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‘The Wink’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Wink

704. The Wink

Aired October 12, 1995

George can't stop winking after a piece of grapefruit squirts in his eye. Elaine dates her wake-up service guy. Meanwhile, Jerry dates Elaine's cousin who doesn't like his low-meat diet, and Kramer promises a sick kid that a baseball player will score two home runs for him.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: So where is my jacket?
Elaine: Oh, I must have left it at Jame's
Jerry: You spent the night at James's? Did we?
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we reversed positions so there was no funny business.
Jerry: Reversed positions?
Elaine: Yeah, you know, head to toe.
Jerry: So what? Your genitals are still lined up.
Elaine: No, because I slept with my back to him.
[The guys say nothing]

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: It seems like every morning when you wake up, it's like your being born all over again. You ever have that feeling? Because you can't see, you can't talk. You're on your way to the bathroom trying to remember, "How do I walk?" It's like you've never been alive before. But if any invention marks the decline of human civilization, I think it would have to be the snooze alarm. The snooze alarm is based on the idea that when the alarm goes off, you are not getting up. You're not even awake, you're already a failure. They should sell the snooze alarm with an unemployment application and a bottle of tequila. Just make it a "complete pathetic loser kit".

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Elaine, what percentage of people would you say are good looking?
Elaine: Twenty-five percent.
Jerry: Twenty-five percent? No way! It's like 4 to 6 percent. It's a 20-to-one shot.
Elaine: You're way off.
Jerry: Way off? Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's like a leper colony down there.
Elaine: So, basically, what you are saying is that 90 to 95 percent of the population is undatable?
Jerry: Undatable!
Elaine: Then how are all these people getting together?
Jerry: Alcohol.

Quote from Jerry

Waiter: Ready?
Holly: I'll have the porterhouse medium rare, baked potato with sour cream.
Jerry: What do you recommend besides the steak?
Waiter: The lamb chops are good.
Jerry: Anything lighter? How do you prepare the chicken?
Waiter: It's a full bird. Stuffed with ham, topped with gorganzola.
Jerry: You know what? I think I'll just have the salad.
Waiter: [gives Holly a look] Thank you.
Jerry: [inner monologue] Just a salad? Just a salad? Just a salad?

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: But you're going over there for dinner tonight, right?
Elaine: Uh-huh..
Jerry: What is she making?
Elaine: I don't know. But I'm sure it had... parents. Call her up. She won't mind if you come.
Jerry: Oh, don't worry. I'll be there and I'll be packing an artery.

Quote from Jerry

Holly: So, is the chop the way you like it?
Jerry: I usually like mine with an angioplasty.

Quote from Mr. Steinbrenner

George: You wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner?
Mr. Steinbrenner: Yes, George, please, come in, come in. Thanks for the card. I loved it. Gosh it made me feel good. You know, George, word has it that you were the brains behind the whole thing.
George: Oh, no, not just me, the whole organization, you know. Especially Mr. Morgan.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Morgan. Morgan. You know, his name is conspicuously absent from this card. Almost like he went out of his way not to sign it.
George: Oh no, Morgan is a good man sir.
Mr. Steinbrenner: You can stop kowtowing to Morgan. Congratulations, you've got his job.
George: Well- Uh, thank you, sir. You know, I'm not quite sure I'm right for it.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Oh, it's done, George. He's out, you're in. A lot more work you know.
George: I know.
Mr. Steinbrenner: A lot more responsibility. Long, long hours.
George: I know.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Not much more money. But you'll finally get the recognition you deserve.
George: That's what I'm afraid of. You know, Mr. Steinbrenner-0
Mr. Steinbrenner: You know, George, as painful as it is, I've had to let a few people go over the years. Yogi Berra, Lou Piniella, Bucky Dent, Billy Martin, Dallas Green, Dick Hauser, Bill Virdon, Billy Martin, Stump Merrill, Billy Martin, Bob Lemon, Billy Martin, Gene Michael, Buck Showalter... Uh, tut! George, you didn't hear that from me. [George exits] George!

