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‘The Dealership’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Dealership

911. The Dealership

Aired January 8, 1997

Jerry and friends go to a car dealership so he can get a special deal from Puddy. George is upset when a mechanic eats a Twix bar he bought. Elaine questions her relationship with Puddy. Kramer takes a car out for a test drive.

Quote from George

George: When are they gonna have the flying cars, already?
Jerry: Yeah, they have been promising that for a while.
George: Years. When we were kids, they made it seem like it was right around the corner.
Jerry: I think Ed Begley Jr. has one.
George: No. That's just electric.
Jerry: What about Harrison Ford? He had one in, uh, Blade Runner. That was a cool one.
George: Well, what's the competition, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?
Jerry: Well, what do you think the big holdup is?
George: The government is very touchy about us being in the air. Let us run around on the ground as much as we want. Anything in the air is a big production.
Jerry: Yeah, right. And what about the floating cities?
George: And the underwater bubble cities?
Jerry: It's like we're living in the '50s here.

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Quote from George

Jerry: I told you, Puddy's getting me an insider deal.
George: Since when is Elaine's boyfriend selling cars? I thought he was a mechanic.
Jerry: I guess he graduated.
George: That's an easy move. Go from screwing you behind your back to screwing you right to your face.
Jerry: [Kramer honks the horn] Thank you!
George: Puddy's just gonna give you the car, huh? You'll see. First they stick you with the undercoating, rust-proofing, dealer prep. Suddenly, you're on your back like a turtle.
Jerry: All right. Calm down.
George: My father had a car salesman buddy. He was gonna fix him up real nice. Next thing I know, I'm getting dropped of in a Le Car with a fabric sunroof. All the kids are shouting at me, "Hey, Le George! Bonjour, Le George! Let's stuff Le George in Le Locker!"

Quote from David Puddy

Jerry: So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey".
David Puddy: I don't care for that term.
Jerry: Oh. Sorry, I didn't know.
David Puddy: No, I don't know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector.
Jerry: I saw one once that could do sign language.
David Puddy: Yeah, I saw that one. Uh... Koko.
Jerry: Yeah, Koko.
David Puddy: Right, Koko. That chimp's all right. High-five.

Quote from George

George: Excuse me. I believe you just ate my Twix bar. It was dangling. And when you purchased your Twix bar, you got a little freebie, and you never bothered to ask why, or seek out its rightful owner.
Mechanic: First of all, it wasn't a Twix. It was a 5th Avenue bar.
George: Huh. You must think I'm pretty stupid. That was no 5th Avenue bar. I can see the crumb right there in the corner of your lip! Now, that-that-that is a cookie and we all know Twix is the only candy bar with the cookie crunch.
Mechanic: Yeah, it's just a little nougat.
George: Nougat? Please. I think I've reached the point in my life where I can tell between nougat and cookie. So, let's not just say things that are obvious fabrications.
Mechanic: You know, you're gettin' a little vein there..
George: I know about the vein!

Quote from George

George: I'd like to report a problem with one of your mechanics.
Willie: When did you bring the car in?
George: [scoffs] Yeah, right. I'm gonna get my car repaired at a dealership. Why don't I just flush my money down the toilet?
Willie: Sir, what, exactly, is the problem?
George: One of your guys - Kip, or Ned, short name - stole my Twix candy bar.
Willie: Are you saying he grabbed the candy bar away from you?
George: He might as well have. I caught him, and his face was covered in chocolate and cookie crumbs.
Willie: I thought you said it was a Twix.
George: Oh, it was. But he claimed it was a 5th Avenue bar.
Willie: Maybe it was.
George: Oh, no, no. Twix is the only candy with the cookie crunch.
Willie: What about the $100,000 bar?
George: No. Rice and caramel.
Willie: Nougat?
George: No.
Willie: Positive?
George: Please.
Assistant: You know they changed the name from $100,000 bar to 100 Grand?
George: All I want is my seventy-five cents back, an apology, and for him to be fired!

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: This is nice. What kind of car is this?
Cabbie: Caprice Classic.
Elaine: [to Jerry] You couldn't just give him one high-five?
Jerry: And where does it end? Then, everyone's doing it. It's like the wave at ball games. Air quotes. The phrase, "Don't go there." Someone's gotta take a stand.

Quote from George

Kramer: That is good suspension!
Jerry: Would you stop it? You'll have plenty of time to destroy it after I get it. Hey, George, I'm buying this car.
George: What is wrong with you? You never tell them you like the car. You're not sure what you want. You don't even know why you're here.

