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‘The Boyfriend’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Boyfriend

317. The Boyfriend

Aired February 12, 1992

Jerry meets baseball legend Keith Hernandez and wants to make a good impression. George goes to drastic lengths to hang onto his unemployment check. Meanwhile, Hernandez takes an interest in Elaine, and Kramer and Newman have unfinished business with Hernandez.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: See, to me, going to the health club, you see all these people and they're working out, and they're training and they're getting in shape, but the strange thing is nobody is really getting in shape for anything. The only reason that you're getting in shape is that so you can get through the workout. So we're working out, so that we'll be in shape, for when we have to do our exercise. This is the whole thing. The other thing I don't get about it, is why we're so careful about locking up our dirty towels and smelly jock-straps. What exactly is the black market on these disgusting gym clothes? I'll give my car to any valet guy in front of a restaurant because he has a short red jacket. "Yeah, he must be the valet guy." I don't even think about it, but my stinking, putrefied gym clothes, I got one of these locks you could put a bullet through it and it won't open. That stuff is safe.

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Quote from George

Mrs. Sokol: You know you only have two more weeks before your benefits run out.
George: Yes, and I was hoping to get a thirteen week extension if that's possible.
Mrs. Sokol:So where have you been looking for work?
George: Well, you know what I've discovered, Mrs. Sokol, it's not so much the looking as the listening. I listen for work. And as I'm looking and listening I am also looking. You can't discount looking. It's sort of a combination. It's looking, and listening, listening and looking. But you must look.
Mrs. Sokol: Can you be specific about any of these companies?
George: Specific. Ah, let's see. I've walked in and out of so many buildings they all blend together. I, uh...
Mrs. Sokol: Well just give me one name.
George: Absolutely, uh... Lets see... There's, uh, Vandalay Industries. I just saw them. I got very close there. Very close.
Mrs. Sokol: And what type of company is that?
George: Latex. Latex manufacturing, Mrs. Sokol.
Mrs. Sokol: And you interviewed there?
George: Yes, for a sales position. Latex salesman. The selling of latex, and latex-related products. They just wouldn't give me a chance. Damn it!
Mrs. Sokol: Now, I'm going to need an address and a phone number for this, uh, Vandalay company.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: When you're in your thirties, it's very hard to make a new friend. Whatever the group is that you've got now that's who you're going with. You're not interviewing, you're not looking at any new people, you're not interested in seeing any applications. They don't know the places. They don't know the food. They don't know the activities. If I meet a guy in a club on the gym or someplace, "I'm sure you're a very nice person. You seem to have a lot of potential. But we're just not hiring right now." Of course, when you're a kid, you can be friends with anybody. Remember when you were a little kid what were the qualifications? If someone's in front of my house now, that's my friend. They're my friend. That's it. Are you a grown up? No. Great! Come on in. Jump up and down on my bed. And if you have anything in common at all... "You like Cherry Soda? I like Cherry Soda! We'll be best friends!"

Quote from Newman

Jerry: Unfortunately, the immutable laws of physics contradict the whole premise of your account. Allow me to reconstruct this if I may for Miss Benes, as I've heard this story a number of times. Newman, Kramer, if you'll indulge me. According to your story, Hernandez passes you and starts walking up the ramp. Then you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple striking Newman between the third and forth rib. The spit then came off the rib, made a right turn, hitting Newman in the right wrist, causing him to drop his baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, pauses in mid air, mind you, makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh. That is one magic luggie.
Newman: Well, that's the way it happened.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: My friend's got a baby. "Gotta see the baby. You've got to come over and see the baby." [shakes head] Nobody ever wants you to come over and see their grandfather, do they? "You've got to see my grandfather. You've got to see him. He's so cute. 168 pounds, 4 ounces. I love them when they're this age. He's a thousand months. You know, the mid-80s is such a great time for the grand-people. You've got to see him. He went to the bathroom by himself today." You know what's tough about seeing people when they have a baby, is that you have to match their level of enthusiasm. You know what I mean? They're always so excited. "What do you think of him? What do you think?" Just once I would like to meet a couple that goes, "You know, we're not that happy with him, frankly. I think we really made a mistake with him. We should have got an aquarium. You want him? We don't even want him. You want him?"

