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‘The Raincoats’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Raincoats

518. The Raincoats

Aired April 28, 1994

Jerry is struggling get a moment alone with his girlfriend because his parents are in town. After Kramer and Morty go into business together selling old raincoats, George decides to try sell his father's unused clothing. Meanwhile, Elaine dates a "close-talker", Aaron (guest star Judge Reinhold), who seems more interested in spending time with Helen and Morty Seinfeld.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Personal distance is a very important thing. There's a new personal distance, ATM distance. When someone's using an ATM, you wanna be about six feet back, don't you? Because people a little edgy around that ATM don't they? They got their money out, their eyes are darting all around. The other place I wanna be about six feet away is a urinal. You want some distance there, too. ATMs and urinals. I guess whenever someone's taking valuable out of their pants you want to give them as much room as possible.

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I really feel as human beings, we need more training in our basic social skills. Conversational Distance. Don't you hate these people that talk to you they talk into your mouth like you're a clown at a drive-through? And hand shakes is the worst. There's absolutely no guidelines for hand shakes. You know these people? Too strong, too weak. Sometimes they give you the three-quarter handshake just the fingers. Early release, late release. Sometimes people will dispute your release. You let go, they're hanging on. I have actually said to people, "Hey the handshake is over!" Too many pumps, coming in too high, too sweaty, from too far away. Sometimes a guy will give you a strong grip, late release, and pull you in for the too close conversation. To him I say, "That's three strikes you're out."

Quote from George

George: What about her place?
Jerry: She lives with her parents.
George: Really? Maybe this will become like a cool thing. Living with your parents.
Jerry: Yeah, then maybe baldness will catch on. This will all be turning your way.
George: Hey, believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they're gonna relate to? Who do you think is going to be the first ones getting a tour of the ship?
Jerry: The baldies.

Quote from Frank Costanza

Estelle Costanza: Georgie, what were you doing poking around the attic last night?
George: I-I wasn't in the attic.
Estelle Costanza: I heard noise.
George: Maybe it was a mouse.
Frank Costanza: [jumps to his feet] Okay, that's it! We're moving!
George: What?
Frank Costanza: I will not tolerate infestation.
George: You haven't even seen one.
Frank Costanza: Don't you understand? The very thought, the very idea, I'll never be comfortable again.
Estelle Costanza: All right, Frank, that's enough.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: What? What did I do?
Helen Seinfeld: How could you?
Jerry: How could I what?
Helen Seinfeld: You were making out during Schindler's List?
Jerry: What? No.
Morty Seinfeld: Don't lie, Jerry.
Jerry: Newman!
Helen Seinfeld: How could you do such a thing?
Jerry: I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone together in a long time. And we just kinda started up a little during the coming attractions and the next thing we knew, the war was over.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Oh, you should have gone to the Costanzas for dinner. Mmm the paella was magnificent. Have you ever had really good paella?
Morty Seinfeld: Not really.
Kramer: Oh, it's a orgiastic feast for the senses. A wanton festival of sights, sounds, and colors and mmm...

Quote from George

Jerry: Hey, I gotta stop off at the bookstore to pick up my parents one of those French-English dictionaries.
George: [stops Jerry] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Jerry: What?
George: Your parents are going to Paris right?
Jerry: Yeah?
George: So I tell Alec that I have to go to Paris for an undetermined amount of time. Then all I have to do is buy some post cards and have your parents mail them from Paris.
Jerry: What about little Joey?
George: Who?
Jerry: Ah, I think he's probably better off.

Quote from George

George: I'm trying to get out of this Big Brother program. So when you get to Paris, all you have to do is drop them in any mailbox.
Morty Seinfeld: But there are no stamps on these.
George: Well, no, not yet. You gotta buy French stamps. I'll reimburse you of course.
Helen Seinfeld: Why are you doing this?
Jerry: He wants this guy to think he's in Paris.
Helen Seinfeld: Why?
Jerry: Because George is a deeply disturbed individual.

