TV Quotes

David Puddy: Well, let's see, I've got a ten kroner, a five kroner, a twenty kroner. No wait, that's another ten kroner. A "femti" kroner? How much is that?
Elaine: We have to break up.
David Puddy: What?
Elaine: I can't take this anymore! I don't want to hear how interesting the change with the hole in it is. And if you tell me what time it is in New York again, you are going home in a body bag!
David Puddy: Well what about you? What do you think The Gap in Rome has that's not in The Gap on Broadway?
Elaine: Okay, all right listen. Forget about The Gap because we are through!
David Puddy: Fine!
Elaine: Fine!
Cab Driver: Okay, terminal three. Have a nice flight.

Elaine: Did you read the whole thing?
Kramer: Oh, yeah.
Elaine: Yeah? So, what's it about?
Kramer: Well, it's a story about love, deception, greed, lust, and unbridled enthusiasm.
Elaine: Unbridled enthusiasm?
Kramer: That's what led to Billy Mumphrey's downfall.
Elaine: Oh, boy.
Kramer: You see, Elaine, Billy was a simple country boy, you might say a cockeyed optimist, who got himself mixed up in the high-stakes game of world diplomacy and international intrigue.
Elaine: Oh, my God.

Kramer: Oh yeah, it's all set. They got the bug boy on it.
Man: The bug boy?
Kramer: Yeah, the little fella's been riding his heart out. They're gonna break his maiden.
Man: Really? But, it's a little bit slow out there. It rained last night.
Kramer: Oh, this baby loves the slop. Loves it, eats it up. Eats the slop. Born in the slop. His father was a mudder.
Man: His father was a mudder?
Kramer: His mother was a mudder.
Man: His mother was a mudder?
Kramer: What did I just say?

Elaine: Oh, what is this? You got me something?
Kramer: Yeah. Open it.
Elaine: Oh, Kramer. The bench! You got me the bench that I wanted!
Kramer: That's pretty good, huh?
Jerry: Great.
Kramer: Remember when we were standing there and she mentioned it? I made a mental note of it.
Jerry: Well, goody for you.
Kramer: Oh, yeah. I'm very sensitive about that. I mean, when someone's birthday comes up, I keep my ears open.
Kramer: So what'd you get her?
Jerry: 182 bucks.
Kramer: Cash? You gotta be kidding. What kind of gift is that? That's like something her uncle would get her.
Elaine: "Think where man's glory most begins and ends and say my glory was I had such a friend."
Kramer: Yeats.
Elaine: Oh, Kramer. [hugs Kramer]

Jerry: Oh, I'm glad you're here, so we can get this all straightened out. Would you like a cup of tea?
Lt. Bookman: You got any coffee?
Jerry: Coffee?
Lt. Bookman: Yeah, coffee.
Jerry: No, I don't drink coffee.
Lt. Bookman: Yeah, you don't drink coffee? How about instant coffee?
Jerry: No, I don't have-
Lt. Bookman: You don't have any instant coffee?
Jerry: Well, I don't normally-
Lt. Bookman: Who doesn't have instant coffee?
Jerry: I don't.
Lt. Bookman: You buy a jar of Folger's Crystals, you put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. Then later on when you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried crystals.
Jerry: Really? I'll have to remember that.

[A wealthy, elderly couple admire Nina's painting of Kramer:]
Mrs. Armstrong: I sense great vulnerability. A man-child crying out for love. An innocent orphan in the post-modern world.
Mr. Armstrong: I see a parasite. A sexually-depraved miscreant, who is seeking to gratify basest and most immediate urges.
[cut:]
Mrs. Armstrong: His struggle is man's struggle. He lifts my spirit.
Mr. Armstrong: He is a loathsome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away.
[cut:]
Mrs. Armstrong: He transcends time and space.
Mr. Armstrong: He sickens me.
Mrs. Armstrong: I love it.
Mr. Armstrong: Me too.

George: What's with the gloves?
Kramer: Well, I'm staining my floors and, you know, I don't want to get my hands dirty.
George: What, the whole apartment?
Kramer: The whole apartment. And I'm buying that fake wood wallpaper. I'm gonna surround myself in wood. It's gonna be like a log cabin. 'cause I need wood around me. Wood, Jerry. [snaps fingers] Wood.
Jerry: Wood is good.
Kramer: Definitely.

