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31Quotes from ‘My Last Words’

Scrubs: My Last Words

802. My Last Words

Aired January 6, 2009

Turk and J.D. skip "Steak Night" to hang out with a dying patient who has no family.

Quote from Ted

George: Hey, guys, I assume you've already met my sharp, young lawyer who is gonna help me with my will.
Ted: You said I could help you. All this work for nothing. [rips paper]
J.D.: Ted! Ted! He means you.
Ted: Oh, man! I did this on my typewriter. I'll be back in 11 hours.

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Quote from Denise

J.D.: [v.o.] I know it seems callous to leave, but whoever takes care of George tonight will be just as compassionate as us.
Denise: Mr. Valentine, I'm Dr. Mahoney. My attending really wants me to connect with my patients so if it's okay with you, I'd thought I'd get the ball rolling in a personal story.
George: Okay, you can call me George.
Denise: Awesome, I'm feeling it. So George, last Friday, I'm at a bar. I take this guy home. He's a little fat, whatever, right? Plus, chubsters are so grateful, they usually try harder. Anyway, right in the middle of things, he's sweating and snorting like a hairy rhino. And I just start to hate myself. Like really, really hate myself. So without even thinking, I just headbutt him, right in the face. Bam, clock him in between the eyes and knock him out cold. So, that's what I got. What do you got going on?
George: I like golf.
J.D.: [v.o.] When you get down to it, taking care of a patient means more than anything. Even Steak Night.
Turk: Hey, George.
J.D.: We'll take it from here, chuckles.
Turk: Yeah. So long.
George: I think I just saw the Devil.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: And what did you guys do for a living?
George: Barbara taught history. I coached football.
Turk: I played football. Yeah, defense, safety.
George: You?
J.D.: Oh no, I-I didn't, uh, I didn't play sports, per se, George. I was the, uh, mascot for the girls' volleyball team.
George: Really? You wear a costume?
J.D.: Oh, great costume, I wore a bandanna and a half-shirt. At away games, I wear spurs, which, in retrospective, is sort of weird 'cause we weren't the Cowboys.
George: You must have looked very beautiful.
J.D.: I felt beautiful.

Quote from Jordan

Dr. Maddox: Hi. I'm trying to keep a non-medical personnel from coming back here. I'm the Chief of Medicine.
Jordan: And I'm the Chief of Slag Smacking, so I'd keep moving if I were you.
Dr. Maddox: That's very clever.
Jordan: Being clever is not how I got the job. Smacking slags is.
J.D.: [v.o.] Unfortunately for Jordan, Dr. Maddox can zero in on someone's biggest insecurity.
Dr. Maddox: You're old.
Jordan: Oh!

Quote from Denise

J.D.: For starters, I heard he smokes plants. Still, I need you to connect with your patients, okay? If they need some sympathy, dig down in your soul and find some?
Denise: Yo, Mr. Harris? Sucks you'll never walk again.
Man: [o.s.] Hell yeah, it does.
Denise: Better, right?
J.D.: No, no, Jo. He lost his feet.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Dude. You've seen the new administrative assistant?
J.D.: [v.o.] For some reason, whenever I see a pretty girl, for the first time, I always imagine her hair blowing in slow-mo. [woman's hair blows] Unfortunately, Turk knows this, so I have to snap out of it before he messes with me.
[Turk tries to clamp a peg to J.D.'s face]
J.D.: Heya! Too slow.
Turk: Dude, I almost had you.
J.D.: Well, score one for J-Dizzle.
[J.D. realizes the pen in his hand has been replaced with a hot dog]
Turk: Ha, hot dog pin! Count it, honkey-face.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Listen, you shouldn't be wasting your calories on hot dogs, anyways. For God's sakes, Steak Night is five minutes away.
Turk: Hey. Shall we sing?
J.D.: [v.o.] The Steak Night song was to be sung every Steak Night that had been for the last decade.
J.D.: All clear!
J.D.: [v.o.] The dance was new.
Both: [singing] We're going to Steak Night! We're going to eat it right. Steak is such a treat. It is the world's best We're going to Steak Night! We're going to eat it right.
Nurse: Excuse me, doctors!
J.D.: What is your problem, lady?
Turk: What the heck, yo? Listen to me.
J.D.: We like to do a thing.
Turk: You don't interrupt people-
J.D.: All right, calm down, calm down. We'll finish in the bathroom at the restaurant.

Quote from J.D.

