Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Wizard’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Wizard

915. The Wizard

Aired February 26, 1998

As Kramer retires to Florida, Jerry visits Morty on his birthday. George gets caught in a lie with Susan Ross' parents. Meanwhile, Elaine is unsure of her boyfriend's ethnicity and doesn't know how to raise the topic.

Quote from George

Mr. Ross: Where are we, George?
George: Almost there.
Mr. Ross: This is the end of Long Island. Where's your house?
George: We go on foot from here.
Mr. Ross: All right.
George: [breaks] There's no house! It's a lie! There's no solarium. There's no Prickly Pete. There's no other solarium.
Mr. Ross: We know.
George: Then why? Why did you make me drive all the way out here? Why didn't you say something? [whimpering] Why? Why? Why?
Mrs. Ross: We don't like you, George.
Mr. Ross: And we always blamed you for what happened to Susan.
George: Oh.
Mr. Ross: All right. Let's head back.

Rate

Quote from Elaine

Darryl: So, what are you?
Elaine: I'm white.
Darryl: So we're just a couple of white people?
Elaine: I guess. [Darryl sighs] Yeah. So do you want to go to the Gap?
Darryl: Sure.

Quote from George

George: [on the phone] Mrs. Ross, it's George.
Mrs. Ross: Who?
George: George Costanza. Susan's, uh, friend? Long time no speak.
Mr. Ross: We're all out of lime juice. I told that woman to buy more.
Mrs. Ross: George, the Susan Ross Foundation is having an event this weekend.
George: Oh, I just leased a house out in the Hamptons and I have got to get out there this weekend and sign the papers.
Mr. Ross: I'm going back to bed.
Mrs. Ross: Thank you for calling, George.
George: Oh, sure. I mean, after all, you were almost my.... Okay, I gotta go. [hangs up]
Jerry: House in the Hamptons?
George: Well, you know, I've been lying about my income for a few years. I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Well, grab a cigar, boys. Yeah, it's time to celebrate.
Jerry: What are we celebrating?
Kramer: You remember my coffee table book?
Jerry: With the little legs.
Kramer: [pops] That's the one. A big Hollywood so-and-so optioned it for a movie.
George: How are they gonna make that book into a movie?
Kramer: Remember that photo book on toy ray guns?
George: Yeah.
Kramer: Independence Day?

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: How much are they paying you?
Kramer: Let's just say I don't have to worry about working for a while. A long while.
Jerry: That's funny, because I haven't seen you working... for a while. A long while.
Kramer: And you're not going to, because I'm hanging it up. Boys, I'm retiring.
Jerry: From what?
Kramer: From the grind. I mean, who needs it? You know, I've accomplished everything I've set out to do.
Jerry: What's that?
Kramer: Oh, bought myself a little retirement gift. A gold watch. [Jerry and George "ooh"] It's not really gold. [Jerry and George "ah"]

Quote from George

George: So, ran into the Rosses again.
Elaine: Oh, right, at the coffee shop. Where did they get the idea that you have a place in the Hamptons?
George: From me.
Elaine: What did you say?
George: I told them I have a place in the Hamptons. What did you say?
Elaine: I told them you didn't. And I laughed and I laughed.
George: So they know. Those liars.
Elaine: But you lied first.
George: But they let me go on and on all about the Hamptons. They never said a thing. You don't let somebody lie when you know. You call them a liar.
Elaine: Like you're a liar.
George: Yes. Thank you. Was that so hard?
Elaine: So this is over? Not over? I'm betting not over.
George: Not by a long shot. I'm calling up the Rosses and inviting them out to my nonexistent place in the Hamptons. Then we'll see who blinks first.
Elaine: Haven't you done enough to these people?
George: This is not about them. Now if you'll excuse me... I have to exercise Jerry's gaskets.

Quote from Jerry

George: What's that?
Jerry: It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm going to Florida for his birthday.
George: How much was it?
Jerry: Two hundred, but I'll tell him it was 50. He doesn't care for the gift, he gets excited about the deal.
George: Where are you getting a Wizard for $50?
Jerry: Eh, I'll tell him I got it on the street and maybe it's hot. That's his favorite.

Quote from George

George: I got a message from the Rosses at work today.
Jerry: Susan's parents? When's the last time you talked with them?
George: At the funeral, give or take. You know, deep down I always kind of felt that they blamed me for Susan's death.
Jerry: Why? Because you picked out the poison envelopes? That's silly.

Quote from George

George: So here I am. Ready to take you to the Hamptons.
Mrs. Ross: Sounds grand.
George: Do you have your bathing suits?
Mr. Ross: It's March.
George: Speak now or we are headed to the Hamptons. It's a two-hour drive. Once you get in that car we are going all the way to the Hamptons. [to himself] All right, you wanna get nuts... come on, let's get nuts!

Quote from George

George: And that leads into the master bedroom.
Mrs. Ross: Tell us more.
George: You wanna hear more? The master bedroom opens into the solarium.
Mr. Ross: Another solarium?
George: Yes, two solariums. Quite a find. And I have horses too.
Mr. Ross: What are their names?
George: Snoopy and Prickly Pete. Should I keep driving?
Mrs. Ross: Oh, look, an antique stand. Pull over. We'll buy you a housewarming gift.
George: [chuckles] A housewarming gift. All right, we're taking it up a notch.

