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42Quotes from ‘My Common Enemy’

Scrubs: My Common Enemy

407. My Common Enemy

Aired October 19, 2004

J.D. doesn't feel anything when Elliot starts seeing his brother Dan (Tom Cavanagh). Turk uses his newly-diagnosed diabetes to get Carla to bring him food. Meanwhile, Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso team up to break the spirit of the ever cheerful Dr. Molly Clock (Heather Graham).

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Boy, oh boy, does it look like you pissed off the wrong guy there, crunchy. And trust me, he'll make you pay.
Dr. Molly Clock: Oh, Dr. Kelso's all bluster. Underneath it all, I bet he's a sweetheart.
Dr. Cox: No, no. Underneath it all, he is pure evil.
Dr. Molly Clock: Perry, no one's pure evil. I mean, yeah, some people have a hard outer shell, but inside, everybody has a creamy center.
Dr. Cox: There are plenty of people here on this particular planet who are hard on the outside and hard on the inside.
Dr. Molly Clock: So they'd have more of a nougaty center?
Dr. Cox: Lady, people aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bobble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.
Dr. Molly Clock: I'm touching your creamy center.
Dr. Cox: Oh, I am so very angry that I'm going to find someone to kill just to prove her wrong.
[J.D. walks up behind Dr. Cox and wisely decides to back away]

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Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: It's a mystery. Now, our old hospital psychiatrist used to write my wife, Enid, a prescription for crazy pills. He was a dear, dear friend, but he died or moved or something, and now I need you to do the honors.
Dr. Molly Clock: Have her come in for a few sessions, I'll gladly prescribe antidepressants.
Dr. Kelso: That's going to be a problem.
Dr. Molly Clock: Why?
Dr. Kelso: She doesn't know she's taking them.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: I'm so sorry you lost your grandmother. Our prayers go out to you and your family.
Woman: Thank you, Doctor. That's very kind.
Dr. Kelso: That'll be seventeen hundred dollars.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Oh, Dr. Clock. Uh, look, I'm afraid I wasn't being honest with you before. In my job, it seems like I'm always the bad guy. Hard as this is to admit, it gets to me sometimes. The point is, the antidepressants I asked you to prescribe weren't for my wife, they were for me.
Dr. Molly Clock: Oh, I understand. So what dosage are you on?
[flashback:]
Enid: [o.s.] Where are my Fig Newtons, Bob?!
Dr. Kelso: I'm getting them, dear!
[present:]
Dr. Kelso: About half a Newton?
Dr. Molly Clock: No dice.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: Bob, do you realize what you did by giving Blondie that book?
Dr. Kelso: With any luck, I kept her from reporting me to the board for trying to con her out of meds.
Dr. Cox: Thanks to your little gesture, she actually believes that the earth is full of people who, deep down, are filled with kindness and caring.
Dr. Kelso: Well, that's absurd. People are bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling.
Dr. Cox: Exactly.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, sweet Moses. Everything has gone straight down the crapper since Enid got off the antidepressants.
Dr. Cox: I didn't know Enid suffered from depression.
Dr. Kelso: She doesn't. Those pills kill her sex drive.

Quote from Janitor

Dr. Kelso: Perry, what's our plan of attack?
Dr. Cox: When I crush a person's spirit, I like to use a combination of intimidation and degradation.
Dr. Kelso: I prefer to create an environment in which the subjects end up crushing themselves.
Dr. Cox: Uh-huh.
Janitor: I like to pick one person and torment them relentlessly for no reason. If I could find them I'd show you.
[J.D. walks up behind the Janitor and wisely decides to back away]
Janitor: He's near.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Let me get this straight. You want me to offer your wife the same job she's already turned down. Is that about the size of it, Turkleton?
Turk: Actually, sir, my last name isn't Turkleton, it's just Turk. As in Chris Turk.
Dr. Kelso: I prefer Turkleton.

Quote from Dr. Molly Clock

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Clock, you don't have to miss your wedding. I was lying about shift-switching. I like doing it, I like saying it. Shift-switching. And I only lied because we were trying to destroy your morale.
Dr. Molly Clock: Why would you do that?
Dr. Cox: Well, in our defense, you're overly cheery and we were bored.
Dr. Molly Clock: But you thought it would be nice to come clean and make me feel better?
Dr. Kelso: Pretty much.
Dr. Cox: Pretty much, yeah.
Dr. Molly Clock: See, I told you there's good in everyone. If you'll excuse me, boys, I've got a plane to catch.
Dr. Cox: Don't even pretend like you knew what we were doing all along.
[A black car pulls up behind Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso and honks its horn. When they turn back around, Molly is now wearing a sombrero]
Dr. Molly Clock: Adios, boys.
Dr. Cox: Was she always wearing that big hat?

