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36Quotes from ‘My Way or the Highway’

Scrubs: My Way or the Highway

120. My Way or the Highway

Aired April 16, 2002

J.D. is upset when Turk convinces one of his patients to go the surgical route. Dr. Cox is angry after Dr. Kelso fires a nurse who makes great coffee. Meanwhile, Elliot treats a male patient, Sean (guest star Scott Foley) who's as neurotic as she is.

Quote from Doug

Dr. Kelso: Who gets to tell us the symptoms of Mnire's disease? Dr. Murphy.
Doug: Can you use it in a sentence?

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Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Here's the problem with a surgical consult. I think Mr. Hoffner should be treated medically, but any surgeon is going to want to slice and dice him. You see, surgical and medical interns are like two rival gangs. Not real gangs. More like those cheesy gangs you see in Broadway musicals.
[fantasy: J.D., Elliot and the medical doctors, Turk and the surgeons dance towards each other in the corridor]
All: Surgical, medical, surgical, yeah!
J.D.: [v.o.] Still, I knew there was one surgical intern I could count on.
J.D.: [singing] If you have some moles I will inspect them
Turk: [singing] I'll remove tumours from your brain to your rectum
Both: [singing] Between the two of us there is no wall We're a surgeon and a doc Above it all A surgeon and a doc Above it All

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Sorry to interrupt you there, but I gotta ask you a quick question. Now, when you were born, nay, spawned by the Dark Prince himself, did that rat bastard forget to give you a hug before he sent you along your way? Because you can't just let two good nurses go on account of feeling small and insignificant. And besides, with your money, you ought to be able to keep a man tucked away in the closet and bring him out when you want to knock him around, huh? As you were.

Quote from Elliot

Sean: I guess the truth is that I don't go out a lot, you know? I always seem to put my foot in my mouth.
Elliot: I'd let you put your foot in my mouth.
Sean: What?
Elliot: I said I'd let you put your foot in my mouth.
Sean: Oh, that's weird.
Elliot: I know.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: Come on, man. Let's get out of here. There's something to do. There's film festivals, theatre, there's museums. Let's get out and get some culture. How about some of that?
Turk: Let's put Rowdy on top of the TV and see which one of us can throw a hat on him first.
J.D.: [v.o.] Turk turns everything into a competition. It can get kind of annoying.
[flashback:]
Turk: Let's play "Steak".
J.D.: What?
Turk: Steak. The first person to finish their steak is the winner.
J.D.: No, see, I paid $17 for this steak, and I'm not gonna...You want some?
[flashback:]
Turk: "Ankles" is a simple game. The first one to get embarrassed and pull up their scrubs loses.
J.D.: The problem is, these stupid games always seem to end the same way.
[montage:]
Turk: Say it!
Turk: Say it!
[present:]
Turk: Just say it.
J.D.: I'm your biatch.
Turk: Yes, you are. Now, sit back baby, 'cause Iron Chef is on.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Sorry to keep you, Mr. Kelly. I was just... So, what, are you sick or something?
Sean: My heartbeat, it's like, it's irregular. What's the medical word for it?
Carla: Irregular.
Sean: Yeah. That's it. It's irregular.
Elliot: Of course. The heart. The old ticker.
Sean: Wow. You're my doctor? I have something for you in my pants. No. No, no, no. Not- I'm not wearing any pants right now. My pants are over there, and there's a note from my GP in the pocket. If you guys need me, I'll be under here.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Oh, for the love of Our Lady of Guadalupe, that is a fine brew.
Coffee Nurse: It's just coffee.
Dr. Cox: Oh, no. This is liquid crack. This is a mug full of sunshine. My dear, for me, this is like sex.
Coffee Nurse: Oh, is that why you always finish so quickly?
Dr. Cox: And sassy too. If you could cook a steak, I'd eat it right off your bottom.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Oh, ladies. This is that beverage I've been trying to describe to you, and it turns out, this is gonna sound weird, but the secret is, you grind it from beans, not crap.
Nurse Roberts: I'll grind your beans.
Dr. Cox: Oh, Laverne, honestly, when are we gonna get it over with?

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: How are you feeling?
Sean: Well, I'm not tired if that's was you're getting at.
Elliot: Don't get all male on me. Stress tests are supposed to be hard. It helps if you visualize running toward something, like your girlfriend.
Sean: I don't have a girlfriend.
Elliot: How could you possibly be single?
Sean: I don't know. I mean, I'm kind of anal and neurotic.
Elliot: My God. Me too.
Sean: Really?
Elliot: Please! I like to keep my pens in order from least to most ink.
Sean: Oh, that is hot.

