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‘The Visa’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Visa

415. The Visa

Aired January 27, 1993

When George dates a lawyer who thinks he's hilarious, he worries that she might find his friends funnier than him. Meanwhile, Jerry promises to help Babu Bhatt with an immigration issue.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: Look, I was nice enough to pick it up for you
Jerry: Hey, I've been back four days. I want my mail.
Elaine: It's mostly bills, magazines and junk mail anyway.
Jerry: Elaine, that's what mail is. Without bills, magazines and junk mail, there is no mail.

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Quote from George

Cheryl: What kind of a friend are you?
George: You see, I convinced him to act like that so that you would think I was funnier. That's how disturbed I am! If you want disturbed? That's disturbed. You can't find sickness like that anywhere. You think sickness like that grows on trees? Nobody is sicker than me. Nobody. He's pretending, I'm the genuine article.
Cheryl: So you're telling me Jerry's whole thing was an act?
George: Yes! And I put him up to it, because I'm sick! I'm the one that needs help.
Cheryl: I gotta go.
George: Well, should I call you later?
Cheryl: Please don't.
George: But- But I'm disturbed! I'm depressed! I'm inadequate! I got it all!

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: What are lawyers, really? To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there's a problem, the lawyer is the only person that has read the inside of the top of the box. I think one of the fun things for them is to say, "objection." "Objection! Objection, your Honor." Objection, of course, is the adult version of, "afraid not." To which the judge can say two things, he can say, "overruled" which is the adult version of "afraid so," or he could say, "sustained," which is the adult version of "Duh."

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: So yesterday, after they took you away, I looked in my mail and I noticed that the mailman accidentally put your visa renewal in my mail box.
Babu: Come again?
Jerry: You see, I've been home for a week and Elaine didn't give me my mail until yesterday, even though I asked her repeatedly for it.
Elaine: Yeah, but Babu, he could have come to my house to pick it up.
Babu: You had my visa application?!
Jerry: Well, not technically.
Babu: I kill you!
Jerry: Well, what about her?
Babu: I kill both of you!!
Jerry: Babu?!
Babu: No Babu! No Babu! You bad man! You very bad man! You very lazy, bad man!

Quote from George

George: You would not believe what just happened. I was waiting for you and this woman was sitting at the counter.
Elaine: What, the one who just left?
George: Yeah, yeah, and we started talking, and she's this lawyer who's incredible! You know, everything I said was funny! You know, she laughed at everything I said. She thinks I'm hilarious. You know in a way, it was almost too good. I started so good, I can't go any place but down now, you know? I got no place to go.

Quote from George

George: You see, this is what I do with women. I start out too strong. Now I have to become real. That's when it all falls apart. What good is real? They don't want real, they want funny.
Elaine: No, they don't.
George: Ooh, yes they do.
Elaine: No.
George: You gotta put on a show, you always gotta give them a big show. You always have to be "on", otherwise why would they like me? They'd just go for a better looking guy with more money. [Elaine nods her head] You mean that's true, I'm right?!

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I am for open immigration, but that sign we have on the front of the Statue of Liberty, "Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses...". Can't we just say, "Hey, the door's open, we'll take whoever you got."? Do we have to specify the "wretched refuse"? I mean, why don't we just say, "Give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, people that can't drive, if they have trouble merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal, they can't parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they're clogged, if they have bad penmanship, don't return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving... In other words, any dysfunctional, defective slob that you can somehow cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over, we want 'em."

Quote from Jerry

Cheryl: Sorry, it was my aunt's birthday and she makes such a big deal about it.
Elaine: Well, nobody likes to get old, right?
Jerry: Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy birthday? No such thing.
George: Funny guy, huh?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Babu, I'm gonna fix everything! I have a lawyer who knows someone in the Immigration Department, they're gonna straighten the whole thing out. The wheels are in motion. Things are happening even as we speak!
Babu: The wheels are in motion?
Jerry: The wheels are in motion. Things are happening!

