Elaine: Oh, don't you know what this means? It's like working with Tolstoy.
Jerry: Hey, you know what, I read the most unbelievable thing about Tolstoy the other day. Did you know the original title for "War and Peace" was "War - What Is It Good For?"!
Elaine: Ha ha.
Jerry: No, no. I'm not kidding, Elaine. It's true. His mistress didn't like the title and insisted that he change it to "War and Peace"!
Elaine: But it's a line from that song.
Jerry: That's where they got it from.

Mr. Lippman: You know, Tolstoy use to write in the village square. The faces inspired him.
Testikov: He did not need any inspiration. God spoke through his pen.
Elaine: Oh, that is so true! Although, one wonders if "War and Peace" would has been as highly acclaimed as it was had it been published under its original title, "War - What Is It Good For?"
Mr. Lippman: What?
Elaine: Yes. Mr. Lippman, it was his mistress who insisted he called it "War and Peace."
Mr. Lippman: Elaine.
Elaine: "War - What Is It Good For." [sings] Absolutely nothin'! Ho! Say it again. [to Testikov] It's a song. They got that from Tolstoy.

George: So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I was terrified! But I pressed on. And as I made my way past the breakers, a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things but I tell you, Jerry, at that moment, I was a marine biologist!
Elaine: George, I was just reading this thing in the papers, it's amazing!
George: I know. I was just telling them the story.
Kramer: Come on, George, finish the story.
George: The sea was angry that day, my friends. Like an old man trying to return soup at a deli! I got about fifty-feet out and then suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you, he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing I could see directly into the eye of the great fish!
Jerry: Mammal.
George: Whatever.
Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George: Well, then, from out of nowhere a huge tidal wave lifted, tossed like a cork and I found myself on top of him face to face with the blow-hole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around and pulled out the obstruction!
[George pulls out a golf ball. Jerry and George stare at Kramer.]
Kramer: What is that a Titleist? A hole in one, huh?

George: [on the phone] Algae. Obviously plankton. I don't know what else I can tell you. Oh, I just got back from a trip to the Galapagos Islands. I was living with the turtles.

George: I don't know what you had to tell her that for. You put me in a very difficult position. Marine Biologist?! I'm very uncomfortable with this whole thing.
Jerry: You know, with all due respect, I would think it's right up your alley.
George: Well, it's not up my alley! It's one thing if I make it up. I know what I'm doing. I know my alleys! You got me in the Galapagos Islands living with the turtles, I don't know where the hell I am.
Jerry: Well, you came in the other day with all that whale stuff, the squeaking and the squealing.
George: Why couldn't you make me an architect? You know I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect.

Jerry: Well, the crowd most have gone wild!
George: Oh, yes. Yes. Yes, Jerry, they were all over me. It was like Rocky 1. Diane came up to me, threw her arms around me, and kissed me. We both had tears streaming down our faces. I never saw anyone so beautiful. It was at that moment that I decided to tell her I was not a marine biologist.
Jerry: Wow. What did she say?
George: She told me to "Go to hell!" and I took the bus home.

George: Then, of course with evolution, the octopus lost the nostrils and took on the more familiar look that we know today.
Diane: Really?
George: But if you still look closely you can see a bump where the nose use to be. Yeah, but enough about fish I can talk about other things, you know, like architecture.

George: Did you see that whale thing on TV last night?
Jerry: No.
George: I'm such a huge whale fan. These marine biologists were showing how they communicate with each other with these squeaks and squeals. What a fish!
Jerry: It's a mammal.
George: Whatever.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I love these nature shows. I'll watch any kind of nature show. And it's amazing how you can always relate to whatever they're talking about. You know, like, you're watching the African dung beetle and you're going, "Boy, his life is a lot like mine." And you always root for whichever animal is the star of the show that week. Like, if it's the antelope, and there's a lion chasing the antelope, you'll go, "Run, antelope, run! Use your speed. Get away." Then next week, it's the lion and then you're going, "Get the antelope. Eat him. Bite his ass! Trap him. Don't let him use his speed."

Jerry: Your mother reads your mail?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: What do you mean like post-cards?
George: No, anything.
Jerry: She doesn't open?
George: She'll open!
Jerry: You've caught your mother opening envelopes!
George: Yeah.
Jerry: What did she say?
George: "I was curious."
Jerry: Isn't that against the law?
George: Maybe I can get her locked up.