Elaine: Look, I was nice enough to pick it up for you
Jerry: Hey, I've been back four days. I want my mail.
Elaine: It's mostly bills, magazines and junk mail anyway.
Jerry: Elaine, that's what mail is. Without bills, magazines and junk mail, there is no mail.

Cheryl: What kind of a friend are you?
George: You see, I convinced him to act like that so that you would think I was funnier. That's how disturbed I am! If you want disturbed? That's disturbed. You can't find sickness like that anywhere. You think sickness like that grows on trees? Nobody is sicker than me. Nobody. He's pretending, I'm the genuine article.
Cheryl: So you're telling me Jerry's whole thing was an act?
George: Yes! And I put him up to it, because I'm sick! I'm the one that needs help.
Cheryl: I gotta go.
George: Well, should I call you later?
Cheryl: Please don't.
George: But- But I'm disturbed! I'm depressed! I'm inadequate! I got it all!

[stand-up:]
Jerry: What are lawyers, really? To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there's a problem, the lawyer is the only person that has read the inside of the top of the box. I think one of the fun things for them is to say, "objection." "Objection! Objection, your Honor." Objection, of course, is the adult version of, "afraid not." To which the judge can say two things, he can say, "overruled" which is the adult version of "afraid so," or he could say, "sustained," which is the adult version of "Duh."

Jerry: So yesterday, after they took you away, I looked in my mail and I noticed that the mailman accidentally put your visa renewal in my mail box.
Babu: Come again?
Jerry: You see, I've been home for a week and Elaine didn't give me my mail until yesterday, even though I asked her repeatedly for it.
Elaine: Yeah, but Babu, he could have come to my house to pick it up.
Babu: You had my visa application?!
Jerry: Well, not technically.
Babu: I kill you!
Jerry: Well, what about her?
Babu: I kill both of you!!
Jerry: Babu?!
Babu: No Babu! No Babu! You bad man! You very bad man! You very lazy, bad man!

George: You would not believe what just happened. I was waiting for you and this woman was sitting at the counter.
Elaine: What, the one who just left?
George: Yeah, yeah, and we started talking, and she's this lawyer who's incredible! You know, everything I said was funny! You know, she laughed at everything I said. She thinks I'm hilarious. You know in a way, it was almost too good. I started so good, I can't go any place but down now, you know? I got no place to go.

George: You see, this is what I do with women. I start out too strong. Now I have to become real. That's when it all falls apart. What good is real? They don't want real, they want funny.
Elaine: No, they don't.
George: Ooh, yes they do.
Elaine: No.
George: You gotta put on a show, you always gotta give them a big show. You always have to be "on", otherwise why would they like me? They'd just go for a better looking guy with more money. [Elaine nods her head] You mean that's true, I'm right?!

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I am for open immigration, but that sign we have on the front of the Statue of Liberty, "Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses...". Can't we just say, "Hey, the door's open, we'll take whoever you got."? Do we have to specify the "wretched refuse"? I mean, why don't we just say, "Give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, people that can't drive, if they have trouble merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal, they can't parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they're clogged, if they have bad penmanship, don't return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving... In other words, any dysfunctional, defective slob that you can somehow cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over, we want 'em."

Cheryl: Sorry, it was my aunt's birthday and she makes such a big deal about it.
Elaine: Well, nobody likes to get old, right?
Jerry: Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy birthday? No such thing.
George: Funny guy, huh?

Jerry: Babu, I'm gonna fix everything! I have a lawyer who knows someone in the Immigration Department, they're gonna straighten the whole thing out. The wheels are in motion. Things are happening even as we speak!
Babu: The wheels are in motion?
Jerry: The wheels are in motion. Things are happening!

Jerry: What happened?
Kramer: I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Yeah, I punched him and they took him to the hospital and then they canceled the rest of the week.
Elaine: You punched who in the mouth?
Kramer: Mickey Mantle.
Jerry: What happened?
Kramer: Well, you know, we were playing a game and, you know, I was pitching, and I was really throwing some smoke. And Joe Pepitone, he was up, and man that guy, you know, he was crowding the plate.
Jerry: Wow! Joe Pepitone!
Kramer: Yeah, well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate. So I throw one, you know, inside, you know, a little chin music, put him right on his pants. 'cause I gotta intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well, the next pitch, he's right back in the same place. So, I had to plunk him.
Jerry: You plunked him.
Kramer: Oh yeah. Well, he throws down his bat, he comes racing up to the mound. Next thing, both benches are cleared, you know? A brouhaha breaks out between the guys in the camp, you know, and the old Yankee players. And as I'm trying to get Moose Skowron off of one of my teammates, you know, somebody pulls
me from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him. I looked down, and whoa man, it's Mickey. I punched his lights out.
Jerry: Wow, this is incredible!