Quote from Helen Seinfeld

Jerry: So what plans do you have?
Morty Seinfeld: None.
Jerry: So how come you're not going over there for dinner?
Helen Seinfeld: Jerry, we don't care much for the Costanzas.
Morty Seinfeld: We can't stand them.
Jerry: Really? Since when?
Helen Seinfeld: Since always. We've never liked them.
Jerry: Why?
Helen Seinfeld: Well, they're so loud. They're always fighting. It's uncomfortable, you never notice?
Jerry: No, I notice. But they're from your age group. I didn't know you could detect abnormal behavior among your own kind.
Morty Seinfeld: Well, we do.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: It's Elaine. You don't have a problem with her do you?
Helen Seinfeld: We adore Elaine.
Jerry: She wants to say hi. She's with her new boyfriend.
Helen Seinfeld: What's he like?
Jerry: He's nice. Bit of a close talker.
Helen Seinfeld: A what?
Jerry: You'll see.

Quote from Frank Costanza

Frank Costanza: They're not coming?
George: No, they had plans.
Estelle Costanza: How could they have plans?
George: That's what I wanna know.
Frank Costanza: Well what difference does it make? They wouldn't lie to us, they're our dear friends.
Estelle Costanza: What am I supposed to do with all this paella?
George: They said tomorrow, maybe.
Frank Costanza: Maybe?
Estelle Costanza: Maybe they don't like us.
Frank Costanza: Why wouldn't they like us? [tastes the paella, chokes] Again with the pepper? What do you gotta use all the pepper for?
Estelle Costanza: Ah, keep quiet.
Frank Costanza: What, are you trying to set my mouth on fire?
George: I don't know what the reason could be.

Quote from George

George: Anyway, it's kind of a fluke thing but... Uh, I'll be leaving for Paris in two days. I will send you a postcard when I get there.
Alec: Paris, huh?
George: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, now I feel terrible about it, Joey, but it's just- It's a great business opportunity. I-I don't even know how long I'm gonna be away for.
Alec: Where will you stay?
George: An apartment complex. The, uh... The Eiffel Towers. Um... Like I said, you'll be getting a postcard in a few days and again I'm sorry.
Alec: George, you have no idea how fantastic this is.
George: Fantastic?
Alec: Yeah. We've been trying to reunite Joey with his father who lives in Paris. But he's afraid to fly alone. You know, he's kinda withdrawn. But he seems to take to you. So it's a perfect solution.
George: Gee, what a coincidence.
Alec: And you'll send me a postcard.

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Kramer: So how did you come up with the idea for the belt-less trench coat?
Morty Seinfeld: I came home one night, and I tripped over one of Jerry's toys. So I took out my belt just to threaten him, and I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
Kramer: How serendipitous.
Morty Seinfeld: So that night, I cut off the loops and the Executive was born.
Kramer: Mmm.
Jerry: He also came up with an idea for a brimless rain-hat but that never materialized.

Quote from George

George: [enters] Aah... [looks around for Jerry] Aah... [spots Jerry] Ah-ha. They had plans, huh? They were busy. They were busy with their big plans!
Jerry: What are you talking about?
George: Mom and Pop Seinfeld
Jerry: Look, I don't know.
George: All right, I happen to know what they did last night. They had dinner with Kramer.
Jerry: Oh, they were tired it was a last minute thing.
George: So what's the deal they don't want to have dinner with my parents?
Jerry: That's right.
George: Is there something wrong with my parents?
Jerry: Absolutely.
George: Because my parents happen to be two pretty wonderful people.
Jerry: These are the same people you currently live with?
George: Yes.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
George: So are they coming tonight or not?
Jerry: Look, I really don't know what they're plans are.
George: Okay, fine. It's going to be very interesting, very interesting if they don't show up tonight. You know, my mother made all this paella.
Jerry: What is that anyway?
George: It's a Spanish dish. It's a melange of fish and meat with rice. Very tasty.

Quote from George

George: Hey could you do one other thing for me?
Jerry: Name it.
George: You think your parents would have any objections to taking a little kid to Paris with them? It turns out that the kid's father lives in Paris. [chuckling] Is that a coincidence? And, you know, Alec wants me to take him over there so I figure as long as they're going...
Jerry: So you thought as long as they're mailing postcards, it wouldn't be too much to ask my parents to drag a child who they've never seen, through the streets of Paris?
George: ... All right, if you think it's too much, they don't have to mail the postcards.

