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‘The Barber’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

Seinfeld: The Barber

508. The Barber

Aired November 11, 1993

Jerry is scared to change his barber even after a terrible haircut. George isn't sure whether he got a job or not. Meanwhile, Elaine organizes a bachelor auction.

Quote from George

George: I have an idea.
Jerry: Yeah?
George: I show up.
Jerry: What do you mean you show up?
George: I show up. I pretend I have the job. The guy's on vacation. If I have the job, it's fine. If I don't have the job, by the time he comes back, I'm ensconced.
Jerry: Hmm. Not bad.
George: What's the worst thing that could happen?
Jerry: Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and have to walk out in shame with your tail between your legs.
George: Yeah, so?
Jerry: Yeah. I see what you mean. I forgot who I was dealing with.

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Quote from Kramer

Elaine: [to Jerry] You know what, you should go over there and get one to look good for my bachelor auction.
Kramer: What bachelor auction?
Elaine: Oh, it's a thing where they auction off dates with bachelors for charity.
Kramer: And you didn't ask me to do it? I could raise enough money to cure polio.
Jerry: I believe they've had a cure for polio for quite some time.
Kramer: Polio?

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The old-fashioned barbershop is, unfortunately, becoming a thing of the past. Now, what went wrong? Well, first of all, he needs a $20,000 chair to make a three dollar tip. I say, cut back on the chair, update the magazines. Why do barbers always display that license? There's no laws in hair-cutting. Except show ever customer the back of their head. That's the one law. I don't wanna see the back of my head. Why do I want to see something that I'm never gonna see at any other time? When I buy pants, two salesmen don't lift me up by the leg and go, "How do you like the crotch?" If I wanted to see everything, I would have been a fly.

Quote from George

George: [to various people] Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Hi, nice to see you. How are you. Good morning. [to the secretary] Good morning.
Secretary: How can I help you?
George: The name's George Constanza. I'm starting work here today. I was wondering if you could tell
me where my office is.
Secretary: I wasn't aware that... Uh, Mike, this is George Constanza. He's starting here today.
Mike: Welcome aboard.
George: Thanks, Mike. Nice to be aboard.
Mike: I didn't even know that Mr. Tuttle was finished interviewing.
George: Oh, well, he was probably just getting anxious to start his vacation.
Secretary: He wants to know where his office is.
Mike: Oh,. Well, all right, let's see, we've got two. There's a big one down the hall there and a small one over here. You know I should ask Jack.
George: Oh, leave Jack alone. Jack's got enough problems. I'll just take the small office.
Mike: Really?
George: Yes. I like to feel cozy. You know, I have a very small apartment. I like to feel tucked in, nestled in. Love to be nestled.
Mike: All right. All right. It's 808 right down there. Meanwhile, I'll get you the Pensky file, you can start working on that.
George: Yes. Yes, of course. The Pensky file. Ho ho, can't wait to sink my teeth into that. Wow that Pensky. Well, we'll straighten him out. [chuckles]

Quote from George

George: He never finished the sentence. He got a call. That was the end of the interview.
Jerry: "Of course" was the last thing he said?
George: Maybe he was going to say, "Of course, I have to check with my associates."
Elaine: "I want you to have this job. Of course, the Board of Directors is under indictment and will be serving time."
Jerry: "I want you to have this job. Of course, sodomy is a prerequisite."
George: All right.
Elaine: Why don't you go just ahead and call him?
George: Because he made a big deal about how I understand everything immediately. That's what impressed him.

Quote from George

Jerry: So what do you do there all day?
George: They gave me the Pensky file.
Jerry: So it's a nice place to work?
George: You know, I'm enjoying it very much. I think my coworkers are really taking to me. [v.o. flashback] We're like a family. In fact, yesterday was Grace's birthday. She's such a sweet woman. So we had a little party with, you know, cake and champagne. I made a toast.
Jerry: What about your boss? The guys you interviewed you?
George: He'll be back on Monday.

Quote from Newman

Enzo: You happy with the haircut?
Newman: It's okay. A little crooked.
Enzo: How'd you like to have free haircut for six months.
Newman: What's the catch?
Enzo: You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair.
Newman: Hmm, that job sounds like it might be worth a year's free haircuts. And a comb.

Quote from George

Secretary: [over intercom] Mr. Costanza, Mr. Pensky is here to see you.
George: Mr. Pensky? Of the Pensky file?
Pensky: [enters] Costanza? Arthur Pensky.
George: Mr. Pensky. I was just working on your file. I was transferring the contents of the file into this flexible accordion-style folder.
Pensky: Where's Tuttle?
George: He's on vacation.
Pensky:: He was on vacation the last time I dropped by. Give me my file. [looks through the file] Looks like you put a lot of work into this.
George: Well, you know in college they used to call me the little bulldog.
Pensky: Hey, you are Pensky material. Would you ever consider coming to work directly for me?
George: Really?
Pensky: You are aware... [buzzer]
Secretary: [over intercom] Mr. Costanza?
George: Not now, Clarise.
Secretary: I thought Mr. Pensky should know they're towing his car.
Pensky: Damn this city. [exits]
George: I am aware. I am aware.

Quote from Kramer

[As Kramer walks out on stage]
Elaine: Okay. Our next bachelor is number, um, 124 on your program. He is, uh, he's a high school graduate.
Kramer: Equivalent.
Elaine: Oh, uh. Equivalency. A high school equivalency program graduate. Um, he's, um, self-employed. He's... I don't know, six foot three, 190 pounds, he likes, uh... fruit. And he just got, uh, a haircut.
[Kramer steps off the stage onto a table, which tips over. Kramer falls to the floor]
Elaine: Oh, Kramer. Okay uh, why don't we start the bidding. Do I hear, uh, five bucks?

Quote from George

[As George sleeps at his desk, Mr. Tuttle walks into his office]
George: Mr. Tuttle, you're back.
Mr. Tuttle: George, I'm surprised to find you here.
George: You are?
Mr. Tuttle: I thought you would have taken the large office.
George: Oh. Really.
Mr. Tuttle: I guess I didn't make that clear when I hired you. So where's that Pensky file? Let's see what you've been up to all week.
George: Well, here it is.
Mr. Tuttle: [looks through the file] What have you been doing all week?
George: Well, you missed a lovely little party that we had for Grace.
Mr. Tuttle: You haven't done anything with this.
George: Well, bear in mind that I am in the smaller office.
Mr. Tuttle: I'm beginning to wonder if you understand anything.
George: You are aware that Pensky is interested in me.
Mr. Tuttle: [scoffs] You're not Pensky material.
George: Well, we'll just see about that. Ta-ta, Tuttle.

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