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33Quotes from ‘My Lawyer's in Love’

Scrubs: My Lawyer's in Love

808. My Lawyer's in Love

Aired February 3, 2009

Between doing rounds, treating patients, doing paperwork and picking up his son from daycare, Dr. Cox is swamped at work but refuses any help. Meanwhile, the Janitor and J.D. team up to help Ted when he falls for Stephanie (Kate Micucci), a ukulele-playing singer at the hospital.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: I wish I could help that bald, sweaty bastard.
Janitor: Maybe you and I could team up.
J.D.: I bet you think I'm going to say no. But let me tell you something about the Dorians. We trust. And we trust hard. It's the reason why every single Dorian has a loyal army of friends. It's also why last weekend I flew to the Ozarks for a spontaneous water ski getaway with Dr. Cox. He was not there. Nor was his lakeside cabin. There had also been talk of a tire swing.

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Quote from Ted

Janitor: Look, Ted, you're obviously upset about the ukulele girl. So, we've called a truce to help you out.
Ted: I'm not upset.
J.D.: Ted, we found you in a park, throwing rocks at old couples.
Ted: Why should they be happy?!

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Ted, do you want to get this girl? Give her a present. Better yet, a present that you made. My first date with Lady, I made her a duck I killed. Now, you're thinking wouldn't it have been more romantic to kill it in front of her? And yes, it would have. And it was my plan. But in the car, on the way over, we kind of get into it, you know. Maybe I was in a bad mood, maybe he was, I don't know. But one thing led to another, and then we're off on the side of the road, shirtless and seeing what's what. Next thing I knew...
Ted: I'm really not comfortable murdering for her.

Quote from Ted

Ted: [vocalizes]
J.D.: Ted, what are you doing?
Ted: Band practice.
J.D.: What band?
Ted: Peons assemble! They have to stay within earshot, it's in the band code.
J.D.: Wow, Ted, it's kind of like you're their leader.
Ted: Peons disperse! Peons assemble! Enough of the horse play!

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: Come on, man. You can get this girl.
Ted: No, no, no, you don't understand. If I even think about a girl that hot, I get the most unbelievable dry mouth.
I mean, just picturing her beautiful eyes and her cute sm- [chokes; takes Janitor's drink, gasps] What is that?
Janitor: It's Jum and tonic. Gin, rum and tonic.
J.D.: Don't get him drunk. He can barely talk as it is.
Janitor: You don't get drunk on Jum. It's a breakfast liqueur.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Now we need to practice, and I can't have you winded. Now we've only got one shot to convince Dr. Cox to let us sing for the sick kids in pediatrics. One, two.
[Ted's band sing Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't Fear the Reaper"]
J.D.: Oh boy, good luck with that.
J.D.: [v.o.] As wrong as it was to serenade sick kids with a song about the upside of death, it was perfect for my walk to Dr. Cox's office. Yep, it was terrifying going up against the new chief.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: J.D., good news, Cox just added two new negative pressure rooms. Great job wearing him down.
J.D.: [v.o.] But still, with Dr. Cox, winning has ramifications.
Jack: Janice, you have one ugly baby. Seriously.
J.D.: Did you actually teach your son to be mean to a baby?
Dr. Cox: Not just any baby, but your baby. Come here, Jackie Boy! We're going to get 10,000 jelly beans. I love you so much.
J.D.: [to Sammy] They can both be so hurtful.

