[stand-up:]
Jerry: Every time somebody recommends a doctor, he's always the best. "Oh, is he good?" "Oh, he's the best. This guy's the best." They can't all be the best. There can't be this many bests. Someone's graduating at the bottom of these classes. Where are these doctors? Is somewhere, someone saying to their friend, "You should see my doctor, he's the worst. Oh yeah, he's the worst, he's the absolute worst there is. Whatever you've got, it'll be worse after you see him. He's just, he's a butcher. The man's a butcher." And then there's always that, "Make sure that you tell him that, you know, you know me." Why? What's the difference? He's a doctor. What is it, "Oh, you know Bob! Okay, I'll give you the real medicine. Everybody else, I'm giving Tic-Tacs."

[stand-up:]
Jerry: What causes homophobia? What is it that makes a heterosexual man worry? I think it's because men know that deep down we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, "Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store, thinking it's a shoe store, and the salesman goes, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around the store a little bit, see how you feel. No obligation, no pressure, just try it. Would you like to see him in a sandal?'"

George: I think it moved.
Jerry: Moved?
George: It may have moved, I don't know.
Jerry: I'm sure it didn't move.
George: It moved! It was imperceptible, but I felt it.
Jerry: Maybe it just wanted to change positions? You know... Shift to the other side.
George: No, no. It wasn't a shift, I've shifted. This was a move.
Jerry: Okay, so what if it moved?
George: That's the sign! The test! If a man makes it move.
Jerry: That's not the test. Contact is the test, if it moves as a result of contact.
George: You think it's contact? It has to be touched?
Jerry: That's what a gym teacher once told me.

Kramer: I just saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Donuts. You know, I looked in there and there he was having coffee and a donut.
Jerry: Joe DiMaggio? In Dinky Donuts?
Kramer: Yeah. Joe DiMaggio.
Jerry: I'm sorry, if Joe DiMaggio wants a donut he goes to a fancy restaurant or a hotel. He's not sitting in Dinky Donuts.
Kramer: Well, maybe he likes Dinky Donuts.
George: I don't even like to sit next to a man on an airplane 'cause our knees might touch.
Jerry: I can't see Joe DiMaggio sitting at the counter in little tiny filthy smelly Dinky Donuts.
Kramer: Why can't Joe DiMaggio have a donut like everyone else?
Jerry: He can have a donut, but not at Dinky.
George: I don't even like to use urinals, I've always been a stall man.
Kramer: Look, I'm telling- [does a double take and looks at George] I'm telling you, that was Joe DiMaggio.
George: The guy slept with Marilyn Monroe, he's in Dinky Donuts?

Kramer: Hey, I saw DiMaggio in the donut shop again.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
Elaine: Joe DiMaggio?
Kramer: Joe DiMaggio, you know this time I went in and sat down across from him and I really watched him. I studied his every move. For example, he dunks.
Elaine: Joe DiMaggio dunks his donut?
Kramer: That's right.
Jerry: See, now I know it's not him. Joe DiMaggio could not be a dunker.
Kramer: Oh, he's a dunker.
Elaine: Why couldn't he be a dunker?
Kramer: And nothing diverts his attention. Like, I'm uh... You know, like I'm sitting in there, you know. And I start banging on the table, you know, to uh, so that he'll look up. You know, like, I'm sitting there, you know, [bangs] and ... And he wouldn't move. So then I start doing these yelping noises. Like, [high-pitched yelping noises]. No reaction because the guy is so focused, you see, he can just block out anything that's going on around him. See, that's how he played baseball. He dunks like he hits.
Elaine: So then what?
Kramer: Well, then the waitress, she comes up and she tells me to shut up or they're gonna throw me out.
Elaine: Why didn't you just call out his name?

George: I can't get a massage from a man.
Elaine: Why not?
George: What, are you crazy? I can't have a man touching me. Switch with me.
Elaine: No, I don't want the man either.
George: What's the difference? You're a woman. They're supposed to be touching you.
Elaine: He'd just be touching your back.
George: He'd just be touching your back too.
Elaine: No, it could get sexual.
George: I know. That's the point. If it's gonna get sexual, it should get sexual with you.
Elaine: I wouldn't be comfortable.
George: I would? What if something happens?
Elaine: What could happen?
George: What if it felt good?
Elaine: It's supposed to feel good.
George: I don't want it to feel good.
Elaine: Then why get the massage?
George: Exactly!

Raymond: How did you hurt this?
George: I don't know.
Raymond: You don't know?
George: No.
Raymond: But you just told me-
George: Korea.
Raymond: You hurt it in Korea?
George: What?
Raymond: The hamstring.
George: Korea.
Raymond: How?
George: Hamstring.
Raymond: How did you hurt the hamstring?
George: Hotel.

Elaine: Well, I mean it's only six months probation, it's a slap on the wrist.
Jerry: Yeah, I still don't see any dinner invitations forthcoming.
George: Men have been popping into my sexual fantasies. All of a sudden, I'll be in the middle.
Elaine: Of what? Oh.
George: And a guy will appear from out of nowhere. I say "Get out of here! What do you want? You don't belong here!"
Elaine: What do they do?
George: They talk back. They go, "Hey George, how's it going?" I say, "Get the hell out of here!"

Julianna: And usually for lunch I'll have a salad, and for dinner, I eat whatever I want.
Jerry: What do you think the worst part of being blind is?
Julianna: Excuse me?
Jerry: You know, if you were blind what do you think the worst part of it would be?
Julianna: I don't know.
Jerry: I think it would be not being able to tell if there was bugs in my food. How could you ever enjoy a meal like that? I'd constantly be feeling around with my lips and my tongue.
Julianna: Well, that's how my five-year old eats. He's a very picky eater.

Jerry: You hear about that kid that was kidnapped the other day in Pennsylvania?
Julianna: No.
Jerry: He was at a carnival with his mother. She goes to get a hot dog. Next thing you know she turns around, boom, he's gone.
Julianna: Oh.
Jerry: Imagine how sick a person has to be to do something like that. And these people are all over the place. You never know who's crazy, I could be one of these people.
Julianna: [visibly uncomfortable] Have you seen any good movies?
Jerry: Who takes care of your boy during the day?
Julianna: We have a woman. Why?
Jerry: No, no. I'm just saying.
Julianna: She had references.
Jerry: I'm sure she did, I'm sure they're impeccable. I'm talking about the ones that forge them. You know, I think this is really helping.
Julianna: I don't live near here, you know!