Trending ‘Seinfeld’ Quotes
[A wealthy, elderly couple admire Nina's painting of Kramer:]
Mrs. Armstrong: I sense great vulnerability. A man-child crying out for love. An innocent orphan in the post-modern world.
Mr. Armstrong: I see a parasite. A sexually-depraved miscreant, who is seeking to gratify basest and most immediate urges.
Mrs. Armstrong: His struggle is man's struggle. He lifts my spirit.
Mr. Armstrong: He is a loathsome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away.
Mrs. Armstrong: He transcends time and space.
Mr. Armstrong: He sickens me.
Mrs. Armstrong: I love it.
Mr. Armstrong: Me too.
Elaine: What time you got?
Kramer: Oh, no. I don't wear a watch.
Elaine: What do you do?
Kramer: Well, I tell time by the sun.
Elaine: How close do you get?
Kramer: Well, I can guess within an hour.
Elaine: [scoffs] Well, I can guess within the hour, and I don't even have to look at the sun.
Elaine: Well, what about at night? What do you do then?
Kramer: Well, night's tougher but it's only a couple of hours.
George: You like gum? 'Cause I have a friend in the gum business. I got a gum guy. I make one phone call. I got boxes of delivered right to your door.
Mrs. Sokol: The address!
George: [high-pitched] The address is... Jose Jimenez. You recognize it?
Mrs. Sokol: No.
George: Jose Jimenez. Very funny. He's very funny.
Tim Whatley: All right, it is cavity time. Ah, here we go. Which reminds me, did you here the one about the rabbi and the farmer's daughter? Huh?
Tim Whatley: "Those aren't matzo balls."
Jerry: Tim, do you think you should be making jokes like that?
Tim Whatley: Why not? I'm Jewish, remember?
Jerry: I know, but...
Tim Whatley: Jerry, it's our sense of humor that sustained us as a people for 3,000 years.
Tim Whatley: 5,000. Even better. Okay, Chrissie. Give me a shtickl of fluoride.
Kramer: [between coughs] Hey.
George: What's with the dog?
Kramer: Yeah, this is Smuckers. I borrowed him. [Smuckers coughs] Yeah, we share the same affliction, so I'm gonna have a vet check us out.
George: A vet?
Kramer: Oh, I'll take a vet over an MD any day. They gotta be able to cure a lizard, a chicken, a pig, a frog all on the same day.
George: So, if I may jump ahead, you're gonna take dog medicine?
Kramer: You bet we are! Huh, Smuckers? [Smuckers coughs]
Jerry: [picks up the phone] "555-3455." Well, wait a second. Don't you see, that's 555-FILK.
Kramer: What's "filk"?
Jerry: Filk's nothing, but 555-FILM is Moviefone.
Kramer: Oh, Moviefone.
Jerry: Yes, so people are just dialing it by mistake and getting you.
Kramer: So, I'm filk?
Jerry: You're filk.
Kramer: Oh, Mama.
Elaine: Oh, what is this? You got me something?
Kramer: Yeah. Open it.
Elaine: Oh, Kramer. The bench! You got me the bench that I wanted!
Kramer: That's pretty good, huh?
Kramer: Remember when we were standing there and she mentioned it? I made a mental note of it.
Jerry: Well, goody for you.
Kramer: Oh, yeah. I'm very sensitive about that. I mean, when someone's birthday comes up, I keep my ears open.
Kramer: So what'd you get her?
Jerry: 182 bucks.
Kramer: Cash? You gotta be kidding. What kind of gift is that? That's like something her uncle would get her.
Elaine: "Think where man's glory most begins and ends and say my glory was I had such a friend."
Elaine: Oh, Kramer. [hugs Kramer]
George: This is for you.
Evie: Oh, Georgie, you bought this for me? Oh I knew you cared for me.
George: As you care for me. Which is why it is very important that you never breathe a word of this to anyone about the... you know. What, with Clarence Thomas and everything.
Evie: Okay, okay, can I open it now?
George: Yes, of course go ahead. My guess is you're going to like this very much.
Woman: Oh! Is that cashmere?
George: Of course it's cashmere.
Evie: A cashmere sweater. Oh, Georgie Porgie!
George: Just a little something for Christmas.
Evie: When I was a little girl in Panama, a rich American came to our town and he was wearing the softest most beautiful sweater. I said to him, "What do you call this most beautiful fabric?", and he said, "They call it cashmere". I repeated the word, "Cashmere, cashmere". And I asked if I could have it, and he said "No. Get away from me." Then he started walk away. But I grabbed onto his leg screaming for him to give me the sweater and he dragged me through the street. And then he kicked at me with the other foot and threw some change at me. Oh, but I didn't want the change, Georgie. I wanted the cashmere.
George: I had a feeling you would like it. No, don't try it on now, try it on later.
Evie: Wow, look at this. It feels so beautiful.
George: Take it off. You're going to ruin it.
Evie: [notices the dot] What's this?
Jerry: I don't know. Opera, it's not my kind of thing.
Kramer: All right, you're not gonna go, I'm not gonna go. I'm gonna call the whole thing off.
Jerry: No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. That's not fair. What about George, Susan and Elaine? What do you need me for?
Kramer: You're the nucleus. The straw that stirs the drink. You're the magliana!
Jerry: Well, I guess if I'm the magliana, I should go.
Elaine: Did you read the whole thing?
Kramer: Oh, yeah.
