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‘The Fusilli Jerry’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Fusilli Jerry

621. The Fusilli Jerry

Aired April 27, 1995

Jerry is angry when Elaine's mechanic boyfriend, David Puddy, steals one of his "moves". Meanwhile, Estelle Costanza gets her eyes done, and Kramer makes a miniature Jerry out of fusilli pasta.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Yeah, I'm here to pick up my new plates. My name is Kramer. Cosmo Kramer.
Clerk: Kramer. [checks computer] All right.
Kramer: All righty.
Clerk: Sign right here, please.
Kramer: Okay. [The clerk hands him a manila envelope]. Thanks. [opens the envelope] Assman? Oh, no, these don't belong to me. I'm not the Assman. I think there's been a mistake.
Clerk: What's your name again?
Kramer: Cosmo Kramer.
Clerk: [checks computer again] Cosmo Kramer. You are the Assman.
Kramer: No! I'm not the Assman.
Clerk: Well, as far as the state of New York is concerned, you are.

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Quote from Kramer

George: So, did you get your new plates?
Kramer: Oh, yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates.
George: What do they say?
Kramer: Assman.
Jerry: Assman?
Kramer: Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!

Quote from George

George: An eye job? Ma, you don't need an eye job.
Estelle Costanza: Georgie, I'm a divorcee.
George: No, you're not a divorcee. You're just separated. You're- You're a separatee.
Estelle Costanza: Well, I'm out there, George.
George: No, you're not out there.
Estelle Costanza: I am, too!
George: You're not out there! You can't be, because I am out there. And if I see you out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence!

Quote from Estelle Costanza

George: Hey, look at that. They got lobster on the menu. Who would order a lobster here? I mean, do they bring a lobster in everyday hoping today's the day.
Estelle Costanza: So what if they have a lobster? Suddenly you're a shell-fish connoisseur.
George: You know, I think we really need to be in front of a television set. You take T.V. out of this relationship, it is just torture.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The worst part about a car breaking down is when you're out on the road and you're a guy. Because now you have to get out and pretend like you know what you're doing. You gotta go, "All right, honey, I'm gonna go check it out." Walk around the front, open up the hood. That's good, 'cause it obscures her view. That's the main reason you want to do that. You're looking in there, you know. You're hoping you're going to see something in there so simple, so obvious, so incredibly easy to fix, even you can handle it. Like a giant on/off switch turned off.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?
George: Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.
Jerry: It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass.
Kramer: Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.
Jerry: Yeah. Proctologist.
George: Come on! No doctor would put that on his car.
Kramer: Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million-to-one shot, Doc. Million-to-one."

Quote from George

George: What's to think about? If Puddy says it's what it is, it's what it is. He's not gonna cheat you.
Jerry: Except that it's not Puddy.
George: What happened to Puddy?
Jerry: Eh, we had a little fight about the move. I took her to this other place. I think they might be trying to screw me.
George: Well, of course they're trying to screw you. What do you think? That's what they do. They can make up anything. Nobody knows. "By the way, you need a new Johnson rod in here." "Oh, a Johnson rod. Yeah, well, you better put one of those on."

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: Is it something I said?
Elaine: Yes! As a matter of fact! David Puddy won't do the move anymore.
Jerry: Really?
Elaine: Oh, he's come up with some other move. You should see this thing.
Jerry: What is it?
Elaine: Oh, it's a lot of just fancy-shmancy stuff. You know what it's like? It's like a big budget movie with a story that goes nowhere.
Jerry: Huh.
Elaine: I mean, this move is no good, Jerry. It's just taking up a lot of my time. And I will not stand by and allow him to perform this move on me, while a perfectly good move is just sitting in the barn doing nothing!

Quote from David Puddy

Jerry: Hey, what's the story? I hear you're doing my move.
David Puddy: What move?
Jerry: What move? My move. The one I told you about. You used it on Elaine.
David Puddy: You're move? What, are you kidding? I was doing that before I knew you. All you told me about was the ending.
Jerry: The ending is the whole thing. Without the ending, it's nothing. You had nothing.
David Puddy: Oh, that ending was so obvious. I would have figured it out anyway. I didn't need you to tell me that stupid twist.
Jerry: Swirl.
David Puddy: Whatever. I don't even do it.
Jerry: Oh, yeah, I know. You do the pinch.
David Puddy: Yeah, that's right.