Quote from Dr. Molly Clock

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Clock, do you have a minute?
Dr. Molly Clock: Sure. I was just talking to Dr. Bromberg about switching shifts so that I can go to Mexico for my mom's wedding. I am so psyched. She is getting married to this guy that has been like a father to me since I was this big. Actually, maybe I was this big... How tall was I in fourth grade?

Quote from J.D.

Turk: You know, on The Sopranos, if a guy caught his brother with his ex-girlfriend, he'd just rub his ass out.
J.D.: Oh, believe you me, the second I get Dan alone, there's gonna be some serious ass-rubbing. I shouldn't smack-talk.

Quote from Dan

Dan: Hey, mind if I join you guys?
Dr. Cox: I think the question you should be asking is, "Mind if I diddle your ex?" Oh, and just a great big congratulations on your on-going streak of being the world's worst older brother.
Dan: Thanks, Coxy.

Quote from Dan

J.D.: [v.o.] I knew it was my turn to let Dan have it, but for some reason I wasn't mad.
J.D.: Listen, Dan-
Dan: J.D., let me explain. I came to the hospital to see you, and then I ran into Elliot and it just happened. It was a one-time thing.
J.D.: I'm okay with it.
Dan: Great, 'cause it's been going on for a few weeks. Elliot's amazing! Smart, funny, hot. I was in a dark place and she saved me, she really did. Haven't felt this good since my dad died.
J.D.: Our dad.
Dan: Right.

Quote from Dan

Turk: Hold up. When Carla and I came home yesterday, we heard something. Did you two hook up in J.D.'s room?
Dan: A friend wouldn't ask and a gentleman wouldn't tell.
Turk: Did you?
Dan: Twice! But we didn't go under the sheets out of respect.
J.D.: How thoughtful!

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Carla: Sir. Sir? It is not your job to collect money from patients.
Dr. Kelso: I know, but I just fired the woman who usually does it.
Carla: You fired Glenda? Why?
[flashback to a doctor chatting with a couple holding their newborn:]
Glenda: Oh, how precious. Mind if I hold him?
Man: Go right ahead.
Glenda: [runs away] I finally got a baby!
[present:]
Dr. Kelso: She was stealing from the hospital.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Dude, you're missing a great opportunity here, man. If you act like it bothers you, Elliot'll feel guilty and she'll finally forgive you for dumping her. I'm telling you, you gotta use this like I use my diabetes. Watch. Honey? My blood sugar's dipping.
Carla: Don't move. [runs off to get a sandwich]
Turk: Thanks, sweetness.
J.D.: Oh, my God. This could be my diabetes.
Turk: Exactly. But you gotta use it before that window closes. Lucky for me, my diabetes window stays open 24/7.
J.D.: Unless, God forbid, they find a cure.
Turk: Amen, brother.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Bye, folks. You'll notice I knocked a hundred dollars off the bill because of the, you know, baby-stealing thing.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: Bob, we have a problem.
Dr. Kelso: Not now, Perry, I'm swamped. I'm trying to find an exterminator to kill the bat in my attic.
Dr. Cox: Be a man, Bob. That's what tennis rackets are for!
[flashback to Dr. Kelso in the attic with his dog:]
Dr. Kelso: Oh, good lord! He got Baxter!
[present:]
Dr. Kelso: Try telling that to my one-eared dog.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: Baby, you have to take this job.
Carla: Let it go. It's done.
J.D.: [to Turk] You okay?
Turk: No. Sometimes I wish I'd never gotten this stupid diabetes.
J.D.: Hey, let's not get crazy!

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: Dear God, she has an actual skip in her step.
Dr. Kelso: Doesn't bother me as much as the whistling. Watch what happens.
[The whistling proves to be contagious. A patient who passed Dr. Molly Clock and started whistling then passes Ted]
Dr. Kelso: Why are you whistling, Ted? Your life is pathetic.
Ted: Right.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: Well, I'm not sure moon-beam is going to break so easily. I just wish we knew something personal that would really get to her.
[late:]
Dr. Kelso: Turns out you can't go to your mom's wedding. There's too much shift-switching going on here and I don't like shift-switching. It's too hard to say.
Dr. Cox: Aw, that wasn't very soft and creamy.
Dr. Molly Clock: It's okay. He has a hospital to run, I understand. [whistles, everyone else joins in]
Dr. Cox: Good God. She can't be stopped.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Turk: Sir, I promise you, if you offer her the job again she'll say yes. And I'll do anything I'll pick up extra shifts, I'll volunteer, I'll volunteer at the clinic, whatever you want.
Dr. Kelso: Ah. I want you to kill the giant bat that's been living in my attic.
Turk: You keep Enid in the attic?
Dr. Kelso: You make me laugh, Turkleton. 8 o'clock, sharp. I'd wear goggles.


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