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: [answers phone] Hello.
James: This is your wake up service. It's 7:15
Elaine: Oh, God. Oh, I could use a few more hours sleep.
James: Hot date last night?
Elaine: I wish.
James: A woman with a sexy voice like yours, it'ss hard to believe your waking up alone.
Elaine: Really? Thank you, Tri-State Wake-up Service Person.
James: Call me James.
Elaine: Oh, all right, James.

Quote from Elaine

George: Your wake up guy asked you out?
Elaine: Yeah, I've never seen him but I feel like we have this weirdly intimate relationship. You know, I mean, I'm lying in bed, I'm wearing my nightie.
Jerry: I don't know. Blind date?
Elaine: What? You want to go out with my cousin Holly. You've never met her.
Jerry: Yeah, but I've seen pictures of her.
Elaine: Well, at least I've spoken to my guy. You're going out on a deaf date.

Quote from George

Wilhelm: George, have you seen Morgan?
George: No.
Wilhelm: He's been coming in late all week. Is there something wrong?
George: No, not that I know of. [winks]
Wilhelm: Really? Hmm. Make sure he signs this. Oh, look George, if there's a problem with Morgan you can tell me.
George: Morgan? No. He's doing a great job. [winks]
Wilhelm: I understand.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I still can't believe, you're going out on a blind date.
Elaine: I'm not worried. It sounds like he's really good looking.
Jerry: You're going by sound? What are we, whales?

Quote from George

Elaine: [to George who is winking] What is your problem?
George: No problem here.
Elaine: You keep winking at me. That's really obnoxious.
George: I had no idea.
Elaine: Right there. Right there. You just did it again.
George: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. It's from that grapefruit that Jerry squirted at me.
Elaine: Your eye still hurts?
George: Yeah, yeah. You must have squirted a piece of pulp in it too.
Jerry: Pulp couldn't make it across the table.
George: Pulp can move, Baby!

Quote from Jerry

George: Why can't you eat a real breakfast?
Jerry: Hey, I eat healthy. If I have to take out an eye, that's the breaks.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, guys.
Jerry: Hello, Jughead.
Kramer: Hello Archie, Veronica, Mr. Weatherbee.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Is this Don Matingly's signature?
George: Yeah.
Kramer: And Buck Showalter's?
George: It's an inter-office envelope. It get passed around all over the office.
Kramer: Hey, can I show this to my buddy Stubbs? He runs a sports memorabilia store. He'll pay top dollar for pro autographs.
George: Yeah, like I'm going to risk my job with the New York Yankees to make a few extra bucks. [winks]
Kramer: No, of course not. [winks]

Quote from George

George: Is that the lovely Mrs. Morgan?
Mrs. Morgan: Hello.
Mr. Morgan: Oh, by the way, have you got that birthday card?
George: Birthday card?
Mr. Morgan: Mr. Steinbrenner's birthday card. Wilhem said you'd have it for me to sign.
George: Oh... I, uh, will have that for you by after lunch.
Mr. Morgan: Fine. I'll be back after my massage.
George: Of course. Your massage. [winks] Enjoy your massage. [winks]

Quote from Jerry

Holly: I can't believe Elaine's never taken you here before.
Jerry: Well, I'm not really that much of a meat eater.
Holly: You don't eat meat? What, ae you one of those...
Jerry: Well, no, I'm not one of those.
Holly: When we were little girls, Grandma Mema would take us to a matinee and then dinner here.
Jerry: Grandma Mema?
Holly: Elaine must have mentioned Grandma Mema.
Jerry: No, I think I would have remembered Mema.
Holly: Oh well, that's typical. Elaine never liked Grandma Mema.

Quote from George

George: Hey, Mr. Morgan how was your massage?
Mr. Morgan: Oh, I had to cancel it. For some reason my wife got it into her head that it was more than just a massage.
George: Really?
Mr. Morgan: Yeah. Anyway, we got into this big fight at lunch. It looks like tonight I'll be sleeping on the couch.
George: Hey, listen don't oversleep. You can't afford to be late again.
Mr. Morgan: I know. Somebody around here has been giving Wilhelm the impression that I have been slacking off.
George: Geez. Hey, you know something, you should try my friend's wake up service. She swears by this thing.
Mr. Morgan: Costanza, you may be my only friend around here. By the way, you got that birthday card?
George: Ah, not yet.
Mr. Morgan: Just make sure Steinbrenner doesn't get it until I sign it.
George: Yes, sir!