Quote from George

Jerry: You know, I know this sounds a little arrogant but I never thought she would find anyone she'd like better than me. But, you know, I guess I had my chance and that's that.
George: You know what I would like to do? I would really like to have sex with a tall woman. I mean really tall. Like a like a giant. Like 6' 5''.
Jerry: Really?
George: What was the tallest woman you ever slept with?
Jerry: I don't know. 6' 3''.
George: Wow! God! You see this is all I think about. Sleeping with a giant. It's my life's ambition.

Quote from Newman

Newman: June 14, 1987. Mets/Phillies. We're enjoying a beautiful afternoon in the right field stands when a crucial Hernandez error to a five run Phillies ninth. Cost the Mets the game.
[spoken over Zapruder-style footage of Kramer and Newman at the game:]
Kramer: Our day was ruined. There was a lot of people, you know. They were waiting by the player's parking lot. Now, we're coming down the ramp... Newman was in front of me. Keith was coming toward us, as he passes Newman turns and says, " Nice game pretty boy." Keith continued past us up the ramp.
Newman: Then, a second later, something happened that changed us in a deep and profound way front that day forward.
Elaine: What was it?
Kramer: He spit on us. And I screamed out, "I'm hit!"
Newman: Then I turned and the spit ricochet of him and it hit me.
Elaine: Wow! What a story.

Quote from George

George: Did anybody call here asking for Vandalay industries?
Jerry: No. What happened to you?
George: All right, listen closely. I was at the unemployment office. And I told them that I was very close
to getting a job with Vandalay Industries and I gave them your phone number. So, when now when the phone
rings, you've got to answer "Vandalay Industries".
Jerry: I'm Vandalay Industries?
George: Right.
Jerry: And what is that?
George: You're in latex.
Jerry: Latex? And what do I do with latex?
George: I don't know. You manufacture it.
Elaine: Right here in this little apartment?

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: When you're moving, your whole world becomes boxes. That's all you think about is boxes. Boxes. Where are there boxes? You just wander down the street going in and out of stores. "Are there boxes here? Have you seen any boxes?" I mean, it's all you think about. You can't even talk to people because you can't concentrate. "Shut up. I'm looking for boxes." Just after a while, you become like really into it you can smell them. You walk into a store. "There's boxes here. Don't tell me you don't have boxes. Dammit, I can smell them!" You become, like, obsessed. "I love the smell of cardboard in the morning." You could be at a funeral. Everyone's mourning crying around, and you're looking at the casket. "That's a nice box. Does anyone know where that guy got that box? When he's done with it, do you think I could get that? it's got some nice handles on it." And that's what death is really. It's the last big move of your life. The hearse is like the van. The pallbearers are your close friends, the only ones you could ask to help you with a big move like that. And the casket is that great perfect box you've been waiting for your whole life. The only problem is, once you find it you're in it.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, you know this is the first time we've ever seen each other naked.
Jerry: Believe me, I didn't see anything.
Kramer: Oh, you didn't sneak a peak?
Jerry: No, did you?
Kramer: Yeah, I snuck a peak.
Jerry: Why?
Kramer: Why not? Hey, what about you George?
George: Yeah, I... I snuck a peak. But it was so fast I didn't see anything. It was just a blur.
Jerry: I made a conscious effort not to look. There's certain information I just don't want to have.

Quote from George

George: Wow, Keith Hernandez. He's such a great player.
Jerry: Yeah, he's a real smart guy too. He's a Civil War buff.
George: I'd love to be a Civil War buff. What do you have to do to be a buff?
Jerry: So Biff wants to be a buff? Well, sleeping less than 18 hours a day would be a start.
George: [chuckles] You know, I only got two weeks left of unemployment. I got to prove I've been looking for a job to get an extension.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: It's been three days and he hasn't called.
Elaine: Well, maybe you should call him.
Jerry: I can't. I can't
Elaine: Why not?
Jerry: I don't know. I just feel he should call me.
Elaine: What's the difference?
Jerry: You don't understand, Elaine. I don't want to be overanxious. If he wants to see me he has my number, he should call.
Elaine: Ech, look at this ashtray. I hate cigarettes.
Jerry: I can't stand these guys. You give your number to them and then they don't call. Why do they do that?
Elaine: I'm sorry, honey.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I mean, I thought he liked me. I really thought he liked me. We were getting along. He came over to me. I didn't go over to him.
Elaine: I know.
Jerry: Why did he come over to me if he didn't want to see me?
Elaine: I know.
Jerry: What did he come over to me if he didn't want to see me? I mean here, I meet this guy this great guy, a baseball player, best guy I ever met in my life. Well, that's it. I'm never giving my number out to another guy again.
Elaine: Sometimes I've given my number out to guys, and it takes them a month to call.
Jerry: Huh. Good, good. Well, if he's calling in a month he's got a prayer!
Elaine: You know, maybe he's been busy. Maybe he's been out of town?
Jerry: Oh, what, they don't have phones out of town? I love how people say they're too busy. Too busy. Pick up a phone! It takes two minutes. How can you be too busy?

