Dr. Cox: You know, Bob, I've been thinking about all the times you've manipulated me and toyed with me, and well, I can't help but recall that children's fable about the race between the tortoise and the pain-in-the-ass chief of medicine that everybody hates. You see, Bob, the pain-in-the-ass chief of medicine that everybody hates kept running in front of the tortoise and taunting him, but right at the end... Oh, gosh, I'm sure you remember what happened, Bob. The tortoise bit clean through the chief of medicine's calf muscle, dragged him to the ground where he and the other turtles devoured him alive right there on the racetrack. It's a disturbing children's book, Bob, I know, but it's one that's stuck with me nonetheless.

Dr. Kelso: Buzzy, buzz, buzz.
Dr. Cox: I beg your pardon.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, that's the sound of all the bees in your bonnet. And, Perry, even though I could give a rat's ass, I still think it's a pretty sound.

Elliot: [on the phone] Sorry, Mom. It's just, it's gotten really awkward with this guy I was seeing. And... Yes, Mom Yay! I'm straight. Look, I just don't know what to do. Every time I see him, I get so embarrassed. And lonely, and mortified, and I guess I was hoping that you could... About 115 pounds. Fen-phen kills people, Mom. Because I'm a doctor. That's how I know.

J.D.: [v.o.] Call it wishful thinking, but I couldn't shake this feeling that this was nothing more than a very, very bad dream. [wakes up]
Turk: Good morning, tiger.
J.D.: [v.o.] Of course, I've been wrong before.
J.D.: How could you let a woman kick you out of your bed?
Turk: Baby, why you gotta be so cranky in the mornings?
J.D.: This is unacceptable. You said we were going to sleep head to foot.
Turk: Dude, either way, the naughty bits are still in the middle.
J.D.: Yeah, but with the head to foot alignment, there's no way for them to lock in.
Turk: Could you be more homophobic?
J.D.: I'm not.
[Turk pulls the covers off to reveal J.D. slept fully-clothed in his scrubs]

Carla: I can't remember the last time I was in this foul a mood.
J.D.: [J.D. makes Rowdy hump his leg] Rowdy, no.
Carla: Is that supposed to cheer me up? Who would laugh at that?
Turk: Yeah, Rowdy, hit that! [laughs]

J.D.: [v.o.] I just wish one of my relationships could be back to normal.
Janitor: Oh, looks like someone switched to big-boy pants a little too soon.
J.D.: Oh, that's very clever. It looks like I wet myself. Do you actually think that's funny?
Janitor: [sprays again] Yeah. [laughs]
J.D.: Good God, that's cold.

J.D.: [v.o.] Life in a hospital is made up of highs and lows. For instance, my spare pair of scrubs doesn't match, but I put my underwear in the microwave to dry them off and they feel good!
Nurse Roberts: What are you smiling at?

J.D.: Can I have Mr. Buckley's chart?
Nurse Roberts: No problem. I keep it right down there in the "get it yourself" file.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian. Here you go, whizz kid.
J.D.: Oh, is that my new nickname? Because I actually thought people were going to start calling me that in high school when I was in our production The Wiz. It was a sort of hip version of The Wizard of OZ. Nipsey Russell played the Tin Man. [singing] Ease on down, Ease on down the road [talking] Remember that? No? Well, anyway, kids can be mean and everyone just started calling me Dorothy. High school was hard.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, I'm sorry, sport. I was thinking about soup.

Dr. Kelso: Now, Mr. Zerbo was admitted with a high fever and suspected meningitis. But the head CT and the lumbar puncture came back negative.
J.D.: Yeah, sir, I have a full patient load. And I don't understand how you can just drop this guy on my lap and expect me to make him a top priority.
Dr. Kelso: You want me to say "ta-dah" so it seems more like a trick? Mr. Zerbo back there is a major hospital benefactor and, by golly, you know it's a lot harder to write a big, fat check if you're dead.