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28Quotes from ‘My Own Personal Jesus’

Scrubs: My Own Personal Jesus

111. My Own Personal Jesus

Aired December 11, 2001

After Turk works a punishing Christmas Eve shift at the hospital, he has a crisis of faith. Meanwhile, Elliot treats a pregnant teen, and Dr. Cox gets J.D. to film the birth of his friends' child.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: [v.o.] Still, there are some traditions I enjoy. Like Nurse Tisdale's 9.15 cup of coffee.
[fantasy: Nurse Tisdale walking towards J.D. in a bikini]
Elliot: Carla, what time is it?
Carla: Oh, I don't know but I'm guessing it's about 9.15 ish.
J.D.: Oh, this thing! Who put this up?
Janitor: I did. I drove round the whole city before my 5am shift, just looking for that. Trying to add a little cheer. [laughs] You will not ruin my Christmas. Not again. Not this year.
J.D.: I've only worked here for three months.

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Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: You know, I don't want to sound insensitive, but why don't these people have any money?
Elliot: I don't know, sir, they probably waste it all on food. Dr. Kelso, I need you to precept a patient. Nineteen-year-old complaining of abdominal pain, turns out she's at least eight months pregnant. I'm just going to let one of the family practice people handle it.
Dr. Kelso: Well, that sounds like a wonderful idea, sweetheart, except I heard your smart-aleck remark a second ago so why don't you just keep your little pregnant girl? It'll be good practice for you since you'll probably end up in a female specialty anyway.
Elliot: What do you mean by that? I'm internal medicine.
Dr. Kelso: Well, of course you are. But numbers don't lie and most women end up in OB-GYN, family practice or pediatrics. It's like a riptide, sweetheart, pulling and pulling, and you can swim against the current all you want. But when Mr. Stork comes a-calling, you're not going to be thinking, "I'm internal medicine." It's gonna be, "Oh! Look at the baby!"
Elliot: Sir, I have to say, I'm offended.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, no. Now I have to go buy flowers to make it right.

Quote from Jordan

Dr. Cox: I'm assuming, since you already went ahead and took everything else, that you're here for my self-respect, but there's bad news on that one, sweet-cheeks. I already gave it to your mom when she begged me to marry you. [laughs]
Jordan: Oh, I wouldn't have room for it, what with your testicles in my trophy case.
Dr. Cox: Holy cow. Who's better? You got me by the short hairs.
Jordan: See ya.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Childbirth has been so romanticised. I guess because if people knew the truth...
[fantasy: a public information video from the '50s:]
Narrator: [v.o.] Congratulations! You're expecting. Don't worry, your doctor will tell you everything you need to know. Hi, doctor.
J.D.: You'll fart, pee, puke and poop in front of ten complete strangers who'll be staring intently at your vagina, which, by the way, has an 80% chance of tearing.
Woman: You do it.
[reality:]
J.D.: [v.o.] Still, no matter what the realities, the end result is always the same.
J.D.: Oh, look at the baby.
Male Doctor: [with announcer's voice] It's a bouncing baby boy. Yet another soldier in the fight against Communism!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] But not as much as I hate moments like these. There's nothing I can do for that guy, but when I go in there, the whole family's going to look at me like I've got some magical power to fix him.
[fantasy: J.D. is dressed like The Fonz as he walks into the patient's room and taps him on the chest:]
Patient: Hey, everybody!
J.D.: Eeey!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] At least I can go home now. Maybe it's because Christmas is a hard time for people, maybe it's because too many families get together, but statistically Christmas Eve, it's one of the worst nights of the year to be on call.
Singers: [singing] On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a drunk who drove into a tree. On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me two shattered sculls, and a drunk who drove into a tree. Twelve beaten children, eleven drive-by shootings, ten frozen homeless, nine amputations, eight burn victims, seven strangled shoppers, six random knifings, five suicides, four beaten wives, three old dears, two shattered sculls, and a drunk who drove into a tree.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Did you go see baby Charlie yet?
Dr. Cox: Oh, yeah, I was just planning on doing that. Never.
J.D.: You're such a special friend.
Dr. Cox: Oh, gosh, Marjorie, aren't you sassy today? Did Santa finally bring you that Y chromosome you always wanted?
J.D.: What's your problem, anyway?
Dr. Cox: Well, for starters, I hate Christmas.
[fantasy: Dr. Cox as the Grinch:]
Dr. Cox: I don't like bambersnoodles, I loathe dinkerwallows, I hate snagtumgopers. I say, do you follow?

Quote from Turk

Turk: It was a miracle! First of all, the man was near dead. Then he comes out.
J.D.: You're ridiculous.
Turk: He was damn near- J.D., I'm telling you it was a miracle.
J.D.: It was not a miracle.
Turk: Yes, it was. Dude!
J.D.: [v.o.] I kind of envy Turk. To be that sure of something, to have that faith. Of course, that doesn't mean I don't love busting him about it.
J.D.: Okay, so you think God was responsible for his recovery? That's fine. We all have our beliefs. I, for instance, carry around this tiny little Monopoly piece for good luck.
Turk: Did you compare my Lord and Savior to a tiny top hat?
Carla: He did, I heard him, baby. Go get him.

Quote from J.D.

