Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Pen’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Seinfeld: The Pen

303. The Pen

Aired October 2, 1991

When Jerry and Elaine visit his parents in Florida, Jerry causes an argument when accepts a pen from a friend of theirs.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: What is going on in this community! Are you people aware of what's happening? What is driving you to this behavior? Is it the humidity? Is it the Muzak? Is it the white shoes?

Rate

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Is Florida not hot and muggy enough for these people? They love heat. I mean, if they ever decide to land men on the sun, I think these old retired guys would be the only ones that will be able to handle it. They'll just sit there on the sun, on the redwood benches, washcloth on the head going: "I'm trying to get a sweat going."

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I have never seen an old person in a new bathing suit in my life. I don't know where they get their bathing suits, but my father has bathing suits from other centuries. My parents live in Florida. And if you go down there and you forget your bathing suits, then they want you to wear one of theirs. You know how that gets? "You need trunks, son? I've got trunks for you. You can wear my trunks." Fathers don't wear bathing suits, they wear trunks. It's kind of the same thing a tree would wear if it went swimming. So I get in the water with in thing and it's like floating around me somewhere. Did you ever put on a bathing suit that you don't even know exactly where you are inside the bathing suit? You bump into somebody you know: "No, I'm parasailing, I'm waiting for the boat to come back."

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Come in.
Jerry: Are you okay in here?
Elaine: Why is it so hot in here? How can they sleep like this?
Jerry: It's only for three days. Today's over and we have tomorrow. We leave on Sunday. It's one day, really.
Elaine: Oh, man. What is with this bar? It's right in my back. It's killing me.
Jerry: Oh, you wanna switch? I'm sleeping on a love seat. I've got my feet up in the air like I'm in a space capsule.
Elaine: I am never gonna fall asleep.
Jerry: Oh, don't say that. You'll jinx me.
Elaine: How can they not put the air conditioning on?
Jerry: They're nuts with temperature.
Elaine: This bar is right in my back! It's making a dent.
Jerry: How about that guy writing a check for 19.45?
Elaine: I'm sweating here. I'm in bed, sweating.
Jerry: It's one day. Half a day, really. I mean you subtract showers and meals, it's like twenty minutes. It will go by like that. [snaps fingers]

Quote from Helen Seinfeld

Elaine: Mrs. Seinfeld, please. I am begging you. Put the air conditioner on.
Helen Seinfeld: You're hot?
Elaine: I've lost 6 pounds.
Helen Seinfeld: I don't even know how to work it.
Morty Seinfeld: I keep telling her it's like an oven in here.

Quote from Helen Seinfeld

Helen Seinfeld: Maybe you shouldn't go tonight.
Elaine: No, no, no. I wanna go.
Helen Seinfeld: But your back hurts.
Morty Seinfeld: Maybe a couple of muscle relaxers would help.
Elaine: Oh, oh, O.K. [Helen wraps herself tight in a sweater] You can turn down the air conditioning if you want.
Helen Seinfeld: No. I'm fine.
Elaine: You're not too cold?
Helen Seinfeld: No.

Quote from Elaine

Stella: Hello.
Jerry: Elaine, this is my aunt Stella.
Elaine: [as Brando] Stella! Stella!
Jerry: Her back hurts.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: Five more days?
Jerry: Well, today's almost over. And weekdays always go by fast. Friday we're leaving. So it's like two days really. It's like a cup of coffee. It will go by like that. [snaps]

Quote from Helen Seinfeld

Stella: This better be good. I'm missing Golden Girls for this.
Helen Seinfeld: [laughs until Stella walks away] I hate her like poison.

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Helen Seinfeld: They were supposed to be here at 7:30. Call the airlines again.
Morty Seinfeld: What happened to the scotch tape? Who takes the scotch tape? Nobody returns anything around here.
Helen Seinfeld: Oh, I think that's them!
Morty Seinfeld: You what I'll do next time? I'll hide it so nobody can find it.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode