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‘The Cafe’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Cafe

307. The Cafe

Aired November 6, 1991

Jerry notices that there aren't many customers stopping by a small neighborhood cafe. Meanwhile, George agrees to take an IQ test for his girlfriend, but he asks Elaine to take it for him.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Anyway, it's been two years. I mean isn't there like statue of limitations on that?
Jerry: Statute.
Kramer: What?
Jerry: Statute of limitations. It's not a statue.
Kramer: No, it's statue.
Jerry: Fine, it's a sculpture of limitations.
Kramer: Just wait a minute. Elaine, Elaine! Now, you're smart, is it statue or statute of limitations?
Elaine: Statute.
Kramer: Oh, I really think you're wrong.

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: You know, there's always that one location, one store location that's constantly changing hands. Everybody has this in their neighborhood. It's a leather store, then it's a yogurt shop, it's a pet supply. It's constantly changing and nobody can do business there. It's like some sort of Bermuda triangle of retail, you know? Stores open up and then they just disappear without a trace. Nobody knows what happened to 'em. I guess eventually, when, like, aliens land in mother ship of close encounters, bottom will slowly open and all these store owners will come wondering out in a daze going, "I thought there would be more walk-in traffic didn't you?"

Quote from Jerry

Babu Bhatt: Welcome to the Dream Cafe.
Jerry: Well, I've been looking forward to it.
Babu Bhatt: Oh, how did you hear about us?
Jerry: Eh, people, people are talking.
Babu Bhatt: Smoking or non-smoking? We are proud to offer both.
Jerry: Non-smoking would be great.
Babu Bhatt: Very good. My name is Babu Bhatt, I will be your waiter. A steaming hot face cloth for your pleasure.
Jerry: Thank you. [throws the cloth around like a hot potato]
Babu Bhatt: Our specials are tacos, moussaka, and franks and beans.
Jerry: Well, what do you recommend my good fellow?
Babu Bhatt: Oh, the turkey.
Jerry: Oh, the turkey it'll be. And may I say you have a splendid establishment here , my friend. I'm sure you will flourish in this location for many many years.
Babu Bhatt: You're a very kind man. Very kind, thank you. Very kind.
Jerry: [inner monologue] Very kind. I am a kind man. Who else would do something like this? Nobody. Nobody thinks about people like I do. All right, snap out of it you stupid jerk. You're eating a turkey sandwich. What do want, a Nobel price?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Babu, you're Pakistani?
Babu Bhatt: Yes, Pakistani. Yes.
Jerry: Babu, may I say something?
Babu Bhatt: Of course, you're a very smart man. I'll listen.
Jerry: I'm not a restaurateur by any means, but it occurred to me that perhaps you might serve some dishes from your native Pakistan? As opposed to, say, the franks and beans, for example.
Babu Bhatt: But there are no Pakistani people here.
Jerry: Doesn't matter. You would have the only authentic Pakistani restaurant in the whole neighborhood.
Babu Bhatt: Yes, you see everything, don't you?
Jerry: Well, not everything. I do what I can.
Babu Bhatt: I'll close down today and when I open again it'll be whole Pakistani restaurant. Thank you. Thank you, very much. You're a very special person, very special.
Jerry: [inner monologue] I am such a great guy. Who else would've gone through the trouble of helping this poor immigrant? I am special. My mother was right. Of course, I've never had Pakistani food. How bad it could be?

Quote from George

Monica: What happened to the test?
George: What? Oh, I spilled some food on it.
Monica: Food? What food?
George: What are you talking about?
Monica: Where did you get food?
George: From my pocket.
Monica: What?
George: I, uh... I had a sandwich in my pocket.
Monica: And coffee?
George: Yeah. Had some coffee, yeah.
Monica: Where did you get the coffee?
George: Where did I get the coffee? Where do think I got the coffee? At the grocery store.
Monica: How did you get there?
George: I walked.
Monica: How did you get out of the apartment? I didn't see you leave.
George: I climbed out the window.
Monica: You climbed out the window?
George: Of course.
Monica: Why didn't you go out the door?
George: The door? Why would I go out the door? The window is right here.
Monica: You are a fascinating man, George Costanza.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Babu? Babu... [waves Babu to come to table] Babu, you know, I got to tell you, I never do this, but the shrimp, it's just that it's a little stringy. You have any chicken?
Babu Bhatt: The shrimp is stringy?
Jerry: Well, maybe your refrigerator...
Babu Bhatt: Quiet!
Jerry: No, I-
Babu Bhatt: You shut up! You make me change restaurant, but nobody comes! You say make Pakistani, Babu Bhatt have only Pakistani restaurant. But where are people? You see people? Show me people. There are no people!
Jerry: You know, I think I'll just take the check.
Babu Bhatt: You bad man! You very very bad man! [exits]
Jerry: [inner monologue] Bad man? Could my have mother been wrong?