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: What happened?
Kramer: I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Yeah, I punched him and they took him to the hospital and then they canceled the rest of the week.
Elaine: You punched who in the mouth?
Kramer: Mickey Mantle.
Jerry: What happened?
Kramer: Well, you know, we were playing a game and, you know, I was pitching, and I was really throwing some smoke. And Joe Pepitone, he was up, and man that guy, you know, he was crowding the plate.
Jerry: Wow! Joe Pepitone!
Kramer: Yeah, well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate. So I throw one, you know, inside, you know, a little chin music, put him right on his pants. 'cause I gotta intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well, the next pitch, he's right back in the same place. So, I had to plunk him.
Jerry: You plunked him.
Kramer: Oh yeah. Well, he throws down his bat, he comes racing up to the mound. Next thing, both benches are cleared, you know? A brouhaha breaks out between the guys in the camp, you know, and the old Yankee players. And as I'm trying to get Moose Skowron off of one of my teammates, you know, somebody pulls
me from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him. I looked down, and whoa man, it's Mickey. I punched his lights out.
Jerry: Wow, this is incredible!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Hey, is that Babu? It is! Hey, Babu!
Babu: Jerry!
Jerry: Look at you, you got the job.
Babu: Yes. Yes, they give me job thanks to you.
Jerry: Oh, I didn't do anything.
Babu: Yes, you do everything. Get me job, you get me a place to live in your building.
Jerry: Come on.
Babu: You very, very good man. You do everything for me. My family and I can never thank you enough for everything you do.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Remember Babu Bhatt?
George: Who's he?
Jerry: Remember that guy who opened the restaurant across the street from the building last year, and he wasn't doing so well, and I told him he should make it into all Pakistani and that drove him right out of business?

Quote from George

Jerry: [to Elaine] Can you bring my mail then?
George: What mail?
Elaine: I picked up his mail while he was on the road.
George: Why didn't Kramer pick it up?
Jerry: 'cause he's at that baseball fantasy camp in Florida.
George: Oh yeah, right. When's he coming back?
Jerry: Monday, I think.
George: Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating. That's a fantasy camp.

Quote from George

George: [sips wine] Excellent. Like I really know what I'm talking about.
Cheryl: [laughs]
George: Toasting makes me uncomfortable. But toast, I love. Never start the day without a good piece of toast. In fact, let's toast to toast.

Quote from George

Jerry: I mean, so what if I'm funny? Who cares?
Elaine: He thinks that if a woman sees a guy put on a better show, she'll walk out on his show, go see the other show.
Jerry: Well, should we leave?
George: Maybe you don't have to be so funny. I mean, would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That's all I'm asking. This woman thinks I'm very funny. Now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny.

Quote from George

George: What do you need her for? There's a million lawyers.
Jerry: Yeah, but you said this is one of the things that her firm does.
George: All right, all right. But no funny business. Same deal as last night.
Jerry: Ah, will you stop it already?
George: Jerry, please?
Jerry: How long is this gonna go on?
George: Till I'm comfortable.
Jerry: Well, when is that gonna be?
George: After consummation.
Jerry: Consummation? I don't think you have enough material.

Quote from Jerry

Cheryl: I actually have a friend in the Immigration Department who owes me a big favor. You're very lucky.
Jerry: [somber] That's wonderful news. Thank you.
Cheryl: You're a very serious person, aren't you?
Jerry: Well, with so many people in the world deprived and unhappy, it doesn't seem like it would be fair to be cheerful. [squats a fly with a newspaper]
Cheryl: I understand. [Jerry reaches for the milk] I think that's curdled.
Jerry: I don't care.
Cheryl: Do you ever laugh?
Jerry: Not really. Sometimes, when I'm in the tub.
Cheryl: That's so sad. What do you do?
Jerry: I'm a comedian.

Quote from Jerry

Babu: The problem is I never got my visa renewal form in the mail. I was expecting it.
Jerry: Yes. Well, see, here's the thing, Babu. Um, what happened was I was away for a couple of weeks doing some comedy shows.
Babu: Comedy shows! You're a very funny man.
Jerry: And, well, Elaine here was picking up my mail while I was away, because you know that little box can get very full.
Babu: Oh, yes. Yes, of course. TV Guide, magazines, everything. You know, I would have picked up your mail, your box is right next to mine.
Jerry: Oh, I don't want to bother you.
Babu: No bother! You get me job, you get me apartment. You very very good man.

Quote from George

George: Jerry?
Cheryl: I'm very attracted to him.
George: You think the person you were talking to is him? That's not even close to him. He's funny, Jerry's funny.
Cheryl: He never said anything funny.
George: He can't not be funny.
Cheryl: No, no, no. He's dark. And disturbed.
George: Dark and disturbed? His whole life revolves around Superman and cereal.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Well, I just came back from Mickey Mantle's restaurant.
Jerry: How could you go in there?
Kramer: Well, I had to. I had to apologize. I mean, I punched Mickey Mantle, my idol. It was eating me up inside!
Jerry: Well, what happened?
Kramer: I got down in my knees and went, "Go ahead, Mickey. Hit me. I'm begging you, Mickey, please hit me. C'mon, hit me. I love you, Mickey, I love you!"
Elaine: So, what did he do?
Kramer: Well, the four of them, they picked me up by my pants and they threw me outside, right into a horse.


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