Trending ‘Seinfeld’ Quotes

Quote from Jerry in The Pitch/The Ticket

Jerry: You know, we're supposed to be there by two o'clock. We should take a cab.
George: All right, we'll be a little late. I'm not taking a cab.
Jerry: I'll pay for it.
George: It's not the money.
Jerry: Well, what is it you object to? The comfort? The speed? The convenience?

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Quote from Kramer in The Doodle

Elaine: Did you read the whole thing?
Kramer: Oh, yeah.
Elaine: Yeah? So, what's it about?
Kramer: Well, it's a story about love, deception, greed, lust, and unbridled enthusiasm.
Elaine: Unbridled enthusiasm?
Kramer: That's what led to Billy Mumphrey's downfall.
Elaine: Oh, boy.
Kramer: You see, Elaine, Billy was a simple country boy, you might say a cockeyed optimist, who got himself mixed up in the high-stakes game of world diplomacy and international intrigue.
Elaine: Oh, my God.

Quote from Jerry in The Masseuse

Jerry: [on the phone] No, eight years isn't such a long streak.
Elaine: It isn't?
Jerry: No, I haven't vomited in thirteen years.
Elaine: Get out!
Jerry: Not since June 29, 1980.
Elaine: You remember the date?
Jerry: Yes, because my previous vomit was also June 29th... 1972. That's why during the '80 vomit, I was yelling to George: "Can you believe it? I'm vomiting on June 29th again."
Elaine: Boy, you know when Joel told me he hadn't thrown up in eight years, I was wondering if he was normal.
Jerry: Oh, Elaine, he's normal. Your boyfriend is a normal guy. He just happens to have the same name as one of the worst serial killers in the history of New-York.

Quote from Kramer in The Letter

[A wealthy, elderly couple admire Nina's painting of Kramer:]
Mrs. Armstrong: I sense great vulnerability. A man-child crying out for love. An innocent orphan in the post-modern world.
Mr. Armstrong: I see a parasite. A sexually-depraved miscreant, who is seeking to gratify basest and most immediate urges.
[cut:]
Mrs. Armstrong: His struggle is man's struggle. He lifts my spirit.
Mr. Armstrong: He is a loathsome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away.
[cut:]
Mrs. Armstrong: He transcends time and space.
Mr. Armstrong: He sickens me.
Mrs. Armstrong: I love it.
Mr. Armstrong: Me too.

Quote from Jerry in The Maestro

Jerry: Yeah, you know the other day how you mentioned that there were no houses available in Tuscany?
Maestro: You didn't find one, did you?
Jerry: No. I'm not really looking.
Maestro: Nor should you.
Jerry: But are you telling me there's not one house to rent in all of Tuscany?
Maestro: The houses are passed down from generation to generation. It's very hard.
Jerry: I can't get a sublet, a guest room, a cot, nothing?
Maestro: It's booked solid!
Elaine: It's booked, Jerry!
Jerry: How'd you get yours?
Maestro: Got lucky. Come on, Elaine, let's take a ride, I was about to pop in some Verdi.
[Elaine sings "La donna è mobile" as she gets into the Maestro's car. They drive away.]
Jerry: Maybe I'll check out France.

Quote from Kramer in The Deal

Elaine: Oh, what is this? You got me something?
Kramer: Yeah. Open it.
Elaine: Oh, Kramer. The bench! You got me the bench that I wanted!
Kramer: That's pretty good, huh?
Jerry: Great.
Kramer: Remember when we were standing there and she mentioned it? I made a mental note of it.
Jerry: Well, goody for you.
Kramer: Oh, yeah. I'm very sensitive about that. I mean, when someone's birthday comes up, I keep my ears open.
Kramer: So what'd you get her?
Jerry: 182 bucks.
Kramer: Cash? You gotta be kidding. What kind of gift is that? That's like something her uncle would get her.
Elaine: "Think where man's glory most begins and ends and say my glory was I had such a friend."
Kramer: Yeats.
Elaine: Oh, Kramer. [hugs Kramer]

Quote from Elaine in The Couch

Carl: Do you think about me?
Elaine: Oh yeah, all the time, all the time...although, recently I've been thinking about this friend of mine.
Carl: What friend?
Elaine: Oh, just this woman. She got impregnated by her troglodytic half-brother, and decided to have an abortion.
Carl: You know, someday, we're going to get enough people in the Supreme Court to change that law.
[Elaine weeps to herself]