Quote from Kramer

[After Kramer pulls into a parking space marked "Doctors Only", a security guard approaches him as he gets out of the car]
Security Guard: Can I help you?
Kramer: Ah, yeah. Doctor Cosmo Kramer. [points to "Assman" plate] Proctology.
Security Guard: Oh, oh, okay. Sure...
Kramer: Thanks. Have a good day.

Quote from Frank Costanza

Estelle Costanza: You can't face the fact that I'm improving myself.
Frank Costanza: You're not the only one improving yourself. I worked out with a dumbbell yesterday. I feel vigorous!

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: I don't know what it is, but I just can't see you with a mechanic.
Elaine: Oh, yeah. Right, right. Well, all those mechanics do is work all day with their hands and their big, muscular arms on machines, and then they come home dripping with animal sexuality like Stanley Kowalski. What a huge turn-off that is.
Jerry: All right.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: How are you? [kisses Estelle on the cheek]
Estelle Costanza: So, Kramer. I'm getting an eye job.
Kramer: Oh, yeah, good for you. Hey, you have to look your best. You're out there now.
George: She's not out there!
Kramer: So, who is your doctor?
Estelle Costanza: Uh, Bakersoll.
Kramer: [whistles] He's good. He's very good. He worked on this kid from Guatemala with no nose. Turned him into Ricardo Montalban.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Here you go, buddy.
Jerry: What is it?
Kramer: It's fusilli Jerry! It's made from fusilli pasta. You see the microphone?
Jerry: When did you do this?
Kramer: In my spare time. You know, I'm working on one of you, George. I'm using ravioli. See, the hard part is to find a pasta that captures the individual.
Jerry: Oh. Why fusilli?
Kramer: Because you're silly. Get it? [hands the fusilli to Jerry] Yeah...
Jerry: Well, thank you very much.

Quote from David Puddy

Elaine: [under the covers] Oh, god! Oh, god, Dave! Oh, yes! Yes!
David Puddy: [gets out from under the covers] No, I'm sorry.
Elaine: What?!!
David Puddy: I can't do the move.
Elaine: What?
David Puddy: Oh, he's ruined it for me.
Elaine: Oh, oh, come on, please?
David Puddy: No, he called me a hack. I'm just not into doing it anymore.
Elaine: Oh, so- So that's it?
David Puddy: I'll come up with some new stuff.

Quote from George

George: Let me ask you a question. This new move. Is there a knuckle involved in any way?
Elaine: Yes. As a matter of fact, there is.
George: I think that's mine.
Elaine: I'm not surprised.

Quote from Frank Costanza

Estelle Costanza: Don't upset me! I can't cry!
Frank Costanza: Getting an eye job like some Manhattanite, huh?
Estelle Costanza: Well, it's already working. Kramer made a pass at me.
Frank Costanza: Kramer made a pass at you? You're crazy.
Estelle Costanza: I'm not crazy. He stopped short and made a grab.
Frank Costanza: He stopped short? That's my move. I'm gonna kill him!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: $1600? That's all? Ooh, they are ripping me off.
Elaine: So what are you going to do?
Jerry: Well, that's it. I'm going back to Puddy. No move is worth this.
Elaine: Oh! You mean you don't care if he does the move anymore?
Jerry: Are you kidding? He can do every move I've ever done! Do you know what a good mechanic is worth? You can't compare that to sex.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: If I wasn't there, I wouldn't have believed it.
Elaine: Me either.
George: They say this guy's the best.
Jerry: He had to use corkscrew pasta.
[Jerry, George and Elaine shift uncomfortably in their seats]

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Jerry. Jerry, come here. Take a look at this. The name on the boat. Look at it.
Jerry: Assman!
Kramer: Yeah. He's the Assman! Jerry, he's the Assman!
Dr. Cooperman: [enters] Which one is the son?
George: [stands up] I am.
Dr. Cooperman: Ah. I'm Doctor Cooperman. I just want you to know that this won't take long. And he's going to be fine.
Kramer: Excuse me, uh... You didn't by any chance recently get the wrong license plates?
Dr. Cooperman: Yes. I'm still waiting for the motor vehicle bureau to straighten it out.
Kramer: So you're the Assman.
Frank Costanza: [o.s.] Million-to-one-shot, Doc. Million-to-one.


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