[stand-up:]
Jerry: Do you think that the security guards in the art museums really ever stop anybody from taking the paintings? I mean, are they going up to people going, "Hey, where do you think you're going with that? Hey, come over here. Come over here. Give me that Cezanne." I mean, look at the job that this man is hired to do. He's getting five dollars an hour to protect millions of dollars of priceless art with what? He's got a light mocha brown uniform and a USA Today. This is what he's got. I mean, crooks must look at this guy and think, "Well, all we've got to do is get past the folding chair and the thermos of coffee, and we can get a Rembrandt."

[A wealthy, elderly couple admire Nina's painting of Kramer:]
Mrs. Armstrong: I sense great vulnerability. A man-child crying out for love. An innocent orphan in the post-modern world.
Mr. Armstrong: I see a parasite. A sexually-depraved miscreant, who is seeking to gratify basest and most immediate urges.
[cut:]
Mrs. Armstrong: His struggle is man's struggle. He lifts my spirit.
Mr. Armstrong: He is a loathsome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away.
[cut:]
Mrs. Armstrong: He transcends time and space.
Mr. Armstrong: He sickens me.
Mrs. Armstrong: I love it.
Mr. Armstrong: Me too.

Jerry: Wait, wait a second! Go back, go back to that.
Elaine: It's Chapter 2. It's Neil Simon.
Jerry: Wait a second. Wait a second. My God. The letter. That's the letter.
Elaine: What letter?
Jerry: This is the letter she wrote to me. She stole it right from the movie!
Jerry: [in unison with the woman on TV] "...'cause you don't even make the slightest effort to offer happiness still know that I love you!"
George: This is incredible.
Jerry: I always thought there was something funny about this letter. She's copied it right out of Chapter 2. She's a thief, a bunko-artist!
George: Maybe I won't send her that check.
Elaine: You know, it's not really that terrible.
Jerry: What are you talking about? She completely misrepresented herself. I don't opt for happiness? I opt for happiness. James Caan doesn't opt for happiness!

Kramer: Then, when I was seventeen, I ran away from home and hopped a steamship to Sweden. Hmm. This steak is excellent, by the way.
Mrs. Armstrong: More potatoes?
Kramer: Yeah, sure. Please.
Mr. Armstrong: Yes, yes. Go on. You hopped a steamship to Sweden?
Kramer: Yeah. And, it was a big one.

Elaine: Well, did he say that?
Mr. West: No, no, but he gave me the seats. And I don't think he'd like it if you wore an Orioles cap.
Elaine: Yeah, well, maybe you should ask him!
Mr. West: I don't have to ask him! Now are you gonna take the hat off or not?
Elaine: No! I don't have to take it off, why should I take it off? This is ridiculous!
George: Just take the cap off.
Elaine: George, I am at a baseball game! This is America!
Mr. West: Look. Either you take the cap off, or you'll have to leave.
Elaine: Well, I don't care, I'm not taking it off.

George: Button fly! Why do they put buttons on a fly? It takes ten minutes to get these things open!
Jerry: I like the button fly.
George: What?
Jerry: That is one place on my wardrobe I do not need sharp interlocking metal teeth. It's like a mink trap down there.
George: I'm gonna develop kidney problems.

Kramer: Are you getting the eyes? 'cause they're brown. Or, really, they're dark brown, like rich, Colombian coffee.

Elaine: I could've been at my boss' son's bris right now.
George: That's what you were supposed to do that?
Elaine: [shrugs] Yeah. What makes you think anyone would want to go to a circumcision?
George: I'd rather go to a hanging.
Elaine: Is it that unattractive they have to take it off?
George: Have you ever seen one with it?
Elaine: No.
George: You wouldn't even know what it was.
Elaine: Anyway, I called him back... I told him I had to go visit my father in the hospital in Maryland.

Elaine: Hi, Mr. Lippman.
Mr. Lippman: How's your father?
Elaine: My, my father?
Mr. Lippman: Yeah. You, you went to see him, right?
Elaine: Yeah.
Mr. Lippman: Uh-huh.
Elaine: I went to visit him.
Mr. Lippman: Uh-huh. So, what was wrong with him?
Elaine: Well, you name it, uh, neuritis, uh, neuralgia...

Mr. Lippman: But- But he's feeling better now?
Elaine: Um, yup. Yes, yes, it just... such a miracle, um. My visit must have buoyed ["boyed"] his spirits.
Mr. Lippman: Boo-eed.
Elaine: What- What did I say?
Mr. Lippman: You said "boyed."
Elaine: I did?
Mr. Lippman: Yeah.
[As Elaine and Mr. Lippman laugh, Elaine casually takes the sports section of the paper off his desk]