Mrs. Wilk: I choose Dr. Dorian.
J.D.: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I don't even believe it! I don't believe it-lieve it-lieve it! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yes! I'm shaking! Look at this! It's crazy-talk!
Mrs. Wilk: He played hearts with me all night.
Dr. Cox: [groans]
Mrs. Wilk: You're a very strange man, aren't you?
J.D.: I was a preemie.

Dr. Cox: What the hell am I gonna do?
J.D.: [v.o.] Unfortunately for Dr. Cox, that's when Elliot walked by and showcased her oddest talent.
Elliot: Somebody just had a baby.
Dr. Cox: How do you know?
[fantasy:]
Elliot: My uterus is glowing.
J.D.: My mom had an uterus. I lived in it.

J.D.: Look... Janitor, I'm gonna be straight with you. I saw your penis and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
Janitor: When did you see my penis?
J.D.: Last night, when you were showering.
Janitor: Where were you?
J.D.: Oh, I was outside in the bushes. Look, it was just a coincidence, man. If you had looked out the window you would have seen my penis.
Janitor: What?! Why?!
J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours.

Dr. Cox: Shower Shortz?
J.D.: For the man who has nothing to hide, but still wants to.

J.D.: You know, Molly, I appreciate the offer, but there's a very special doctor I use around here when I need help, and he'd be pretty pissed if I didn't come to him first.
[later:]
Dr. Cox: Why, Mariska? Why do you insist on bothering me with these things?
J.D.: Please, you know you love it. Now, come on, one more time for nostalgia's sake: You come see my patient, you teach me a lesson, and then the music plays, right? In my head, it sounds like this... [hums Scrubs sad melody]
Carla: Dr. Cox, can I borrow you for a minute?
Dr. Cox: Borrow me? Dear heart, you'd be rescuing me. Newbie, you're on your own. Get used to it.
[The Scrubs sad melody plays]
J.D.: [hums along]

Kylie: So, uh, what's wrong with this guy?
J.D.: Well, let's see. Fatigue, fever, malaise. Have you been to Hong Kong, sir?
Man: Yeah.
J.D.: [v.o.] And then I said something stupid.
J.D.: Could be SARS.
J.D.: [v.o.] I forgot that if any doctor suspects SARS, it's cause for immediate quarantine lockdown.
[fantasy: Indiana Jones theme plays as sirens blare and doors shutter across the I.C.U. Jordan, now wearing a fedora, dives under the shutter as it closes]
Dr. Cox: What have you done, Newbie?
Danni: [holding a flask] Quarantinis, anyone?

Janitor: Yep, we got him. And he's gonna pay.
J.D.: They're actually arresting him for stealing pudding and toilet paper?
Janitor: No, they found 20 bottles of Vicodin in his backpack. Did you steal pudding and toilet paper?
J.D.: What? No! I hate pudding and I don't use toilet paper. I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt.
Janitor: Bidet?
J.D.: Bidet to you, sir.

J.D.: You are not gonna believe what Dr. Cox- It's you.
Elliot: Yeah. It's me.
J.D.: [v.o.] Ugh. Could Turk have picked anyone worse to be doing this project with?
[fantasy:]
Janitor: If this is a peripheral vascular disease study, then I'd find it essential to exclude all claudication patients not currently on pentoxifylline. What are you lookin' at?

Turk: Where the hell is Carla? Man, we're gonna miss the previews.
J.D.: Hey, you're black, right?
Turk: Here we go.
J.D.: I hate that stereotype that all black people yell at movie screens. You know, like you go see some horror flick and you'd be yelling, "Don't go in there, girl! He behind the door!" You know? It's like, it's offensive.
Turk: You wish you were allowed to yell at the screen, don't ya?
J.D.: Why does she go in there? I mean, he's behind the door!

J.D.: You see that, that right there? That has never happened to me. A hot girl has never asked to buy me a drink. [to the bartender] Appletini, please. Easy on the tini.
Bartender: No problem, lady.