Quote from Jordan

Jordan: You got to pick Jack up from preschool today.
Dr. Cox: Why can't you do it?
Jordan: Hello, I'll be busy taking care of our daughter.
Dr. Cox: Jennifer is with the nanny.
Jordan: Okay, fine. Jack's school gets out at 2:00 and you know I take a nap everyday from 11:30 to 3:00.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Got your latte, champ.
Dr. Cox: Well now, thank you. Boy, oh, boy, you're really digging the heck out of this whole secret friendship thing, aren't you?
Dr. Kelso: Well, it has all the thrill of an affair, without all that exhausting sex.
Dr. Cox: Do you realize that I have to do rounds, see patients, pick up my son Jack, and somehow put a dent in all this bureaucratic ridiculousness?
Dr. Kelso: You're the Chief of Medicine, you can't keep doing all the things you used to do. You have to let something go. Just don't drop the ball with your son. That's what I did with Harrison. He and his new life partner, Caleb, have just opened a boutique on Fire Island called "Everything Mesh". You like mesh, Perry?
Dr. Cox: No, Bob, I don't.
Dr. Kelso: Well, I didn't either at first. But the boxers really breathe.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Look, I know you and Craig have a history, but I'm sure you're swamped. I don't mind taking this one.
Dr. Cox: No no, Craig was my patient before, so he'll be my patient now. Plus, if you don't treat him, then he gets to get home not smelling like cocoa butter.
J.D.: Mock away, but do you think it's an accident that I have the complexion of a 12-year-old Greek boy?
Dr. Cox: Don't get me wrong, I still want you to be a big part of Craig's treatment team. Say hum, Craig? Is there anything you want Dr. Puberty Beard to go get for you?
Craig: A root beer, please.
Dr. Cox: Nice to have you on board.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Okay, Teddy. It's time to throw down your power rap.
J.D.: Wow, look at Ted go!
Stephanie: Can I help you?
Ted: No, you cannot! [walks into a door]
Janitor: Yeah. Every time Ted chickens out with a girl, he goes straight to his bike and pedals home.
[later as Ted cycles home:]
Ted: Cherish the pain, Ted. It means you're still alive.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Okay. Last patient. A pre-excitation of the ventricle due to accessory pathway's a condition called what? [two interns raise their hands] It's Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome. Nice job. I'm out of time, so I'm going to go ahead and answer these last questions myself. Now what is... [hands go up] Let me finish. What is Ebstein's anomaly? [hands go up] Great job, group. I appreciate the effort. Now leave. [whistles] Not you. You didn't raise your hand, not even once.
Ed: I wasn't feeling it.
Dr. Cox: Well, it's perfectly understandable, but for the record, what is Ebstein's anomaly? [Ed raises his hand] Yes, dark haired guy.
Ed: Oh, I thought it was just the hand-rising part. Okay, I know I was supposed to read up on that. But Dr. Cox, are you familiar with those electronic trivia games they have at bars?
Dr. Cox: Sure.
Ed: My buddies and I bought one at a police auction, and we've got this really intense game going. And they're going to call me whenever my team's turn comes up.
Dr. Cox: Wow. Your laziness has finally caught up with you. But, no worries. As your teacher, I'm going to make sure you get through all this because... For the next two days, you're going to sit your ass in that chair, and you are going to learn everything there is to know about the human heart. I'm going to come around, every once in a while, and ask you questions, and if you don't know the answer, I'm going to take that textbook, and I'm going to drive it through your skull. How does that sound?
Ed: Pretty frightening.
Dr. Cox: Good luck.

Quote from Ted

Janitor: Okay, Ted. I think we found a way to get you over your fear of talking to this girl.
Ted: Kill me? Cause I'd be willing to try that.

Quote from Ted

J.D.: Is our friend in there?
Stephanie: He's in the corner.
Janitor: You just spooked him a little bit. But if we're quiet, he'll come out on his own.
Ted: Hey, guys.
Stephanie: Did you have something you wanted to talk to me about?
J.D.: [v.o.] And then Ted remembered what the janitor had said about confidence. And he knew that there was only one situation where he actually had it.
Ted: Peons assemble! I heard you playing yesterday and thought you might like to jam with us. I'm Teddy Buckland by the way.
Stephanie: I'm Stephanie Gooch.
Ted: Well, Gooch. See if you can keep up.
[Ted and his band play Kansas' "Carry on Wayward Son"]

