Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Muffin Tops’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Muffin Tops

821. The Muffin Tops

Aired May 8, 1997

Elaine has the idea of selling just the tops of muffins. George pretends to be a tourist in the city. Jerry accidentally shaves his chest. Kramer launches a tour bus based on J. Peterman's autobiography.

Quote from Elaine

Woman: I can't believe somebody pulled the top off of this muffin.
Elaine: That was me. I'm sorry. I don't like the stumps.
Mr. Lippman: So you just eat the tops?
Elaine: Oh, yeah. It's the best part. It's crunchy. It's explosive. It's where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of does its own thing. I'll tell you. That's a million dollar idea right there. Just sell the tops.

Rate

Quote from George

George: All right. Let me ask you something: When do you start to worry about ear hair?
Jerry: When you hear like a soft rustling.
George: It's like puberty that never stops. Ear puberty, nose puberty, knuckle puberty, you gotta be vigilant.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Hey, what were you doing with that bus yesterday?
Kramer: Here you go. Here you go. Check it out.
Jerry: "The Real Peterman Reality Bus Tour". I'm confused.
Kramer: Peterman's book is big business. People want to know the stories behind the stories.
Jerry: Nobody wants to go on a three hour bus tour of a totally unknown person's life.
Kramer: I'm only charging $37.50, plus you get a pizza bagel and desert.
George: What's desert?
Kramer: Bite-size 3 Musketeers. Just like the real Peterman eats.
George: He eats those?
Kramer: No. I eat those. I'm the real Peterman.

Quote from George

Jerry: So you're pretending to be a tourist?
George: It's beautiful. She makes all the plans. I'm not from around here so it's okay if I'm stupid. And she knows I'm only in town visiting so there's no messy breakups.
Jerry: How do you explain your apartment?
George: I got a hotel room.
Jerry: You moved into a hotel?
George: Well, I don't know anyone here, Jerry. Where else am I going to stay?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: [yelling] Hey, Jerry. I'm starting a Peterman Reality Bus Tour. Check it out. [laughs]
George: Reality tour?
Jerry: The last thing this guy's qualified to give a tour of is reality.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: This was my idea. You stole my idea.
Mr. Lippman: Elaine, these ideas are all in the air. They're in the air.
Elaine: Well, if that air is coming out of this face then it is my air and my idea.
Mr. Lippman: You want a muffin or not?
Elaine: Peach.

Quote from George

Jerry: You're moving to New York? That's fantastic. I can see you all the time now.
George: Eat me alive, huh? We'll see who can make it in this town. [chuckles]
Jerry: What is it she think you can't do?
George: Find a job. Get an apartment.
Jerry: How did you do those things?
George: Never mind. The're done. All I have to do now is redo them. You know, if you take everything I've ever done in my entire life and condense it down into one day, it looks decent.

Quote from Kramer

George: Wait a minute. I think I understand this. J. Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real.
Kramer: Talk to me.
George: But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes you to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not really happen to the real Peterman which is you.
Kramer: Understand?
Jerry: Yeah. $37.50 for a 3 Musketeers.

Quote from Elaine

Mr. Lippman: Elaine, I'm in over my head. Nobody likes my muffin tops.
Elaine: So? What do you want me to do about it?
Mr. Lippman: You're the muffin top expert. Tell me what I'm doing wrong.
Elaine: Mr. Lippman, when I worked for you at Pendent Publishing, I believed in you, you know as a man of integrity. But, when I saw you in that paper hat and that apron...
Mr. Lippman: What if I cut you in for 30% of the profits?
Elaine: Deal. Here's your problem. You're making just the muffin tops.
Mr. Lippman: What do you mean?
Elaine: You've gotta make the whole muffin. Then you... Pop the top, toss the stump. Taste.
Mr. Lippman: Ah. [takes a bite] Uh-hu.
Elaine: Yeah.
Mr. Lippman: So what do we with the bottoms?
Elaine: I don't know. Give them to a soup kitchen.
Mr. Lippman: That's a good idea.
Elaine: And one more thing, you really think we need the exclamation point? Because, it's not "Top of the Muffin TO YOU!"
Mr. Lippman: No. No, it is.

