to work.
Dr. Cox: We are working. You see, even though we all currently despise each other, we're professionals. For example, I can lend Barbie a hand, despite the fact that she is a heartless red state-supporting , NRA-backing, illegal immigrant-hating, self-righteous, misinformed dope. Essentially, Karl Rove with smaller boobs.

Dr. Kelso: So, I see you're in the service.
Brian: Yes, sir. Private Brian Dancer.
Dr. Kelso: Private Dancer? Tough name. Must have had your share of beat downs. How'd you hurt your noggin?
Brian: An I.E.D. got our transport vehicle. I accidentally left a couple of chunks of my skull in Baghdad.
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Iraq! You know how controversial that topic is. Bob, quick, change the subject.
Dr. Kelso: So, Pluto's not a planet anymore, what's up with that?

Carla: Actually babe, I'm just heading back home. It turned out my maternity lead doesn't end until next week.
Turk: Ooh, pickle, I'm sorry.
Dr. Kelso: What is all this fuss about nurse Turkleton returning? She's only been gone six days.
Dr. Cox: She's been gone 6 weeks, Bobo. But wait, before I make you look like a complete idiot, we'd all like to thank you for setting up the new employee discount at the coffee dump. Gang!
All: Cheers!
Ted: Pickle!
Dr. Kelso: Stop, if it had taken any effort I wouldn't have done it. And I mean that. I really do.
Dr. Cox: And back to insulting you. She's been gone six weeks, Bobo. The six days that you're referring to are the six days you actually worked this month.

J.D.: [v.o.] Dr. Cox was right. This year, Dr. Kelso had gotten a little lazy. There was the way he handled requests.
[A nurse places a paper in a "requests" letter box, which feeds into a shredder:]
Dr. Kelso: Thanks. I'll look into it.
J.D.: [v.o.] Or how he found a way to eliminate any face time with the patients.
[A patient looks up at the TV in his room:]
Dr. Kelso: [on TV] Welcome to Sacred Heart, Mr....
Ted: Hartly.
Dr. Kelso: I'm Chief of Medicine, Dr. Bob Kelso. I see you're here for a...
[Ted is standing under the TV with a case file]
Ted: Vasectomy.
Dr. Kelso: Enjoy your stay. Ted, you half-wit, don't forget the tape.
Ted: How does he always know?
J.D.: [v.o.] He didn't even bothered to learn the new interns' names.
Dr. Kelso: Listen up, faces. In order to save us all some time, I will call all the males "Daves" and all the females "Debbies".
Debbie: Debbie is actually my name.
Dr. Kelso: Then our reference is to the others, you will be Slugathor. Daves, Debbies, Slugathor I will be in my office. If you need anything, feel free to bother Dorian.

J.D.: [v.o.] I always wondered what he did in his office all day.
Dr. Kelso: Human Magic 8 Ball, tell me if I should play golf this weekend. [shakes Ted's head]
Ted: I'm a lawyer!
Dr. Kelso: I said, should I play golf? [shakes again]
Ted: Ask again later. Why would I say that? [Kelso shakes his head again]
[reality:]
J.D.: My daydreams are crazy.
Ted: Oh, dizzy. [crashes into a supply cart]

Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] All my little worker bees, buzzing buzz... buzz... buzz... I love making that sound. Buzz. Dr. Reid. Ever since she quit the hospital for private practice, you've pretended she's invisible. So don't break, stride. Ker-blamo!
Elliot: Hey!
Dr. Kelso: Skiddle-a-dee, skiddle-a-doo!
Nurse Roberts: Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Well, if it isn't, Nurse Buzzkill.
Dr. Kelso: Good morning, nurse Roberts.
Nurse Roberts: Carla's gone another week. We need a substitute Head Nurse.
Dr. Kelso: Laverne, from now on if you need something just take care of it yourself. In fact, all of you should hear this. I believe that it was Robin Zander of "Cheap Trick", who said "I want you to want me". Well, if I sang that song it would go "I don't want you to want me".
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Skiddle-a-dee, skiddle-a-doo!

Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Time to visit my one random patient of the day, and then it's off to the office and hello, nappy-nap. Brian Dancer has hydrocephalus. Okay, turn on the down-home crapola.
Dr. Kelso: Hey there, young fella. How the heck are you? Bob Kelso here. I understand that since your head wound, you have had some short term memory loss.
Brian: Head wound? [off Kelso's look] No, I'm just kidding, Doctor... Ah, see, now I'm embarrassed because that one's real.
Dr. Kelso: That doesn't matter, son.
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Bob Kelso, write it down, dammit!