Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Letter’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Letter

321. The Letter

Aired March 25, 1992

Jerry tries to break up with his artist girlfriend, but a heartfelt letter changes his mind. Meanwhile, Elaine gets in trouble at a baseball game for wearing a rival team's cap, George is talked into buying a piece of art, and Kramer poses for a painting.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Do you think that the security guards in the art museums really ever stop anybody from taking the paintings? I mean, are they going up to people going, "Hey, where do you think you're going with that? Hey, come over here. Come over here. Give me that Cezanne." I mean, look at the job that this man is hired to do. He's getting five dollars an hour to protect millions of dollars of priceless art with what? He's got a light mocha brown uniform and a USA Today. This is what he's got. I mean, crooks must look at this guy and think, "Well, all we've got to do is get past the folding chair and the thermos of coffee, and we can get a Rembrandt."

Rate

Quote from Kramer

[A wealthy, elderly couple admire Nina's painting of Kramer:]
Mrs. Armstrong: I sense great vulnerability. A man-child crying out for love. An innocent orphan in the post-modern world.
Mr. Armstrong: I see a parasite. A sexually-depraved miscreant, who is seeking to gratify basest and most immediate urges.
[cut:]
Mrs. Armstrong: His struggle is man's struggle. He lifts my spirit.
Mr. Armstrong: He is a loathsome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away.
[cut:]
Mrs. Armstrong: He transcends time and space.
Mr. Armstrong: He sickens me.
Mrs. Armstrong: I love it.
Mr. Armstrong: Me too.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Wait, wait a second! Go back, go back to that.
Elaine: It's Chapter 2. It's Neil Simon.
Jerry: Wait a second. Wait a second. My God. The letter. That's the letter.
Elaine: What letter?
Jerry: This is the letter she wrote to me. She stole it right from the movie!
Jerry: [in unison with the woman on TV] "...'cause you don't even make the slightest effort to offer happiness still know that I love you!"
George: This is incredible.
Jerry: I always thought there was something funny about this letter. She's copied it right out of Chapter 2. She's a thief, a bunko-artist!
George: Maybe I won't send her that check.
Elaine: You know, it's not really that terrible.
Jerry: What are you talking about? She completely misrepresented herself. I don't opt for happiness. I opt for happiness. James Caan doesn't offer happiness!

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Then, when I was seventeen, I ran away from home and hopped a steamship to Sweden. Hmm. This steak is excellent, by the way.
Mrs. Armstrong: More potatoes?
Kramer: Yeah, sure. Please.
Mr. Armstrong: Yes, yes. Go on. You hopped a steamship to Sweden?
Kramer: Yeah. And, it was a big one.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Well, did he say that?
Mr. West: No, no, but he gave me the seats. And I don't think he'd like it if you wore an Orioles cap.
Elaine: Yeah, well, maybe you should ask him!
Mr. West: I don't have to ask him! Now are you gonna take the hat off or not?
Elaine: No! I don't have to take it off, why should I take it off? This is ridiculous!
George: Just take the cap off.
Elaine: George, I am at a baseball game! This is America!
Mr. West: Look. Either you take the cap off, or you'll have to leave.
Elaine: Well, I don't care, I'm not taking it off.

Quote from George

George: Button fly! Why do they put buttons on a fly? It takes ten minutes to get these things open!
Jerry: I like the button fly.
George: What?
Jerry: That is one place on my wardrobe I do not need sharp interlocking metal teeth. It's like a mink trap down there.
George: I'm gonna develop kidney problems.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Are you getting the eyes? 'cause they're brown. Or, really, they're dark brown, like rich, Colombian coffee.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: I could've been at my boss' son's bris right now.
George: That's what you were supposed to do that?
Elaine: [shrugs] Yeah. What makes you think anyone would want to go to a circumcision?
George: I'd rather go to a hanging.
Elaine: Is it that unattractive they have to take it off?
George: Have you ever seen one with it?
Elaine: No.
George: You wouldn't even know what it was.
Elaine: Anyway, I called him back... I told him I had to go visit my father in the hospital in Maryland.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Hi, Mr. Lippman.
Mr. Lippman: How's your father?
Elaine: My, my father?
Mr. Lippman: Yeah. You, you went to see him, right?
Elaine: Yeah.
Mr. Lippman: Uh-huh.
Elaine: I went to visit him.
Mr. Lippman: Uh-huh. So, what was wrong with him?
Elaine: Well, you name it, uh, neuritis, uh, neuralgia...