Quote from Elaine

Rebecca: Are you the ones leaving those muffin pieces behind our shelter?
Elaine: You been enjoying them?
Rebecca: They're just stumps.
Elaine: Well, they're perfectly edible.
Rebecca: Oh, so you just assume that the homeless will eat them. They'll eat anything?
Mr. Lippman: No, no, we just thought...
Rebecca: I know what you thought. "They don't have homes. They don't have jobs. What do they need the top of a muffin for? They're lucky to get the stumps."
Elaine: If the homeless don't like them, the homeless don't have to eat them.
Rebecca: The homeless don't like them.
Elaine: Fine.
Rebecca: We've never gotten so many complaints. Every two minutes, "Where is the top of this muffin? Who ate the rest of this?"
Elaine: We were just trying to help.
Rebecca: Why don't you just drop off some chicken skins and lobster shells?
Elaine: I think I might.

Quote from Mr. Steinbrenner

Mary Anne: Wow, this is your office.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Whoa. Hello. Sorry George, didn't know you got a girl in here. Give me a signal on the doorknob like a necktie or a sock or something. Come on, help me out.
Mary Anne: Mr. Steinbrenner, I would like to thank you for taking a chance on a hen supervisor at Tyler Chicken like our boy George here.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Hen supervisor from Tyler Chicken?
George: Yes. Very nice to have had her to mention... [starts to leave]
Mr. Steinbrenner: Wait a minute, George.
George: Be right with you. Look Mr. Steinbrenner.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Moonlighting for Tyler Chicken. Pretty impressive, George. Days with the New York Yankees and nights in Arkansas with a top flight bird outlet. And a hen supervisor to boot. I am blown. Blown away. Blown, George. Blo....wn!

Quote from Mr. Steinbrenner

Mr. Steinbrenner: [on the phone] Don Tyler? George Steinbrenner here. I want to talk about George Costanza. I understand he's been dividing his time between us and you. I cannot have that.
Don Tyler: Well, I don't know who he is but if you want him that bad I'm not giving him up that easily.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Oh, is that so. Playing a little hardball, huh, Donnyboy?
Don Tyler: How about this? You give me Costanza, I convert your concessions to all chicken, no charge. Instead of hot dogs, chicken dogs. Instead of pretzels, chicken twists. Instead of beer, alcoholic chicken.
Mr. Steinbrenner: How do you make that alcoholic chicken?
Don Tyler: Let if ferment, just like everything else.
Mr. Steinbrenner: That stuff sounds great. All right. I'll have Costanza on the next bus.

Quote from George

Waitress: Hey, you looking for George?
Mary Anne: Yeah.
Waitress: He's been in the bathroom awhile. You might want to check on him.
[In the bathroom, George is standing about in his underwear, using a pay phone]
George: [on the phone] Jerry, you got to bring me some clothes down here. I lost my job with the Yankees. I'm standing in the men's room on 43rd street in my underpants.
Mary Anne: I told you this city would eat you alive.

Quote from Newman

Mr. Lippman: So, what is this guy again?
Elaine: They call him a Cleaner. He makes problems go away.
[A fancy car speeds down the road and parks badly by the side of the curb. Newman steps out, wearing sunglasses. He enters the store.]
Newman: Hello, Elaine.
Elaine: Where'd you get the car?
Newman: It's a rental. Where are they?
Elaine: In the back.
Newman: All right, I'm going to need a clean eight-ounce glass.
Mr. Lippman: What is going on here?
Newman: If I'm curt, then I apologize. But as I understand it, we have a situation here and time is of the essence.

