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‘The Bookstore’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Bookstore

917. The Bookstore

Aired April 9, 1998

George is forced to a buy a book after taking it into the bathroom at a book store. Jerry sees his Uncle Leo stealing a book. Meanwhile, Elaine pretends to date a co-worker she made out with, and Kramer and Newman start a rickshaw business.

Quote from George

George: They made me buy it. A hundred bucks this thing cost me. How dare they?! I got news for you, if it wasn't for the toilet, there would be no books.
Jerry: Yeah. I understand Guttenberg used to spend a lot of time in there.
George: They're selling coffee, bran muffins. You're surrounded by reading material. It's entrapment!
Jerry: "French Impressionist Paintings"?
George: I find the soothing pastorial images very conduc-
Jerry: Thank you very much.
George: Well, I'm gonna go back there later and return it when there's different people working. You want to catch a movie?
Jerry: I can't. I'm meeting Uncle Leo. I saw him shoplifting at the bookstore.
George: All right, Leo! Sticking it to the man!

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Quote from George

George: May I ask, what do you read in the bathroom?
Jerry: I don't read in the bathroom.
George: Well, aren't you something?

Quote from J. Peterman

J. Peterman: Elaine, do you have a moment? It's about your lover.
Elaine: Oh, yes. I know all about his little performance in the break room.
J. Peterman: Elaine, who among us hasn't snuck into the break room to nibble on a love newton?
Elaine: Love newton?
J. Peterman: I'm afraid the problem with Zach is more serious. He's back on the horse, Elaine. Smack. White palace. The Chinamen's nightcap.
Elaine: An addict? Well, it just keeps getting better!
J. Peterman: And, in a tiny way, I almost feel responsible. I'm the one who sent him to Thailand in search of low-cost whistles. Filled his head with pseudo-erotic tales of my own opium excursions. Plus, I have him some phone numbers of places he could score near the hotel.

Quote from George

Rebecca DeMornay: So, you want to donate this to charity?
George: Well, I assume there's some sort of write-off.
Rebecca DeMornay: What's the value of the book?
George: Uh, about two hundred dollars, Miss DeMooney.
Rebecca DeMornay: It's DeMornay. Rebecca DeMornay.
George: Oh.
Rebecca DeMornay: [opens cover] Oh, wait a second. This book has been in the bathroom.
George: Wh- What are you talking about? That- That's ridiculous.
Rebecca DeMornay: It's been flagged. I know. I used to work in a Brentano's. Mister, we're trying to help the homeless here. It's bad enough that we have some nut out there trying to strap them to a rickshaw!
George: All right, I, I'll just take fifty. Do- Do we have a deal?
Rebecca DeMornay: Yeah, and here it is: You get your toilet book out of here, and I won't jump over this counter and punch you in the brain!
George: I could take it in merchandise.
Rebecca DeMornay: Here I come.

Quote from George

Manager: Excuse me, Sir. What are you doing?
George: I'm all set.
Manager: Did you take that book with you into the bathroom?
George: What do you want to hear?

Quote from Uncle Leo

Uncle Leo: Jerry, hello.
Jerry: So, Leo, how's everything? You doing Okay?
Uncle Leo: I still have the ringing in the ears. Sounds like the phone.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah. But what about money? Are you strapped? Do you need a little?
Uncle Leo: What, are you kidding? I should you loaning you money! But I'm not.
Jerry: Leo, I saw you in Brentano's yesterday.
Uncle Leo: Why didn't you say hello?
Jerry: Because you were too busy stealing a book.
Uncle Leo: You still say hello.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: So, this book'll tell me how to get puke out of cashmere?
Cashier: Yeah.
Jerry: So, the worst is over?
Elaine: Yeah. Now I can break up with him. He's clean, and I'm the office hero.
Jerry: Seems like you're better at fake relationships than real ones.
Elaine: Yeah, huh. I even got an idea out of it. The Detox Poncho.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Jerry, look at all these pagodas, huh? I gotta get over to Hong Kong before it all goes back to China.
Jerry: You better hurry.
George: I'm gonna hit the head.
Kramer: Oh, boy, look at this. Hong Kong's outlawed the rickshaw. See, I always thought those would be perfect for New York.
Jerry: Yes. The city needs more slow-moving wicker vehicles.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: Sleeping in the car again?
Elaine: Cocktail flu.
Jerry: Oh, right. The big party.
George: You, uh, didn't dance again, did you?
Elaine: No, I found a better way to humiliate myself. There was this guy, and we had a few too many..
George: You went home with him?
Elaine: Worse. We made out at the table like our plane was going down.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: Ah, the drunken make-out. An office classic. Did you end up xeroxing anything?
Elaine: Do you know how embarrassing this is to someone in my position?
Jerry: What's your position?
Elaine: I am an associate.
George: Hey, me too.
Waitress: Yeah, me too.
Elaine: Oh, God. Why did I do this? Now I'm the office skank.
George: Well, unless you tell everybody you're dating.
Elaine: Oh, right. Because if we're dating, what everyone saw was just a beautiful moment between two lovers.
Jerry: As opposed to a spirited bout of skanko Roman wrestling.
Elaine: Oh, bravo.

Quote from Uncle Leo

Jerry: Leo, I saw you steal.
Uncle Leo: Oh, they don't care. We all do it.
Jerry: Who, criminals?
Uncle Leo: Senior citizens. No big deal.
Jerry: You could get arrested.
Uncle Leo: Arrested? Come on! I'm an old man. I'm confused! I thought I paid for it. What's my name? Could you take me home?
Jerry: Leo.
Uncle Leo: All right, all right. Mr. Goody Two-Shoes. You made your point.
Jerry: Thank you.
Uncle Leo: Will somebody answer that damn phone?!

Quote from George

George: Yes, I, uh, I need to return this book.
Cashier: I'm sorry, we can't take this book back.
George: Why not?
Cashier: It's been flagged.
George: Flagged?
Cashier: It's been in the bathroom.
George: It says that on the computer?
Cashier: Please take it home. We don't want it near the other books.
George: Well, you just lost a lot of business! Because I love to read!

Quote from Helen Seinfeld

Jerry: [on the phone] Mom, I didn't rat out Uncle Leo. I just wanted the guard to scare him straight.
Helen Seinfeld: Jerry, he won't last a day in prison.
Jerry: [scoffs] Prison. I'm sure it's just a fine.
Morty Seinfeld: She's got priors.
Jerry: Prior convictions? Leo?
Helen Seinfeld: It was a crime of passion. Leave it alone.

Quote from Helen Seinfeld

Morty Seinfeld: Besides, it's not stealing if it's something you need.
Jerry: What does that mean?
Helen Seinfeld: Nobody pays for everything.
Jerry: You're stealing too?!
Morty Seinfeld: Nothing. Batteries. Well, they wear out so quick.
Jerry: Mom, you too?
Helen Seinfeld: Sometimes your father forgets, so I have to steal them.

Quote from George

George: Well, I've been to every Brentano's. This thing's flagged in every database in town.
Jerry: Is it so horrible to have to keep a book?
George: I don't understand what the big deal is. They let you try on pants.
Jerry: Not underpants.

Quote from J. Peterman

Elaine: Look, uh, Mr. Peterman, the fact is that I was planning on breaking up with Zach anyway. He was cheating on me!
J. Peterman: Damn it, Elaine, that wasn't Zach. That was the yam-yam. Now, he is going cold turkey. And you will be at his side.
Elaine: Oh. Well, you know, I had planned to uh-
J. Peterman: No buts, Elaine. Or I will strip you of your 'associate' status. Uh, P.S., the first twenty-four hours are the worst. Better bring a poncho.

Quote from George

Jerry: George? What are you doing here?
George: I can't sell the book. It's been marked.
Jerry: It certainly has.
George: So, I'm gonna steal another one, and then return it. That way, everything is even.
Jerry: You defile one book, steal another, ask for your money back, and to you that's even?
George: I'm going in!


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