Quote from Kramer

Rick: You've got a good eye, there. I see you've noticed the uni-body construction. I'm Rick. Are you looking to buy or lease?
Kramer: Uh, borrow. It's for my friend. Yeah, he'll be buying..
Rick: Maybe I should talk to him.
Kramer: Oh, I don't think so. No, he's an entertainer. You know, all over the place. That's where I come in.
Rick: I see. So, you're his manag-
Kramer: Yeah, neighbor. That's right. Yeah, why don't we take this boiler out for a shakedown?

Quote from George

George: Look at these salesmen. The only thing these guys fear is the walk-out. No matter what they say, you say, "I'll walk out of here right now!"
Salesman: Can I help you with something?
George: Hold it! One more step and we're walking!
Jerry: George. [to the salesman] Sorry, we're just waiting for David Puddy.
George: He is. You don't know what I'm doing here.

Quote from David Puddy

David Puddy: Sorry I'm late.
Elaine: My new salesman boyfriend took me out to celebrate his promotion.
Jerry: Ah. Where'd you go?
Elaine: Uh, to a restaurant.
David Puddy: Arby's.
Elaine: I had the roast beef.

Quote from Kramer

Rick: And look at these features, Mr. Kramer. Anti-lock breaks, automatic climate control. Uh, make a right at this corner, please. An adjustable steering wheel, and.. Oh, Mr. Kramer, you missed the turn..
Kramer: No. No, I didn't.
Rick: Well, that's okay. We'll make this next right, and swing around to get back to the dealership.
Kramer: Well, it's a test drive, right? I never drive around here. If I'm gonna recommend this car, I need to see that it'll handle my daily routine.
Rick: So where are we going?
Kramer: Just a little place I like to call, "You'll see".

Quote from George

George: I'm starving. You got any of those free donuts you use to soften people up?
David Puddy: By the service department.
George: [to Jerry] All right, remember: no rust-proofing. Commit to nothing. If you have to speak, mumble.
Jerry: Au revoir, Le George.
George: Don't think it can't happen!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Hey, Elaine, have you noticed your boyfriend has developed an annoying little habit?
Elaine: The squinting?
Jerry: No.
Elaine: The staring?
Jerry: No. He keeps asking me to give him a high-five.
Elaine: I thought all guys do that.
Jerry: Slapping hands is the lowest form of male primate ritual. In fact, even some of them have moved on. They're using sign language now.
Elaine: It'ss that bad?
Jerry: What do you think the Nazis were doing? That was the heil-five.
Elaine: Isn't that from your act, like, ten years ago?
Jerry: It was a good bit in the '80s, and it's still relatable today.

Quote from George

George: Excuse me. Do you have change of a dollar?
Mechanic: No.
George: Could I, uh, could I trade you for another dollar?
Mechanic: Don't have one.
George: Excuse me. When your, uh, when your wallet was open, I glanced inside, and I couldn't help but notice that you had several crisp dollar bills.
Mechanic: You're incorrect.
George: Perhaps you could look again, please? I'm very hungry.
Mechanic: We had donuts earlier. [exits]
George: I guess everyone here enjoys giving the old scroogie, huh?! You're all doig' a hell of a job! [looks at the Twix in the vending machine] Ho, ho. What I would do with you.

Quote from Kramer

Rick: Mr. Kramer, we're really not allowed to use the cars to run errands.
Kramer: No, look, Rick. I'm very close to giving this car, that my celebrity friend is considering, my full endorsement. Ooh, Let's see if I can get a smile from these femininas. [yells out] Hey, Ladies! It's the Saab 900! What do you think? Can I interest you in a little supplemental restraint?! [off their response] Geez.

Quote from George

Jerry: I think the candy comes out over there.
George: People drop change down here, Jerry. And they're too lazy to pick it up.
Jerry: Either that, or they've got a weird little hang-up about lying face-down in filth. Why don't you just go to the cashier?
George: [stands up] The cashier is at lunch, which is where I'd like to be.
Jerry: How much was under there?
George: I think something bit me. I just need another nickel.
Jerry: Hey, Puddy thinks I should go for the CD player. What do you think?
George: Ho, ho, ho! He's got a live one. He's just reeling his big fish in!
Jerry: Hey, can I have my dollar back?
George: It's wrinkled. It's worthless.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Well, just one more errand and we can head back.
Rick: Actually, it looks like we're gonna need some gas.
Kramer: Oh? Well, how much gas do you think is in there right now?
Rick: Well, it's on "E".
Kramer: You know, uh, oftentimes, Jerry, he lends me his car and I find myself in a situation where the car is almost out of gas. But, for a variety of reasons, I don't want to be the one responsible for purchasing costly gasoline.
Rick: So, you want to know how far you can drive your friend's car for free.
Kramer: Well, I make it up to him in other ways.

