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‘The Boyfriend’ Quotes Page 1 of 6    

Seinfeld: The Boyfriend

317. The Boyfriend

Aired February 12, 1992

Jerry meets baseball legend Keith Hernandez and wants to make a good impression. George goes to drastic lengths to hang onto his unemployment check. Meanwhile, Hernandez takes an interest in Elaine, and Kramer and Newman have unfinished business with Hernandez.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: See, to me, going to the health club, you see all these people and they're working out, and they're training and they're getting in shape, but the strange thing is nobody is really getting in shape for anything. The only reason that you're getting in shape is that so you can get through the workout. So we're working out, so that we'll be in shape, for when we have to do our exercise. This is the whole thing. The other thing I don't get about it, is why we're so careful about locking up our dirty towels and smelly jock-straps. What exactly is the black market on these disgusting gym clothes? I'll give my car to any valet guy in front of a restaurant because he has a short red jacket. "Yeah, he must be the valet guy." I don't even think about it, but my stinking, putrefied gym clothes, I got one of these locks you could put a bullet through it and it won't open. That stuff is safe.

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Quote from George

Mrs. Sokol: So where have you been looking for work?
George: Well, you know what I've discovered, Mrs. Sokol, it's not so much the looking as the listening. I listen for work. And as I'm looking and listening, I am also looking. You can't discount looking. It's sort of a combination. It's looking, and listening, listening and looking. But you must look.
Mrs. Sokol: Can you be specific about any of these companies?
George: Specific. Ah, let's see. I've walked in and out of so many buildings they all blend together. I, uh...
Mrs. Sokol: Well, just give me one name.
George: Absolutely, uh... Lets see... There's, uh, Vandelay Industries. I just saw them. I got very close there. Very close.
Mrs. Sokol: And what type of company is that?
George: Latex. Latex manufacturing, Mrs. Sokol.
Mrs. Sokol: And you interviewed there?
George: Yes, for a sales position. Latex salesman. The selling of latex, and latex-related products. They just wouldn't give me a chance. Damn it!

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: When you're in your thirties, it's very hard to make a new friend. Whatever the group is that you've got now that's who you're going with. You're not interviewing, you're not looking at any new people, you're not interested in seeing any applications. They don't know the places. They don't know the food. They don't know the activities. If I meet a guy in a club on the gym or someplace, "I'm sure you're a very nice person. You seem to have a lot of potential. But we're just not hiring right now." Of course, when you're a kid, you can be friends with anybody. Remember when you were a little kid what were the qualifications? If someone's in front of my house now, that's my friend. They're my friend. That's it. Are you a grown up? No. Great! Come on in. Jump up and down on my bed. And if you have anything in common at all... "You like Cherry Soda? I like Cherry Soda! We'll be best friends!"

Quote from Newman

Jerry: Unfortunately, the immutable laws of physics contradict the whole premise of your account. Allow me to reconstruct this if I may for Miss Benes, as I've heard this story a number of times. Newman, Kramer, if you'll indulge me. According to your story, Hernandez passes you and starts walking up the ramp. Then you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple striking Newman between the third and forth rib. The spit then came off the rib, made a right turn, hitting Newman in the right wrist, causing him to drop his baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, pauses in mid air, mind you, makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh. That is one magic luggie.
Newman: Well, that's the way it happened.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: My friend's got a baby. "Gotta see the baby. You've got to come over and see the baby." [shakes head] Nobody ever wants you to come over and see their grandfather, do they? "You've got to see my grandfather. You've got to see him. He's so cute. 168 pounds, 4 ounces. I love them when they're this age. He's a thousand months. You know, the mid-80s is such a great time for the grand-people. You've got to see him. He went to the bathroom by himself today." You know what's tough about seeing people when they have a baby, is that you have to match their level of enthusiasm. You know what I mean? They're always so excited. "What do you think of him? What do you think?" Just once I would like to meet a couple that goes, "You know, we're not that happy with him, frankly. I think we really made a mistake with him. We should have got an aquarium. You want him? We don't even want him. You want him?"

Quote from George

Jerry: You know, I know this sounds a little arrogant but I never thought she would find anyone she'd like better than me. But, you know, I guess I had my chance and that's that.
George: You know what I would like to do? I would really like to have sex with a tall woman. I mean really tall. Like a like a giant. Like 6' 5''.
Jerry: Really?
George: What was the tallest woman you ever slept with?
Jerry: I don't know. 6' 3''.
George: Wow! God! You see this is all I think about. Sleeping with a giant. It's my life's ambition.

Quote from Newman

Newman: June 14, 1987. Mets/Phillies. We're enjoying a beautiful afternoon in the right field stands when a crucial Hernandez error to a five run Phillies ninth. Cost the Mets the game.
[spoken over Zapruder-style footage of Kramer and Newman at the game:]
Kramer: Our day was ruined. There was a lot of people, you know. They were waiting by the player's parking lot. Now, we're coming down the ramp... Newman was in front of me. Keith was coming toward us, as he passes Newman turns and says, " Nice game pretty boy." Keith continued past us up the ramp.
Newman: Then, a second later, something happened that changed us in a deep and profound way front that day forward.
Elaine: What was it?
Kramer: He spit on us. And I screamed out, "I'm hit!"
Newman: Then I turned and the spit ricochet of him and it hit me.
Elaine: Wow! What a story.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: When you're moving, your whole world becomes boxes. That's all you think about is boxes. Boxes. Where are there boxes? You just wander down the street going in and out of stores. "Are there boxes here? Have you seen any boxes?" I mean, it's all you think about. You can't even talk to people because you can't concentrate. "Shut up. I'm looking for boxes." Just after a while, you become like really into it you can smell them. You walk into a store. "There's boxes here. Don't tell me you don't have boxes. Dammit, I can smell them!" You become, like, obsessed. "I love the smell of cardboard in the morning." You could be at a funeral. Everyone's mourning crying around, and you're looking at the casket. "That's a nice box. Does anyone know where that guy got that box? When he's done with it, do you think I could get that? it's got some nice handles on it." And that's what death is really. It's the last big move of your life. The hearse is like the van. The pallbearers are your close friends, the only ones you could ask to help you with a big move like that. And the casket is that great perfect box you've been waiting for your whole life. The only problem is, once you find it you're in it.

Quote from George

George: Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay industries?
Jerry: No. What happened to you?
George: All right, listen closely. I was at the unemployment office. And I told them that I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries and I gave them your phone number. So, when now when the phone rings, you've got to answer "Vandelay Industries".
Jerry: I'm Vandelay Industries?
George: Right.
Jerry: And what is that?
George: You're in latex.
Jerry: Latex? And what do I do with latex?
George: I don't know. You manufacture it.
Elaine: Right here in this little apartment?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, you know this is the first time we've ever seen each other naked.
Jerry: Believe me, I didn't see anything.
Kramer: Oh, you didn't sneak a peak?
Jerry: No, did you?
Kramer: Yeah, I snuck a peak.
Jerry: Why?
Kramer: Why not? Hey, what about you George?
George: Yeah, I... I snuck a peak. But it was so fast I didn't see anything. It was just a blur.
Jerry: I made a conscious effort not to look. There's certain information I just don't want to have.

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