Quote from Elaine in The Cadillac

Elaine: Um, George felt that I was too adamant in my stance that Art should focus on the exporting and forget about the importing.
Susan Ross: Wait a minute. I thought that Art wanted to give up the exporting.
Elaine: What did I say?
Susan Ross: The importing.
Elaine: I did. Uh...
Susan Ross: So, what does he uh, import?
Elaine: Chips.
Susan Ross: Oh. What kinda chips?
Elaine: Potato.
Susan Ross: Ah.
Elaine: Some corn.
Susan Ross: And what does he export?
Elaine: Diapers.

Quote from Jerry in The English Patient

Jerry: So again, Mr. Mandelbaum, this back specialist is supposed to be the best. So if there's anything else I can do, please don't hesitate to, uh, try and find my number.
Izzy: Uh, oh, wait. [grabs t-shirt] How about that, huh? "The World's Greatest Dad". My son made it for me.
Jerry: That's very nice.
Izzy: The best in the world. Which means I'm better than just #1.
Jerry: Well, I don't know how official any of these rankings really are.

Quote from Frank Costanza in The Shower Head

George: Hey, hey, how was Florida?
Morty Seinfeld: Well, we just bought a new place down there.
Estelle Costanza: I know, we were looking at the brochure.
Morty Seinfeld: What?
Helen Seinfeld: Why, you thinking of moving?
Frank Costanza: Not really.
Morty Seinfeld: Because if you are, you shouldn't. There's nothing available in that development.
Frank Costanza: Are you telling me there's not one condo available in all of Del Boca Vista?
Morty Seinfeld: That's right. They went like hotcakes.
Frank Costanza: How'd you get yours?
Morty Seinfeld: Got lucky.
Frank Costanza: [shouting] Are you trying to keep us out of Del Boca Vista?!

Quote from Kramer in The Subway

Kramer: Oh yeah, it's all set. They got the bug boy on it.
Man: The bug boy?
Kramer: Yeah, the little fella's been riding his heart out. They're gonna break his maiden.
Man: Really? But, it's a little bit slow out there. It rained last night.
Kramer: Oh, this baby loves the slop. Loves it, eats it up. Eats the slop. Born in the slop. His father was a mudder.
Man: His father was a mudder?
Kramer: His mother was a mudder.
Man: His mother was a mudder?
Kramer: What did I just say?

Quote from Jerry in The Foundation

George: What were you saying to the Rosses over there, anyway?
Jerry: Oh, I don't know. I told them, "Her death takes place in the shadow of new life. She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her."
George: What is that?
Jerry: Star Trek II.
George: Wrath of Khan!
Jerry: Right. Kramer and I saw it last night. Spock dies and they wrap him up in a towel, and they shoot him out the bowel of the ship in that big sunglasses case.
George: That was a hell of a thing when Spock died.
Jerry: Yeah.

Quote from George in The Red Dot

George: This is for you.
Evie: Oh, Georgie, you bought this for me? Oh I knew you cared for me.
George: As you care for me. Which is why it is very important that you never breathe a word of this to anyone about the... you know. What, with Clarence Thomas and everything.
Evie: Okay, okay, can I open it now?
George: Yes, of course go ahead. My guess is you're going to like this very much.
Woman: Oh! Is that cashmere?
George: Of course it's cashmere.
Evie: A cashmere sweater. Oh, Georgie Porgie!
George: Just a little something for Christmas.
Evie: When I was a little girl in Panama, a rich American came to our town and he was wearing the softest most beautiful sweater. I said to him, "What do you call this most beautiful fabric?", and he said, "They call it cashmere". I repeated the word, "Cashmere, cashmere". And I asked if I could have it, and he said "No. Get away from me." Then he started walk away. But I grabbed onto his leg screaming for him to give me the sweater and he dragged me through the street. And then he kicked at me with the other foot and threw some change at me. Oh, but I didn't want the change, Georgie. I wanted the cashmere.
George: I had a feeling you would like it. No, don't try it on now, try it on later.
Evie: Wow, look at this. It feels so beautiful.
George: Take it off. You're going to ruin it.
Evie: [notices the dot] What's this?