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: I just don't understand it as soon as I met these dogs they started growling at me.
Jerry: Well, maybe his dogs heard about how you tried to kidnap that other dog. These mutts like to gossip.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Did she mention anything about our lunch?
Elaine: Uh, kind of.
Jerry: What do you mean, "kind of"?
Elaine: I mean, she thought it was kind of strange to just order a salad. You know, for a man.
Jerry: Like a quiche thing?
Elaine: You're in the ballpark.
Jerry: Salad! What was I thinking? Women don't respect salad eaters.
Elaine: You got that right.

Quote from George

George: What is this?
Kramer: Your cut of the loot. Stubs gave me 200 dollars for the autographed birthday card that was inside.
George: Who told you to sell the card?
Kramer: You did.
George: No, I didn't!
Kramer: Well, not in so many words but I believe we had an understanding. [winks]
George: I was not winking, you idiot. That was the grapefruit. It's like acid. I need that card back. It's Mr. Steinbrenner's. I was responsible.
Kramer: Well, Stubs already sold it to some guy who's kid's in the hospital .
George: Well, get it back! It's very important.
Kramer: Look, do you want me to get it back or not?
George: [holds eyes wide open] Get it back!

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Such a lovely table setting. Oh, wear did you get these napkins?
Holly: They're grandma Mema's.
Elaine: Oh, I don't remember them.
Holly: Oh, you wouldn't. She only used them on special occasions.
Elaine: Special occasions? It wasn't special when my family visited?

Quote from Jerry

Holly: Everybody like mutton?
Jerry: Mmm. Mutton! Hope you didn't cut the fat off.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Bobby, uh, what if I told you a very important person at the New York Yankees needed this card back?
Bobby: Oh, no. I'd never part with this card for anything in the world.
Kramer: Well, uh, Bobby, uh, who's your favorite Yankee?
Bobby: Paul O'Neill.
Kramer: All right. What if I tell Paul O'Neill to hit a home run tomorrow, just for you?
Bobby: Would he? Paul O'Neill would do that?
Kramer: For you he would.
Bobby: Would he hit two home runs?
Kramer: Two? Sure kid, yeah. But then you gotta promise you'll do something for me.
Bobby: I know. Get out of this bed one day and walk again.
Kramer: Yeah, that would be nice. But I really just need this card.