George: Mmm. Nothing like the taste of fresh bag.
J.D.: I just picked it this morning.
George: The only thing that would make it any better is if it was being hooked up by that foxy, little dish over there.
[fantasy: J.D. imagines the elderly, walker-using patient, with her hair blowing back]
J.D.: Damn, my psyche.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: So, Mr. Valentine.
George: Call me George.
Turk: George. What are you in for?
J.D.: [v.o.] We think of hospitals as places where people go to heal. But they're are also places where people go to die. And George was definitely going soon.
J.D.: Ischemic bowel disease. I'm so sorry.
George: Oh hey, I've lived to 70 plus years and I've had a great old time while I was here.
J.D.: [v.o.] He's over 70? Black people have the greatest skin. [J.D. tries to stroke Turk's skin]
Turk: No.

Quote from J.D.

George: But honestly, I don't know why people are so afraid of dying.
Turk: Tell me about it. When you're around death as much as we are, you kinda lose your fear of it.
J.D.: It's one of the benefits of working here. Look, we're on our way out to dinner, but is there anything we can get you before we go?
George: I'd kill for a cigar. You know, I'm dying and I'm not allowed to have a cigar? What are the nurses thinks gonna happen?
J.D.: They're probably thinking you could accidentally ignite that oxygen tank and it would blow up the whole I.C.U, pretty much killing everybody here.
Turk: Boom!
George: How about a beer?

Quote from J.D.

Turk: I'm just saying, who behaves that way at a mini-mart?
J.D.: I'm sorry, Turk, but when I put that single beer down in the counter and the 18-year-old check-out kid is like, "Oh, big night!" It just pissed me off! You know, I mean Who was he to judge us? He needs to know we're not two lame-o's with nothing going on.
Turk: So that's why you bought that box of condoms and a flare gun.
J.D.: Exactly. Now whenever he thinks of us, he'll picture us putting a beer, sexing up the ladies and shooting off flares. You know, like men do.
Turk: That does sound pretty awesome.
J.D.: I knew you'd come around!

Quote from J.D.

George: Oh God, that tastes good! You guys gonna join me, right?
Turk: Nah, they kinda frown on doctors drinking beer here.
J.D.: And plus, I'm allergic to barley.
Turk: Wait, I've seen you drink beer before.
J.D.: And every time I did, I had to have an antihistamine first.
Turk: I don't remember that.
J.D.: Fine, Turk, I'll tell George the truth. Even though I'm a man, I don't like beer. I prefer Appletinis, they make me feel fancy. There. You hurt, and embarrassed me. Are you happy?
Turk: A little bit.

Quote from Ted

Turk & J.D.: [sings] We're going to Steak Night. We're gonna eat it right.
J.D.: Ted, 3-part harmony!
Turk, J.D. & Ted: [sings] Steak is such a treat, it is the world's best meat.
Ted: Big finish!
J.D.: [sings] Steak Night!
Turk: [sings] Night.
Ted: [sings] Night.
Ted: Hot dang, just like a choir!

Quote from J.D.

George: So, what happened to dinner?
J.D.: [v.o.] We don't want George to feel like he was a burden, so we had to come up with a great excuse.
Turk: A giant oak tree fell on the restaurant.
George: What restaurant?
J.D.: Steak Cookers.
Turk: Maestros.
J.D.: Maestros.
George: Oh man, I used to eat there all the time.
J.D.: [v.o.] Turk's upset because he thinks when George gets outta here he'll drive to Maestros and see that we lied. Now he's relieved because he remembered that George is about to die and he's never leaving here. And now he feels guilty for thinking that thought and he wants to punish himself physically but he can't because we're with a patient. [J.D. kicks Turk]
Turk: Dude, what the hell?
J.D.: You wanted me to do that. You know it.
Turk: Okay, fine. Thank you.

Quote from Jordan

Jordan: Can we go? Cougars only drink free till 9.
Dr. Maddox: What about MILF's?
Jordan: Oh, I forgot I had kids.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Step two: Just keep babbling until he finally opens up.
J.D.: I don't know how I wanna go, but I do know what I want down with my remains.
[fantasy: Carla and Turk are sitting on the couch. Turk is holding an urn in his hands:]
Carla: Are you really comfortable watching TV like this?
Turk: Is it Rowdy?
Carla: No.
Turk: Is it J.D.?
[A stuffed J.D. is on all fours on the floor next to Rowdy]
Carla: Yes!
Turk: You'll get used to it. [opens urn] Pretzel?
Carla: You gotta stop bringing him into our bedroom.
[reality:]
J.D.: I'll teach you how to do my hair.
Turk: I already know how to do your hair.
J.D.: It's not an Afro, Turk, you can't just pick it.

Quote from J.D.

