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38Quotes from ‘My Malpractice Decision’

Scrubs: My Malpractice Decision

409. My Malpractice Decision

Aired November 9, 2004

J.D. and Dr. Cox are put in an awkward position when they treat the father of a ruthless malpractice attorney, Neena Broderick (guest star Julianna Margulies). Elliot isn't sure what to say when Doug asks if she thinks he should be a doctor. Meanwhile, Turk lands himself in the Janitor's bad books after a hospital prank, while Mr. Corman (Richard Kind) takes issue with Turk's treatment of him.

Quote from Doug

Elliot: Doug, I'm sorry, but I don't think you're cut out for being a doctor.
Pathologist: I cannot figure out how this guy died.
Doug: I'm betting he took a paracentesis needle to the aorta.
Pathologist: Have you seen this before?
Doug: Seen it? Upstairs they call that a "Doug"!
Elliot: You got any others you can't figure out?
[montage:]
Doug: Doctor prescribed overdosage of Fentanyl.
Doug: Dissected left main during a cardiac catheterization.
Doug: We look under Mr. Pancreas and there it is. [pulls out a bloody glove]
Pathologist: He's the best I've ever seen. Mind if we steal him from you?
Elliot: I can live with it.
Doug: Well, my work here is done. [removes gloves and throws them in the corpse's cavity]
Elliot: I'll get those.

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Quote from Ted

Dr. Kelso: Miss Broderick.
Neena: Bob. Oh, hi, Ted, how's your wife doing? [Ted is silent] Oh, that's right, I forgot you freeze up around me. Okay. Well, I'll see you in court on the eighteenth. [walks away]
J.D.: [v.o.] Ted's possum-like defense mechanism was actually quite brilliant.
Ted: Hello, Neena. We got divorced, actually. I'll see you in court on the eighteenth!

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Carla, when I became chief resident, I wrote a pledge to myself. And do you know what it said? It said "Dance like nobody is watching". Which I do, constantly, in my living room, with the shades closed just in case somebody is watching. But it also said not to hide problems away. So, no, I'm not gonna go and hide Doug down in the morgue.

Quote from Turk

Janitor: By the way, your number isn't "CALL-TURK", it's "CALL-TUR". It'd be easier if your name was "Cal Turk."
Turk: There's nobody named Cal Turk.
[fantasy, a whiter Turk is in an office cubicle with an elderly couple:]
Cal Turk: Cal Turk here. We don't sell insurance, we sell peace of mind. But only to white people. Would you like some milk?

Quote from Turk

Turk: J.D., big news. Guess what my new cell phone number spells.
J.D.: Why'd you get a new cell phone number? Your old number spelled "kfnipah".
Turk: Yeah, well this one's 916-CALLTURK. Yeah, so now all you gotta do is call Turk!
J.D.: How am I supposed to remember that? I'm begging you, stick with "kfnipah".
Turk: Come on, man, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me besides getting married.
J.D.: She's not here.
Turk: It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
J.D.: But "CALLTURK" is eight numbers.
Turk: I know, actually it's just CALLTUR, but I'm hoping people will dial the "K" anyway.
J.D.: I'll always dial the "K" for you.

Quote from Doug

Doug: [enters room] Elliot, I know everyone thinks I'm this huge screw-up, but I just want you to know that I'm gonna turn it around.
Elliot: Doug, this is a quarantined area!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Neena: So my dad's gonna be okay?
Dr. Cox: He's great.
Neena: Thank you. And I hope I didn't ruffle your feathers too much while I was here.
Dr. Cox: Sweetheart, I find it amusing that you think you're so much as a blip on my radar. You better go ahead and jot this down in your little lawyer notebook: Nothing you could possibly do could ever, hee-hever get to me.
Neena: I should probably thank him, too. [kisses J.D.]
Dr. Cox: Oh, my God. I'm gagging and vomiting at the same time! I'm- I'm gavomiting!

Quote from J.D.

Neena: I have a few questions about my father.
Dr. Cox: Your father has syncope-
J.D.: Per, I'm back in. You see, Neena, the heart is like a big inflatable house. Now, on the bottom floor are these two rooms, or "ventricles". Now, these ventricles - or "rooms"-
Neena: Syncope in the setting of severe LV systolic dysfunction indicates a high risk of arrhythmia. So the best course of action would probably be an implantable defibrillator. I'm a medical malpractice attorney. And I am much, much smarter than you.
J.D.: They're like rooms.

