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‘The Pen’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Pen

303. The Pen

Aired October 2, 1991

When Jerry and Elaine visit his parents in Florida, Jerry causes an argument when accepts a pen from a friend of theirs.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: What is going on in this community! Are you people aware of what's happening? What is driving you to this behavior? Is it the humidity? Is it the Muzak? Is it the white shoes?

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Is Florida not hot and muggy enough for these people? They love heat. I mean, if they ever decide to land men on the sun, I think these old retired guys would be the only ones that will be able to handle it. They'll just sit there on the sun, on the redwood benches, washcloth on the head going: "I'm trying to get a sweat going."

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I have never seen an old person in a new bathing suit in my life. I don't know where they get their bathing suits, but my father has bathing suits from other centuries. My parents live in Florida. And if you go down there and you forget your bathing suits, then they want you to wear one of theirs. You know how that gets? "You need trunks, son? I've got trunks for you. You can wear my trunks." Fathers don't wear bathing suits, they wear trunks. It's kind of the same thing a tree would wear if it went swimming. So I get in the water with in thing and it's like floating around me somewhere. Did you ever put on a bathing suit that you don't even know exactly where you are inside the bathing suit? You bump into somebody you know: "No, I'm parasailing, I'm waiting for the boat to come back."

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Come in.
Jerry: Are you okay in here?
Elaine: Why is it so hot in here? How can they sleep like this?
Jerry: It's only for three days. Today's over and we have tomorrow. We leave on Sunday. It's one day, really.
Elaine: Oh, man. What is with this bar? It's right in my back. It's killing me.
Jerry: Oh, you wanna switch? I'm sleeping on a love seat. I've got my feet up in the air like I'm in a space capsule.
Elaine: I am never gonna fall asleep.
Jerry: Oh, don't say that. You'll jinx me.
Elaine: How can they not put the air conditioning on?
Jerry: They're nuts with temperature.
Elaine: This bar is right in my back! It's making a dent.
Jerry: How about that guy writing a check for 19.45?
Elaine: I'm sweating here. I'm in bed, sweating.
Jerry: It's one day. Half a day, really. I mean you subtract showers and meals, it's like twenty minutes. It will go by like that. [snaps fingers]

Quote from Helen Seinfeld

Elaine: Mrs. Seinfeld, please. I am begging you. Put the air conditioner on.
Helen Seinfeld: You're hot?
Elaine: I've lost 6 pounds.
Helen Seinfeld: I don't even know how to work it.
Morty Seinfeld: I keep telling her it's like an oven in here.

Quote from Helen Seinfeld

Helen Seinfeld: Maybe you shouldn't go tonight.
Elaine: No, no, no. I wanna go.
Helen Seinfeld: But your back hurts.
Morty Seinfeld: Maybe a couple of muscle relaxers would help.
Elaine: Oh, oh, O.K. [Helen wraps herself tight in a sweater] You can turn down the air conditioning if you want.
Helen Seinfeld: No. I'm fine.
Elaine: You're not too cold?
Helen Seinfeld: No.

Quote from Elaine

Stella: Hello.
Jerry: Elaine, this is my aunt Stella.
Elaine: [as Brando] Stella! Stella!
Jerry: Her back hurts.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: Five more days?
Jerry: Well, today's almost over. And weekdays always go by fast. Friday we're leaving. So it's like two days really. It's like a cup of coffee. It will go by like that. [snaps]

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Helen Seinfeld: They were supposed to be here at 7:30. Call the airlines again.
Morty Seinfeld: What happened to the scotch tape? Who takes the scotch tape? Nobody returns anything around here.
Helen Seinfeld: Oh, I think that's them!
Morty Seinfeld: You what I'll do next time? I'll hide it so nobody can find it.