George: I'll tell you one thing. I sure didn't think I'd go like this.
J.D.: [v.o.] Now that George was talking, he went to a question everyone goes to first.
George: So, tell me, do you think there's anything after this life?
J.D.: Definitely.
Turk: He already has our first day in heaven planned out.
J.D.: We'll start with a dip in the milkshake pool, then we'll work our way over to the cloud where beautiful women spend quality time with one another. You know, in a special way.
George: Like, a lesbian cloud?
J.D.: Not like a lesbian cloud, George. An actual cloud, full of lesbians. [George laughs]
Turk: I just hope I die before my wife so I can have some fun up there.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, when Carla dies, heaven is going to suck!

Quote from Turk

George: That's all very nice. But we can't know for sure.
Turk: I know for sure. I'm a man of faith, George. I've seen people come back from the brink of death. And you'd be surprised how many of them say the same thing. They saw a white light and were overcome with the feeling of peace. That's what comforts me.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Hey, Mr. Valentine! I re-did your will on a computer and to make it less depressing, I used a fun font.
J.D.: Really, Ted? A fun font?
George: Ooh, I like seeing my name in squigglies.
Ted: Oh, yeah. That's the font! Recognize!
J.D.: What's happening?
Turk: It's this new thing Ed came up with.
Elliot: When you disrespect someone, and they, in turn, burn your ass you must recognize!
J.D.: Fine, Ted, I recognize.
Ted: Hell, yeah!
All: Hell, yeah.

Quote from J.D.

George: Hard to believe. My whole life goes down to these four pages. I wonder if anybody would remember me?
Turk: Come on, George.
J.D.: When my dad died, I thought my brother and I were gonna be the only two to remember him. I was totally wrong. When we were, uh, growing up, there was this one homeless guy in our town. We used to call him Mr. Long-beard Stinky-pants. Uh, because he had this really long beard and, uh, his pants-
Turk: He gets it.
J.D.: They were stinky. Anyway, every time we went out to dinner, my father would make us give him our left-overs. My mom hated that. She used to be like, "He's just gonna use those pork-chops for drugs." My mom drank a lot. The point is, a couple months ago, I-I went home and there's this clean-shaven guy working in the pizzeria. He takes me aside, and says, "Your father was a great man." It was Mr. Long-beard Stinky-pants. Although now he prefers Kevin. Anyway, George, I- I promise you, people are gonna remember you the same way.
George: Thank you very much.

Quote from Denise

Denise: Wow, it's kind of emotional in here. You guys keep this up eventually, you'll all get your periods on the same day, which is kinda cool.
J.D.: Denise, a quick word. Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and ban you from Mr. Valentine's room.
Denise: Whatever. All the patients are stable, so I'm just gonna go catch some Z's in the on-call room.
J.D.: Who's the chubster?
Denise: I don't know. [to the man] Meet me in the on-call room, pants down, lights off.
Man: I just want to say, I am so psyched that you called me back-
Denise: No, no, no talking. And if you touch me too much, God help me, I will headbutt you again.
Man: I love you.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: And finally, George only had one fear left to tackle.
George: At the end, is it gonna hurt?
Turk: No, we'll manage any pain you have.
George: But how is it gonna happen exactly? Maybe if I knew what was coming, I'd be able to handle it better.
J.D.: Well, uh, eventually, it will become harder for you to breathe. But you won't be gasping for air, you'll just feel more drowsy. And as the rest of your organs, begin to fail, you'll just,sort of... go.
George: I'll just go? I like that.
J.D.: [v.o.] And there it was, the fear was gone and all the remain was acceptance.
[George begins tear up]
George: No. No, I know what you guys are trying to do, I just can't get over the fact that one minute I'm here and the next, I'm not?
J.D.: [v.o.] And that's when Turk and I told George how we really felt.
J.D.: George, I'm terrified of dying.
Turk: Me too.
George: Then why'd you lie?
J.D.: We fight death for a living every single day. We can't let it know we're afraid of it or it will kick our ass.
George: There we are. Everybody's scared.

Quote from J.D.

George: Well, then what in the hell do I have to hope for?
J.D.: Well, if it were me, I would just hope that my last thought was a good one.
George: What, that's it?
J.D.: That's it.
George: You thought that was deep? That was- That wasn't deep.
Turk: Sorry.
George: I'm over here dying. That's all- That's all you can come up with? [laughs]

Quote from J.D.

George: Hey, guys. I'm getting a little tired.
Turk: Okay, well, take a quick nap.
George: You guys will be here when I wake up?
J.D.: Of course.
George: Hey, man. That beer tasted great.
J.D.: [v.o.] George never did wake up. And even all that talking didn't make death any easier. At least, not for us. Maybe in the end, all you can really hope for is that your last thought is a nice one. Even if it's just about the taste of an ice, cold beer.
[Turk and J.D. have a beer on the roof:]
Turk: George was right. This beer is good.
J.D.: I wouldn't know. I don't really like beer.
J.D.: Goodbye, George. [fires flare]


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