Woman: I can't believe somebody pulled the top off of this muffin.
Elaine: That was me. I'm sorry. I don't like the stumps.
Mr. Lippman: So you just eat the tops?
Elaine: Oh, yeah. It's the best part. It's crunchy. It's explosive. It's where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of does its own thing. I'll tell you. That's a million dollar idea right there. Just sell the tops.

George: All right. Let me ask you something: When do you start to worry about ear hair?
Jerry: When you hear like a soft rustling.
George: It's like puberty that never stops. Ear puberty, nose puberty, knuckle puberty, you gotta be vigilant.

Jerry: Hey, what were you doing with that bus yesterday?
Kramer: Here you go. Here you go. Check it out.
Jerry: "The Real Peterman Reality Bus Tour". I'm confused.
Kramer: Peterman's book is big business. People want to know the stories behind the stories.
Jerry: Nobody wants to go on a three hour bus tour of a totally unknown person's life.
Kramer: I'm only charging $37.50, plus you get a pizza bagel and desert.
George: What's desert?
Kramer: Bite-size 3 Musketeers. Just like the real Peterman eats.
George: He eats those?
Kramer: No. I eat those. I'm the real Peterman.

Kramer: [yelling] Hey, Jerry. I'm starting a Peterman Reality Bus Tour. Check it out. [laughs]
George: Reality tour?
Jerry: The last thing this guy's qualified to give a tour of is reality.

Jerry: So you're pretending to be a tourist?
George: It's beautiful. She makes all the plans. I'm not from around here so it's okay if I'm stupid. And she knows I'm only in town visiting so there's no messy breakups.
Jerry: How do you explain your apartment?
George: I got a hotel room.
Jerry: You moved into a hotel?
George: Well, I don't know anyone here, Jerry. Where else am I going to stay?

Elaine: This was my idea. You stole my idea.
Mr. Lippman: Elaine, these ideas are all in the air. They're in the air.
Elaine: Well, if that air is coming out of this face then it is my air and my idea.
Mr. Lippman: You want a muffin or not?
Elaine: Peach.

Jerry: You're moving to New York? That's fantastic. I can see you all the time now.
George: Eat me alive, huh? We'll see who can make it in this town. [chuckles]
Jerry: What is it she think you can't do?
George: Find a job. Get an apartment.
Jerry: How did you do those things?
George: Never mind. The're done. All I have to do now is redo them. You know, if you take everything I've ever done in my entire life and condense it down into one day, it looks decent.

George: Wait a minute. I think I understand this. J. Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real.
Kramer: Talk to me.
George: But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes you to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not really happen to the real Peterman which is you.
Kramer: Understand?
Jerry: Yeah. $37.50 for a 3 Musketeers.

Mr. Lippman: Elaine, I'm in over my head. Nobody likes my muffin tops.
Elaine: So? What do you want me to do about it?
Mr. Lippman: You're the muffin top expert. Tell me what I'm doing wrong.
Elaine: Mr. Lippman, when I worked for you at Pendent Publishing, I believed in you, you know as a man of integrity. But, when I saw you in that paper hat and that apron...
Mr. Lippman: What if I cut you in for 30% of the profits?
Elaine: Deal. Here's your problem. You're making just the muffin tops.
Mr. Lippman: What do you mean?
Elaine: You've gotta make the whole muffin. Then you... Pop the top, toss the stump. Taste.
Mr. Lippman: Ah. [takes a bite] Uh-hu.
Elaine: Yeah.
Mr. Lippman: So what do we with the bottoms?
Elaine: I don't know. Give them to a soup kitchen.
Mr. Lippman: That's a good idea.
Elaine: And one more thing, you really think we need the exclamation point? Because, it's not "Top of the Muffin TO YOU!"
Mr. Lippman: No. No, it is.

Rebecca: Are you the ones leaving those muffin pieces behind our shelter?
Elaine: You been enjoying them?
Rebecca: They're just stumps.
Elaine: Well, they're perfectly edible.
Rebecca: Oh, so you just assume that the homeless will eat them. They'll eat anything?
Mr. Lippman: No, no, we just thought...
Rebecca: I know what you thought. "They don't have homes. They don't have jobs. What do they need the top of a muffin for? They're lucky to get the stumps."
Elaine: If the homeless don't like them, the homeless don't have to eat them.
Rebecca: The homeless don't like them.
Elaine: Fine.
Rebecca: We've never gotten so many complaints. Every two minutes, "Where is the top of this muffin? Who ate the rest of this?"
Elaine: We were just trying to help.
Rebecca: Why don't you just drop off some chicken skins and lobster shells?
Elaine: I think I might.