Quote from Turk

Mr. Corman: I thought that we could head over to my tennis club. I'll show you what's going on with my serve. Can you hop a tall fence? I'm a little behind on my dues.
Turk: Sure, a black guy breaking in to a country club. Mm, nothing bad could happen there.
Mr. Corman: Yeah, fine.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Kelso: Shake this place up. And for God's sakes, get Murphy out of here.
Carla: Don't worry, Doug, you're a good doctor.
Doug: I know! [hits Carla with charged defib paddles]
[Elliot and J.D. place a medical waste sack over Doug]
Doug: [muffled] Hey, what are you guys going?
Dr. Kelso: Hurry!
Doug: You guys Guys?
[Elliot and J.D. swing the sack back and forth and send it crashing out the window. It lands in front of the Janitor outside the hospital.]
Doug: My leg!
[The Janitor drags the bag away. Later, Doug is framed on his mantelpiece between other taxidermy]
Doug: How long do I have to stay up here?
Janitor: Just until I finish pretending to read the newspaper. Hm! Apparently there was some sort of election held recently.
[reality:]
J.D.: Or we could just ask him to leave.
[Carla stands up after being shocked]
Carla: Come on, Doug. Let's go get some coffee.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: How do you even look at yourself in the mirror knowing that you are ruining American medicine? Frivolous lawsuits, scare perspective, doctors-
Neena: Ssh, ssh, ssh.
Dr. Cox: Don't you even feel the least bit-
Neena: Perry, if you want me to shed a tear about the current status of our medical system, I'm gonna have to borrow a scalpel and dig it deep into my arm, because here's a secret: I don't care about anything that you think about anything.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Mr. Corman, a nurse said this was a full-on emergency.
Mr. Corman: I just came from the courts. It's been six weeks since you did my shoulder surgery, and my serve still has no pop. No zip, I tell ya.
Carla: You have to understand that this is a healing process.
Mr. Corman: Who invited Nurse Twitchy?
Turk: Okay, Mr. Corman, for the- How many visits is this?
Mr. Corman: Twenty-seven.
Turk: Okay, for the twenty-seventh time, we're gonna ask you to do your therapy and just be patient.
Mr. Corman: I have a singles match against my mother on Monday. I lose to her, I lose my pride. I'm assuming these Q-Tips are complimentary.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Listen, I know you hate everything about Miss Broderick, but her father is in need of medical care, and it is our medical obligation to treat him, whether his daughter is a murderer, a drug addict, or a terrorist.
Dr. Cox: I know, but a lawyer?
J.D.: Even a lawyer. It's what we do.
Dr. Cox: Who taught you this crap?
J.D.: [v.o.] It's nice to have the right answer to a tough question.
J.D.: You did.
Dr. Cox: Oh.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Neena played you like proud owner of the world's longest dry streak. You know what, can I ask you a personal question? Exactly how long has it been since you've swept the stuffed animals off of your bed, thrown your ankles up in the air, and thanked whatever god you pray to that you didn't have on your granny panties?

Quote from Janitor

Carla: [whistles] Hey, Night School. Mr. Corman followed us home last night.
Turk: How'd you get my cell phone number?
Janitor: Eh, once you got somebody's drivers license and a urine sample, you get just about anything. How do you flunk eighth grade gym?
Carla: You better stop messing with my husband.
Janitor: You tell him to stop messing with my walls.
Carla: You did this?
Turk: Baby, you know you're my world.
Carla: I'm out.
Janitor: I flunked gym, too. Didn't like the shorts.

Quote from Turk

Mr. Corman: Your father's gonna be just fine. The place is top-notch. I practically live here.
Neena: Are you a doctor? Massive hypochondriac.
Mr. Corman: If you'll excuse me, I have to go harass a surgeon. [they shake hands]

Quote from Turk

J.D.: Turk, the way I see it, you got two options: You can go hard-core with Mr. Corman, slap a restraining order on him and switch him to another doctor.
Turk: Guy's a pain in the ass, but I can't do that to him.
Elliot: Then you just have to re-establish your boundaries and wean him off the home visits. It's easy. 'course, you'll definitely have to change your cell phone number.
[later:]
Turk: Mr. Corman, I filed a restraining order. Which means if you come to my house, call my cell phone-
Mr. Corman: Excuse me, I know what a restraining order is. You act like I've never dated.
Turk: Bye, Mr. Corman.

Quote from Doug

J.D.: [v.o.] As I stood there confused but enjoying Neena's very long kiss with just the right amount of tongue, I thought about how when you make tough decisions good things can happen. Like the confidence you can gain from finding your true calling.
Doug: Hey, Nelson. Got some of your handiwork down in the morgue today. Were you operating with a blindfold on or what?


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