Kramer: Hmm, I'm gonna turn in.
Jerry: Turn in?
Kramer: Yeah, I had a tough day.
Jerry: It's only nine o'clock.
Kramer: Well, you know, don't argue with the body, Jerry. That's an argument you can't win.
Jerry: I can't go to sleep at nine o'clock.
Kramer: Well, you can go to your room and read.
Jerry: Hey, look, you know, you're the one who's locked out. I'm letting you stay here. You're wearing my bathrobe. You should adapt to me.
Kramer: But I'm tired.

David Puddy: [answers phone after staring blankly] Puddy.
Kramer: Is David Puddy there?
David Puddy: This is Puddy.
Kramer: Oh, this is Kramer.
David Puddy: I know.
Kramer: Hey, listen, you're a mechanic. Could you help me install a garbage disposal?
David Puddy: You gotta dismantle the latch hasp from the auxiliary drainage line.
Kramer: No, it says main line.
David Puddy: It's a misprint. What do you got, a Clarkman?
Kramer: Yeah.
David Puddy: I'll call you back. I'll talk you through it.
Kramer: Oh, okay. Well, thanks, Puddy.

Jerry: What happened?
Kramer: I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Yeah, I punched him and they took him to the hospital and then they canceled the rest of the week.
Elaine: You punched who in the mouth?
Kramer: Mickey Mantle.
Jerry: What happened?
Kramer: Well, you know, we were playing a game and, you know, I was pitching, and I was really throwing some smoke. And Joe Pepitone, he was up, and man that guy, you know, he was crowding the plate.
Jerry: Wow! Joe Pepitone!
Kramer: Yeah, well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate. So I throw one, you know, inside, you know, a little chin music, put him right on his pants. 'cause I gotta intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well, the next pitch, he's right back in the same place. So, I had to plunk him.
Jerry: You plunked him.
Kramer: Oh yeah. Well, he throws down his bat, he comes racing up to the mound. Next thing, both benches are cleared, you know? A brouhaha breaks out between the guys in the camp, you know, and the old Yankee players. And as I'm trying to get Moose Skowron off of one of my teammates, you know, somebody pulls
me from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him. I looked down, and whoa man, it's Mickey. I punched his lights out.
Jerry: Wow, this is incredible!

Elaine: What time you got?
Kramer: Oh, no. I don't wear a watch.
Elaine: What do you do?
Kramer: Well, I tell time by the sun.
Elaine: How close do you get?
Kramer: Well, I can guess within an hour.
Elaine: [scoffs] Well, I can guess within the hour, and I don't even have to look at the sun.
Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: Well, what about at night? What do you do then?
Kramer: Well, night's tougher but it's only a couple of hours.

Elaine: What's this one?
Clerk: That's Cinnamon babka.
Jerry: Another babka?
Clerk: There's chocolate and there's cinnamon.
Jerry: Well, we've got to get the cinnamon.
Elaine: No, but they got the chocolate. We'll be going in with lesser babka.
Jerry: I beg your pardon? Cinnamon takes a back seat to no babka. People love cinnamon. It should be on tables at restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime anyone says, "Oh, this is so good. What's in it?" The answer invariably comes back, cinnamon. Cinnamon, again and again. Lesser babka? I think not.

Mr. Pitt: The resemblance is uncanny. [Elaine has a sour expression on her face as she drinks through a straw] Even the brown eyes.
Elaine: Well, a lot of people have brown eyes.
Mr. Pitt: No, there's something else. An indefinable quality.
Elaine: Grace?
Mr. Pitt: Grace, yes.
Elaine: You think I have grace?
Mr. Pitt: Some grace, yes.
Elaine: Just some?
Mr. Pitt: Well, you don't want too much grace or you won't be able to stand.
Elaine: [laughs] Oh, Mr. Pitt.

Kramer: Oh, hey. Hey, have I told you about my bunions? Oh, you're gonna love this story. So, I line up my cold cuts on the couch next to me, but as I'm stacking them up, they keep falling into my foot bath.
Jerry: Kramer, this is awful. We don't want to hear about this.
Kramer: Damn!
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Oh, I bought a bunch of bunion stories from Newman, but they all stink!
Elaine: How much did you pay for them?
Kramer: Eight bucks. I think I'm getting ripped off! [on his way out] Newman!

