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39Quotes from ‘My Bed Banter & Beyond’

Scrubs: My Bed Banter & Beyond

115. My Bed Banter & Beyond

Aired February 5, 2002

After hooking up, J.D. and Elliot spend the whole day in bed together eating a pizza. Back at the hospital, they adjust to their new relationship. Meanwhile, a psychologist interviews the hospital staff.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: I guess I became a doctor because ever since I was a little boy, I just wanted to help people. I don't tell this story very often, but I remember when I was seven years old, one time, I found a bird that had fallen out of its nest. So, I picked him up and I brought him home, and I made him a house out of an empty shoebox, and... [laughs] Oh, my God! [sighs] I became a doctor for the same four reasons everybody does: Chicks, money, power and chicks. But since HMOs have made it virtually impossible to make any real money, which directly affects the number of chicks who come sniffing around, and don't ask me what tree they're barking up, 'cause they're sure as hell not pissing on mine. And as far as power goes, well... Here I am during my free time letting some 13-year-old psychology fellow who couldn't cut it in real medicine ask me questions about my personal life. So here's the inside scoop there, pumpkin. Why don't you go ahead and tell me all about power?

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Quote from Carla

Carla: When I was little, my mom used to have what she called "episodes". "Episodes" is a flattering term for this thing where she'd sweat a lot and, well, let's just say her stomach talked. Anyway, this one time, we were at the supermarket and she actually passed out. And out of nowhere, this fancy-looking guy comes forward and tells everyone to step aside and give my mother some air. And everyone did. You have to understand, in my family, nobody ever listens to a word anyone else says. Even screaming at the top of our lungs, nothing. So when this man said, "Step aside", and everyone did, I asked my aunt, "Who is this guy?" And she said he was a doctor. And I thought, "Wow. I want to be a doctor too." But when I lost my first tooth and nobody left $180,000 under my pillow, I decided to become a nurse. We do all the real stuff anyway.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: When the Kelsonoviches settled in Monroeville, P.A., there were two steel mills, three bars, and not a doctor in sight. Then my old man set up a shingle and started delivering babies and stitching up three-fingered steel men by the wagonload. Everybody loved him. When they couldn't come up with the cash, he would gladly accept a handmade sweater or a bushel of turnips. [laughs] Jackass.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Enid has always understood how much my career meant to me. She knows I'm an important man in my field, and it helps her get on all those boards of things her friends are on. You know, like, bringing art to the underprivileged kids in the community, blah, blah, blah. When I first met her, she wanted to be a psychiatrist. But we both decided that that wasn't a fitting profession for a family woman. No offence, sweetheart. I know she's grateful. She likes to joke that I choked the last breath of life out of her long ago. Now she's just a shell of a woman. [laughs] I think that's so cute. I call her Shelly. [laughs] You know, when I call her that, sometimes she laughs so hard, she cries a little.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? Then they finally do and they're happy for ever. Give me a break. Nine out of ten end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones that get married get divorced anyway. And I'm telling you right now, through all this, I have not become a cynic. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies, and you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker. I don't care. Because I do... believe in it. Bottom line is couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else. But the big difference is, they don't let it take 'em down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time, if it's right and they're real lucky. One of 'em will say something.

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: I mean, how weird was that this morning? Have you ever been more uncomfortable in your entire life?
[flashback:]
Grandma: What movie are we watching?
J.D.: It's Basic Instinct, Grandma.
[present:]
J.D.: Yeah, once.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Bravo. Just a big bravo. Heaven help me, I love Newbie theatre. Honest, I do. It's the way you both play your parts with such wonderful commitment that almost had me believing that you aren't having whiny, neurotic, extremely pale sex with each other.
J.D.: What are you talking about?
Dr. Cox: Please stop. The whole floor knows. We do. Watch this. Laverne, did you know?
Nurse Roberts: Was it supposed to be a secret?
Dr. Cox: And Carla?
Carla: Please. I knew before they did.
Dr. Cox: So, there it is. And if you go ahead and listen very carefully, you'll hear the familiar sound of no one caring.
Janitor: I like that guy.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: And bam! The shine's off the apple. And that's when you find out that that pretty girl you married isn't a pretty girl at all. No. She's a man-eater. And I'm not talking about the "Whoa, whoa, here she comes" kind of man-eater. I'm talking about the kind that uses your dignity as a dishtowel to wipe up any shreds of manhood that might be stuck inside the sink. Of course, I may have tormented her from time to time, but honest to God I that's what I thought marriage was all about. So much so, that by the end of that relationship, I honestly don't know who I hated more: her or me. I used to sit around and wonder why our friends weren't trying to destroy each other like we were. And here it turns out the answer's pretty simple. They weren't unhappy. We were.

Quote from Turk

[split-screen video from the psychologist's tape:]
Turk: You want me to tell you about my girlfriend?
Carla: You want me to tell you about my boyfriend?
Turk: OK. I can be myself around Carla.
Carla: Turk makes me feel completely safe and totally independent at the same time.
Turk: And it's all the same, whether I'm with her or with my boys.
Carla: I can say whatever's on my mind. And even if he doesn't like it, even if he doesn't understand it, he respects it.
Turk: Wait, don't get me wrong. I'm not gonna give my boys a back rub. I mean, sure, if a brother's got an itch, I'll scratch it, but...
Carla: He seems to like who I am.
Turk: She's a cool lady. I love her.
Carla: I love him.

Quote from Turk

Turk: When I was seven, the only things that I loved were my ColecoVision and Sandy Lowe. Now, Sandy was as fine as a 7-year-old could be. I mean, she had the body of a 9-year-old. And I pretty much joined the T-ball team because she was on it. I really didn't care that much about sports. But, during the first game, I got all caught up, you know, and fell in love with competing. And so, through high school and college, I pretty much played everything because I needed to compete. It was my drug. I think that's why I became a surgeon, too. Because every day, you get to step up to the table and go one-on-one against what's wrong with the patient. And if you're really good at it, you win most of the time. I ran into Sandy Lowe last Christmas, and she didn't look so good. And that was kind of awkward, 'cause, well, I look like this.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Are you following me?
Todd: No. You wanna go out some time?
Elliot: With you?
Todd: Me and a bottle of Jagermeister.
Elliot: No, Todd. No, I don't. But I don't want you to think it's because I just broke up with someone or because I'm a lesbian or because I want to preserve our friendship. It's because I find you so creepy, I think you should walk around with a bell around your neck.
Todd: All I heard was "lesbian".

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: There was nothing funny about that.
J.D.: Maybe you just don't know funny. Okay, let me help you out. Silly hats are funny. ALF? Very funny! Anyone in a chicken suit... Oh, over-sized phones are funny.
Elliot: J.D.
J.D.: Hold on. [pretending to be using an over-sized phone] Hello? She's right here. It's for you.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

Nurse Roberts: [clears throat]
Todd: Oh, no, it's cool. J.D.'s in the closet talking to a girl for me.
Nurse Roberts: White boys.
Todd: You too.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Relationships? Well, Sigmund, relationships are so... fragile. It just takes one thing, one tiny little offence, and it can snowball on you. And if that snowball starts to pick up speed, God forbid, you better tuck and go, my friend.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Oh, what the hell, Barbie? You should've gotten a cardiology fellow to give Mrs. Zuckerman a trans-venous pacemaker one hour ago.
Elliot: Sir, I was waiting to see-
Dr. Cox: Oh, you were waiting. I'm sorry, that's- That's my mistake. Oh, I'm gonna wait with ya.
Elliot: Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Ssh. Gotta give it time. Because, you see, when you're waiting for someone to magically get better all by themselves, the whole thing becomes about time.
Elliot: Dr. Cox, I was waiting to see if she would tolerate her low heart rate, which is exactly what the textbooks tell us to do. Am I right, J.D.?
Dr. Cox: [whiny] Is she right, J.D.?
J.D.: Uh, well, technically, yes. But, you know, it's really a judgment call, and if she really was that bradycardic, I probably would've called the fellow. But... I... That's me. I...
Dr. Cox: Wow. Always side with the hoochie, Newbie? It's a rookie mistake. Gosh, you hate to see it.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Things that wouldn't have bothered you a week ago in a friendship become so incredibly important when sex is involved. I just think it'd be easier if you weren't friends with your girlfriend, at all.

Quote from J.D.

[on psychologist's tape:]
Elliot: I've always been sure about everything in my life. I was sure that I wanted to be a doctor, and I was sure that I was gonna be married by the time I was 25. But relationships... I always heard that when they were right, they were easy. That even when things got hard... that they were easy. I don't get that at all. You know, how is that possible?
[alternating between J.D. and Elliot's interviews:]
J.D.: Am I in a relationship now?
Elliot: No. I'm not in one now.
J.D.: No.

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: Look, J.D., what happened last night was a wonderful mistake. And I think it's probably best if we just go back to the way things were.
J.D.: I totally agree. [laughs]
Elliot: Well, I'm gonna see you tomorrow.
J.D.: Tomorrow.
J.D.: [v.o.] What are you doing? Elliot's amazing and you're crazy about her. If you let her leave, I'm gonna do this all day: [singing] I get knocked down but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down I get knocked down...

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Good morning, Dr. Cox!
Dr. Cox: We are short-staffed today because Kelso has volunteered all of you scut monkeys for some psychologist's research project, give me a break, which means you won't be helping patients. Instead, you'll be blabbering about your feelings, and what it's like working in the hospital, and how that affects your personal lives and... Wah, wah, wah. And there he is now, oh, big Bobbo himself. [whistles] Okay, all nurses and interns, let's gather round and dance for the puppet master. Oh, yes, dance!
Dr. Kelso: It's not just the nurses and interns.
Dr. Cox: Don't be that guy, Bob.


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