Quote from Helen Seinfeld

Morty Seinfeld: So, what took you so long?
Jerry: Uh, we waited 35 minutes in the rent-a-car place.
Helen Seinfeld: I don't know why you had to rent a car. We would have picked you up.
Jerry: What's the difference?
Helen Seinfeld: Well, you could have used our car.
Jerry: I don't wanna use your car.
Helen Seinfeld: What's wrong with our car?
Jerry: Nothing. It's a fine car. What if you wanna use it?
Helen Seinfeld: We don't use it.
Morty Seinfeld: What are you talking? We use it.
Helen Seinfeld: If you were using it, we wouldn't use it.
Jerry: So what would you do? You'd hitch?

Quote from Jerry

Helen Seinfeld: How much is a rent-a-car?
Jerry: I don't know. 25 bucks a day.
Helen Seinfeld: What? You're crazy.
Morty Seinfeld: Plus the insurance.
Jerry: Oh, I didn't get the insurance.
Morty Seinfeld: How could you not get the insurance?
Helen Seinfeld: We'll pay for the car.
Jerry: You're not paying for it.
Helen Seinfeld: Morty.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: God, it's so hot in here. Why don't you put on the air conditioning?
Helen Seinfeld: You don't need the air conditioner. So, you have your speech all ready?
Jerry: It's not a speech. Do I have to make a speech?
Helen Seinfeld: Of course, they're giving a testimonial for your father. You could do your comic routines.
Jerry: Oh, yeah. That will go over real well with that crowd.

Quote from Helen Seinfeld

Elaine: Ooh, you have a lake?
Jerry: The lake isn't real.
Helen Seinfeld: The lake is real.
Morty Seinfeld: Are you kidding? They built the lake.
Helen Seinfeld: But it's real. It's water.

Quote from Helen Seinfeld

Helen Seinfeld: Where are you going with those?
Jerry: I'm gonna put Elaine's stuff in here.
Helen Seinfeld: Don't sleep in there. You can you sleep in the bedroom.
Elaine: I can't take your bedroom.
Helen Seinfeld: I'm up at 6 o'clock in the morning.
Elaine: I can't kick you out of your bed.
Helen Seinfeld: We don't even sleep.

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Helen Seinfeld: But this is a sofa bed, you'll be uncomfortable.
Jerry: [to Morty] What about you?
Morty Seinfeld: Why should I be comfortable?
Jerry: [to Helen] What about him?
Helen Seinfeld: Don't worry, he's comfortable.
Morty Seinfeld: I'll sleep standing up. I'll be fine.

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Helen Seinfeld: [quietly] What happened?
Jerry: I don't know. We decided we don't really work as a couple.
Helen Seinfeld: What does that mean?
Jerry: Well...
Morty Seinfeld: [loudly] Why are you whispering?
Jerry: Shh! Nothing, nothing.
Helen Seinfeld: Elaine.
Morty Seinfeld: [still loud] What about her?

Quote from Jerry

[As Jerry talks about Elaine to his parents, he changes the conversation when Elaine walks in the room]
Jerry: But, you know, look at the sun-dried tomatoes. Where were they five years ago? You know, It just goes to show you. You never know what... You know what, huh... What could happen to a vegetable. It could just take right off at any time.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: We've tried all kind of arrangements, but we can't seem to be friend when we sleep together.
Morty Seinfeld: Why do you need more friends? You've got plenty of friends.
Helen Seinfeld: He's an idealist.
Morty Seinfeld: What the hell are you looking for?
Jerry: I'm looking. That's the point. I like looking.
Helen Seinfeld: He likes looking.
Morty Seinfeld: So look.
Helen Seinfeld: But how long can you look?
Jerry: I'm going for the record.

Quote from Helen Seinfeld

Jack: So Jerry, you came all the way down here for this?
Elaine: And scuba diving.
Helen Seinfeld: Scuba diving? Who's going scuba diving?
Jerry: We're going scuba diving. We'll be back in time.
Helen Seinfeld: What do you have to go scuba diving for?
Jerry: For fun.
Helen Seinfeld: For fun?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: What kind of pen is that?
Jack: This pen?
Jerry: Yeah.
Jack: This is an astronaut pen. It writes upside down. They use this in space.
Jerry: Wow! That's the astronaut pen. I heard about that. Where did you get it?
Jack: Oh, it was a gift.
Jerry: Cause sometimes I write in bed and I have to turn and lean on my elbow to make the pen works.
Jack: Take the pen.

