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‘The Keys’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Keys

323. The Keys

Aired May 6, 1992

Kramer is upset when Jerry decides he's taking liberties with his apartment and asks for his spare key back. As Jerry, George and Elaine swap around their spare keys, Kramer sets out to turn his life around.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: So, I fly a lot. I like planes. I was on a plane the other day and I was wondering, are there keys to the plane? Do they need keys to start the plane? Maybe that's what those delays on the ground are sometimes. When you're just sitting there at the gate, maybe the pilot's just up there in the cockpit going... "Oh, I don't believe this. Oh, my God. I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical, because they don't want to come on the PA system: "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a little while, I uh...Oh God, this is so embarrassing. I- I left the keys to the plane in my apartment." You see the technicians all running underneath the plane; you think they're servicing it, but they're actually looking for the magnet "hide-a-key" under the wing. "Maybe he left it up there somewhere."

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Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Elaine, Elaine! It's Kramer! Kramer's on Murphy Brown!
Elaine: Kramer's on Murphy Brown!
Jerry: Look, there he is. He's sittin' at the desk!
[on the TV:]
Candice Bergen: Hi, I'm Murphy Brown, you must be my new secretary.
Kramer: Oh, good morning, Miss Brown.
Candice Bergen: And you are...?
Kramer: Oh, I'm uh, Steven Snell.
Candice Bergen: Snell. Well, hello, Mr. Snell.
Kramer: Steven.
Candice Bergen: Steven. Are you familiar with this computer system?
Kramer: Oh, I'm familiar, yes.
Candice Bergen: Steven Snell? I know people. And I have a very good feeling about you. [exits]
[Kramer types rapidly on the computer and takes a bite of a donut]

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I bought the Ginsu knife. I did buy the Ginsu knife. I know, you can't believe it, but I did, I swear. I saw it. And it was late at night, and I was watching the thing, and it started making sense to me. I'm thinking, "Yeah, cut through the shoe. Cut through the can. Yeah, I like that." So I called up the number of the screen, you know, and I said, "I'd like to order the Ginsu knife." And the lady went, "Really?" I mean, even the Ginsu people have given up. It's really so sad. I mean, to be honest, if you need a knife that can cut through a shoe, perhaps you're not buying the highest grade of meat currently available. You know, maybe you ought to think about not getting the "hoof cut" once in a while.

Quote from George

Kramer: You're wasting your life.
George: I am not! What you call wasting, I call living! I'm living my life!
Kramer: Okay, like what? No, tell me! Do you have a job?
George: No.
Kramer: You got money?
George: No.
Kramer: Do you have a woman?
George: No.
Kramer: Do you have any prospects?
George: No.
Kramer: You got anything on the horizon?
George: Uh... no.
Kramer: Do you have any action at all?
George: No.
Kramer: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?
George: I like to get the Daily News.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: George, it's time for us to grow up, and be men. Not little boys.
George: Why?
Kramer: I'm going to California. You know, I got the bug.
George: Yeah, I think I got a touch of something, too.
Kramer: No, the acting bug. Ever since I was in that Woody Allen movie.
George: "These pretzels are making me thirsty"? That was one line! You got fired!
Kramer: I know, I know, but man! I never felt so alive! Now, are you coming with me?
George: Uh, no, I'm not.
Kramer: All right, suit yourself. But let's keep this between us. We're key brothers now. [Gets up to leave.]
George: You're not really gonna go to California, are you?
Kramer: [points to his head] Up here, I'm already gone. [exits]

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: I don't want the keys back! No, I'm glad the way things turned out. I was clinging to those keys, man! Like a branch on the banks of a raging river. And now I have let go. And I'm free... to go with the current. To float. And I thank you.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Now, one more thing, I would like my keys back.
Jerry: Your spare set?
Kramer: That's right.
Jerry: You want them back?
Kramer: Yeah. Yeah, I think it would be for the best.
[Jerry goes over to the drawer and retrieves a ring with a huge set of keys, which he gives back to Kramer]

Quote from Kramer

[Kramer hands George his giant set of keys]
George: Gee, Kramer, I uh, I don't know what to say.
Kramer: Say yes. Yes, George, yes.
George: Should I give you my keys? Is that the transaction, trading keys? Because Elaine has my keys.
Kramer: Well, you can get them back.
George: I suppose I could.
Kramer: Because you see, George, having the keys to Jerry's apartment? That kept me in a fantasy world. Every time I went over to his house, it was like I was on vacation. Better food, better view, better TV. And cleaner? Oh, much cleaner. That became my reality. I ignored the squalor in my own life because I'm looking at life, you see, through Jerry's eyes. I was living in twilight, George. Living in the shadows. Living in the darkness, like you.
George: Me?
Kramer: Oh, yeah. I can barely see you, George.
George: All right, stop it Kramer, you're freaking me out.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: I'll give you back your spare keys, but now I want mine back.
George: What for?
Elaine: 'Cause. I'll give them to Jerry.
George: Jerry? Why?
Elaine: 'Cause he gave me his.
George: So what?
Elaine: So, if he has my keys, I should have his.
George: Well, I don't see why if you have his, he should have yours.
Elaine: I just said the same thing to you.
George: What?
Elaine: What?
George: All right, listen, I'll give you your spare keys, but I don't have them with me. Can I please have mine to give to back to Kramer?
Elaine: Yeah, okay. I'll go get them. [George begins to leaf through papers on Elaine's counter] What are you doing? Would you just put that down? Uh, I gotta get some new friends.

Quote from Newman

Jerry: Kramer? [knocks]
Newman: Hello, boys.
George: Oh!
Jerry: Hello, Newman.
Newman: You looking for someone?
Jerry: Don't play coy with me, Newman, I'm not in the mood!
Newman: Coy? I'm not being coy.
Jerry: Is he being coy?
George: Yeah, coy.
Jerry: You're being coy. Now where's Kramer, Newman?
Newman: [coyly] Who?

Quote from George

George: Well, they're obviously not here.
Jerry: Well, they've gotta be here somewhere.
George: Jerry, unless I pull down on this statuette and a hidden wall opens up, we have checked every square inch of this apartment!

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: I just thought I could write it.
Jerry: Is that something you want to do?
Elaine: I don't know. Those writers make a lot of money.
Jerry: Elaine, let me tell you something about show business.
Elaine: [scoffs] I can't believe it.
Jerry: It's hard work! You don't just write a Murphy Brown. You gotta watch the show, study it, get a sense of the characters, how they relate to each other.
Elaine: Okay, can I just watch the show? [quietly] God, what an ass-.
Jerry: What did you say?
Elaine: I didn't say anything.
Jerry: I heard something.


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