Quote from Helen Seinfeld

Morty Seinfeld: Boy, that was some show.
Jerry: What show?
Morty Seinfeld: "My Fair Lady".
Jerry: When did you get tickets to see that?
Helen Seinfeld: Aaron surprised us, and Elaine came.
Jerry: Oh, Elaine, really? Well, that sounds interesting.
Morty Seinfeld: We saw Regis Philbin get out of a limousine.
Jerry: Oh.
Helen Seinfeld: He looks better on TV.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I'm not crazy about used clothes. I mean, they call it vintage, you know to take your mind off of what it really is, nasty-wear. Oh, it's clean, you know. People wear underwear. Yeah, well they don't wear iron underwear and that's what it's gonna take to get me in those clothes. I mean, I'll move into an apartment after a strange person moves out. Why would I wanna move into somebody's pants? There is no vintage underwear, of course. But it's not because the guy couldn't sell his underwear, it's because men wear their underwear until it absolutely disintegrates. Men hang on to underwear until... until each individual underwear molecule is so strained it can barely retain the properties of a solid. It actually becomes underwear vapor. W- We don't even throw it out, we just open a window and it goes out like dandelion spoors. That's how men throw out underwear we just go... [blows] and it's gone. That's it. It's just...

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: No, I know they're your parents, Jerry, and they're very nice people. But don't you think it's odd, that a thirty-five-year-old man is going to these lengths to see that someone else's parents are enjoying themselves? I mean don't you find that abnormal?
Jerry: It is a tad askew.
Elaine: I mean, they're your parents and you don't do anything. So why is this stranger doing it?
Jerry: I've hardly been out to dinner with them.
Elaine: See? See? I can't even say anything you know because all he's really doing is being nice. But- But nobody is this nice. This is, like, certifiably nice.
Jerry: You're right. He's insane.
Elaine: Yes, he's insane. That's what I think.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: So, how was the movie?
Jerry: Uh, from what I saw it was pretty good.
Elaine: Yeah. What do you mean from what you saw?
Jerry: Well I, um... I didn't, uh, actually get to see the whole movie.
Elaine: Yeah, why not?
Jerry: I was kind of making out.
Elaine: You were making out during Schindler's List?
Jerry: I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone in a long time. It just got the better of me.
Elaine: During Schindler's List?
Jerry: We're both living with our parents.
Elaine: Did anybody see you? Did anyone say anything?
Jerry: No, I don't think so. I saw Newman as I was leaving, but he didn't say anything.

Quote from Newman

Newman: Hello, Mrs. Seinfeld.
Helen Seinfeld: [like Jerry] Hello, Newman. Jerry's not here. [goes to close the door]
Newman: Uh... [walks in] Having a nice trip? [grabs a junior mint and pockets it]
Helen Seinfeld: Wonderful. We went to the theater last night.
Newman: Oh, the theater. Because I was wondering...
Helen Seinfeld: Wondering what?
Newman: Why I didn't see you at Schindler's List with Jerry.
Helen Seinfeld: Well we already saw it.
Newman: Oh, well, it's a good thing for Jerry that you didn't go.
Morty Seinfeld: Why is that?
Newman: Well, he really seemed to have his hands full if you know what I mean.
Helen Seinfeld: I'm afraid I don't.
Newman: Him and his buxom little friend Rachel were going at it pretty good in the balcony.
Morty Seinfeld: What?
Newman: What, do I have to spell it out for yeah? He was moving on her like the storm-troopers into Poland.
Helen Seinfeld: Jerry was necking during Schindler's List?
Newman: Yes! And a more offensive spectacle I cannot recall. Anyway I just really came up to get some detergent.
Helen Seinfeld: Jerry sends his laundry out.
Newman: [laughing] Oh, right. Well, it was very nice seeing you folks. And, by the way, you didn't hear this from me. Ta-ta.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Aaron? Aaron, are you ok?
Aaron: I could've done more. I could've done so much more.
Elaine: You did enough.
Aaron: No, I could've called the travel agency, got them on another flight to Paris, I could have got them out.
Jerry: You tried, Aaron, it was too expensive.
Aaron: This watch... This watch could've paid for their whole trip. This ring. This ring is one more dinner I could've taken them out to. Water. They need some water. [runs towards the gate]
Elaine: Why?
Aaron: [to the agent] They'll get dehydrated on the plane! Get the Seinfelds some water. Please! Please!


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