Quote from Helen Seinfeld

Helen Seinfeld: What'd you take his pen for?
Jerry: What? He gave it to me.
Helen Seinfeld: You didn't have to take it.
Morty Seinfeld: Oh my God! She's gotta make a big deal out of everything.
Jerry: He offered it to me.
Helen Seinfeld: Because you made such a big fuss about it.
Jerry: I liked it. Should I have said I didn't like it?
Helen Seinfeld: You shouldn't have said anything. What did you expect him to do?
Jerry: He could have said: "Thank you, I like it too." and put it back in his pocket.
Helen Seinfeld: He loves that pen.
Morty Seinfeld: Oh, come on!
Helen Seinfeld: He talks about it all the time. Every time he takes it out he goes on and on about how it writes upside down, how the astronauts use it.
Jerry: If he likes it so much, he never should have offered it.
Helen Seinfeld: He didn't think you'd accept.
Jerry: Well, he was wrong.
Helen Seinfeld: I know his wife. She has some mouth on her. She'll tell everyone in the condo now that you made him give you the pen. They're talking about it right now.

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Jerry: So you want me to return it?
Helen Seinfeld: Yes.
Morty Seinfeld: He's not gonna return the pen. That's ridiculous.
Jerry: Hey, I don't even want the pen now!
Morty Seinfeld: Jack can afford to give away a pen with all his money. Believe me. He gives me a check for 19.45. He didn't have a Coke. Ho, ho, ho!
Elaine: Here, let me see it. [takes the pen and a pad] Hey, it writes upside down.

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Morty Seinfeld: Stay on 95 South to Biscayne Boulevard. Then you make a left turn. Put you blinker on immediately, there's an abutment there. Then you're gonna merge over very quickly, but stay on Biscayne. Don't get off Biscayne. You understand me?
Jerry: Stay on Biscayne.

Quote from Helen Seinfeld

Helen Seinfeld: You're going underwater?
Jerry: Yes, generally, that's where scuba diving is done.
Helen Seinfeld: What do you have to go underwater for? What's down there that's so special?
Jerry: What's so special up here?

Quote from Elaine

Helen Seinfeld: What's the matter?
Elaine: My back.
Helen Seinfeld: What happened?
Elaine: That... That bed. The bar was right in my back.
Helen Seinfeld: [to Jerry] I told you to let us sleep in there.
Jerry: Then you would be hunched over.

Quote from Helen Seinfeld

Jerry: Why don't you get a new sofa?
Morty Seinfeld: Nobody uses it.
Jerry: I'm buying you a new sofa.
Helen Seinfeld: Oh, Jerry, don't talk crazy.

Quote from Helen Seinfeld

Evelyn: That's some good pen. It writes upside down.
Elaine: The astronauts use them.
Helen Seinfeld: What did Blanche say?
Evelyn: I don't know. She said Jerry wanted the pen.
Jerry: I never really wanted the pen.
Morty Seinfeld: He gave him the pen.
Helen Seinfeld: Morty.
Evelyn: Why you don't like the pen?
Jerry: No, no, I...
Evelyn: Cause if you don't like it, give it back to him.
Helen Seinfeld: Is that what she said?
Evelyn: Who?
Helen Seinfeld: Blanche.
Evelyn: What are you talking about?
Helen Seinfeld: [answers the phone] Hello? Oh, hello, Gussy. What? Jerry wouldn't do that. Jack gave it to him. All he said was he liked it. I mean nobody put a gun to his head. [to Jerry] You're giving him back that pen.

Quote from Jerry

Helen Seinfeld: What happened to your eyes?
Jerry: Well, I started to go under...
Helen Seinfeld: With the instructor?
Jerry: Yeah, and I got about ten feet down and I felt this tremendous pressure on my mask. Like my eyeballs were being sucked out of their sockets.

Quote from Jerry

Jack: What happened to you?
Jerry: I got in a fist fight with one of the ladies at the pool.
Helen Seinfeld: It's from scuba diving.
Jack: What's there to see underwater?

