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39Quotes from ‘My Roommates’

Scrubs: My Roommates

418. My Roommates

Aired February 22, 2005

Carla and Turk ask J.D. to move out so they can spend more time together. When Dr. Cox's school friend Ron (guest star Michael Boatman) comes to town, he notices that his child exhibits signs of autism.

Quote from Jordan

Dr. Cox: I've only actually met the child once, so I think it's pretty important that we figure out a way to spend some alone-time with him.
Jordan: Perry, if I'm gonna be spending a lot of time with someone else's child, it's gonna be with our neighbor's 17-year-old. And don't think he hasn't asked. Oh, Pablo. Hmm.

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Quote from Todd

J.D.: Thanks for letting us crash here, man.
Todd: The Todd's not accustomed to receiving gentleman callers.
J.D.: Okay. Oh, cool picture. Which one of those guys is you?
Todd: Oh, I don't swim. So there's only one rule if you're gonna stay at "El Casa de Todd". You got to hammock up.
J.D.: Oh, I don't have one of those, Todd.
Todd: No problem. What are you, about a medium?
J.D.: Extra-medium.
Todd: This will work. And it'll look good, too.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: So, I hear you're homeless. I wanna volunteer, give you a place to stay.
J.D.: I don't think so, buddy.
Janitor: Listen, crash in my garage. I guarantee you there will not be another person in there.
[fantasy: J.D. is awoken in the night by animal sounds. He looks up to see a group of raccoons. He touches his face then licks his finger.]
J.D.: You're gonna slather jam on my face and stick a family of raccoons on me, aren't you?
Janitor: Damn it. I've become predictable.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Come on in. I've got a huge king bed. It'll be nice to have a buffer between me and my mom.

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: I can't believe Turk and Carla are kicking me out.
Elliot: When I was 15, my parents threatened to do the same thing, so I called them on it.
J.D.: They let you stay?
Elliot: Nope. I lived with the Babcocks for 2 years. I didn't have a lot of rules though because they were really old and they thought I was a ghost.

Quote from Turk

Carla: Well, what do we do now?
Turk: Whenever J.D. and I are bored, we like to play a little game called "Toe or Finger."
Carla: Uh-huh.
Turk: You close your eyes, and I run either a toe or finger underneath your nose and try to guess which one it is, huh? [off Carla's look] Fine. What do you want to do?
Carla: Usually when J.D. gets off work, we gossip about hospital stuff.
Turk: Baby, that sounds a little immature.

Quote from Elliot

Carla: Oh, and Laverne told me that nurse Tisdale is sleeping with that married albino radiologist.
Elliot: Oh, I feel so bad for his wife.
Carla: Elliot, it's not about empathy, it's about judging people.
Elliot: Can't we do something else? [Turk puts his foot close to Elliot's face] Look, I already said I don't want to play that game, Turk.
Turk: Okay, you know what, I vote Elliot goes home because she's all up in our space. Honey, she's in our space.
Elliot: Why? Because I don't want to dish about other people behind their backs or smell your toe?
Turk: Or finger.
Elliot: All I've seen so far is the toe, Turk!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Who needs a baby-sitter? I'll do it! You don't even have to pay me in cash. Just pay me in hot showers. And you don't have to, like, wash me, unless you want to, but that could be weird. I don't know.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, I've got this one covered.
J.D.: Come on, you two are interracial best buddies. I, too, have a black best friend. Go out. Enjoy it. Celebrate your uniqueness. I can do it!
Ron: I'm sorry. Did you just call me black? Because the last time I checked, the correct term was African-American.
J.D.: Well, Turk lets me call him brown bear.
Ron: Who the hell is Turk?!
J.D.: I should go.
Dr. Cox: Angry black man. It never disappoints.
Ron: I pull it out when I need to.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Tell me this, how's that super sexy mother of yours?
Ron: You know what, your crush on my mom was cute when we were 14, but the woman's 85 now. You need to back off. Or you can ask her out to dinner. I'll have her pop in her "going out" teeth and you two can see if there's any real spark.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Ron: Will you be joining us for dinner?
Jordan: No way. Every time we go out, the whole night turns into a giant pissing contest.
Dr. Cox: No, it doesn't.
[flashback to Dr. Cox and Ron literally engaging in a pissing content:]
Dr. Cox: First one who tags the dog, wins.
Ron: Count it. [dog barks]
[present:]
Dr. Cox: I've seen that dog around the neighborhood. I think we killed its spirit.
Ron: Yeah.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Say, Ronnie, what say we let the kids play for a while? They could probably play with, oh, I don't know, how about the building blocks that Jack very, very rarely ever even touches?
Ron: You know, Nathan is actually in the 90th percentile in height.
Dr. Cox: Jack's only in the 85th. Of course, he's in the 99th for head size.
Ron: Congratulations. Your son's the Hamburglar.
Dr. Cox: Head size is directly related to intelligence.
Ron: Really?
Dr. Cox: [whistles] Jack, get the bucket off.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Jordan: Look, Perry, we just have to accept Jack the way he is, love him unconditionally, and enroll him in some sort of block-building class.
Dr. Cox: Look at these things, Jordan.
Jordan: Yeah?
Dr. Cox: The color coordination, the the symmetry. A two-year-old shouldn't be able to do this kind of stuff.
Jordan: What are you trying to say?
Dr. Cox: Nathan has classic signs of autism.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Ron's kid doesn't make eye contact, he barely speaks, and he freaked out when you tried to cuddle him. I mean, hell, if he was an adult, he'd be, well, you know, me. But those behaviors in a child could point towards autism. I think it's pretty obvious what we have to do.
Jordan: Grit our teeth, get through the weekend, never speak to Ron again?
Dr. Cox: Exactly.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: I cannot believe what I just heard.
Dr. Cox: The ticktocking of your biological clock leading you towards the corner of celibate and spinster way?
Jordan: Sometimes it's great to already have a bastard child.
Dr. Cox: You said it.
Elliot: You know, it is our obligation as doctors to tell someone when there is a problem. And I will bring a child into this world when I am good and ready, not when society dictates I must. [sniffs Jordan] Good god, you smell like baby.

