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My Own Personal Jesus

‘My Own Personal Jesus’

Season 1, Episode 11 - Aired December 11, 2001

After Turk works a punishing Christmas Eve shift at the hospital, he has a crisis of faith. Meanwhile, Elliot treats a pregnant teen, and Dr. Cox gets J.D. to film the birth of his friends' child.

Quote from Jordan

Dr. Cox: I'm assuming, since you already went ahead and took everything else, that you're here for my self-respect, but there's bad news on that one, sweet-cheeks. I already gave it to your mom when she begged me to marry you. [laughs]
Jordan: Oh, I wouldn't have room for it, what with your testicles in my trophy case.
Dr. Cox: Holy cow. Who's better? You got me by the short hairs.
Jordan: See ya.


Quote from Janitor

J.D.: [v.o.] Still, there are some traditions I enjoy. Like Nurse Tisdale's 9.15 cup of coffee.
[fantasy: Nurse Tisdale walking towards J.D. in a bikini]
Elliot: Carla, what time is it?
Carla: Oh, I don't know but I'm guessing it's about 9.15 ish.
J.D.: Oh, this thing! Who put this up?
Janitor: I did. I drove round the whole city before my 5am shift, just looking for that. Trying to add a little cheer. [laughs] You will not ruin my Christmas. Not again. Not this year.
J.D.: I've only worked here for three months.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Childbirth has been so romanticised. I guess because if people knew the truth...
[fantasy: a public information video from the '50s:]
Narrator: [v.o.] Congratulations! You're expecting. Don't worry, your doctor will tell you everything you need to know. Hi, doctor.
J.D.: You'll fart, pee, puke and poop in front of ten complete strangers who'll be staring intently at your vagina, which, by the way, has an 80% chance of tearing.
Woman: You do it.
J.D.: [v.o.] Still, no matter what the realities, the end result is always the same.
J.D.: Oh, look at the baby.
Male Doctor: [with narrator's voice] It's a bouncing baby boy. Yet another soldier in the fight against Communism!

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: You know, I don't want to sound insensitive, but why don't these people have any money?
Elliot: I don't know, sir, they probably waste it all on food. Dr. Kelso, I need you to precept a patient. Nineteen-year-old complaining of abdominal pain, turns out she's at least eight months pregnant. I'm just going to let one of the family practice people handle it.
Dr. Kelso: Well, that sounds like a wonderful idea, sweetheart, except I heard your smart-aleck remark a second ago, so why don't you just keep your little pregnant girl? It'll be good practice for you since you'll probably end up in a female specialty anyway.
Elliot: What do you mean by that? I'm internal medicine.
Dr. Kelso: Well, of course you are. But numbers don't lie and most women end up in OB-GYN, family practice or pediatrics. It's like a riptide, sweetheart, pulling and pulling, and you can swim against the current all you want. But when Mr. Stork comes a-calling, you're not going to be thinking, "I'm internal medicine." It's gonna be, "Oh! Look at the baby!"
Elliot: Sir, I have to say, I'm offended.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, no. Now I have to go buy flowers to make it right.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] But not as much as I hate moments like these. There's nothing I can do for that guy, but when I go in there, the whole family's going to look at me like I've got some magical power to fix him.
[fantasy: J.D. is dressed like The Fonz as he walks into the patient's room and taps him on the chest:]
Patient: Hey, everybody!
J.D.: Eeey!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] At least I can go home now. Maybe it's because Christmas is a hard time for people, maybe it's because too many families get together, but statistically Christmas Eve, it's one of the worst nights of the year to be on call.
Singers: [singing] On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a drunk who drove into a tree. On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me two shattered sculls, and a drunk who drove into a tree. Twelve beaten children, eleven drive-by shootings, ten frozen homeless, nine amputations, eight burn victims, seven strangled shoppers, six random knifings, five suicides, four beaten wives, three old dears, two shattered sculls, and a drunk who drove into a tree.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Did you go see baby Charlie yet?
Dr. Cox: Oh, yeah, I was just planning on doing that. Never.
J.D.: You're such a special friend.
Dr. Cox: Oh, gosh, Marjorie, aren't you sassy today? Did Santa finally bring you that Y chromosome you always wanted?
J.D.: What's your problem, anyway?
Dr. Cox: Well, for starters, I hate Christmas.
[fantasy: Dr. Cox as the Grinch:]
Dr. Cox: I don't like bambersnoodles, I loathe dinkerwallows, I hate snagtumgopers. I say, do you follow?

Quote from Turk

Turk: It was a miracle! First of all, the man was near dead. Then he comes out.
J.D.: You're ridiculous.
Turk: He was damn near- J.D., I'm telling you it was a miracle.
J.D.: It was not a miracle.
Turk: Yes, it was. Dude!
J.D.: [v.o.] I kind of envy Turk. To be that sure of something, to have that faith. Of course, that doesn't mean I don't love busting him about it.
J.D.: Okay, so you think God was responsible for his recovery? That's fine. We all have our beliefs. I, for instance, carry around this tiny little Monopoly piece for good luck.
Turk: Did you compare my Lord and Savior to a tiny top hat?
Carla: He did, I heard him, baby. Go get him.

Quote from J.D.

Jordan: I thought I got Randy and Jackie in the divorce.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, my God, his ex-wife. The tension actually hurts. You have to break it. Say something. Anything!
J.D.: Banana hammock!
Dr. Cox: I'm betting your ability to thrive under pressure is what drove you to medicine.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Ah, Christmas Eve. Unfortunately, when you spend every waking moment in a hospital, it's hard to get into the spirit.
Nurse Roberts: Are you aware that you're in everyone's way?
J.D.: Everyone's way? Or your way? Think about it.
Nurse Roberts: [muttering] Think about it? I'll think about it.

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