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Morty Seinfeld: You know, Jack, you've got a hell of a nerve taking that kid's pen.
Jack: Whose pen?
Morty Seinfeld: His pen.
Jack: This happens to be my pen.
Morty Seinfeld: You didn't give it to him.
Jack: What are you talking about? He practically begged me for it.
Morty Seinfeld: Where do you come off with this crap?
Jack: Listen, do you think I take everything everybody offers me? You offered me sponge cake yesterday. Did I take it?
Morty Seinfeld: You said you didn't want it!
Jack: Of course I wanted it! I love sponge cake!
Morty Seinfeld: Then who the hell said you couldn't have any? I mean what the hell do I care whether you have sponge cake?

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Jack: Because I saw the look on your face last week when I took the scotch tape!
Morty Seinfeld: Ah-ha. So you got the scotch tape! I've been looking all over for it!
Jack: Don't worry about it! I'll give it back!
Morty Seinfeld: I don't want it!
Jack: I don't want it!
Morty Seinfeld: You know, Jack, do me a favor will you? Take the pen and the scotch tape, and get the hell out of here!
Jack: Listen, do you think I give a damn?
Morty Seinfeld: Aah! [Jack leaves] The nerve of that guy! Taking back that pen. Well that's it for them.

Quote from Elaine

Photographer: Say astronaut.
Elaine: [laughs, walks toward the photographer] Say what? Say what?
Jerry: You took too many of those pills.
Morty Seinfeld: Astronaut?
Helen Seinfeld: Say it.
All: Astronaut!
Elaine: [laughs] Astronaut!

Quote from Jerry

Uncle Leo: What's with the sunglasses? Who are you? Van Johnson?
Jerry: I've got a black eye.

Quote from Uncle Leo

Stella: We saw you on "The Tonight Show" last week.
Uncle Leo: I thought Johnny was very rude to you. He didn't even let you talk.
Jerry: No, no.
Uncle Leo: You need some new material. I've heard you do that dog routine three times already.
Elaine: [as Brando] Stella! Stella!
Uncle Leo: Listen, you should get your cousin Jeffrey to write some material for you.
Morty Seinfeld: What are you talking? Jeffrey works for the parks department!
Uncle Leo: You should read the letters he's written. He's funnier than the whole bunch of you! Oh, here's Jack. We should sit down.
Stella: This better be good. I'm missing Golden Girls for this.

Quote from Helen Seinfeld

Stella: This better be good. I'm missing Golden Girls for this.
Helen Seinfeld: [laughs until Stella walks away] I hate her like poison.

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Morty Seinfeld: Tell them about when you took my son's pen back. Tell them about that!
Jerry: Dad!
Morty Seinfeld: [to the crowd] He gave my son a pen, and then he takes it back. Tell them about that!
Jack: He gave it to me!
Morty Seinfeld: Come on. That's enough, sit down!
Jack: I'm not sitting down!

Quote from Jerry

Helen Seinfeld: Jerry, do your act.
Jerry: I can't. Nobody's even listening.
Helen Seinfeld: They're all gonna leave.
Jerry: Oh God! [over microphone] Hey! How you folks doing tonight? [loud chatter]
Man: Who are you?
Jerry: Have you ever noticed how they always give you the peanuts on the planes?
Woman: Not my Harry. He flies first class.
Jerry: Who ever thought the first thing somebody wants on a plane is a peanut?
Man: I'd rather have a bottle of scotch!
Helen Seinfeld: Do the dog routine.
Jerry: All I said was I liked the pen!
Elaine: [shouts as Brando] Stella!

Quote from Elaine

Chiropractor: You could aggravate it. I wouldn't go anywhere for at least five days.
Elaine: Five days? You want me to stay here for five more days?
Jerry: There must be some mistake.
Chiropractor: I'm afraid not.
Elaine: Five days. Here.
Helen Seinfeld: [to Jerry] So we have you for five more days!
Jerry: [to Elaine] Well there's really no point in me staying. I mean you just gonna be...
Elaine: Excuse me?
Jerry: Nothing.


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