- Main Characters
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- Jill Tracy
- Dr. Molly Clock
John J.D. Dorian Quotes Page 1 of 62
Quote from My Missed Perception
Mrs. Wilk: I choose Dr. Dorian.
J.D.: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I don't even believe it! I don't believe it-lieve it-lieve it! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yes! I'm shaking! Look at this! It's crazy-talk!
Mrs. Wilk: He played hearts with me all night.
Dr. Cox: [groans]
Mrs. Wilk: You're a very strange man, aren't you?
J.D.: I was a preemie.
Quote from My Long Goodbye
Dr. Cox: What the hell am I gonna do?
J.D.: [v.o.] Unfortunately for Dr. Cox, that's when Elliot walked by and showcased her oddest talent.
Elliot: Somebody just had a baby.
Dr. Cox: How do you know?
Elliot: My uterus is glowing.
J.D.: My mom had an uterus. I lived in it.
Quote from My Interpretation
J.D.: Look... Janitor, I'm gonna be straight with you. I saw your penis and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
Janitor: When did you see my penis?
J.D.: Last night, when you were showering.
Janitor: Where were you?
J.D.: Oh, I was outside in the bushes. Look, it was just a coincidence, man. If you had looked out the window you would have seen my penis.
Janitor: What?! Why?!
J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours.
Quote from My Screw Up
Dr. Cox: Shower Shortz?
J.D.: For the man who has nothing to hide, but still wants to.
Quote from My Old Friend's New Friend
J.D.: You know, Molly, I appreciate the offer, but there's a very special doctor I use around here when I need help, and he'd be pretty pissed if I didn't come to him first.
Dr. Cox: Why, Mariska? Why do you insist on bothering me with these things?
J.D.: Please, you know you love it. Now, come on, one more time for nostalgia's sake: You come see my patient, you teach me a lesson, and then the music plays, right? In my head, it sounds like this... [hums Scrubs sad melody]
Carla: Dr. Cox, can I borrow you for a minute?
Dr. Cox: Borrow me? Dear heart, you'd be rescuing me. Newbie, you're on your own. Get used to it.
[The Scrubs sad melody plays]
J.D.: [hums along]
Quote from My Quarantine
Kylie: So, uh, what's wrong with this guy?
J.D.: Well, let's see. Fatigue, fever, malaise. Have you been to Hong Kong, sir?
J.D.: [v.o.] And then I said something stupid.
J.D.: Could be SARS.
J.D.: [v.o.] I forgot that if any doctor suspects SARS, it's cause for immediate quarantine lockdown.
[fantasy: Indiana Jones theme plays as sirens blare and doors shutter across the I.C.U. Jordan, now wearing a fedora, dives under the shutter as it closes]
Dr. Cox: What have you done, Newbie?
Danni: [holding a flask] Quarantinis, anyone?
Quote from My Fruit Cups
Janitor: Yep, we got him. And he's gonna pay.
J.D.: They're actually arresting him for stealing pudding and toilet paper?
Janitor: No, they found 20 bottles of Vicodin in his backpack. Did you steal pudding and toilet paper?
J.D.: What? No! I hate pudding and I don't use toilet paper. I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt.
J.D.: Bidet to you, sir.
Quote from My Old Lady
Mrs. Tanner: Listen, Dr. Dorian, there is not one thing I regret as I lay here right now. I'm ready. I really am.
J.D.: You have had an amazing life.
Mrs. Tanner: Good. Now we agree. Aren't there other patients you need to be seeing?
J.D.: Me? No, I've been off for two hours.
Mrs. Tanner: So with your precious free time, you've been sitting in a hospital room talking to an old lady. What about your list? How many of these things have you done? For that matter, how many times have you sat on the grass and done nothing, hmm? You need to start taking some time for yourself, young man. Promise me you'll do that.
J.D.: I will.
Mrs. Tanner: Good. Now, get outta here. Go on.
Quote from My Heavy Meddle
J.D.: You are not gonna believe what Dr. Cox- It's you.
Elliot: Yeah. It's me.
J.D.: [v.o.] Ugh. Could Turk have picked anyone worse to be doing this project with?
Janitor: If this is a peripheral vascular disease study, then I'd find it essential to exclude all claudication patients not currently on pentoxifylline. What are you lookin' at?
Quote from My New Old Friend
Turk: Where the hell is Carla? Man, we're gonna miss the previews.
J.D.: Hey, you're black, right?
Turk: Here we go.
J.D.: I hate that stereotype that all black people yell at movie screens. You know, like you go see some horror flick and you'd be yelling, "Don't go in there, girl! He behind the door!" You know? It's like, it's offensive.
Turk: You wish you were allowed to yell at the screen, don't ya?
J.D.: Why does she go in there? I mean, he's behind the door!