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‘The Note’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Note

301. The Note

Aired September 18, 1991

Jerry, George and Elaine get a doctor's note from a dentist to visit a physiotherapist. Meanwhile, Kramer is convinced he saw Joe DiMaggio at a donut shop.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Every time somebody recommends a doctor, he's always the best. "Oh, is he good?" "Oh, he's the best. This guy's the best." They can't all be the best. There can't be this many bests. Someone's graduating at the bottom of these classes. Where are these doctors? Is somewhere, someone saying to their friend, "You should see my doctor, he's the worst. Oh yeah, he's the worst, he's the absolute worst there is. Whatever you've got, it'll be worse after you see him. He's just, he's a butcher. The man's a butcher." And then there's always that, "Make sure that you tell him that, you know, you know me." Why? What's the difference? He's a doctor. What is it, "Oh, you know Bob! Okay, I'll give you the real medicine. Everybody else, I'm giving Tic-Tacs."

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: What causes homophobia? What is it that makes a heterosexual man worry? I think it's because men know that deep down we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, "Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store, thinking it's a shoe store, and the salesman goes, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around the store a little bit, see how you feel. No obligation, no pressure, just try it. Would you like to see him in a sandal?'"

Quote from George

George: I think it moved.
Jerry: Moved?
George: It may have moved, I don't know.
Jerry: I'm sure it didn't move.
George: It moved! It was imperceptible, but I felt it.
Jerry: Maybe it just wanted to change positions? You know... Shift to the other side.
George: No, no. It wasn't a shift, I've shifted. This was a move.
Jerry: Okay, so what if it moved?
George: That's the sign! The test! If a man makes it move.
Jerry: That's not the test. Contact is the test, if it moves as a result of contact.
George: You think it's contact? It has to be touched?
Jerry: That's what a gym teacher once told me.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: I just saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Donuts. You know, I looked in there and there he was having coffee and a donut.
Jerry: Joe DiMaggio? In Dinky Donuts?
Kramer: Yeah. Joe DiMaggio.
Jerry: I'm sorry, if Joe DiMaggio wants a donut he goes to a fancy restaurant or a hotel. He's not sitting in Dinky Donuts.
Kramer: Well, maybe he likes Dinky Donuts.
George: I don't even like to sit next to a man on an airplane 'cause our knees might touch.
Jerry: I can't see Joe DiMaggio sitting at the counter in little tiny filthy smelly Dinky Donuts.
Kramer: Why can't Joe DiMaggio have a donut like everyone else?
Jerry: He can have a donut, but not at Dinky.
George: I don't even like to use urinals, I've always been a stall man.
Kramer: Look, I'm telling- [does a double take and looks at George] I'm telling you, that was Joe DiMaggio.
George: The guy slept with Marilyn Monroe, he's in Dinky Donuts?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, I saw DiMaggio in the donut shop again.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
Elaine: Joe DiMaggio?
Kramer: Joe DiMaggio, you know this time I went in and sat down across from him and I really watched him. I studied his every move. For example, he dunks.
Elaine: Joe DiMaggio dunks his donut?
Kramer: That's right.
Jerry: See, now I know it's not him. Joe DiMaggio could not be a dunker.
Kramer: Oh, he's a dunker.
Elaine: Why couldn't he be a dunker?
Kramer: And nothing diverts his attention. Like, I'm uh... You know, like I'm sitting in there, you know. And I start banging on the table, you know, to uh, so that he'll look up. You know, like, I'm sitting there, you know, [bangs] and ... And he wouldn't move. So then I start doing these yelping noises. Like, [high-pitched yelping noises]. No reaction because the guy is so focused, you see, he can just block out anything that's going on around him. See, that's how he played baseball. He dunks like he hits.
Elaine: So then what?
Kramer: Well, then the waitress, she comes up and she tells me to shut up or they're gonna throw me out.
Elaine: Why didn't you just call out his name?

Quote from George

George: I can't get a massage from a man.
Elaine: Why not?
George: What, are you crazy? I can't have a man touching me. Switch with me.
Elaine: No, I don't want the man either.
George: What's the difference? You're a woman. They're supposed to be touching you.
Elaine: He'd just be touching your back.
George: He'd just be touching your back too.
Elaine: No, it could get sexual.
George: I know. That's the point. If it's gonna get sexual, it should get sexual with you.
Elaine: I wouldn't be comfortable.
George: I would? What if something happens?
Elaine: What could happen?
George: What if it felt good?
Elaine: It's supposed to feel good.
George: I don't want it to feel good.
Elaine: Then why get the massage?
George: Exactly!

Quote from George

Raymond: How did you hurt this?
George: I don't know.
Raymond: You don't know?
George: No.
Raymond: But you just told me-
George: Korea.
Raymond: You hurt it in Korea?
George: What?
Raymond: The hamstring.
George: Korea.
Raymond: How?
George: Hamstring.
Raymond: How did you hurt the hamstring?
George: Hotel.

