Elderly Woman: What a sweet little angel. Can I just give him a little squeeze?
Jordan: Of course.
Dr. Cox: Back off there, lady. How's about you save up all that energy for the cruise? Go on, get out of here. [whistles] Hippity-hop to the barber shop. Come on, mom. Jordan, this hospital is literally crawling with germs and disease, and in all fairness, you don't know if that lady is a sickie or if she was here visiting a sickie and she ran her sickie hands all over her sickie face.

Jordan: I normally never let people touch him.
Janitor: Oh, really? Because these photographs would beg to differ. Old lady kissing Jack, teenage girl hugging Jack, homeless man holding Jack.
Dr. Cox: Jordan!
Jordan: It's just Carl. He holds Jack when I get a bikini wax.
Jordan: What's the matter with me? I mean, I don't think twice about people holding him, and yet I obsess about things like broken arms, broken legs, choking, kidnapping, drowning, silly putty, bad babysitters, pretty babysitters.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, I pretty much freak out over staph infections, blood disease, mumps, measles, sex, drugs, rock 'n roll, and definitely all registered Independents, so I think between us we've got it covered.

Girl: Giant man, why are you making that noise?
Janitor: Oh. Well, because my camera doesn't make a real sound, and it's more fun that way. See? You go... [imitates camera click] Look happy. [imitates camera click] Look sad. [imitates camera click] Look crazy. [imitates camera click] Look like you're going away.

Elliot: Poor Mr. Gerst. I wonder what that's like to have an erection for 9 hours.
Todd: Ask me in 20 minutes.
Elliot: Oh, get this. He doesn't even have erectile dysfunction. I mean, why would you take those drugs if you didn't need them?
Dr. Cox: What's this? Why, it's a dummygram, and it's addressed to you, Barbie. Let's read it and find out what's in there. You are disturbingly naive. Stop. Almost 50% of E.D. drugs are taken by recreational users. Stop.
Elliot: That can't be true.
Dr. Cox: [whistles] Everyone, would you go ahead and close your eyes for a second? Great. Now, would all the men in the room who have tried Mr. Happy Pills go ahead and grab your fork and bang your glass. Thank you!
Elliot: Ted, everyone's stopped.
Ted: Oh, damn it.

Carla: Okay, J.D., why are we sitting up here?
J.D.: Because you can see Elliot's whole apartment from up here.
Carla: J.D., you're drunk.
J.D.: Carla, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

Elliot: Mr. Gerst, what seems to be the problem?
Mr. Gerst: I took some pills.
Elliot: Come on, help me out here. Were they happy pills, sad pills, sleepy pills, wake-up pills, sane pills, pain pills, brain pills, Spain pills...
Mr. Gerst: Man pills. The commercial says I should consult a physician if the condition persists for more than 4 hours.
Elliot: If what persists? [Mr. Gerst stands up with a hat covering his crotch] Oh, um let's just say you took uppers.

J.D.: Aren't you gonna be late to meet Carla?
Turk: I've got time.
J.D.: [v.o.] Turk and Carla were having relationship troubles, so she'd been staying at Elliot's for a few days.
J.D.: You were late the last time.
Turk: Yeah, but I set the clock ahead an hour last night so I wouldn't be late.
J.D.: Yeah, but last week I set it back 3 hours so we could see what it felt like to live in Honolulu.
Turk: Yeah, but then I set the clock ahead 5 hours so I wouldn't feel like a skeeve for watching porn in the middle of the day.
J.D.: But then I set it back 43 minutes to 8:08, turned the clock upside down to see if it looked like the word "BOB," which, incidentally, it totally does...
Turk: That's true.
J.D.: Which means that it's actually...
Both: 9:52!

Dr. Cox: Hey, what are you doing Frankenstein?
Janitor: Photo journal for my photography class.
Dr. Cox: Terrific. Could I see your camera? Hmm. Very interesting. Oh, there's film in it.
Janitor: Hey, all my pictures were in there. Dead patient with fancy shirt, dead patient without fancy shirt, me in fancy shirt being yelled at by angry family.

Doctor: That guy needs to do some serious thinking about baseball.
Todd: He wouldn't even let me see it.
Elliot: Hey, meathead. Oh, good, you both looked. Now, Mr. Gerst came here for help, and we're doctors, so how about we try and treat him with at least a little bit of dignity and respect, okay?
Dr. Kelso: [laughing] That man is a human sundial.

J.D.: This never leaves the room!
Elliot: Why did you close my window?
[fantasy, a smartly-dressed messenger monkey holds a piece of paper:]
Elliot: Oh, no! She wrote "J.D. And Carla kissed" on the paper and she's gonna tell Turk!
Carla: No, no, stop her!
J.D.: Don't worry, ladies, I've closed the window.
[reality:]
Elliot: J.D., I don't have a messenger monkey.