George: I can't go anywhere, I have to wait here for Tatiana's call. Let me just check. [to Bruce] Excuse me, I'm expecting a call. Costanza?
Bruce: Yeah, I just got a call. I yell 'Cartwright! Cartwright!', just like that. Nobody came up, I hang up.
George: Well, was it for Costanza or...
Bruce: Yes, yes, that's it. Nobody answered.
George: Well, was it a woman?
Bruce: Yeah, yeah. I tell her you not here, she said curse word, I hang up.
George: [returns to Jerry and Elaine] She called. He yelled Cartwright. I missed her.
Jerry: Who's Cartwright?
George: I'm Cartwright!
Jerry: You're not Cartwri-
George: Of course I'm not Cartwright!

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Car names are so stupid, aren't they? Like, no baron has ever owned a LeBaron. Or the Ford LTD. "LTD." Limited. It's a "limited" edition. What did they make, fifty million of those? "Yes, it's 'limited' to the number we can sell." Or when they try and mangle a positive word into a car name, you know how they'll do that? The "Integra." Oh, integrity? No, Integra. The "Supra." Or the "Impreza." Yeah? Well, I hope it's not a "lemona"... or you'll be hearing from my "lawya."

George: You wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner?
Mr. Steinbrenner: Yes, George, please, come in, come in. Thanks for the card. I loved it. Gosh it made me feel good. You know, George, word has it that you were the brains behind the whole thing.
George: Oh, no, not just me, the whole organization, you know. Especially Mr. Morgan.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Morgan. Morgan. You know, his name is conspicuously absent from this card. Almost like he went out of his way not to sign it.
George: Oh no, Morgan is a good man sir.
Mr. Steinbrenner: You can stop kowtowing to Morgan. Congratulations, you've got his job.
George: Well- Uh, thank you, sir. You know, I'm not quite sure I'm right for it.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Oh, it's done, George. He's out, you're in. A lot more work you know.
George: I know.
Mr. Steinbrenner: A lot more responsibility. Long, long hours.
George: I know.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Not much more money. But you'll finally get the recognition you deserve.
George: That's what I'm afraid of. You know, Mr. Steinbrenner-0
Mr. Steinbrenner: You know, George, as painful as it is, I've had to let a few people go over the years. Yogi Berra, Lou Piniella, Bucky Dent, Billy Martin, Dallas Green, Dick Hauser, Bill Virdon, Billy Martin, Stump Merrill, Billy Martin, Bob Lemon, Billy Martin, Gene Michael, Buck Showalter... Uh, tut! George, you didn't hear that from me. [George exits] George!

Student #1: And then I received a 740 on the English achievement test.
George: Quick, what's your favorite animal?
Student #1: I.. I don't know.. frog?
George: A frog?
Student #1: Well, I.. I..
George: Frog is wrong.

Elaine: Daddy certainly does have an extensive wardrobe.
Landlord: He is a fine dresser and I'm sure I don't have to tell you he's quite popular with the ladies.
Elaine: My father, really? I had no idea.
Landlord: Yes, they're crazy about him. There was one in particular, came around about two years ago, looked a lot like you, Professor. Could have been your mother. What was her name again? Carter? Kramer! That's it, Babs Kramer. Nasty woman, many a night I had to throw her out on the street, drunken stumblebum.
Kramer: You don't say?
Elaine: I found it!
Landlord: The woman used to walk around here half naked, sucking Colt 45 from a can. Her big fat stomach hanging out, orthopedic hose up to her knees, screaming down the hall, "Come back to bed, Albert, you big hairy ape, and bring back that box of Danish!"
[later:]
Kramer: So I grabbed the guy by the collar.
Elaine: Yeah, and I yelled out, "Kramer, Kramer, you're killing him!"
Jerry: So I assume the jig was up.
Elaine: Yeah, pretty much.

Woman: I wonder what happened to my fiance. I know he's here somewhere. Ellen? Have you seen my fiance?
Ellen: He's upstairs.
Woman: Are you going upstairs? Tell my fiance I'm looking for him. I have lost my fiance, the poor baby.
Elaine: [Australian accent] Maybe the dingo ate your baby.
Woman: What?
Elaine: The dingo ate your baby!