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‘The Friars Club’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Friars Club

718. The Friars Club

Aired March 7, 1996

A promising new relationship of Jerry's is threatened by a missing jacket. Elaine wonders whether her new colleague is pretending not to hear when he's assigned work. Meanwhile, Kramer decides to change his sleeping schedule.

Quote from Jackie Chiles

Connie: [on phone] You gotta meet me at the police station. They're arresting me for attempted murder.
Jackie Chiles: Attempted murder? Of whom?
Connie: This guy, Kramer.
Jackie Chiles: Oh. Cosmo Kramer?
Connie: Yeah, that's right.
Jackie Chiles: I don't want nothing to do with it. [hangs up]

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Quote from Jerry

George: How about these seats? Are these fantastic, huh? Huh? I feel like Lincoln.
Jerry: Yeah. Well, let's hope this evening turns out a little better.

Quote from George

George: We could be like the Gatsbys. Didn't they always like, you know, have a bunch of people around, and they were all best friends?
Jerry: That doesn't sound right.
George: No.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The other thing I love is when you're in the middle of a dream, and your alarm goes off. You incorporate the sound of the alarm into the dream, so you can keep sleeping. And you'll make any adjustment in the dream to do it. I was with Marie Antoinette in a dream last night, and she was on the guillotine, the blade came down, her head fell into the basket, it rolled over and she started singing Neil Diamond's Solitary Man. And, I thought, "That is not my alarm going off. This is actually happening."

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, everybody. Listen, do me a favor, will you? I got a hot date tonight with Connie. Knock on my door, wake me up in twenty minutes, all right?
Jerry: Catnap?
Kramer: No, no, no, no. This is evolutionary. I been reading this book on Leonardo de Vinci. See, that means 'from Vinci'. Do you know that?
Jerry: That must be some book.
Kramer: Yeah, well, turns out that the master slept only twenty minutes every three hours. Now, that works out to two and a half extra days that I'm awake per week, every week. Which means, if I live to be eighty, I will have lived the equivalent of a hundred and five years.
Jerry: Not to mention how much more you'll accomplish.
Kramer: Oh, I got a lot of things in the hopper, buddy.
Jerry: I didn't know you had a hopper.
Kramer: Oh, I got a hopper. A big hopper.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Breakfast?
Kramer: Oh, yeah. Most important meal of the day.
Jerry: So this Da Vinci sleep is working out?
Kramer: Oh, I'm percolating, Jerry. I'm telling you, I have never felt so fertile. I'm mossy, Jerry. My brain is mossy. Listen to this idea. A restaurant that serves only peanut butter and jelly. [clicks tongue]
Jerry: What do you call it?
Kramer: PB and J's. What do you think?
Jerry: I think you need more sleep.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I was just in the bathroom with that Bob guy.
Elaine: So what?
Jerry: No, I kinda tried to test his hearing.
Elaine: Get out! What did you do?
Jerry: Well, I kinda snuck up behind him at the urinal and tried to see if he could hear me.
Elaine: And?
Jerry: Well, he flinched, sort of.
Elaine: What do you mean, sort of? What'd he do?
Jerry: Well, he kinda moved his head, you know. It might have been on the zip up, I don't know.
Elaine: So you don't know anything?
Jerry: Actually, no.
Elaine: All right, good job.

Quote from J. Peterman

J. Peterman: Elaine, I think I've been working you a little too hard, lately. So, I have two tickets for you to the
Flying Sandos Brothers magic show.
Elaine: Ah.
J. Peterman: It is a real hoot.
Elaine: Well, thank you, Mr. Peterman.
J. Peterman: Ah, the tickets are for tonight. So you and Bob can knock off a little early, so you both can get ready.
Elaine: Uh, Mr Peterman, you...
J. Peterman: (interrupting) There's no need to deny it, Elaine. I heard every word you said. And I know you wouldn't be just having fun with his handicap. That kind of cruelty would be grounds for dismissal.
Elaine: Of course, Mr Peterman.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Ah, I'm kinda soured.
George: You're soured?
Jerry: Yeah, I'm soured.
George: Don't be soured.
Jerry: I'm sorry. I'm soured.
George: What're you kidding me? We were all getting along so well. Where is all this coming from?
Jerry: Well, you know, frankly, I didn't think she was too concerned about my jacket.
George: What are you talking about?! She's very concerned! She said she was gonna get it back.
Jerry: Yeah, we'll see.
George: Because if she gets it back, then you'll have no reason to be sour. You'll de-sour, right?
Jerry: I'll try and de-sour.
George: Oh, that's not good enough! You don't try and de-sour. You have to sweeten too!
Jerry: I'll try! I'll try and de-sour and sweeten.

Quote from George

George: I wanna get it back to when we were the Gatsbys.
Jerry: I still don't know what that means.
George: Yeah.


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