Quote from George

George: As you will see, the candy bar is paid for, and yet, remains dangling in the machine. Hey, it's gone.
Where is my Twix? [looks back at the heavy-set mechanic] What?! That guy's eating it!
Salesman: Well, how do you know that one's yours?
George: Uh, it was dangling! There were only two left in the machine! He must've bought one, and gotten both. Salesman: Sir, are you gonna buy a car?
George: No! [The salesman walks away] Hey! Hey! I can see you! That is my Twix! [The mechanic eats the last of the Twix] Oh, ha, ha! Ho, ho!

Quote from David Puddy

David Puddy: Paper jam. Got it! High-five. On the flip side.
Elaine: David, um, I..
David Puddy: Don't leave me hanging.
Elaine: You're a salesman now, and the high-five is... It's very grease monkey.
David Puddy: What did I tell you about that?
Elaine: I'm sorry, but the high-five is just so stupid.
David Puddy: Oh, yeah? I'll tell you what's stupid. You. Stupid.
Elaine: Well, that is really mature.
David Puddy: Yeah? So are you.
Elaine: Huh?
David Puddy: You're the grease monkey.
Elaine: Uh, that doesn't make any sense. I am leaving.

Quote from David Puddy

David Puddy: Let's finish this up.
Jerry: Did you two break up?
David Puddy: That chick's whacked. We're history. I just left out a couple of things: rust-proofing.
Jerry: Rust-proofing?
David Puddy: Transport charge, storage surcharge, additional overcharge, finder's fee.
Jerry: Finder's fee? It was on the lot!
David Puddy: Yeah, that's right. And floor mats, keys..
Jerry: Keys?!
David Puddy: How you gonna start it?

Quote from George

Jerry: Listen, you gotta help me out. Elaine and Puddy just broke up. He's treating me just like a regular customer, now!
George: I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen. No, ho, ho! You were gonna get a deal, huh? There's no laws in this place. Anything goes! It's Thunderdome!
Saleswoman: Is someone helping you?
George: Stay back!

Quote from Kramer

Rick: Where is it now?
Kramer: There's still some overlap between the needle and the slash below the "E".
Rick: How long are you gonna go?
Kramer: Oh, I've been in the slash many times. This is nothing. You'll get used to it. Just, [popping sound] get it out of your mind.
Rick: Have you ever been completely below the slash?
Kramer: Well, I almost did once, and I blacked out. When I came to, the car was in a ditch, and the tank was full. I don't know who did it, and I never got to thank them.
Rick: Mr. Kramer, the road!

Quote from George

Jerry: So, listen, Puddy. When we first started this deal, I thought things were gonna be different. Now, if you want to play hard ball, I got my friend, George, here, and he can play pretty hard... ball. George, vein it up.
George: All right, Puddy, listen, and listen good. I need to know the name of that mechanic that walks around here. Big guy, a liar, short name. Sam? Moe? Sol?!
Jerry: George, can we focus on the car, here?
George: I'm starving! I can feel my stomach sucking up against my spine.

Quote from George

David Puddy: Jerry, I just need your signature, here, and we'll get you that yellow car ready to go.
Jerry: Yellow? I wanted black.
David Puddy: I can't give you black at that price.
Jerry: George, could you help me, please?
George: [stands up] Yes. This is wrong!
Jerry: Sing it, sister!
George: Just because a candy bar fails to fall from its perch...
Jerry: Oh, God.
George: ...does not imply transfer of ownership. Moe, Sol, or… Lem is not gonna get away with this!

Quote from Kramer

Rick: Is it just the angle I'm looking from?
Kramer: No, sir. We are down there.
Rick: Oh, this is amazing! Oh, I've never felt so alive!
Kramer: Yeah, well, all right. I'm satisfied. We better get some gas.
Rick: What? Well, we can't stop now.
Kramer: What do you mean?
Rick: We have to keep going all the way back to the dealership. That was the plan.
Kramer: There was no plan.
Rick: Well, let's make it the plan! Let's just.. go for it! Like Thelma and Louise.
Kramer: What, they drove to a dealership?
Rick: No, they drove off a cliff.
Kramer: You are one sick mama. I like it.
Rick: Mr. Kramer, the road!