Quote from Jerry

Helen Seinfeld: Jerry, I'm thrilled you like my mutton. I was afraid you only ate salads.
Jerry: Hey, salad's got nothing on this mutton.
Holly: That is so funny. Did you just make that up?
Jerry: I wish I could take credit for it. It's actually the line my butcher uses when we're chewing the fat.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Down boy. Nice doggy. I'm a nice person. Don't believe what you hear.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: Elaine, what are you doing in this neighborhood?
Elaine: Did you hide with the dogs?
Jerry: Yeah, they're in the kitchen. It's okay. Quite! What's going on?
Elaine: Oh, God. These dogs were chasing me. And no cab would stop and I had to get off the street. Then I remembered that you lived here.
Jerry: Why were dogs chasing you?
Elaine: They just don't like me. It's a long story. You know, I can tell you about it someday but I can't tell you right now.
Jerry: I would ask you to stay tonight, but I only have the sofa bed and it's where I sleep.
Elaine: We'll have to sleep head to toe.
Jerry: Head to toe?
Elaine: Head to toe.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: My cousin Holly is completely insane. She keeps calling and accusing me of stealing her napkins.
George: Napkins?
Elaine: I mean, why? Why would I take her stupid napkins?
Jerry: Because they were in the pockets of my jacket.
Elaine: They were?
Jerry: Yes. I was using them to spit out the mutton.
Elaine: You spit it out? I had dogs chasing me for that. I was almost mauled because of that mutton.
George: What exactly is mutton?
Jerry: I don't know and I didn't want to find out.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: It's about a little boy in a hospital. I was wondering if you could do something to lift his spirits.
Paul O'Neill: Sure, I can help you there.
Kramer: Sure, well I promised you would hit him two home runs.
Paul O'Neill: You what?
Kramer: You know, [clock]. A couple of dingers.
Paul O'Neill: You promised a kid in the hospital that I would hit two home runs?
Kramer: Yeah, what no good?
Paul O'Neill: Yeah. No, that's no good. It's terrible. You don't hit home runs like that. It's hard to hit home runs. And where the heck did you get two from?
Kramer: Well, two is better than one.
Paul O'Neill: See, that's ridiculous. I'm not a home run hitter.
Kramer: Well, Babe Ruth did it.
Paul O'Neill: He did not.
Kramer: Oh, do you say that Babe Ruth is a liar?
Paul O'Neill: I'm not calling him a liar but he was not stupid enough to promise two.
Kramer: Well, maybe I did overextend myself.
Paul O'Neill: How the heck did you get in here anyway?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: It's hot in here. Hey, Bobby, can I have some of your juice?
Bobby: [guards his juice] After Paul O'Neill hits his first home run.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Hey. What's all this?
Holly: I decided I was going to make you dinner.
Jerry: I thought we were going out.
Holly: Well, after you scarfed up my mutton I had the irresistible urge to make pork chops for you. Well, I said hello to Franco for you.
Jerry: Franco?
Holly: Your butcher, down the street.
Jerry: Oh. I bet he acted aloof like he didn't know me.
Holly: A little.
Jerry: That is so Franco.

Quote from Kramer

Bobby: Hey.
Kramer: Huh?
Bobby: That's not a home run.
Kramer: Well, maybe not technically, but …
Bobby: You said he'd hit two home runs.
Kramer: Oh, come on. Bobby, Bobby! That's just as good!
Bobby: Well, you're not taking that card.
Kramer: Now, Bobby. Bobby, we had a deal. Come on, gimme that...

Quote from George

Wilhelm: I still want to know what happened to that birthday card? Now, Morgan, did you ever sign it?
Mr. Morgan: No, sir. George never gave it to me.
George: No, that's right. I didn't. I take full responsibility for the card not being here. I, uh, . . .
Kramer: [enters] I got it.
Wilhelm: What's this?
Kramer: Oh, it's a birthday card. Yeah. Oh, by the way, tomorrow night, Paul O'Neill has to catch a fly ball in his hat.
Wilhelm: George, this is beautiful. Why didn't you tell me you were going to have it mounted like this?
Kramer: And you were probably just going to stick it in an envelope.
Wilhelm: [laughs] Ah, George, keep up the good work.
Mr. Morgan: [laughs] Well, you screwed me again, Costanza. How am I supposed to sign the card now when it's already under glass?

Quote from Jerry

Holly: Excuse me. What are those dogs wearing?
James: Oh, bandannas, aren't they cute?
Holly: You gave Mema's napkins to some dogs?!
Jerry: Hey, what happened to my jacket?
James: Oh, the dogs did that. But it wasn't their fault, somebody stuffed some strange meat in the pocket.
Holly: Was it mutton?
James: Could have been.
Holly: Do you always stuff meat in your pocket? [dogs climb on sofa]
Jerry: Uh, sometimes I use the sofa.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I think I'd rather go out on a deaf date than a blind date. The question is whether you'd rather date the blind or the deaf.
Elaine: Ah.
George: Now you're off on a topic.
Jerry: See, now, I think, I would rather date the deaf.
Elaine: Uh-huh.
Jerry: Because I think the blind would probably be a little messier around the house. I mean, let's face it, they're not going to get all the crumbs. I'd constantly be walking around with a sponge.
George: You see, I disagree. I'd rather be dating the blind. You know, you could let the house go. You could let yourself go. A good looking blind woman doesn't really know that you're not good enough for her.
Elaine: I think she'd figure it out soon enough.


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