[stand-up:]
Jerry: Personal distance is a very important thing. There's a new personal distance, ATM distance. When someone's using an ATM, you wanna be about six feet back, don't you? Because people get a little edgy around that ATM, don't they? They got their money out, their eyes are darting all around. The other place I wanna be about six feet away is a urinal. You want some distance there, too. ATMs and urinals. I guess whenever someone's taking valuables out of their pants, you want to give them as much room as possible.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I really feel as human beings, we need more training in our basic social skills. Conversational Distance. Don't you hate these people that talk to you they talk into your mouth like you're a clown at a drive-through? And hand shakes is the worst. There's absolutely no guidelines for hand shakes. You know these people? Too strong, too weak. Sometimes they give you the three-quarter handshake just the fingers. Early release, late release. Sometimes people will dispute your release. You let go, they're hanging on. I have actually said to people, "Hey the handshake is over!" Too many pumps, coming in too high, too sweaty, from too far away. Sometimes a guy will give you a strong grip, late release, and pull you in for the too close conversation. To him I say, "That's three strikes you're out."

George: What about her place?
Jerry: She lives with her parents.
George: Really? Maybe this will become like a cool thing. Living with your parents.
Jerry: Yeah, then maybe baldness will catch on. This will all be turning your way.
George: Hey, believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they're gonna relate to? Who do you think is going to be the first ones getting a tour of the ship?
Jerry: The baldies.

Estelle Costanza: Georgie, what were you doing poking around the attic last night?
George: I-I wasn't in the attic.
Estelle Costanza: I heard noise.
George: Maybe it was a mouse.
Frank Costanza: [jumps to his feet] Okay, that's it! We're moving!
George: What?
Frank Costanza: I will not tolerate infestation.
George: You haven't even seen one.
Frank Costanza: Don't you understand? The very thought, the very idea, I'll never be comfortable again.
Estelle Costanza: All right, Frank, that's enough.

Jerry: What? What did I do?
Helen Seinfeld: How could you?
Jerry: How could I what?
Helen Seinfeld: You were making out during Schindler's List?
Jerry: What? No.
Morty Seinfeld: Don't lie, Jerry.
Jerry: Newman!
Helen Seinfeld: How could you do such a thing?
Jerry: I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone together in a long time. And we just kinda started up a little during the coming attractions and the next thing we knew, the war was over.

Kramer: Oh, you should have gone to the Costanzas for dinner. Mmm the paella was magnificent. Have you ever had really good paella?
Morty Seinfeld: Not really.
Kramer: Oh, it's a orgiastic feast for the senses. A wanton festival of sights, sounds, and colors and mmm...

Jerry: Hey, I gotta stop off at the bookstore to pick up my parents one of those French-English dictionaries.
George: [stops Jerry] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Jerry: What?
George: Your parents are going to Paris right?
Jerry: Yeah?
George: So I tell Alec that I have to go to Paris for an undetermined amount of time. Then all I have to do is buy some post cards and have your parents mail them from Paris.
Jerry: What about little Joey?
George: Who?
Jerry: Ah, I think he's probably better off.

George: I'm trying to get out of this Big Brother program. So when you get to Paris, all you have to do is drop them in any mailbox.
Morty Seinfeld: But there are no stamps on these.
George: Well, no, not yet. You gotta buy French stamps. I'll reimburse you of course.
Helen Seinfeld: Why are you doing this?
Jerry: He wants this guy to think he's in Paris.
Helen Seinfeld: Why?
Jerry: Because George is a deeply disturbed individual.

Jerry: So what plans do you have?
Morty Seinfeld: None.
Jerry: So how come you're not going over there for dinner?
Helen Seinfeld: Jerry, we don't care much for the Costanzas.
Morty Seinfeld: We can't stand them.
Jerry: Really? Since when?
Helen Seinfeld: Since always. We've never liked them.
Jerry: Why?
Helen Seinfeld: Well, they're so loud. They're always fighting. It's uncomfortable, you never notice?
Jerry: No, I notice. But they're from your age group. I didn't know you could detect abnormal behavior among your own kind.
Morty Seinfeld: Well, we do.

Jerry: It's Elaine. You don't have a problem with her do you?
Helen Seinfeld: We adore Elaine.
Jerry: She wants to say hi. She's with her new boyfriend.
Helen Seinfeld: What's he like?
Jerry: He's nice. Bit of a close talker.
Helen Seinfeld: A what?
Jerry: You'll see.