Quote from George

Elaine: Well, I mean it's only six months probation, it's a slap on the wrist.
Jerry: Yeah, I still don't see any dinner invitations forthcoming.
George: Men have been popping into my sexual fantasies. All of a sudden, I'll be in the middle.
Elaine: Of what? Oh.
George: And a guy will appear from out of nowhere. I say "Get out of here! What do you want? You don't belong here!"
Elaine: What do they do?
George: They talk back. They go, "Hey George, how's it going?" I say, "Get the hell out of here!"

Quote from Jerry

Julianna: And usually for lunch I'll have a salad, and for dinner, I eat whatever I want.
Jerry: What do you think the worst part of being blind is?
Julianna: Excuse me?
Jerry: You know, if you were blind what do you think the worst part of it would be?
Julianna: I don't know.
Jerry: I think it would be not being able to tell if there was bugs in my food. How could you ever enjoy a meal like that? I'd constantly be feeling around with my lips and my tongue.
Julianna: Well, that's how my five-year old eats. He's a very picky eater.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: You hear about that kid that was kidnapped the other day in Pennsylvania?
Julianna: No.
Jerry: He was at a carnival with his mother. She goes to get a hot dog. Next thing you know she turns around, boom, he's gone.
Julianna: Oh.
Jerry: Imagine how sick a person has to be to do something like that. And these people are all over the place. You never know who's crazy, I could be one of these people.
Julianna: [visibly uncomfortable] Have you seen any good movies?
Jerry: Who takes care of your boy during the day?
Julianna: We have a woman. Why?
Jerry: No, no. I'm just saying.
Julianna: She had references.
Jerry: I'm sure she did, I'm sure they're impeccable. I'm talking about the ones that forge them. You know, I think this is really helping.
Julianna: I don't live near here, you know!

Quote from George

Jerry: So she's giving me the massage and I'm just making conversation.
Elaine: I don't like to talk during a massage.
Jerry: Neither do I, but I do it for them. I figure they're bored.
George: Yeah, I do that too. I feel guilty about getting the pleasure. I feel like I don't deserve it so I talk. It stops me from enjoying it. There's nothing to eat in here.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: [gasps] Oh! I forgot to tell you-
Jerry: I'm in the middle of a story.
Elaine: Okay, go ahead.
George: Why don't you ever go shopping?
Jerry: Not like it's a really funny story or anything.
Elaine: What happened?
Jerry: Well, so she mentioned that she had a son, and the for some reason I launch into the story about the kid from Pennsylvania who was abducted.
Elaine: Oh, wasn't that terrible?
Jerry: Yes, it was.
George: Not even an apple.
Elaine: She doesn't want to hear that. That was stupid.
Jerry: I know it was stupid.
Elaine: Really stupid.
Jerry: Hey, I just said it was stupid.

Quote from George

Elaine: I can't believe you said that.
Jerry: Hey, would you stop it already?
Elaine: So, what did she say?
Jerry: I don't know, she actually seemed to get a little paranoid.
George: This is terrible. What is this, ginger? I hate ginger. I can't understand how anyone can eat ginger.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: I have a good masseuse you could go to.
Jerry: Nah, she's really good and she's not just a masseuse, she's a physical therapist. There's a big difference. She uses the ultrasound, it's a real medical procedure. In fact, if you get a doctor's note, it's covered by insurance.
George: Physical therapy is covered by insurance?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: You don't have to pay for the massage?
Jerry: Not if you have a doctor's note.
Elaine: So where do you get this note?
Jerry: Well, I've never actually done it but if I really wanted to I could probably get one from my friend Roy, the dentist.
George: Right, your friend Roy.
Elaine: What's the name of this physical therapist?
Jerry: I'll tell you, but don't ask her anything about her kid, she's a little off.
George: And you don't have to pay.

Quote from George

Raymond: So what do you do?
George: What?
Raymond: I said, "What do you do?".
George: I don't know.
Raymond: You don't know what you do?
George: Nah.
Raymond: Oh, come on. Hey, you're very tense.
George: Coffee. Too much coffee.

Quote from George

Jerry: What's with you?
George: A...
Jerry: Yes, A...?
George: A man gave me...
Jerry: Yes, a man gave you...?
George: A man gave me... a massage.
Jerry: So?
George: So he... had his hands and, uh, he was...
Jerry: He was what?!
George: He was... touching and rubbing.
Jerry: That's a massage.

