Julie: Plomox is the most effective anti-arrhythmic drug on the market right now, and it has minimal side effects. Only nausea, impotence, and anal leakage.
Dr. Cox: I'm getting two out of three just from the conversation.

Dr. Cox: There is no one I hate more than that Medusa. She is everything that's wrong with medicine. Even knowing that she's here in the hospital makes me want to tear someone's head off.
Elliot: Dr. Cox, is this a good time? Because I have a teeny-weeny question about Mrs. Kahn's necrotizing fasciitis.
Dr. Cox: For you, Barbie, anything.
Elliot: Super.
Dr. Cox: But first, an interesting side note. I actually had my physical last week, and while my cholesterol was low, my blood pressure was through the roof. Needless to say, my physician was stumped. But now, thank God, you've helped to solve that riddle, because the instant I heard your shrill voice whining about a "teeny-weeny problem," oh, it took every ounce of self-restraint I had to keep blood from shooting out my ears.
Elliot: Doesn't it seem like in the time that it took you to say all that, you could have just helped me instead.
Dr. Cox: Well, yes, it does, but here, that's what makes it delicious.

J.D.: Taking off?
Janitor: Yeah. If that's OK.
J.D.: That's fine.
Janitor: You know, I just wanted to sneak out for an hour and see my kid's fourth-grade play, but you caught me.
J.D.: No. No catchies.
Janitor: No, no, I think you're right. From now on, before I do anything, I'll make sure to run it by you first. Permission to go see my kid's attempt to overcome his crippling shyness by appearing in his fourth grade class's production of Town without a Turkey?
J.D.: I gotta get back to work.
Janitor: Back to work. Message received.

Dr. Kelso: So, Mr. Brooks is doing peachy, huh?
Carla: Peachy keen.
Dr. Kelso: Great. Great. A patient's improvement is always cause for celebration here at Sacred Heart. And yet, for some reason, I'm not wearing a party hat, sitting bare-ass on the hospital's copier machine. You know why? It's not because I have the name "Johnny" tattooed on my butt. He's an old sailor buddy and if you went through what we did, you'd understand. It's because somebody went ahead and increased Mr. Brooks's Lidocaine drip, and by law that could only be a doctor. Are you a doctor, Nurse Espinosa? Well?
Carla: No, sir.
Dr. Kelso: You're damn right you're not.

Todd: Speaking of things that are perfectly fine... That was a compliment. Why won't any women talk to me?
Nurse: Because you're slimy and turn everything into a double entendre.
Todd: Not true.
Turk: Go ahead.
Todd: I'd like to double her entendre. Please. [Todd and Turk high-five]

Elliot: I can't figure out what to do about Mrs. Kahn. I don't know if I should send her to surgery.
J.D.: Well, don't send her to surgery. I'll tell you what you do, you wait and see. And I know I'm right because I'm a wait-and-see kind of guy. You know, Elliot, in modern medicine, we're faced with tough decisions almost every day.
Elliot: You are amazing.
J.D.: Well, "amazing" is sort of a strong word. I just show up and let the Lord work through me.
Elliot: You actually think you're a better doctor than me, don't you?
J.D.: [v.o.] Well, I do have better bedside manner. I anticipate problems way ahead of time. Oh, and my hair never gets in my face. So, yes, yes, I do.
J.D.: No, I don't.
Elliot: [blows hair] Yes, you do. Every time you stare off into space like this, I know you're just thinking of something you're too afraid to say.
J.D.: Please, I never do this.
J.D.: [v.o.] Maybe she's upset because she knows I'm right.
Elliot: Oh, my God.

Dr. Kelso: Finally, we have Dr. Reid's necrotizing fasciitis case. Deceased. Now, don't be frightened, sweetheart. No one's on trial here. At least not until the family sues your little behind.
Elliot: [laughs]
Dr. Kelso: Sweetie, I'm not joking. But should that happen, you may rest assured that the hospital will stand behind you 100 per cent.
Elliot: Thank you very much, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Now, see, there I was joking. Try to keep up.

Janitor: Permission to speak, sir?
J.D.: You know what? No. No, you may not speak. Not now and not ever, OK? You have overplayed your hand and you may never talk to me again. Those are the rules of the game.
Janitor: Then I quit.
J.D.: No, no, no quitsies. Checkmate, gin, and Yahtzee, my friend.
Janitor: You know, my son used to love to play Yahtzee with me, until you made me skip his play. Now he won't eat.
J.D.: We've started a new game now, haven't we?
Janitor: Yeah, it's called "You don't eat until Timmy does."

Dr. Kelso: You kids can talk more over the pharmaceutical dinner that you're helping her put together.
Dr. Cox: Don't do this to me, Bob.
Julie: Do it to him, Bob.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, we're going to need a big staff turnout, so don't take "no" for an answer.
Dr. Cox: You going there, chief?
Dr. Kelso: No. If I wanted to make small talk over low-grade beef, I'd have dinner at home.

Julie: Why does it have to be like this every time I come here? I mean, what is your problem with me?
Dr. Cox: OK, well, for starters, everyone here knows that you sell pills, and yet you use phrases like "take orally" and "increases blood flow" way, way too much. I mean, jeepers, Julie, do you understand you have half the doctors on this staff believing that if they join Team Plomox that they get an outside shot of you showing them the cotton inside your bottle. Would you like to know the real dirty, dirty little secret? It's that your drug is so damn good that you guys went ahead and put about a 600% mark-up on it. But, hey, the only ones who get hurt are the sick people, right? And since your company doesn't care about them and you're part of the system, that just means you don't care either. And that's what's making me sick. That's all.
Julie: Well, you can say what you want, Perry, but we both know that you'd love nothing more than to smack this fine ass. [slaps] Ooh, Perry. [slaps] Harder, Perry. [slaps] Ooh, don't stop, Perry. [slaps] Oh, Perry, that feels good.