Jerry: So where is my jacket?
Elaine: Oh, I must have left it at Jame's
Jerry: You spent the night at James's? Did we?
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we reversed positions so there was no funny business.
Jerry: Reversed positions?
Elaine: Yeah, you know, head to toe.
Jerry: So what? Your genitals are still lined up.
Elaine: No, because I slept with my back to him.
[The guys say nothing]

Waiter: Ready?
Holly: I'll have the porterhouse medium rare, baked potato with sour cream.
Jerry: What do you recommend besides the steak?
Waiter: The lamb chops are good.
Jerry: Anything lighter? How do you prepare the chicken?
Waiter: It's a full bird. Stuffed with ham, topped with gorganzola.
Jerry: You know what? I think I'll just have the salad.
Waiter: [gives Holly a look] Thank you.
Jerry: [inner monologue] Just a salad? Just a salad? Just a salad?

[stand-up:]
Jerry: It seems like every morning when you wake up, it's like your being born all over again. You ever have that feeling? Because you can't see, you can't talk. You're on your way to the bathroom trying to remember, "How do I walk?" It's like you've never been alive before. But if any invention marks the decline of human civilization, I think it would have to be the snooze alarm. The snooze alarm is based on the idea that when the alarm goes off, you are not getting up. You're not even awake, you're already a failure. They should sell the snooze alarm with an unemployment application and a bottle of tequila. Just make it a "complete pathetic loser kit".

Jerry: Elaine, what percentage of people would you say are good looking?
Elaine: Twenty-five percent.
Jerry: Twenty-five percent? No way! It's like 4 to 6 percent. It's a 20-to-one shot.
Elaine: You're way off.
Jerry: Way off? Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's like a leper colony down there.
Elaine: So, basically, what you are saying is that 90 to 95 percent of the population is undatable?
Jerry: Undatable!
Elaine: Then how are all these people getting together?
Jerry: Alcohol.

Jerry: But you're going over there for dinner tonight, right?
Elaine: Uh-huh..
Jerry: What is she making?
Elaine: I don't know. But I'm sure it had... parents. Call her up. She won't mind if you come.
Jerry: Oh, don't worry. I'll be there and I'll be packing an artery.

Holly: So, is the chop the way you like it?
Jerry: I usually like mine with an angioplasty.

George: You wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner?
Mr. Steinbrenner: Yes, George, please, come in, come in. Thanks for the card. I loved it. Gosh it made me feel good. You know, George, word has it that you were the brains behind the whole thing.
George: Oh, no, not just me, the whole organization, you know. Especially Mr. Morgan.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Morgan. Morgan. You know, his name is conspicuously absent from this card. Almost like he went out of his way not to sign it.
George: Oh no, Morgan is a good man sir.
Mr. Steinbrenner: You can stop kowtowing to Morgan. Congratulations, you've got his job.
George: Well- Uh, thank you, sir. You know, I'm not quite sure I'm right for it.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Oh, it's done, George. He's out, you're in. A lot more work you know.
George: I know.
Mr. Steinbrenner: A lot more responsibility. Long, long hours.
George: I know.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Not much more money. But you'll finally get the recognition you deserve.
George: That's what I'm afraid of. You know, Mr. Steinbrenner-0
Mr. Steinbrenner: You know, George, as painful as it is, I've had to let a few people go over the years. Yogi Berra, Lou Piniella, Bucky Dent, Billy Martin, Dallas Green, Dick Hauser, Bill Virdon, Billy Martin, Stump Merrill, Billy Martin, Bob Lemon, Billy Martin, Gene Michael, Buck Showalter... Uh, tut! George, you didn't hear that from me. [George exits] George!

Elaine: [answers phone] Hello.
James: This is your wake up service. It's 7:15
Elaine: Oh, God. Oh, I could use a few more hours sleep.
James: Hot date last night?
Elaine: I wish.
James: A woman with a sexy voice like yours, it'ss hard to believe your waking up alone.
Elaine: Really? Thank you, Tri-State Wake-up Service Person.
James: Call me James.
Elaine: Oh, all right, James.

George: Your wake up guy asked you out?
Elaine: Yeah, I've never seen him but I feel like we have this weirdly intimate relationship. You know, I mean, I'm lying in bed, I'm wearing my nightie.
Jerry: I don't know. Blind date?
Elaine: What? You want to go out with my cousin Holly. You've never met her.
Jerry: Yeah, but I've seen pictures of her.
Elaine: Well, at least I've spoken to my guy. You're going out on a deaf date.

Wilhelm: George, have you seen Morgan?
George: No.
Wilhelm: He's been coming in late all week. Is there something wrong?
George: No, not that I know of. [winks]
Wilhelm: Really? Hmm. Make sure he signs this. Oh, look George, if there's a problem with Morgan you can tell me.
George: Morgan? No. He's doing a great job. [winks]
Wilhelm: I understand.