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Morty Seinfeld: Another fine meal. And now for my Wizard tip calculator.
Jerry: Dad, it's got lots of other functions.
Morty Seinfeld: Don't worry. I'll get to the other functions. I can't get it open.
Helen Seinfeld: Yay, Jerry got it open.
Morty Seinfeld: The service was slow, and God forbid they should refill the water. How does 12.4 percent sound?
Jerry: Well, your tip is $4 and 36.6666 cents.
Morty Seinfeld: We'll round down.

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Helen Seinfeld: Jerry, it was so nice of you to come down here on your father's birthday. You've helped take his mind off the condo election.
Jerry: Right. You can't run for condo president because you were impeached at the other condo.
Morty Seinfeld: I was never impeached. I resigned.
Helen Seinfeld: Even so, the press would bury him.
Jerry: What press?
Helen Seinfeld: The condo newsletter. The Boca Breeze.
Morty Seinfeld: Pinko commie rag.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Is he black?
Jerry: Does it matter?
Elaine: No, of course not. I mean, I'd just like to know.
Jerry: So you need to know?
Elaine: No, I don't need to know. I just think it would be nice if I knew.
African-American Waitress: Shall I take that?
Jerry: One sec.
Elaine: Oh, here.
George: Oh, yeah, hang on.
[Jerry, Elaine and George reach into the pockets and add a very generous tip]

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Morty Seinfeld: Ooh, it's a radar detector.
Jerry: Radar detector. I've never seen you go over 20 miles an hour. You're like the grand marshal of the Rose Bowl parade. It's a Wizard organizer.
Morty Seinfeld: This looks like too much money.
Jerry: No, I got it from a guy on the street. It was like 50 bucks.
Morty Seinfeld: You think it's hot?
Jerry: Could be.
Morty Seinfeld: Attaboy. Helen, Jerry got me a hot Wizard computer.
Helen Seinfeld: I'm right here.

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Jerry: You can do everything with it. You can get e-mail, fax, there's a calculator.
Morty Seinfeld: So I can use it to figure out the tip?
Jerry: Yeah, I guess. But the really cool thing is the daily planner.
Morty Seinfeld: Helen, we can go to the restaurant to figure out the tips.
Helen Seinfeld: Jerry, you're getting your father too excited.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, buddy. When did you get in?
Jerry: Kramer, what are you doing here?
Kramer: I told you I was retiring. I moved in next door.
Helen Seinfeld: Mr. Cornstein died, and it's a beautiful apartment.
Kramer: Yeah, your folks said it was for rent, so I jumped on it.
Jerry: Kramer, you can't live down here. This is where people come to die. [to his parents] Not you. Older people.

Quote from Kramer

Helen Seinfeld: [slaps Kramer's hand] Don't eat cookies for breakfast. I'll fix you something. How about a feta cheese omelet?
Kramer: That sounds great, Mom.
Jerry: You feed him he'll never leave.
Helen Seinfeld: I don't have any feta. How about cottage cheese and egg beaters?
Kramer: I guess.
Jerry: I don't believe this.
Kramer: I know, I know. [jittery] Don't I look more relaxed?

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Oh, Mrs. Ross. Mr. Ross.
Mrs. Ross: Oh, you're George's friend.
Mr. Ross: We saw him in the city this weekend. What happened to his place in the Hamptons?
Elaine: The Hamptons? [laughs] George Costanza? [laughs] I don't think so. Have a good one. [laughs]

Quote from Elaine

Darryl: Elaine, thank you for the Wizard. Wow, it's got so many functions.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, forget about all that. First thing is first, warranty information. Name. We know that. Hobbies. Skiing, racquetball...
Darryl: Well, I don't do that stuff.
Elaine: It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Oh, Here's one. Race.
Darryl: Isn't that optional?
Elaine: It certainly should be. It's nobody's damn business. But they really would like to know.
Darryl: All right. I'm Asian.
Elaine: What?
Darryl: Just to mess with them. [chuckles]
Elaine: Right. Good one.
Darryl: Average income. Over a hundred thousand.
Elaine: Really?
Darryl: So does that matter?
Elaine: No. But it's very nice to know.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: [on the phone] So Kramer's running for president of the condo?
Jerry: Yeah. It's all my father's doing. He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power from behind the scenes. Preferably from the sauna in the clubhouse.
Elaine: Who are they running against?
Jerry: Common sense, and a guy in a wheelchair.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Hey, Dad, you know, you can program this thing to beep every time you need a vitamin.
[Kramer walks in]
Jerry: Dad, you look so different.
Kramer: We're campaigning, Jerry. To rule the people, one must walk among them.
Morty Seinfeld: This is the homestretch. Tomorrow's the election.
Kramer: Right, yeah. The poll's close after dinner. Three o'clock. But then when we win, the celebration goes all night until the break of 8 p.m.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Kramer, I can't get that many Wizards.
Kramer: What about your deal?
Jerry: I didn't have a deal. They're $200 a pop. What do I do?
Kramer: Well, don't worry. I know a guy.
Jerry: Down here?
Kramer: Yeah. Bob Saccamano's father.


 Episode 914 Episode 916 
  Select another episode