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34Quotes from ‘My First Step’

Scrubs: My First Step

207. My First Step

Aired November 7, 2002

When Elliot is unsure whether to send a patient to surgery, J.D. suggests a wait-and-see approach. Turk encourages Carla to go to nurse practitioners' school. Meanwhile, Dr. Cox is irritated by the presence of a drug rep, Julie (guest star Heather Locklear).

Quote from Dr. Cox

Julie: Plomox is the most effective anti-arrhythmic drug on the market right now, and it has minimal side effects, only nausea, impotence, and anal leakage.
Dr. Cox: I'm getting two out of three just from the conversation.

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Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: There is no one I hate more than that Medusa. She is everything that's wrong with medecine. Even knowing that she's here in the hospital makes me want to tear someone's head off.
Elliot: Dr. Cox, is this a good time? Because I have a teeny-weeny question about Mrs. Kahn's necrotizing fasciitis.
Dr. Cox: For you, Barbie, anything.
Elliot: Super.
Dr. Cox: But first, an interesting side note. I actually had my physical last week, and while my cholesterol was low, my blood pressure was through the roof. Needless to say, my physician was stumped. But now, thank God, you've helped to solve that riddle, because the instant I heard your shrill voice whining about a "teeny-weeny problem," oh, it took every ounce of self-restraint I had to keep blood from shooting out my ears.
Elliot: Doesn't it seem like in the time that it took you to say all that, you could have just helped me instead.
Dr. Cox: Well, yes, it does, but here, that's what makes it delicious.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: Taking off?
Janitor: Yeah. If that's OK.
J.D.: That's fine.
Janitor: You know, I just wanted to sneak out for an hour and see my kid's fourth-grade play, but you caught me.
J.D.: No. No catchies.
Janitor: No, no, I think you're right. From now on, before I do anything, I'll make sure to run it by you first. Permission to go see my kid's attempt to overcome his crippling shyness by appearing in his fourth grade class's production of Town without a Turkey?
J.D.: I gotta get back to work.
Janitor: Back to work. Message received.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: So, Mr. Brooks is doing peachy, huh?
Carla: Peachy keen.
Dr. Kelso: Great. Great. A patient's improvement is always cause for celebration here at Sacred Heart, and yet, for some reason, I'm not wearing a party hat, sitting bare-ass on the hospital's copier machine. You know why? It's not because I have the name "Johnny" tattooed on my butt. He's an old sailor buddy and if you went through what we did, you'd understand. It's because somebody went ahead and increased Mr. Brooks's Lidocaine drip, and by law that could only be a doctor. Are you a doctor, Nurse Espinosa? Well?
Carla: No, sir.
Dr. Kelso: You're damn right you're not.

Quote from Todd

Todd: Speaking of things that are perfectly fine... That was a compliment. Why won't any women talk to me?
Nurse: Because you're slimy and turn everything into a double entendre.
Todd: Not true.
Turk: Go ahead.
Todd: I'd like to double her entendre. Please. [Todd and Turk high-five]

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: I can't figure out what to do about Mrs. Kahn. I don't know if I should send her to surgery.
J.D.: Well, don't send her to surgery. I'll tell you what you do, you wait and see. And I know I'm right because I'm a wait-and-see kind of guy. You know, Elliot, in modern medicine, we're faced with tough decisions almost every day.
Elliot: You are amazing.
J.D.: Well, "amazing" is sort of a strong word. I just show up and let the Lord work through me.
Elliot: You actually think you're a better doctor than me, don't you?
J.D.: [v.o.] Well, I do have better bedside manner. I anticipate problems way ahead of time. Oh, and my hair never gets in my face. So, yes, yes, I do.
J.D.: No, I don't.
Elliot: [blows hair] Yes, you do. Every time you stare off into space like this, I know you're just thinking of something you're too afraid to say.
J.D.: Please, I never do this.
J.D.: [v.o.] Maybe she's upset because she knows I'm right.
Elliot: Oh, my God.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Finally, we have Dr. Reid's necrotizing fasciitis case. Deceased. Now, don't be frightened, sweetheart. No one's on trial here. At least not until the family sues your little behind.
Elliot: [laughs]
Dr. Kelso: Sweetie, I'm not joking. But should that happen, you may rest assured that the hospital will stand behind you 100 per cent.
Elliot: Thank you very much, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Now, see, there I was joking. Try to keep up.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Permission to speak, sir?
J.D.: You know what? No. No, you may not speak. Not now and not ever, OK? You have overplayed your hand and you may never talk to me again. Those are the rules of the game.
Janitor: Then I quit.
J.D.: No, no, no quitsies. Checkmate, gin, and Yahtzee, my friend.
Janitor: You know, my son used to love to play Yahtzee with me, until you made me skip his play. Now he won't eat.
J.D.: We've started a new game now, haven't we?
Janitor: Yeah, it's called "You don't eat until Timmy does."