Quote from George

George: You like gum? 'Cause I have a friend in the gum business. I got a gum guy. I make one phone call. I got boxes of delivered right to your door.
Mrs. Sokol: The address!
George: [high-pitched] The address is... Jose Jimenez. You recognize it?
Mrs. Sokol: No.
George: Jose Jimenez. Very funny. He's very funny.

Quote from George

Mrs. Sokol: The address.
George: Uh... Uh... Vandalay Industries is, uh, 129 West 81st street. It's a very small industry, Vandalay. It's one of the reasons I wanted to, uh, work for them.
Mrs. Sokol: The phone number.
George: That's, uh, KL5-8383. Are you calling them soon? Because they keep very strange hours.
Mrs. Sokol: As soon as I'm done wit you!
George: Sure. Well, uh, you know I'll check in with you next week. Uh, I gotta run now because I got a full plate this afternoon. All right, really go to uh... [George runs down hall]

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: What happened to your head when you got hit?
Kramer: Well. Uh, well my head went back and to the left.
Jerry: Say that again.
Kramer: Back and to the left
Jerry: Back and to the left. Back and to the left.
Elaine: So, what are you saying?
Jerry: I am saying that the spit could not have come from behind. That there had to have been a second spitter, behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the spitter was behind you as you claimed, that would have caused your head to pitch forward.
Elaine: So the spit could have only come from the front and to the right.
Jerry: But that is not what they would have you believe.
Newman: I'm leaving. Jerry's a nut. [exits]
Kramer: Wait, wait... [exits]
Jerry: The sad thing is we may never know the real truth.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: And what do I say about you?
George: You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.
Jerry: I'm going to hire you as my latex salesman?
George: Right.
Jerry: I don't think so. Why would I do that?
George: Because I asked you to.
Jerry: If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk pushing papers around, you can forget it. I have enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff.

Quote from George

Kramer: [answers Jerry's phone] Hello. What-delay Industries?
Elaine: No, no...
George: [o.s.] Vandalay. Say Vandalay!
Kramer: No, you're way, way, way off. Well, yeah, that's the right number but this is an apartment.
George: [runs from the bathroom] Vandalay! Say- [trips] Vandalay Industries!
Kramer: No problem. No problem. [hangs up] How did you know who that was?
[Jerry returns and finds George, with his pants around his leg, lying on the floor]
Jerry: And you want to be my latex salesman.

Quote from George

Mrs. Sokol: Just sign here please.
George: I know who it was, too. It was the guy who interviewed me. He was very threatened by me. I mean, why else wouldn't he hire me? I could sell latex like that [snaps fingers].
Mrs. Sokol: Sign that.
George: [sees photo] Who is this?
Mrs. Sokol: It's my daughter.
George: This is your daughter? My God! My God! I I hope you don't mind my saying. She is breathtaking.
Mrs. Sokol: You think so?
George: Ah, would you take this picture away from me. Just take it away and put it away. Let me just sign this and go.
Mrs. Sokol: You know, she doesn't even have a boyfriend.
George: Okay. Okay. Who do you think you're talking to? What are you- Are you trying to make a joke, because it's not funny. I can tell you that.
Mrs. Sokol: I'm serious. She doesn't.
George: You know, it's one think to not give me the extension, but to tease and to torture me like this. There's no call for that.
Mrs. Sokol: Would you like her phone number?
George: Mrs. Sokol, I, I don't know what to say. I, uh... Where should I sign this thing?
Mrs. Sokol: No, no, no. Don't worry about it.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Unemployment's a tough thing. Even after you get a job, they take unemployment out of your check every week and show it to you in that little box. How good can it be for your confidence that every paycheck you get has the word unemployment on it? You can't get it out of your mind. You just got the job. They're already getting ready for you to be laid off. I have a friend who's unemployed. He's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked this hard in his life to keep this thing going. He's down there every week, waiting on the lines, and getting interviewed, and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea the effort and energy he is expending to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise. I'm sure of it. The guy is doing a tremendous job not working.