Quote from Elaine

Mr. Lippman: But- But he's feeling better now?
Elaine: Um, yup. Yes, yes, it just... such a miracle, um. My visit must have buoyed ["boyed"] his spirits.
Mr. Lippman: Boo-eed.
Elaine: What- What did I say?
Mr. Lippman: You said "boyed."
Elaine: I did?
Mr. Lippman: Yeah.
[As Elaine and Mr. Lippman laugh, Elaine casually takes the sports section of the paper off his desk]

Quote from George

George: Five-hundred dollars?! What?
Jerry: That's what she told me.
George: I'm not paying $500 for this! It's a piece of junk!
Jerry: That's what it costs.
George: Why did you even take it? You broke up with her!
Jerry: I wasn't thinking. I don't know.
George: You weren't thinking.
Jerry: Well, I mean, she framed it and everything.
George: Well, I'm not buying it. No way. Forget it. No way I'm buying this! I mean, look at it! What is it? It's a bunch of squiggly lines! Are you telling me you couldn't paint this?
Jerry: Do you want me to paint you something? I'd love to paint you something!
George: I'm not paying for this. If you were going out with her, it'd be a different story.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: This is amazing, you can't believe this!
George: What's it say?
Jerry: Listen to this: "I don't know what you expect to find out there, Jerry, you know what you want better than me. But there's one thing I do know. I know I can stand here watching you try to destroy everything I've ever wanted in my life, wanting to smash your face with my fists, because you won't make even the slightest effort to offer happiness and still know that I love you. You mean so much to me that I'm willing to take all your abuse and insults and insensitivity."
George: Wow.
Kramer: She's deep.
Jerry: "...'cause that's what you need to do to prove I'm not going to leave you. I'm sick and tired of running from places and people and relationships. You want me, that fight for me, becau-" [Kramer blows his nose loudly] "...because I'm sure as hell fighting for you!" [Kramer wipes the snotty cloth on George's painting]
Kramer: You know Jerry, she sounds like a poet!
Jerry: No one's ever written me a letter like this. Maybe I was wrong about her!

Quote from George

Nina: Hello, George.
George: Hey, Nina! I owe you some money, don't I?
Nina: Well, I really love that piece.
George: Oh, yeah, me too, me too. Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy! [chuckles] You know, in fact, I've been thinking about it, and I feel like I'm stealing from you! Five-hundred dollars! It's gonna be worth thousands soon! You know what? On second thought, I can't even accept it.
Nina: No, no no no, George! A deal's a deal. I want you to have it!
George: This could be in a museum some day. It's not safe with me. It should really be in a doormanned building.
Nina: Honestly, George, the money's not important.
George: Who said anything about money?

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: So, baseball season is starting. I'm very excited about that. Did you ever sneak down to better seats at the game and get caught by the usher? When you're a kid, it doesn't matter, because you're always getting chased from every place anyway, so... When you're an adult, it's really embarrassing to get caught. You have to pretend like there's some confusion. So you put on this whole act. You're looking at the tickets. "I don't understand how this could have happened. Let me see what happened. Oh, I understand. These are very good seats. I have very bad seats. That's the misunderstanding."

Quote from Elaine

Mr. Lippman: Yeah, so Lenny gave me the tickets for tomorrow night. I'm inviting Frank and Marsha. I want you to come.
Elaine: Ah. I've- I've got plans, though, Mr. Li-
Mr. Lippman: Well, break 'em. You missed the bris, I want you at the game.
Elaine: Okay.
Mr. Lippman: Good. [Elaine stars to leave] Oh, and Elaine, you know the Baltimore cap you got in your office? Wear it. I'm gonna have a little fun with him.
Elaine: That will be fun.


 Episode 320 Episode 322 
  Select another episode