Elaine: Yeah? So, what's it about?
Kramer: Well, it's a story about love, deception, greed, lust, and unbridled enthusiasm.
Elaine: Unbridled enthusiasm?
Kramer: That's what led to Billy Mumphrey's downfall.
Elaine: Oh, boy.
Kramer: You see, Elaine, Billy was a simple country boy, you might say a cockeyed optimist, who got himself mixed up in the high-stakes game of world diplomacy and international intrigue.
Elaine: Oh, my God.
George: I gotta go meet Elaine.
Susan Ross: Elaine? What for?
George: I don't know. She- She's having some problems with this guy she's seeing.
Susan Ross: I didn't even know she was dating anyone.
George: Yeah, yeah. She's seeing this guy, Art Vandelay.
Susan Ross: So what does he do?
George: He's an importer-exporter.
Susan Ross: What kind of problems are they having?
George: Well, he... Uh, he wants to, uh, quit the exporting and uh, focus just on the importing. And it's a problem, because she thinks the exporting is as important as the importing.
Susan Ross: Are you having an affair with Elaine?
George: Right. Come on! I'm having an affair with Elaine?! If I was having an affair with Elaine, I wouldn't tell you I'm going to see Elaine. I would make up some other person to tell you I was gonna go see, and then I would go see Ela... Elaine.
Susan Ross: Huh?
[George gives a smile and walks out the door]
Newman: Are you sure you know where the impound yard is?
Kramer: Oh, stop stalling. Come on.
Newman: I can't think. There's all this noise.
Kramer: Or is it because I've built a stronghold around Greenland? I've driven you out of Western Europe and I've left you teetering on the brink of complete annihilation.
Newman: I'm not beaten yet. I still have armies in the Ukraine.
Kramer: [chuckles] Yeah? The Ukraine. Do you know what the Ukraine is? It's a sitting duck. A road apple, Newman. The Ukraine is weak. It's feeble. I think it's time to put the hurt on the Ukraine.
Ukrainian Man: I come from Ukraine. You not say Ukraine weak.
Kramer: Yeah, well we're playing a game here, pal.
Ukrainian Man: Ukraine is game to you?! How about I take your little board and smash it!
Jerry: Um. Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice you offered her a piece of your pie.
Woman #1: That's right.
Jerry: And you waved it away.
Woman #2: [British accent] Right.
Jerry: Did you give her a reason?
Woman #2: Yes, I was full.
Jerry: You were full. So you gave a reason. You didn't just shake your head.
Woman #2: No, I'm not a psycho.
Jerry: Exactly. You're not a psycho. You've been very helpful. Thank you very much. Allow me to leave the tip. [sits back with Elaine & Kramer] Well, I think we proven who the psycho is.
Elaine: We certainly have.
George: [on the phone] Jerry! My hair dryer ruined the picture. I need one or I can't get back into the forbidden city.
Jerry: Who is this?
George: Jerry! I need you to get another picture of man-hands. I'm begging you.
Jerry: If I get it, will you take me to that club and show me a good time?
George: Yes, yes, all right. Anything.
Elaine: Um, George felt that I was too adamant in my stance that Art should focus on the exporting and forget about the importing.
Susan Ross: Wait a minute. I thought that Art wanted to give up the exporting.
Elaine: What did I say?
Susan Ross: The importing.
Elaine: I did. Uh...
Susan Ross: So, what does he uh, import?
Susan Ross: Oh. What kinda chips?
Susan Ross: Ah.
Elaine: Some corn.
Susan Ross: And what does he export?
Jerry: What are you doing? We're going out to dinner in ten minutes.
George: I never assisted in a birth before. It's really quite disgusting.
Jerry: What did she name the kid?
George: You wouldn't believe it. Rasputin.
Julie: I like Anna Quindlen's column. And Safire. Don't you like Safire?
George: Oh, Safire. [chuckles]
Julie: Although at times, he can be rather pedantic.
George: He can be pedantic. He can be pedantic.
Julie: And Bob Herbert's great. He's with the Daily News.
George: Yes. Yes. You know what's interesting. The quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons is Bobby Hebert. No "r" which I find fascinating. You know, it's Herbert h-e-r-b-e-r-t, Hebert h-e-b-e-r-t. "Hebert", it's a fun name to pronounce. Try and say it Hebert. Go ahead, take a shot.
George: What'd you do that for?
Jerry: She was looking for someone to go to the show with.
George: Well, that was a really stupid thing! You know what's going to happen now?
Jerry: World's collide.
George: Well, yeah!
Jerry: Because this world is your sanctuary and if that world comes into contact with-
George: Yes, it blows up! So if you know that, what did you tell Elaine for?
Jerry: I didn't know. Kramer told me about the worlds.
George: You couldn't figure out the worlds theory for yourself? It's just common sense. Anybody knows, you gotta keep your worlds apart.
Jerry: Yeah, I guess I slipped up.
Kramer: Oh, hey. Hey, have I told you about my bunions? Oh, you're gonna love this story. So, I line up my cold cuts on the couch next to me, but as I'm stacking them up, they keep falling into my foot bath.
Jerry: Kramer, this is awful. We don't want to hear about this.
Kramer: Oh, I bought a bunch of bunion stories from Newman, but they all stink!
Elaine: How much did you pay for them?
Kramer: Eight bucks. I think I'm getting ripped off! [on his way out] Newman!