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‘The Barber’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Barber

508. The Barber

Aired November 11, 1993

Jerry is scared to change his barber even after a terrible haircut. George isn't sure whether he got a job or not. Meanwhile, Elaine organizes a bachelor auction.

Quote from George

George: I have an idea.
Jerry: Yeah?
George: I show up.
Jerry: What do you mean you show up?
George: I show up. I pretend I have the job. The guy's on vacation. If I have the job, it's fine. If I don't have the job, by the time he comes back, I'm ensconced.
Jerry: Hmm. Not bad.
George: What's the worst thing that could happen?
Jerry: Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and have to walk out in shame with your tail between your legs.
George: Yeah, so?
Jerry: Yeah. I see what you mean. I forgot who I was dealing with.


Quote from Kramer

Elaine: [to Jerry] You know what, you should go over there and get one to look good for my bachelor auction.
Kramer: What bachelor auction?
Elaine: Oh, it's a thing where they auction off dates with bachelors for charity.
Kramer: And you didn't ask me to do it? I could raise enough money to cure polio.
Jerry: I believe they've had a cure for polio for quite some time.
Kramer: Polio?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: The old-fashioned barbershop is, unfortunately, becoming a thing of the past. Now, what went wrong? Well, first of all, he needs a $20,000 chair to make a three dollar tip. I say, cut back on the chair, update the magazines. Why do barbers always display that license? There's no laws in hair-cutting. Except show ever customer the back of their head. That's the one law. I don't wanna see the back of my head. Why do I want to see something that I'm never gonna see at any other time? When I buy pants, two salesmen don't lift me up by the leg and go, "How do you like the crotch?" If I wanted to see everything, I would have been a fly.

Quote from George

George: He never finished the sentence. He got a call. That was the end of the interview.
Jerry: "Of course" was the last thing he said?
George: Maybe he was going to say, "Of course, I have to check with my associates."
Elaine: "I want you to have this job. Of course, the Board of Directors is under indictment and will be serving time."
Jerry: "I want you to have this job. Of course, sodomy is a prerequisite."
George: All right.
Elaine: Why don't you go just ahead and call him?
George: Because he made a big deal about how I understand everything immediately. That's what impressed him.

Quote from George

George: [to various people] Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Hi, nice to see you. How are you. Good morning. [to the secretary] Good morning.
Secretary: How can I help you?
George: The name's George Constanza. I'm starting work here today. I was wondering if you could tell
me where my office is.
Secretary: I wasn't aware that... Uh, Mike, this is George Constanza. He's starting here today.
Mike: Welcome aboard.
George: Thanks, Mike. Nice to be aboard.
Mike: I didn't even know that Mr. Tuttle was finished interviewing.
George: Oh, well, he was probably just getting anxious to start his vacation.
Secretary: He wants to know where his office is.
Mike: Oh,. Well, all right, let's see, we've got two. There's a big one down the hall there and a small one over here. You know I should ask Jack.
George: Oh, leave Jack alone. Jack's got enough problems. I'll just take the small office.
Mike: Really?
George: Yes. I like to feel cozy. You know, I have a very small apartment. I like to feel tucked in, nestled in. Love to be nestled.
Mike: All right. All right. It's 808 right down there. Meanwhile, I'll get you the Pensky file, you can start working on that.
George: Yes. Yes, of course. The Pensky file. Ho ho, can't wait to sink my teeth into that. Wow that Pensky. Well, we'll straighten him out. [chuckles]

Quote from George

Jerry: So what do you do there all day?
George: They gave me the Pensky file.
Jerry: So it's a nice place to work?
George: You know, I'm enjoying it very much. I think my coworkers are really taking to me. [v.o. flashback] We're like a family. In fact, yesterday was Grace's birthday. She's such a sweet woman. So we had a little party with, you know, cake and champagne. I made a toast.
Jerry: What about your boss? The guys you interviewed you?
George: He'll be back on Monday.

Quote from Newman

Enzo: You happy with the haircut?
Newman: It's okay. A little crooked.
Enzo: How'd you like to have free haircut for six months.
Newman: What's the catch?
Enzo: You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair.
Newman: Hmm, that job sounds like it might be worth a year's free haircuts. And a comb.

Quote from George

Secretary: [over intercom] Mr. Costanza, Mr. Pensky is here to see you.
George: Mr. Pensky? Of the Pensky file?
Pensky: [enters] Costanza? Arthur Pensky.
George: Mr. Pensky. I was just working on your file. I was transferring the contents of the file into this flexible accordion-style folder.
Pensky: Where's Tuttle?
George: He's on vacation.
Pensky:: He was on vacation the last time I dropped by. Give me my file. [looks through the file] Looks like you put a lot of work into this.
George: Well, you know in college they used to call me the little bulldog.
Pensky: Hey, you are Pensky material. Would you ever consider coming to work directly for me?
George: Really?
Pensky: You are aware... [buzzer]
Secretary: [over intercom] Mr. Costanza?
George: Not now, Clarise.
Secretary: I thought Mr. Pensky should know they're towing his car.
Pensky: Damn this city. [exits]
George: I am aware. I am aware.

Quote from Kramer

[As Kramer walks out on stage]
Elaine: Okay. Our next bachelor is number, um, 124 on your program. He is, uh, he's a high school graduate.
Kramer: Equivalent.
Elaine: Oh, uh. Equivalency. A high school equivalency program graduate. Um, he's, um, self-employed. He's... I don't know, six foot three, 190 pounds, he likes, uh... fruit. And he just got, uh, a haircut.
[Kramer steps off the stage onto a table, which tips over. Kramer falls to the floor]
Elaine: Oh, Kramer. Okay uh, why don't we start the bidding. Do I hear, uh, five bucks?

Quote from George

[As George sleeps at his desk, Mr. Tuttle walks into his office]
George: Mr. Tuttle, you're back.
Mr. Tuttle: George, I'm surprised to find you here.
George: You are?
Mr. Tuttle: I thought you would have taken the large office.
George: Oh. Really.
Mr. Tuttle: I guess I didn't make that clear when I hired you. So where's that Pensky file? Let's see what you've been up to all week.
George: Well, here it is.
Mr. Tuttle: [looks through the file] What have you been doing all week?
George: Well, you missed a lovely little party that we had for Grace.
Mr. Tuttle: You haven't done anything with this.
George: Well, bear in mind that I am in the smaller office.
Mr. Tuttle: I'm beginning to wonder if you understand anything.
George: You are aware that Pensky is interested in me.
Mr. Tuttle: [scoffs] You're not Pensky material.
George: Well, we'll just see about that. Ta-ta, Tuttle.

Quote from George

Pensky: Gee, George, I'm sorry I gave you the wrong impression. What I was going to say was, "Now, you are aware that our Board of Directors has been indicted, myself included, and we're prohibited from doing
business until the investigation is completed. So obviously, we would have no use for you."
George: Obviously. [buzzer]
Pensky: [answers intercom] Yes.
Secretary: [over intercom] Excuse me, but Mr. Costanza's car is being towed.

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