Quote from Carla

Dr. Cox: No, tell me he did not fire her.
Carla: You had to do it. You had to show up Kelso and now another nurse is out of a job.
Dr. Cox: Excuse me, I went down there to confront-
Carla: Am I done?
Nurse Roberts: You don't look done.
Carla: You know what your problem is?
Dr. Cox: There are times I put myself-
Carla: Oh, my God. Who answers that question? You see, that is your problem. You think you have the answers to h-h-h-everything, but instead you end up throwing gas on the fire, and everyone else pays the consequences.
Dr. Cox: That's almost exactly what I was going to say.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] I'm not gonna let Turk beat me. I'm gonna fight back, and you want to know how? I'm telling.
J.D.: Dr. Cox?
[fantasy: J.D. is dressed like a boy as he sits on Dr. Cox's lap and cries:]
J.D.: He stole my patient. And then, and then...
Dr. Cox: Oh, it's OK, Jumbo. Now, who's my big boy? Oh, who's my big boy?
J.D.: I am!
Dr. Cox: Oh, you're my big boy! You're my big boy.
J.D.: I'm your big...

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: What's up, Benedict?
Turk: What?
J.D.: Benedict Arnold?
Turk: That's just the lamest smack talk I've ever heard in my life.
J.D.: Well, that's not what the redcoats thought.
Mr. Hoffner: Wow, you went colonial on his ass.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: So, what's up, man? You're gonna go under the knife just because he told you to?
Mr. Hoffner: No, I spoke to some other people.
J.D.: Like who?
Janitor: All fixed.
J.D.: He's a janitor.
Mr. Hoffner: Yeah, but he seems confident.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: Look it, you fired a dear, dear friend of mine. That woman was like family.
Dr. Kelso: Who?
Dr. Cox: Who? I'll tell you who... Coffee Nurse. When you fired Coffee Nurse, you made this whole thing personal.
Dr. Kelso: No, you made it personal. You gave me all that lip yesterday in front of the interns. Look, you want to know why I laid off those first two nurses? Budgetary constraints forced a cut, and those two had negative reports. And you think I did it to make myself happy. [laughs] I wouldn't notice if they all caught on fire.
Dr. Cox: Well then why in God's name did you axe Coffee Nurse?
Dr. Kelso: Because you were being an ass. You're right, that was personal. My bad. Golly, I do love moist cake.

Quote from Elliot

Sean: How's it going?
Elliot: It's good. Yeah, it's good.
Sean: Uh, you have a little something on your cheek.
Elliot: Yeah, that's just... That's poo.
Sean: Oh, well, I mean, you know what they say, right? Because everybody poops. I mean, I just did. Earlier. Not this second. But down there, I... I pooped.
Elliot: Wow, that is so cool that you can just talk about it.
Sean: Really? Okay. Yeah, I love to poop.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: I cannot believe I talked to Sean about poo for ten minutes.
Carla: Relax. Nobody knows.
Nurse Roberts: Hey, Poopie.
Elliot: At one point, I tried changing the subject to art. But we went from art to artists to alcohol to coffee, and that just led right back to poo.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Elliot, you know how they say, "No one will love you until you learn to love yourself"?
Elliot: My mother used to say, "No one will love you".
Carla: Just fake it. Don't let him see what a neurotic mess you are. You see Turk over there? He doesn't know that I cry sometimes because I'm not sure there's a cat heaven. It's all about hiding the crazy and acting like the most confident girl in the room.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Carla: Thanks again, sir.
Dr. Kelso: No matter what the board says, I'm not going to let someone like you get away. Not without a fight.
Dr. Cox: You think she doesn't see through you? These people know who really cares about them.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, is that so? You and Jennifer are pretty tight?
Dr. Cox: Hell, yeah we are. Hey, Jenny. Gosh, I'm glad you're back.
Coffee Nurse: Thanks. My name's Patti.
Nurse Roberts: Fool.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: [v.o.] Sometimes your ego leads you into battles you can't possibly win. And sometimes you have to admit that feeling competitive isn't a bad thing. If you believe you're right, you have to fight for it.
J.D.: I know it's the right way to go, and I am not gonna take no for an answer. So what do you say?
[The Janitor gives the patient a thumbs-up signal behind J.D.'s back]
Man: Okay, let's do it.
Janitor: You won. Now beat it.
J.D.: What?
Janitor: Go. [to the patient] Let's get you some sherbet.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Bottom line, when the stakes are high, go for the win. You know, as long as you don't get caught up in the petty stuff.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, by God, if we lose to these cutters, don't even bother showing up tomorrow.
Dr. Wen: I don't want to beat them. I want to embarrass them.
[fantasy: Dr. Cox and Dr. Wen singing on a balcony:]
Both: [singing] A surgeon and a doc Above it all...


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