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: So how is your day going today, any better?
Dr. Cox: I'm okay.
Carla: Oh, give it up. Everybody knows you two are friends.
[Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso were sitting back-to-back at separate tables]
Dr. Cox: Oh, please, Carla. I still hate Bobbo with a-
Dr. Kelso: We're like brothers. I'm done hiding this, Perry.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Kelso: Hey, Dorian. Perry and I are like brothers now.
Dr. Cox: Bob, he's not going to take that well.
J.D.: I do everything for you and you still won't let me in? You now what, thank you, Perry. Thank you for giving me my life back. Because I am done.
Carla: J.D., he needs our help.
J.D.: I'm back in. I'm here for you buddy.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: You know. Last weekend, Perry and I went to the movies together.
J.D.: So?
Dr. Kelso: Thought you'd be interested.
J.D.: Was it a romantic comedy?
Dr. Kelso: Yeah.
[J.D. screams and throws his cafeteria tray up in the air]

Quote from Jordan

Dr. Cox: Maybe they're all right. I have to give something up.
Jordan: Sweetie, I got to talk to your dad for a second. Go over there and staple some stuff.
Jack: Cool!
Jordan: Perry, they don't know you like I do. You're not capable of giving up on anything that you care about. Whether it's a patient or your never-ending quest to please me sexually.
Dr. Cox: I'm going to blow you away tonight.
Jordan: I'm sure it'll be amazing. My point is, is that eventually you balance things out. Who cares if you can't pick Jack up from preschool? Just make sure that you're home in time for his bedtime stories.
Dr. Cox: Thank you.
[Jack has stapled his clothes to the wall and drawn the outline of a boy]
Jack: Hey guys! I finally got a brother!
Dr. Cox: Kid's either a genius or an idiot.

Quote from Ted

Stephanie: I thought maybe we could get to know each other. [Ted is lost for words] You know, I'm an idiot. I've been dropping all these subtle hints that I like you. Sideways glances, the secret smiles, telling you I want to screw you. You're clearly not interested.
Ted: Gooch! I'm really not what you would call a winner. Oh, sure, I'm a lawyer. But that's only because I took the Bar exam in Alaska, and they only have like four laws and most of them are about when you can and cannot kill seals. And if it seems like I'm uninterested, it's only because I've no idea why you would like me. I mean, you are the most beautiful, perfect ukulele player I've ever seen. I know hat's not saying much, because they're usually fat Hawaiians. Still, I think what I'm trying to say is... Stephanie, I would love to go and have coffee with you.
Stephanie: What time do you get off from work?
Ted: Who cares?
[Ted and Stephanie walk out]

Quote from Dr. Cox

Craig: I told you to leave me alone.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, you did. But I can't do that Craig. I screwed up, I broke a promise to you. But I'm sorry. I'm standing here asking you to forgive me. And I'm not leaving until you do.
Craig: Make him go away.
J.D.: I can't, buddy. I have a lot of patients to see. You're stuck with him.
J.D.: [v.o.] As I watched Dr. Cox, I realized, he was going to do it all. Even if it meant compromising a little. Like letting a close friend cross the T's and dot the I's.
Dr. Cox: Here is the first pass of the nurses schedule. Please feel free to make any changes you want and put it out.
Carla: No problem.
J.D.: [v.o.] Or deciding not to bother teaching someone who doesn't want to be taught.
Dr. Cox: Time's up. You patient has a sodium channel abnormality in the cardiac tissue which puts him at risk of sudden death, what does he have?
Ed: Actually, I didn't get to that chapter yet. There was this trivia thing, did you know James Garfield was our twenti-
Dr. Cox: It's been two days. You're fired.
J.D.: [v.o.] Still, it's all worth it if you get home in time to read stories to your son.
[When an excited Dr. Cox arrives in Jack's bedroom with as storybook, Jack is fast asleep]
Jordan: It's okay. You'll try again tomorrow. Come.


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