Jordan: I thought I got Randy and Jackie in the divorce.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, my God, his ex-wife. The tension actually hurts. You have to break it. Say something. Anything!
J.D.: Banana hammock!
Dr. Cox: I'm betting your ability to thrive under pressure is what drove you to medicine.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Ah, Christmas Eve. Unfortunately, when you spend every waking moment in a hospital, it's hard to get into the spirit.
Nurse Roberts: Are you aware that you're in everyone's way?
J.D.: Everyone's way? Or your way? Think about it.
Nurse Roberts: [muttering] Think about it? I'll think about it.

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: [v.o.] Things could be worse. I could be with Elliot doing my day in the free clinic.
Elliot: I understand that you took a cab down here, but that doesn't mean I can give you Vicodin because your teeth are itchy.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: What do you hate most about the holidays?
Carla: Wrapping presents. You?
J.D.: My family.
Nurse Roberts: I don't know how anyone can get in the spirit around here.
Turk: [wearing antlers and red nose] Come on, guys. All the spirit you need is right here. Can I get a amen?
J.D.: [v.o.] One thing about Turk, he's always been good at rallying people.
[fantasy: Turk is preaching in front of a choir in the cafeteria:]
Turk: Congregation, I said, can I get a amen?
All: Amen!
Turk: 'Tis the season of givin', y'all. And what better place to give than right here at Sacred Heart? Lovest thou me, then feed my sheep! Right here, at Sacred Heart, we are not only gonna feed his sheep but we gonna clothe them. And we gonna bathe them. And we gonna cut 'em open. Then we gonna stitch 'em right back together. Because that is what Christmas is all about. That's right!

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: Ooh, candy!
[After J.D. pulls a candy cane off the Christmas tree, the whole tree falls down]
J.D.: I was jut- I was trying to-
Janitor: Oh, I know exactly what you're trying to do, but you're not gonna break my Christmas spirit. You can't. Not ever. I'm the Holly Jolly Janitor. Hi, little girl. What do you want for Christmas? [she hits him in the nuts]

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Cox: Newbie, I always punch the tabs out of my tapes so there's no way they can be recorded over. So puh-lease tell me you didn't use the tape that was already in the camera.
J.D.: Banana hammock.
Dr. Cox: So, in other words, there is no permanent historical record of the birth of my friend's baby?
J.D.: Well, I think that the baby itself would serve as proof that it was, you know born.
Dr. Cox: You don't understand what you've done. My ex-wife is gonna hold this over my head for so long that I doubt I'll ever see the sun again. And I liked the sun, Newbie. It made me hopeful.
J.D.: Well, I was there. I could certainly jot down some of my feelings and impressions.
J.D.: [v.o.] If he was really mad at me, he would have stayed and yelled at me.
[fantasy: Dr. Cox appears to be talking to J.D. in the home movie that's playing:]
Dr. Cox: [on TV] Don't kid yourself, Newbie. I couldn't be any madder at you. [J.D. turns the TV off] No, do not do that again. That's a bad Newbie. Oh bad. Oh bad. Oh bad.

Quote from J.D.

Jordan: You made some interesting choices with the camera, Orson. You didn't want to see any faces?
J.D.: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: I switched the tapes. Just go with it.
Randy: Here he comes, I see the head!
Jordan: What a gorgeous head of hair.
Jackie: That's funny. He was completely bald when he was in here a few minutes ago.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, well...
J.D.: We shaved the baby.
Jordan: You shaved the baby?
J.D.: Shaved it.
Dr. Cox: It's standard procedure. What with the recent outbreak of pre-natal lice.
J.D.: Yep. Definitely. Shave and haircut. Two bits.

Quote from Turk

Turk: I don't get it. Why are we on the roof?
Carla: I wanted to show you that no matter how ugly things can get down there, there's still a lot of beauty up here.
Turk: Is that gum or pigeon crap on my sneaker?
Carla: Come on, let's go look around. There's nobody here, no one can see us. We could do whatever we wanted.
Turk: Like what?
Carla: Okay, how are you not getting this?
Turk: Oh, you mean have relations. You wanna have relations right here on the roof. Baby, there's a lot of pebbles on the ground. It will make my ass look like a chocolate chocolate chip.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Jordan: Do you think I'm a moron?
Dr. Cox: Newbie, don't answer that question. It's a trick, that's a trick.
Jordan: Oh, pre-natal lice? You do realize that would be lice in the womb?
Dr. Cox: Oh, I've seen them, they're real and gross.

Quote from Jordan

J.D.: [v.o.] Maybe Dr. Cox had pushed me too far. I don't know. Whatever it was, I told on him.
J.D.: Plus, he didn't even go see baby Charlie yet.
J.D.: [v.o.] And then something amazing happened. They connected. And all the hatred they had for each other was suddenly focused on me.
Jordan: Excuse me, Sally Sensitive, I don't remember asking you anything. Your mom's aware that she'll eventually have to stop breast-feeding?
Dr. Cox: Ooh, good Jordan, good. Now work the body, work the body. Under the ribs. Under the ribs.
Jordan: I'm not gonna see that baby either. Are you gonna tattle on me? Are you?
Dr. Cox: [fake cries]
Jordan: I'm frightened.
Elliot: J.D., do you have a second?
J.D.: God, yes.
Jordan: That's right. Run away, Sally.

Quote from Jordan

J.D.: [v.o.] Babies are amazing. Especially the way they bring people together.
Dr. Cox: So, baby Charlie is the bald one?
Jordan: Yeah. He wouldn't be smiling so much if he knew how ugly his parents were.
Dr. Cox: [laughs] You're a sexy bitch.
Jordan: Thanks.


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