Quote from George

George: What about this doctor's note? Let's go see your friend Roy.
Jerry: I never said I'd do that.
George: What are you talking about, that's seventy-five bucks! I'm not working, I can't afford that.
Jerry: I don't know how I feel about it.
George: Oh, what are you, like, a Quaker now?
Jerry: All right, all right.
Kramer: A stall man, huh?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: So we were just kinda wondering if it was possible for you to write us a note, and if you can't, believe me, it's fine.
George: He didn't say he can't.
Jerry: I mean, if you feel funny about it at all.
George: He doesn't feel funny.
Jerry: If he does.
George: Do you feel funny? He didn't say anything.
Jerry: He feels funny. You don't have to do this.
George: He knows that!
Jerry: Roy, should we go? Is this a breach of our friendship?
George: Oh, can you be any more dramatic?

Quote from George

Roy: [notices George looking at a poster on the wall] Holyfield. He's a good friend of one of my patients. He's got a hell of a body, doesn't he?
George: How would I know?
Roy: Do you like him?
George: What do you mean, like him?
Roy: Do you like him?
George: I mean, he's a good fighter and a nice guy but I don't like him.
Roy: How come you don't like him?
George: Why should I?
Jerry: What is the matter with you?
George: Nothing, why? You think something's wrong? Am I different?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I can't believe this, I make one innocent comment about some lunatic in Pennsylvania and I'm cut off. This woman is insane. [looks at Elaine] What's with you?
Elaine: What?
Jerry: Well, you were too close to me, I was all scrunched in there.
Elaine: Hey, you scrunched me. I sat down here first.

Quote from George

Jerry: What happened to you?
George: One of those kids called me a Mary.
Elaine: A what?
George: I was jumping over a puddle and for some reason I went like this. [George stretches his arms out in a ballet motion] They called me a Mary. So I chased them, and I tripped and I fell.
Kramer: Yeah, you know kids, they can be very perceptive.
Elaine: Hey, George? What is this? [Elaine mimics George's motion] What is that? No really, what is that?

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: He's got a house, a family, they could take away his license. You should have heard him. Three notes, how stupid was that? We never should have got three notes.
Elaine: Three notes?
Jerry: Yeah, you, me and George.
Elaine: You got me a note?
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: But I got my own note.
Jerry: You what?
Elaine: I got a note from my gynecologist.
Jerry: Why'd you do that?
Elaine: I didn't know you were getting me a note.
Jerry: Of course I was getting you a note.
Elaine: But you didn't say anything.
Jerry: Neither did you. That's how he got caught. We sent in four notes from two doctors.
Kramer: How can you do that to your friend? He's got a wife, kids, and a lot of other stuff. Oh, yeah. [exits]

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I don't even know what to say.
George: Me neither.
Jerry: I knew this would happen.
George: Me too.
Jerry: I mean the whole thing, it's just...
George: Tragic.
Jerry: Well, it's not tragic.
George: No?
Jerry: No, it's...
George: Unsettling?
Jerry: Okay.

Quote from Jerry

Pam: [enters] I hope you're both happy. [exits]
Jerry: I'm not happy.
George: Me neither. I've never been happy.
Jerry: I mean I'm happy sometimes, but not now.
George: In college, maybe. Those were fun times.
Jerry: Yeah, college was fun.
Pam: [returns] You know the whole practice is in jeopardy, you know that?
Roy: Don't mind her.
Jerry: Oh please, I love her.
George: I've just met her but I'm very impressed.

Quote from George

Roy: I can't understand, I've never had a problem with these notes before.
Jerry: What's the next move, what's gonna happen now?
Roy: Well, nothing really, as long as we get the physical therapist to go along with our story.
Jerry: What? The physical therapist? Why?
Roy: She just has to say the complaint was related to a dental problem.
[The patient in the chair wakes up and looks at Jerry and George]
George: How you doing?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Hi. Look, I know I don't have an appointment but it's really important that I talk with Julianna.
Receptionist: I'm sorry, Mr. Seinfeld, she's not in.
Jerry: Yeah, I know she's mad at me but I really have to speak with her.
Receptionist: I told you, she's not here.
Jerry: You don't understand.
Receptionist: Look, you have to leave.
Jerry: Wait a second, don't you- [Julianna walks by with her child] Hi. Hi. Look, I don't know what you--
Julianna: Please!
Jerry: But, you see- Let me just talk to you for a second, see, what I did is inadvertently sent an insurance--
Julianna: I treated you, so please, just get out of the office!
Jerry: Can't you just listen to me?
Julianna: Run Billy! Run to the office and close the door! [to the receptionist] Call the police!

Quote from George

Jerry: Oh, my God, it's...
George: Joe DiMaggio.
Kramer: Where?
Jerry: Having a cup of coffee.
Elaine: He's dunking!
Jerry: Wow. Look at him. The Yankee Clipper. Here.
George: You see? Now, that is a handsome man. [off Elaine and Jerry's look] Oh, please.
Kramer: Wait, wait. [bangs table] Yip! Yip! See? I told you.


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