Quote from George in The Invitations

Susan Ross: What are you doing?
[George shrugs and lights up the cigarette]
Susan Ross: Since when do you smoke?
George: [coughs] I've always smoked.
Susan Ross: I've never seen you smoke.
George: Oh, yeah. Well, big smoker. I gave it up for a while but it was too tough. You know, I got no will power.
Susan Ross: I don't like this one bit.
George: Well, [coughs] I can't stop now. [coughs] I'm addicted. [barely able to talk] They've got a hold on me!
Susan Ross: Well, you are gonna have to quit.
George: Oh, God. [rushes to the bathroom]

Quote from Jerry in The Library

Jerry: Oh, I'm glad you're here, so we can get this all straightened out. Would you like a cup of tea?
Lt. Bookman: You got any coffee?
Jerry: Coffee?
Lt. Bookman: Yeah, coffee.
Jerry: No, I don't drink coffee.
Lt. Bookman: Yeah, you don't drink coffee? How about instant coffee?
Jerry: No, I don't have-
Lt. Bookman: You don't have any instant coffee?
Jerry: Well, I don't normally-
Lt. Bookman: Who doesn't have instant coffee?
Jerry: I don't.
Lt. Bookman: You buy a jar of Folger's Crystals, you put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. Then later on when you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried crystals.
Jerry: Really? I'll have to remember that.

Quote from Jerry in The Dinner Party

Elaine: What's this one?
Clerk: That's Cinnamon babka.
Jerry: Another babka?
Clerk: There's chocolate and there's cinnamon.
Jerry: Well, we've got to get the cinnamon.
Elaine: No, but they got the chocolate. We'll be going in with lesser babka.
Jerry: I beg your pardon? Cinnamon takes a back seat to no babka. People love cinnamon. It should be on tables at restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime anyone says, "Oh, this is so good. What's in it?" The answer invariably comes back, Cinnamon. Cinnamon. Again and again. Lesser babka? I think not.

Quote from Jerry in The Shower Head

George: I can't believe I didn't push for this sooner.
Jerry: You have no idea how your life is gonna improve as a result of this. Food tastes better. The air seems fresher. You'll have more energy and self confidence than you ever dreamed of.

Quote from Jerry in The English Patient

Izzy: What are you doing here?
Jerry: Aw, Mr Mandelbaum, I just wanted to come by and tell you how sorry I was that you hurt yourself.
Izzy: What the hell is that?
Jerry: What?
Izzy: That shirt. You think that you are the number #1 dad?
Morty Seinfeld: This was a gift from my son.
Izzy: Oh, I see how it works now. He knocks me out of commission, so you can strut around in your fancy number one shirt. Well, I'll show you who's number one. [starts to get out of bed]
Jerry: Mr Mandelbaum, please.
Izzy: It's go time. [his back cracks as he stands up] Ah! My back. I can't move.
Morty Seinfeld: Call an ambulance.
Jerry: I think I saw one a couple of doors down.

Quote from Kramer in The Couch

Kramer: All right, put a little sauce on here. Some cheese.
Poppie: Not too much!
Kramer: And cucumbers!
Poppie: Wait a second. What is that?
Kramer: It's cucumbers.
Poppie: No, no. You can't put cucumbers on a pizza.
Kramer: Well, why not? I like cucumbers.
Poppie: That's not a pizza. It'll taste terrible.
Kramer: But that's the idea, you make your own pie.
Poppie: Yes, but we cannot give the people the right to choose any topping they want! Now, on this issue, there can be no debate!
Kramer: What gives you the right to tell me how I would make my pie?
Poppie: Because it's a pizza!
Kramer: It's not a pizza until it comes out of the oven!
Poppie: It's a pizza the moment you put your fists in the dough!
Kramer: No, it isn't!
Poppie: Yes, it is!

Quote from Kramer in The Bizarro Jerry

Kramer: What did you wanna see me about, Mr. Leland?
Leland: Kramer, I've been reviewing your work. Quite frankly, it stinks.
Kramer: Well, l.... I've been having trouble at home. And uh... I mean, you know, I'll work harder, nights, weekends, whatever it takes.
Leland: No. No. I don't think that's going to do it. These reports you handed in, it's almost as if you have no business training at all. I don't know what this is supposed to be.
Kramer: Well, I'm just trying to get ahead.
Leland: Well, I'm sorry. There's just no way that we could keep you on.
Kramer: But I don't even really work here.
Leland: That's what makes this so difficult.