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: It's tough to do a good deed. Let's lok at your professional good deed doers. Your Lone Rangers, your Supermen, your Batmen, your Spidermen, your Elasticmen. They are all wearing disguises. Masks over their faces. Secret identities. Don't want people to know who they are. It's too much aggravation. "Superman, yeah, thanks for saving my life, but did you have to come through my wall? I'm renting here. They've got a security deposit. What am I supposed to do?"

Quote from George

Elaine: Now, what is this test?
Jerry: This woman he's dating is making him to take this IQ test for this course.
Elaine: Oh, that sounds like fun.
George: Yeah, fun. IQ tests are totally bogus. They prove nothing.
Elaine: You'll do well, you're smart.
Jerry: No see, he's not smart. People think he's smart, but he's not.
Elaine: What did you get on your SAT's?
George: It varies.

Quote from George

George: She wants me to take an IQ test.
Jerry: That's because you're stupid enough to wear the cologne.
George: No, she's taking this course in education for her masters. It's part of her research project, I have to be a guinea pig.
Jerry: I've never been a guinea pig. I've been a sheep, a toady...
George: You know, I can't talk to you anymore.
Jerry: All right, I'm sorry. Go ahead, you're taking the IQ test.
George: Yeah, and she's going to find I'm a moron. You know, people think I'm smart, but I'm not smart.
Jerry: Who thinks you're smart?

Quote from George

George: I'm sure I have a low IQ. I've been lying about my SAT scores for 15 years.
Jerry: What did you get?
George: What did I get or what do I say I got?
Jerry: What do you say?
George: I say 1409.
Jerry: 1409, that's a good score.
George: You're telling me.
Jerry: What did you really get?
George: You are my friend.
Jerry: Of course.
George: I tell you everything, right?
Jerry: I hope so.
George: Well, this I take to the grave.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: He's serving Mexican, Italian, Chinese. He's all over the place. That's why no one is going in.
Elaine: Why do you keep watching?
Jerry: I don't know, I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the toilet, struggling for a survival. And even though you know it's not going to make it, you kind of root it for awhile.
Elaine: And then you flush.
Jerry: Well, it's a spider.
Elaine: You know, sometimes people won't go in to a place, if they don't see anyone else in there. [Jerry pulls his sweater over his nose] You have to do that? Jerry, don't do that, that is so annoying.
Jerry: Bazooka Joe.

Quote from George

George: You go in the living room. I'll take the test in here.
Monica: But why?
George: I can't concentrate in front of you.
Monica: Oh, I think you're making too much of this. IQ tests don't mean anything.
George: Are you kidding me? This is the best tool we have today of measuring a persons intelligence.
Monica: Well, I certainly don't place any importance on it.
George: Well, I think you're wrong about that. And now if you would excuse me, I would like to get started please.
Monica: Good luck.
George: Don't need it.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: Thank you, Babu. You have quite a flair. You are quite the restaurateur I must say.
Babu Bhatt: It is indeed my pleasure.
Jerry: Oh, please...
[Elaine enters]
Babu Bhatt: Oh, welcome to the Dream Cafe. Our specials today...
Elaine: Oh, no, no. I'll just have a tea and toast.
Babu Bhatt: Tea and toast.
Jerry: Eat something! Babu...
Elaine: Um, okay. Well, I'll have the rigatoni.
Babu Bhatt: Oh, very good choice. Very good.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: This guy leaves this jacket at my mothers house two years ago. Now, she hasn't spoken to him since and now he says he wants the jacket back.
Jerry: So?
Kramer: Well, I'm not giving it back.
Jerry: Why not?
Kramer: Because I meet a lot of women in this jacket. You know, they're attracted to it. I mean, why do you think my mother went out with him?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Well, congratulations my friend. You know, I'm sorry I missed the grand re-opening. I was out of town for about a week.
Babu Bhatt: [downbeat] You see how I listened. I worked very hard, borrowed more money.
Jerry: I think it's fantastic. Has a certain indefinable charm.
Babu Bhatt: You wish to eat?
Jerry: Let me tell you something, Babu. You go back there in that kitchen and tell your chef I want the works.
Babu Bhatt: Very good.
Jerry: [inner monologue] Very good? No, not very good, very great. I am very, very great.


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