Quote from Turk

Carla: We should ask him back.
Turk: Baby, no. We're too proud. We are the proud Turks.

Quote from J.D.

Ed McMahon: Yeah?
J.D.: Does Doug Murphy live here?
Ed McMahon: The pathologist?
J.D.: Yeah.
Ed McMahon: No. He moved out. [picks up giant check] Excuse me. I gotta go change somebody's life.
Dr. Kelso: Okay but, Mr. McMahon, would you mind...
Ed McMahon: Hi-oh!
J.D.: You are correct, sir!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Ron: What's up?
Dr. Cox: Ron, there is no easy way to do this, so I'm just gonna go ahead and say it. I think Nathan is autistic. And that's the real reason that I wanted to spend time with him today.
Ron: This is- This is unbelievable.
Dr. Cox: I know, but the good news here is that we found out early, so you can be as proactive as you-
Ron: No, no, no. You are unbelievable. I mean you can't handle the fact that my kid is better than your kid at building blocks, so you tell me there's something wrong with him?! You know what, uh, why don't you just get the hell out of here, hmm?
Dr. Cox: That's just not gonna happen. No way.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Cox: [v.o.] At first I was a little disappointed that I wasn't sleeping at Kylie's, but it was good to be home.
J.D.: I'm home! Hello, fridge. Good to see ya, lamp. Here I come, couch! [falls] You guys moved couch?
J.D.: [v.o.] It's always nice to let your friends know that you appreciate them.
Turk: I'm glad you're home, buddy.
J.D.: I missed you, my African-American friend.
Turk: Call me brown bear.
J.D.: Brown bear.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: This, uh is a classmate of mine from medical school. He's located up in your area now. I think he'd really be able to help you.
J.D.: [v.o.] But sometimes you just can't quite find words to show that appreciation.
Ron: You know, uh I just wanna say that, uh, I'm gonna handle this kid situation so much better than you ever could.
Dr. Cox: Oh, give me a break. I would kick your ass in situation-handling. I'm a doctor, for God sakes. And for the record, the Vegas odds-makers are makin' Coxy a heavy favorite.
Ron: Well, then, I would just bet on me and make a bundle.
Dr. Cox: You know what? I probably would, too.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Kylie wanted to take things slowly. So, 17 dates in, I was basically embroiled in the world's longest make-out session.
Kylie: Too much kissing?
J.D.: No, no. Come on, I still have a little saliva left.
J.D.: [v.o.] As I felt the onslaught of what can only be described as a vicious tongue cramp, I decided it was time to let Kylie see my favorite dance. The "For God's sake, invite me to stay over" dance. And we all know where that ends. The dance begins with a subtle hint.
J.D.: I am so pooped.
J.D.: [v.o.] Step 2: Sashay her into sympathy.
J.D.: It's chilly out there.
Kylie: It is cold.
J.D.: [v.o.] Finally, sweep her off her feet with your vulnerable cuteness.
J.D.: You know what I call this weather? Snuggle weather.
J.D.: [v.o.] Tip the band leader and fluff up the pillows, because this dance is done.
Kylie: You should go.
[fantasy:]
Teddy Bear: Yeah, hit the bricks, bitch. You got no game.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Ron: So look at you, Mr. Big Time doctor.
Dr. Cox: How about you, Mr. Big Time... I don't actually know what you do.
Ron: Man, I've told you 100 times. I run mergers and acquisitions for a large private equity hedge fund. You've forgotten already, haven't you?
Dr. Cox: No, no. You do hedge clippings for a big farm. You privately acquire hedgehogs. Oh, come on, you got a hog farm. Give me a break.


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