Quote from George

George: All right. Let me ask you this. Do you know where Walker Street is downtown? I've got a league meeting there.
Jerry: Oh right, the new job, how is it?
George: I love it. New office, new salary. I'm the new Wilhelm.
Jerry: So who's the new you?
George: They got a new intern from Francis Louis High. His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Oh, hang on, just let me pick up a paper.
Man: Excuse me. Would you mind watching my bag for a minute?
George: Yeah. No problem.
Jerry: Let's go.
George: Whoa, I gotta watch this guy's bag.
Jerry: For how long?
George: I'm sure he'll be back in a second. [opens bag] Hmm. Nice stuff.
Jerry: Come on.
George: Excuse me, sir. Would you mind watching my bag for a second?
Man #2: Why? So I can stand here like an idiot not knowing if you'll ever come back?
[Jerry starts to leave]
George: Where are you going?
Jerry: I'm going to be this guy's friend.

Quote from George

Jerry: New clothes?
George: Yeah. I did some shopping. Some new clothes shopping. [to a man] Can I borrow your menu?
Jerry: Strange. For new pants, there's noticeable wear on the buttocks of those chinos. Wait, those are the clothes from the bag!
George: The guy never came back.
Jerry: He asked you to watch them not wear them.
George: I'm still watching them.
Jerry: You look like a tourist.

Quote from Kramer

Elaine: Kramer, remember that whole deal with you selling Peterman your stories for his book and then he gave them back to you?
Kramer: Vaguely.
Elaine: Well, um, I was kind of [chuckles] short on material and I, um, I put them in the book anyway.
Kramer: You put my life's stories in his autobiography?
Elaine: Kramer listen, it is such a stupid book. It doesn't matter.
Kramer: No, no. Sure, it matters. Wow. I've broken through, huh? I'm part of popular culture now.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Mr. Lippman, how are you?
Mr. Lippman: Well, I'm not bad. Not bad.
Elaine: What are you doing here?
Mr. Lippman: I work for Pendant Publishing. This is our book.
Elaine: Oh.
Mr. Lippman: If you can call it that. Why is it every half-wit and sitcom star has his own book out now?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, buddy. Remember me?
J. Peterman: You're that gangly fellow we bought the stories from.
Kramer: Yeah, I'm just here to do my part. What's your name darling?
Woman: Who are you?
Kramer: Oh, I'm the - Let me use your pen, will you? - I'm the real Peterman.
J. Peterman: All right, playtime's over.
Kramer: Relax, man. There's enough juice here to keep us all fat and giggly.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: "Top of the Muffin to you!"? [enters the store]
Mr. Lippman: Top of the muffin to you. Elaine!
Elaine: Mr. Lippman?

Quote from George

Mary Anne: So I notice you don't have much of an accent?
George: Yeah, my parents have it. Sometimes it skips a generation. So I was thinking maybe tonight we could go back to my hotel. I got SpectraVision. First five minutes free.
Mary Anne: Look, George, I'm really enjoying spending time with you but I'm not sure this is going to work out. At some point you're going back to your job at Tyler Chicken and your three-legged dog Willie.
George: Willie. Yeah.
Mary Anne: And I'm still going to be here.
George: Well, what if I told you I'm thinking of moving here?
Mary Anne: [laughs] George, no offense. But this city would eat you alive.

Quote from George

Mary Anne: I can't believe you found something so quickly. How much are you paying?
George: $2300.
Mary Anne: Ouch. A month?
George: Yeah.
Mary Anne: Well, guess that's all right for now, but if you say here more than a few months, you're a real sucker.
George: Yeah. Well, I got lots of other stuff to show you too. Wait till you see the plum job that I landed.
Mary Anne: Yeah. We should let this place air out anyway. It smells like the last tenant had monkeys or something.

Quote from Kramer

Alex: You know, when you make a pizza bagel, you really shouldn't use cinnamon raisin.
Jerry: You also shouldn't use a donut.
[Kramer falls onto the bus]
Kramer: All right, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Peterman Reality Tour...
Tape Player: Turn music off.
Jerry: Can we just go?
Kramer: And go we will.
Man: What is this, a pizza-pound cake?
Kramer: Well, we have a bonus reality stop today. We're going to be hauling muffin stumps to the local repository.
Man #2: We're going to a garbage dump?
Kramer: And we're off.
Jerry: You know, I never though he would be able to recreate the experience of actually knowing him, but this is pretty close.


 Episode 820 Episode 822 
  Select another episode