J.D.: [v.o.] Since Jordan had pre-natal surgery, she'd been on bed rest. Dr. Cox, however, was not.
Dr. Cox: Okay, I made your breakfast, the kitchen's as clean as a whistle, I'm gonna drop Jack off at daycare on the way to work. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Jordan: I need you to go to the video store and get me anything with Viggo something-sen, I need white chocolate, strawberry seltzer, peppercorn brie, and a Polaroid of the tomato plant that I planted last spring because I'm worried it may have snails. Oh, and if you see that neighbor Lena from down the hall I want you to roll your eyes and say the word "Slut" under your breath, but loud enough so she can hear. And don't forget to be home by 6:30, because you gotta give Jack his bath before you make me dinner!
Dr. Cox: But when will I have time to kill myself?
Jordan: That's not my problem!

Dr. Cox: That was a coincidence.
Nurse Roberts: What?
Dr. Cox: That knife! It just happened to go into the exact right spot. You do not get a win for dumb luck!
Nurse Roberts: Look, if that's the way you choose to see the world, then so be it. But don't you dare try to take this away from me! I've been coming in here every day for 24 years, watching children die and seeing good people suffer. And if I quit believing that there was a bigger plan behind all this, well, I would just not be able to show up tomorrow, so just stop it!
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry.
Nurse Roberts: It's okay. You'd be surprised how many bad things happen around here for a reason.
Dr. Cox: Well, I wish I could believe that.
Nurse Roberts: It was awful that Jordan had to have prenatal surgery, but how have you two been since then?
Dr. Cox: Better than ever.
Nurse Roberts: Good night.

J.D.: [v.o.] She didn't help things by bringing up Kelso's dead dog.
Elliot: Oh, come on, you brought Baxter to the hospital, when he was alive.
Dr. Kelso: Did you want to ask me something?
Carla: Can a doctor bring a patient's dog into the hospital for a visit?
Dr. Kelso: I'm going to say the same thing I said to my new gardener when he asked me for Easter off. "No way, Jose." His name's actually Jose. That's why I hired him.

Elliot: Dr. Kelso, I need to talk to you, and I know that you won't speak to me, but that's okay, because I just need you to listen. You're a scary, scary man, and because I've been petrified of you I've stayed up every night for five years studying medical books, which I can pretty much now recite in my sleep. I don't have a husband, or kids, and the last movie I went to see was The Blair Witch Project, which is the main reason I've stopped camping. That and the time a wolf mounted me. My point is you've helped push me to become the doctor that I am today. And for that, I want to thank you. One more thing, I'm sure that no dog could ever replace Baxter, but this little guy needs a home. If you decide that you don't want him, just bring him back to me. [dog barks]

Turk: You know what sucks about having a hot nanny, I can't even look at Heather without Carla going ballistic.
Todd: Skeptical air five! She can't be that hot.
Turk: Oh, really, because I just so happen to have a video from my nanny-cam, that begs to differ.
Ted: My mom put a nanny-cam in our bathroom, she said my baths were too long.

Carla: Hey, baby! What are you guys watching?
Turk: [pauses video] Football.
All: Yeah, football. [Turk turns the TV off]
Carla: Football? Isn't the season over?
J.D.: [v.o.] And then, every male in the room felt totally in sync, resulting in the rarest of all phenomenon: The seamless, collaborative, guy lie.
Keith: The American season is over. We're watching Mexican football.
Doug: It started late this year.
Todd: Because of the Churro vendors.
Ted: They went on strike and the players wouldn't cross the picket line.
J.D.: When the dispute turned violent, they called in Rodrigo Vasquez, the owner of the Baja Banditos, to step in.
Dr. Kelso: Thank to Senor Vasquez's experience dealing with the fruit pickers' unions, he was able to broker a last-minute deal and the season was salvaged.
Turk: And that's why we're watchin' football in this spring.
Carla: Whatever.
J.D.: [v.o.] And then Turk gave us the slightest of nods which was the universal men's sign for: "Well done, men, she'll never know".
[Turk sits down on the remote and accidentally plays the video]
Carla: Turk, what the hell?

Dr. Cox: It's infuriating. I must break her.
Jordan: That feels so god. I can't believe I'm about to say this, Per, but what the hell, you know how I can never use the word "love" except in a sarcastic way like, "I love other people's kids!", or, "I love that haircut!" By the way, love that haircut, Per!
Dr. Cox: Everybody does.
Jordan: I just wanted to let you know that, you've really been there for me these past few weeks and I'm really glad I have you.
Dr. Cox: That was embarrassing for you.
Jordan: I know and I don't care.

Turk: All right, look, I need you to do me a solid. Ask Heather out on a date.
J.D.: Don't worry, buddy. You know how I roll. I start with a couple off-the-cuff jokes just like that one. Next step, I need you to find out if she's allergic to anything. That way I'll say, "I'm allergic to the same thing." Women love that, "Gluten, me too! We can eat together." Thirdly, if I lose a patient, I'll be able to cry like I've just watched Extreme Home Makeover. If everything goes according to plan I should be out with her on a casual, not a real date, just two friends having a beer, talking about their lives thing, in about seven to nine weeks.
Turk: I need you to ask her on a date right now. I never told you this before, but anytime you hook up with a chick, she automatically becomes hideous to me.
J.D.: Really?
Elliot: Hey, guys.
[fantasy: Elliot has a hairy chest and a bearded man face:]
Elliot: Have you seen Carla?
Turk: Yes, she just went outside.
Elliot: Thanks. I'm having a horrible freaking day.
Turk: I'd say. You don't see that?

Elliot: So, I'd just bring the dog in for a quick visit, it would mean the world to her.
J.D.: [v.o.] Ever since Elliott went into private practice, Dr. Kelso refused to speak to her. He wouldn't say hello.
[outside the hospital:]
Elliot: Good morning Dr. Kelso!
J.D.: [v.o.] He wouldn't even say "Watch out for that bucket".
[in the corridor:]
Elliot: See ya, I gotta go give that endocrinology lecture.
[Elliot trips as her foot gets caught in the bucket. The hook-handed security guard, Leonard, tries to break her fall, but instead rips her top up.]
Leonard: I gotcha. My bad.
J.D.: [v.o.] But Elliott didn't let it get to her.
[Elliot gives a presentation in her bra:]
Elliot: Okay, let's talk about topic ACTH-secreting tumors. Guys, cellphones off, please.
Men: [groan]

Elliot: Janitor, thank you so much for helping me sneak Boomer in again, today.
Janitor: No problem. I once snuck a mongoose in this thing to kill all the snakes.
Elliot: Why were there snakes in here?
Janitor: I once snuck them in to kill all the mice.
Dr. Kelso: Where's the disinfectant, Lurch? I spilled soda on my desk this morning and now it's all sticky.
Janitor: [drinking] Well, I'm not allowed. Here, use this.
Dr. Kelso: You want me to clean soda with soda?
Janitor: Are you questioning the way I do my job? Did I question you when you did iliac bone marrow autopsy and failed to anesthetize the periosteum properly?
Dr. Kelso: No. No, you didn't. [dog barks]
Janitor: Hey. Hey, the little fellow figured out the latch. Just like the snakes.