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33Quotes from ‘My Lips Are Sealed’

Scrubs: My Lips Are Sealed

421. My Lips Are Sealed

Aired April 5, 2005

As J.D. tries to convince Carla to get back together with Turk, they inadvertently share a drunken kiss. Meanwhile, Elliot is ashamed after laughing at a patient, and the Janitor uses his new interest in photography to bust Dr. Cox for his rough-and-tumble attitude to Jack's safety on the playground.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Elderly Woman: What a sweet little angel. Can I just give him a little squeeze?
Jordan: Of course.
Dr. Cox: Back off there, lady. How's about you save up all that energy for the cruise? Go on, get out of here. [whistles] Hippity-hop to the barber shop. Come on, mom. Jordan, this hospital is literally crawling with germs and disease, and in all fairness, you don't know if that lady is a sickie or if she was here visiting a sickie and she ran her sickie hands all over her sickie face.

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Quote from Dr. Cox

Jordan: I normally never let people touch him.
Janitor: Oh, really? Because these photographs would beg to differ. Old lady kissing Jack, teenage girl hugging Jack, homeless man holding Jack.
Dr. Cox: Jordan!
Jordan: It's just Carl. He holds Jack when I get a bikini wax.
Jordan: What's the matter with me? I mean, I don't think twice about people holding him, and yet I obsess about things like broken arms, broken legs, choking, kidnapping, drowning, silly putty, bad babysitters, pretty babysitters.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, I pretty much freak out over staph infections, blood disease, mumps, measles, sex, drugs, rock 'n roll, and definitely all registered Independents, so I think between us we've got it covered.

Quote from Janitor

Girl: Giant man, why are you making that noise?
Janitor: Oh. Well, because my camera doesn't make a real sound, and it's more fun that way. See? You go... [imitates camera click] Look happy. [imitates camera click] Look sad. [imitates camera click] Look crazy. [imitates camera click] Look like you're going away.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Elliot: Poor Mr. Gerst. I wonder what that's like to have an erection for 9 hours.
Todd: Ask me in 20 minutes.
Elliot: Oh, get this. He doesn't even have erectile dysfunction. I mean, why would you take those drugs if you didn't need them?
Dr. Cox: What's this? Why, it's a dummygram, and it's addressed to you, Barbie. Let's read it and find out what's in there. You are disturbingly naive. Stop. Almost 50% of E.D. drugs are taken by recreational users. Stop.
Elliot: That can't be true.
Dr. Cox: [whistles] Everyone, would you go ahead and close your eyes for a second? Great. Now, would all the men in the room who have tried Mr. Happy Pills go ahead and grab your fork and bang your glass. Thank you!
Elliot: Ted, everyone's stopped.
Ted: Oh, damn it.

Quote from J.D.

Carla: Okay, J.D., why are we sitting up here?
J.D.: Because you can see Elliot's whole apartment from up here.
Carla: J.D., you're drunk.
J.D.: Carla, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Mr. Gerst, what seems to be the problem?
Mr. Gerst: I took some pills.
Elliot: Come on, help me out here. Were they happy pills, sad pills, sleepy pills, wake-up pills, sane pills, pain pills, brain pills, Spain pills...
Mr. Gerst: Man pills. The commercial says I should consult a physician if the condition persists for more than 4 hours.
Elliot: If what persists? [Mr. Gerst stands up with a hat covering his crotch] Oh, um let's just say you took uppers.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Aren't you gonna be late to meet Carla?
Turk: I've got time.
J.D.: [v.o.] Turk and Carla were having relationship troubles, so she'd been staying at Elliot's for a few days.
J.D.: You were late the last time.
Turk: Yeah, but I set the clock ahead an hour last night so I wouldn't be late.
J.D.: Yeah, but last week I set it back 3 hours so we could see what it felt like to live in Honolulu.
Turk: Yeah, but then I set the clock ahead 5 hours so I wouldn't feel like a skeeve for watching porn in the middle of the day.
J.D.: But then I set it back 43 minutes to 8:08, turned the clock upside down to see if it looked like the word "BOB," which, incidentally, it totally does...
Turk: That's true.
J.D.: Which means that it's actually...
Both: 9:52!

Quote from Janitor

Dr. Cox: Hey, what are you doing Frankenstein?
Janitor: Photo journal for my photography class.
Dr. Cox: Terrific. Could I see your camera? Hmm. Very interesting. Oh, there's film in it.
Janitor: Hey, all my pictures were in there. Dead patient with fancy shirt, dead patient without fancy shirt, me in fancy shirt being yelled at by angry family.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Doctor: That guy needs to do some serious thinking about baseball.
Todd: He wouldn't even let me see it.
Elliot: Hey, meathead. Oh, good, you both looked. Now, Mr. Gerst came here for help, and we're doctors, so how about we try and treat him with at least a little bit of dignity and respect, okay?
Dr. Kelso: [laughing] That man is a human sundial.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: This never leaves the room!
Elliot: Why did you close my window?
[fantasy, a smartly-dressed messenger monkey holds a piece of paper:]
Elliot: Oh, no! She wrote "J.D. And Carla kissed" on the paper and she's gonna tell Turk!
Carla: No, no, stop her!
J.D.: Don't worry, ladies, I've closed the window.
[reality:]
Elliot: J.D., I don't have a messenger monkey.

Quote from Ted

J.D.: [v.o.] I had to hide from Turk, so I went to the one place in the hospital where I knew no one would ever venture.
J.D.: Ted? Ted?
Ted: [o.s.] A little help!
J.D.: Ted, what are you doing?
Ted: I like to do stomach crunches after lunch.
J.D.: Ted, lunch was 4 hours ago.
Ted: Yep, I wasted most of my Tuesday.
J.D.: It's Wednesday.
Ted: Oh, man, I missed the Gilmore Girls.

Quote from Elliot

Mr. Gerst: [on the phone] Dude, that did not happen. No, I'm in the hospital because I- They think I have avian flu. [Elliot clears her throat] I gotta call you back. [to Elliot] How long have you been there?
Elliot: Oh, 47, 48 minutes. I'm not sure, I nodded off for a while. Mr. Gerst I'm so sorry for laughing at you. But I have to tell you a story, when I was in the seventh grade, I was at a roller rink and I needed to go to the bathroom. So I just skated right on into a stall and I did my, uh, private business, and then when I went to pull up my pants, I started rolling towards the door, which as it turned out, wasn't latched. Now, I don't know if you've had any experience roller skating with your underpants around your ankles. It's very difficult to stop. Unless, of course, you know, you scream so loud that they turn off the music and everyone is looking at you. Anyway, that's how I wound up with the nickname "Roller Moler."
Mr. Gerst: I'm sorry?
Elliot: I have a mole on my ass. Oh, the cute kind, not the hairy kind. Anyway, the next day I showed up at school with roller skates on, and everybody cracked up.
Mr. Gerst: Why are you telling this?
Elliot: Because I owned up to it. This is funny, Mr. Gerst, and if you don't just embrace it and become part of the joke, then it will follow you around and devour you. Can I get a look at tha mole?
Elliot: No. Ahem. No.


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