Dr. Cox: I've only actually met the child once, so I think it's pretty important that we figure out a way to spend some alone-time with him.
Jordan: Perry, if I'm gonna be spending a lot of time with someone else's child, it's gonna be with our neighbor's 17-year-old. And don't think he hasn't asked. Oh, Pablo. Hmm.

J.D.: Thanks for letting us crash here, man.
Todd: The Todd's not accustomed to receiving gentleman callers.
J.D.: Okay. Oh, cool picture. Which one of those guys is you?
Todd: Oh, I don't swim. So there's only one rule if you're gonna stay at "El Casa de Todd". You got to hammock up.
J.D.: Oh, I don't have one of those, Todd.
Todd: No problem. What are you, about a medium?
J.D.: Extra-medium.
Todd: This will work. And it'll look good, too.

Janitor: So, I hear you're homeless. I wanna volunteer, give you a place to stay.
J.D.: I don't think so, buddy.
Janitor: Listen, crash in my garage. I guarantee you there will not be another person in there.
[fantasy: J.D. is awoken in the night by animal sounds. He looks up to see a group of raccoons. He touches his face then licks his finger.]
J.D.: You're gonna slather jam on my face and stick a family of raccoons on me, aren't you?
Janitor: Damn it. I've become predictable.

Ted: Come on in. I've got a huge king bed. It'll be nice to have a buffer between me and my mom.

J.D.: I can't believe Turk and Carla are kicking me out.
Elliot: When I was 15, my parents threatened to do the same thing, so I called them on it.
J.D.: They let you stay?
Elliot: Nope. I lived with the Babcocks for 2 years. I didn't have a lot of rules though because they were really old and they thought I was a ghost.

Carla: Well, what do we do now?
Turk: Whenever J.D. and I are bored, we like to play a little game called "Toe or Finger."
Carla: Uh-huh.
Turk: You close your eyes, and I run either a toe or finger underneath your nose and try to guess which one it is, huh? [off Carla's look] Fine. What do you want to do?
Carla: Usually when J.D. gets off work, we gossip about hospital stuff.
Turk: Baby, that sounds a little immature.

Carla: Oh, and Laverne told me that nurse Tisdale is sleeping with that married albino radiologist.
Elliot: Oh, I feel so bad for his wife.
Carla: Elliot, it's not about empathy, it's about judging people.
Elliot: Can't we do something else? [Turk puts his foot close to Elliot's face] Look, I already said I don't want to play that game, Turk.
Turk: Okay, you know what, I vote Elliot goes home because she's all up in our space. Honey, she's in our space.
Elliot: Why? Because I don't want to dish about other people behind their backs or smell your toe?
Turk: Or finger.
Elliot: All I've seen so far is the toe, Turk!

J.D.: Who needs a baby-sitter? I'll do it! You don't even have to pay me in cash. Just pay me in hot showers. And you don't have to, like, wash me, unless you want to, but that could be weird. I don't know.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, I've got this one covered.
J.D.: Come on, you two are interracial best buddies. I, too, have a black best friend. Go out. Enjoy it. Celebrate your uniqueness. I can do it!
Ron: I'm sorry. Did you just call me black? Because the last time I checked, the correct term was African-American.
J.D.: Well, Turk lets me call him brown bear.
Ron: Who the hell is Turk?!
J.D.: I should go.
Dr. Cox: Angry black man. It never disappoints.
Ron: I pull it out when I need to.

J.D.: [v.o.] Kylie wanted to take things slowly. So, 17 dates in, I was basically embroiled in the world's longest make-out session.
Kylie: Too much kissing?
J.D.: No, no. Come on, I still have a little saliva left.
J.D.: [v.o.] As I felt the onslaught of what can only be described as a vicious tongue cramp, I decided it was time to let Kylie see my favorite dance. The "For God's sake, invite me to stay over" dance. And we all know where that ends. The dance begins with a subtle hint.
J.D.: I am so pooped.
J.D.: [v.o.] Step 2: Sashay her into sympathy.
J.D.: It's chilly out there.
Kylie: It is cold.
J.D.: [v.o.] Finally, sweep her off her feet with your vulnerable cuteness.
J.D.: You know what I call this weather? Snuggle weather.
J.D.: [v.o.] Tip the band leader and fluff up the pillows, because this dance is done.
Kylie: You should go.
[fantasy:]
Teddy Bear: Yeah, hit the bricks, bitch. You got no game.

Ron: So look at you, Mr. Big Time doctor.
Dr. Cox: How about you, Mr. Big Time... I don't actually know what you do.
Ron: Man, I've told you 100 times. I run mergers and acquisitions for a large private equity hedge fund. You've forgotten already, haven't you?
Dr. Cox: No, no. You do hedge clippings for a big farm. You privately acquire hedgehogs. Oh, come on, you got a hog farm. Give me a break.