Quote from Kramer

Carol: So how do you think she looks like?
Kramer: Lyndon Johnson.
Carol: What? Lyndon Johnson?
Jerry: He's joking.
Kramer: I'm not joking. She looks like Lyndon Johnson.

Quote from George

Carrie: Thank you for a wonderful time, George.
George: Glad you enjoyed it.
Carrie: I haven't had a Big Mac in a long time.
George: Billions and billions.
Carrie: Would you like to come up?
George: Would I like to come up? I would love to come up. I, I'm fighting not to. Fighting! Unfortunately, I, uh, have to get an early start tomorrow. Gotta' get up and hit that pavement
Carrie: But it's Saturday. All the offices are closed.
George: I got me an appointment with a hardware store. I'm not saying I want to do it for the rest of my life, but, uh, hardware fascinates me. Don't you love to make a key?

Quote from George

Jerry: She likes him. I mean, she really likes him.
George: How do you know?
Jerry: Who wouldn't like him? I like him. And I'm a guy.
George: I suppose he's an attractive man, I...
Jerry: Forget that. He's a ball player. MVP, 1979. I'm making wise cracks in some night club. This guy was in game six. They're a perfect match. They, like, go together. They're like one of these brother and sister couples that look alike.
George: Hate those couples. I could never bee one of those couples. There are no bald woman around. You know?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: So I guess it's fair to say you've set different goals for yourself than say, Thomas Edison, Magellan, these types of people.
George: Magellan? You like Magellan?
Jerry: Oh, yeah, My favorite explorer. Around the world. Come on.
George: Who do you like?
George: I like de Soto.
Jerry: De Soto? What did he do?
George: Discovered the Mississippi.
Jerry: Oh. Yeah, like they wouldn't have found that anyway.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hello.
Keith Hernandez: Hello.
Kramer: Oh, you don't remember me.
Keith Hernandez: No should I?
Kramer: Yeah, you should. I certainly remember you. Let me refresh your memory.
Newman: [enters] June 14th, 1987. Mets Phillies. You made a big error. Cost the Mets the game. Then you're coming up the parking lot ramp.
Keith Hernandez: And you said, "Nice game, pretty boy."
Kramer: Ah, you remember.
Newman: And then you spit on us.
Keith Hernandez: Hey, I didn't spit at you.
Newman: Oh, yeah, right.

Quote from Newman

[Plays over Zapruder-style documentary footage:]
Keith Hernandez: Well lookit, the way I remember it, I was walking up the ramp. I was upset about the game. That's when you called me pretty boy. It ticked me off. I started to turn around to say something and as I turned around I saw Roger McDowell behind the bushes over by that gravely road. Anyway, he was talking to someone and they were talking to you. I tried to scream out but it was too late. It was already on its way.
Jerry: I told you!
Newman: Wow, it was McDowell.
Jerry: But why? Why McDowell?
Kramer: Well, maybe because we were sitting in the right field stands cursing at him in the bullpen all game.
Newman: He must have caught a glimpse of us when I poured that beer on his head.
Newman: It was McDowell.
Kramer: Oh boy. Uh, look uh, Keith, uh, we're sorry.
Newman: Yeah, I couldn't be sorrier. I uh.
Keith Hernandez: Look guys, don't worry about it, I... Uh, well I guess I better get going.

Quote from George

George: Keith, Keith! Wh- What happened? Where's Keith?
Jerry: You just missed him. He just left. What do you need him for?
George: [out the window] Keith! Keith! Up here. Can you do me a favor? I need you to go to the unemployment office with me. I, I'm Jerry's friend. The guy from the locker room. I'm the chucker! It'll take five minutes. Wait! Wait! [gives up]
Jerry: Well, Biff, what's next?
George: I don't know.
Tall Woman: [enters] Excuse me. I was walking behind you and you dropped your wallet.


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