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: You kids can talk more over the pharmaceutical dinner that you're helping her put together.
Dr. Cox: Don't do this to me, Bob.
Julie: Do it to him, Bob.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, we're going to need a big staff turnout, so don't take "no" for an answer.
Dr. Cox: You going there, chief?
Dr. Kelso: No. If I wanted to make small talk over low-grade beef, I'd have dinner at home.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Julie: Why does it have to be like this every time I come here? I mean, what is your problem with me?
Dr. Cox: OK, well, for starters, everyone here knows that you sell pills, and yet you use phrases like "take orally" and "increases blood flow" way, way too much. I mean, jeepers, Julie, do you understand you have half the doctors on this staff believing that if they join Team Plomox that they get an outside shot of you showing them the cotton inside your bottle. Would you like to know the real dirty, dirty little secret? It's that your drug is so damn good that you guys went ahead and put about a 600% mark-up on it. But, hey, the only ones who get hurt are the sick people, right? And since your company doesn't care about them and you're part of the system, that just means you don't care either. And that's what's making me sick. That's all.
Julie: Well, you can say what you want, Perry, but we both know that you'd love nothing more than to smack this fine ass. [slaps] Ooh, Perry. [slaps] Harder, Perry. [slaps] Ooh, don't stop, Perry. [slaps] Oh, Perry, that feels good.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Wow. A bus pass. Help me get off my bra.
Turk: That's not all. You'll use that bus pass for an all-expense paid trip to nurse practitioners' school, where you'll learn how to be more than just a nurse.
Carla: "Just a nurse?"
Turk: Did I say "just a nurse?" I meant a nurse. Honey, you were complaining about having to ask Dr. Wilder for permission just to feed a patient. And this way you'll have more responsibility, plus you'll make more money, - so I thought-
Carla: You thought that the only reason I've done my job for the last eight years is because someone didn't come along to hand me a brochure?
Turk: And a bus pass.
Carla: You're unbelievable.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: I mean, the kid thinks he's Evil Knievel.
Dr. Cox: Oh, gosh, Martha, I'd love to attend your safety camp this summer, I would, but here my parents are making me go to Maine with them. So what do you say you make sure you take a lot of pictures. So that when you get back, we can both sit down and make our "friends forever" collage. Come on, now. The kid's 16 years old. He's a little busted up. It's not that big a big deal. I mean, hell, when you were a kid, you must have cut your hand on your dollhouse.

Quote from Carla

Dr. Cox: How's meathead?
Carla: I know I'm not a doctor, but if you could order a strong anti-emetic, that'd be great.
Dr. Cox: For the record, you would ace that nurse practitioners program.
Carla: Really? You think so? What if the classes are too hard? What if the teachers are mean? What if the other kids don't like me?
Dr. Cox: OK.
Carla: Of course I would ace that program, but I barely get to see my boyfriend as it is. And if I went to class five nights a week, well I guess I'm taking my chances on Turk right now.
Dr. Cox: Him?
Turk: Somebody make it stop.
Carla: I just don't want to look back and wonder what could have been, you know?

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: Hey, Elliot, I'm sorry that I was such a jerk before, but, hey, I got mine, right? Anyway, thanks for being classier than I am and not rubbing it in my face.
Elliot: No problem. Hey, you never told me that you're part Native American.
J.D.: What are you talking about?
Elliot: Aren't you a member of the Waitensee tribe? Come on! I laughed so hard when I thought of that that I peed a little. [to the patient] I changed right after.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] As a doctor, you learn to use anything you can to keep a patient from getting hurt again.
J.D.: So, Mike, before we get you out of here, I think it's important we go over this one more time.
J.D.: [v.o.] Even their own home video.
J.D.: See, right about here is where you get hurt. [laughs] See, here you're not hurt. And then. Oh, good God! Hurt again. Not hurt, hurt. Baritone. Soprano. Married with two kids. Dying old-
Mike: Look, I get it, OK?
J.D.: OK. OK, Mike. That's all that matters. Victor. Victoria.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: Damn.
Turk: Damn.
Carla: Damn. What? She's hot.
J.D.: No, that's hot.
Turk: Baby, you know that fantasy I have of you, me, and a player to be named later?
Carla: Yeah, I'm fine. If it was someone like her, I'd go for it.
Turk: You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Elliot: I can't believe that you said that.
Carla: Oh, what? It's not like he's actually gonna do anything about it.
[Turk talks to Julie, who then waves at Carla:]
Turk: Hey, baby.
J.D.: Yeah, you can't ever give a guy that window.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Well, well. If it isn't the Captain & Tenille of the underworld.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: J.D., even though I decided to send Mrs. Kahn to surgery, I know that you were just trying to help me in your own sucky way and I overreacted. And that is something I've been working on in therapy to not do as much.
J.D.: I still think you should have gone with my wait-and-see approach.
Elliot: Well, you're not the boss of me!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: I'm not the boss of anyone around here.
Janitor: Permission to use the can, boss?
J.D.: Enough already. I'm not doing this. [Janitor does an awkward dance] Fine. Permission granted.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] I had to talk to Elliot before she went into the morbidity and mortality conference. Because nothing puts you in a worse mood than having to explain why your patient died. I just need an opportunity to talk to her when there's no possible way that she can interrupt me. Peanut-butter cracker! Go! Go! Go!
J.D.: Elliot, hey. What I said earlier came out completely the wrong way and I just want you to know that I act-
Elliot: [spits out cracker] Bite me.
J.D.: Oh, she's a crafty lass.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, God, this is painful. It's like watching a shark circle a baby harp seal.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid faced a very difficult decision and she chose an extremely risky course.
J.D.: [v.o.] He's like a royal python torturing a hopper mouse. Man, I love Animal Planet.
Dr. Kelso: I believe we all have a lesson to learn from Dr. Reid's case.
J.D.: [v.o.] And here comes the crushing blow.
Dr. Kelso: I say kudos to Dr. Reid.
J.D.: What-os to who?
Dr. Kelso: Without surgery, her patient didn't have a Popsicle's chance in hell. By making the tough choice, she at least gave Mrs. Kahn an honest shot. And now, for all of you wait-and-see doctors out there...
[fantasy: J.D. is alone in the seats:]
Dr. Kelso: If you do not get to the point where you have the courage to take risks, you will never be a great doctor.
J.D.: Never?
Dr. Kelso: Never ever.


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