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: [answers phone] Hello?
Jerry: Elaine, you've got to get back down to the dealer. Puddy is screwing me on this car, which is yellow now!
Elaine: Who is this?
Jerry: Elaine! [bangs phone against booth]
Elaine: What?!
Jerry: You gotta get back together with Puddy so I can make this deal.
Elaine: You know, just that you cared enough to call means so much, Jerry.
Jerry: You're gonna get back together, anyway. It's thousands of dollars!
Elaine: Oh, I don't know.
Jerry: Come on. Then you don't have to see him again until my 15,000-mile check.
Elaine: Well, will you pay my cab fare out there?
Jerry: Fine.
Elaine: And I didn't like that roast beef, so how about some lunch?
Jerry: No. No lunch.
Elaine: I'll hang the phone up right now!
Jerry: All right! Lunch!
Elaine: I'll see you.
Jerry: Bye. [hangs up] Everybody's ripping me off!

Quote from George

Willie Sr.: I remember when you used to be able to get a Hershey for a nickel.
Man: What's the one with the swirling chocolate in the commercial?
George: They all have swirling chocolate in the commercial.
Willie Sr.: Not Skittles.
Willie: Dad, I told you you could sit here only if you don't talk.
Woman: You make your father sit here all day?
Willie: He likes it!
George: All right, do you mind? I have the window! [to Willie] Now, what are you gonna do about my Twix?
Man: Twix has too much coconut.
George: No, there's no coconut!
Assistant: I'm allergic to coconut.
Willie: I'm not.
Willie Sr.: A nickel!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: No, no. No, Elaine, the car can wait. What's important is you two getting back together. Eh, then we'll talk about the car.
David Puddy: I don't want to get back with her. She's too bossy.
Elaine: David..
Jerry: Okay. Now, I know this is an important decision. Why don't we all just sit down and talk about it? Come on, come on. Now, look, you both find each other attractive, right?
Both: Right.
Jerry: Clearly, no one else can stand to be with either one of you.
Elaine: I guess.
David Puddy: Good point.
Jerry: All right. Now, what do I have to do to put you two in a relationship today?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Cars can go on empty, but not us humans, huh, fella? I'll get us a couple of Twix bars.
Rick: No, no coconut for me.
Kramer: All right, I'll get you a Mounds bar.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: No, man. Not the gas.
Rick: But it needs it, Kramer. It needs it bad.
Kramer: Do you think that this'll make you happy? 'cause it won't!
Rick: Ah, you can just go on without me.
Kramer: Listen to me. When that car rolls into that dealership, and that tank is bone dry, I want you to be there with me when everyone says, "Kramer and that other guy, oh, they went further to the left of the slash than anyone ever dreamed!" [car makes puttering noises]
Rick: Maybe we better get moving.
Kramer: It's good to have you back, Stan.
Rick: It's Rick, by the way.
Kramer: No time!

Quote from George

Willie: Mr. Costanza, I really don't have time for this.
George: Now, if this mechanic guy, was, in fact, eating a 5th Avenue bar, as he claimed, wouldn't you agree he would have no problem picking one out from a candy line-up?
Willie: "Candy line-up"?
George: I've spent the last hour preparing ten candy bars with no wrappers of identification of any kind for him to select from.
Willie: It took you an hour?
George: Only I hold the answer key to their true candy identities. And so, without further ado, I give you.. the candy line-up. [opens a door to find the employees eating candy bars]
Assistant: Hey, Willie, check it out! Free candy!
George: That's my candy line-up! Where are my cards?! They're- They're all on the floor! And you! How many Twix does that make for you, today?! Like, 8 Twix?!
Mechanic: No.
Man: Hey, this Clark bar is good.
George: It's a Twix! They're all Twix! It was a setup! A setup, I tell you! And you've robbed it! You've all screwed me again! Now, gimme one! Gimme a Twix!
Mechanic: They're all gone.
George: [shouts] Twix!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: All right. Elaine, David, I believe we have a deal here in principle: Arby's no more than once a month. In exchange, Elaine comes to your softball game, and doesn't read a book.
Elaine: Yeah, well, that's not bad.
David Puddy: I can live with that.
Jerry: So, you're back together?
David Puddy: Yeah.
Jerry: All right, all right. All right, that's enough! Let's get back to my deal. That undercoating, that's just a rip-off, isn't it, David?
David Puddy: Oh, we don't even know what it is.
Jerry: So, I'm getting the insider's deal?
David Puddy: Insider's deal. High-five.

Quote from George

George: This Arby's is good.
Elaine: So, George, I still don't understand, how was that a setup?
Jerry: And who were you trying to set up, anyway? The mechanic or the manager?
George: I don't know. All of 'em. They're all crooks! Besides, I couldn't get all different candy bars, anyway.


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