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‘The Marine Biologist’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Marine Biologist

514. The Marine Biologist

Aired February 10, 1994

Jerry tells an old college classmate that George is a marine biologist. Elaine embarrasses herself in front of a famed Russian writer. Meanwhile, Kramer practices his golf game out on the beach.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: Oh, don't you know what this means? It's like working with Tolstoy.
Jerry: Hey, you know what, I read the most unbelievable thing about Tolstoy the other day. Did you know the original title for "War and Peace" was "War - What Is It Good For?"!
Elaine: Ha ha.
Jerry: No, no. I'm not kidding, Elaine. It's true. His mistress didn't like the title and insisted that he change it to "War and Peace"!
Elaine: But it's a line from that song.
Jerry: That's where they got it from.

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Quote from Elaine

Mr. Lippman: You know, Tolstoy use to write in the village square. The faces inspired him.
Testikov: He did not need any inspiration. God spoke through his pen.
Elaine: Oh, that is so true! Although, one wonders if "War and Peace" would has been as highly acclaimed as it was had it been published under its original title, "War - What Is It Good For?"
Mr. Lippman: What?
Elaine: Yes. Mr. Lippman, it was his mistress who insisted he called it "War and Peace."
Mr. Lippman: Elaine.
Elaine: "War - What Is It Good For." [sings] Absolutely nothin'! Ho! Say it again. [to Testikov] It's a song. They got that from Tolstoy.

Quote from George

George: So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I was terrified! But I pressed on. And as I made my way past the breakers, a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things but I tell you, Jerry, at that moment, I was a marine biologist!
Elaine: George, I was just reading this thing in the papers, it's amazing!
George: I know. I was just telling them the story.
Kramer: Come on, George, finish the story.
George: The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to return soup at a deli!
George: I got about fifty-feet out and then suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling I realized something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing I could see directly into the eye of the great fish!
Jerry: Mammal.
George: Whatever.
Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George: Well, then, from out of nowhere a huge title wave lifted, tossed like a cork and I found myself on top of him face to face with the blow-hole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around and pulled out the obstruction!
[George pulls out a golf ball. Jerry and George stare at Kramer.]
Kramer: What is that a Titleist? A hole in one, huh?

Quote from George

George: [on the phone] Algae. Obviously plankton. I don't know what else I can tell you. Oh, I just got back from a trip to the Galapagos Islands. I was living with the turtles.

Quote from George

Jerry: I did it for you.
George: I don't know what you had to tell her that for. You put me in a very difficult position. Marine Biologist?! I'm very uncomfortable with this whole thing.
Jerry: You know, with all due respect, I would think it's right up your alley.
George: Well, it's not up my alley! It's one thing if I make it up. I know what I'm doing. I know my alleys! You got me in the Galapagos Islands living with the turtles, I don't know where the hell I am.
Jerry: Well, you came in the other day with all that whale stuff, the squeaking and the squealing.
George: Why couldn't you make me an architect? You know I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect. Well, I'm supposed to see her tomorrow, I'm gonna tell her what's going on. Maybe she likes me for me.

Quote from George

Jerry: Well, the crowd most have gone wild!
George: Oh, yes. Yes. Yes, Jerry, they were all over me. It was like Rocky 1. Diane came up to me, threw her arms around me, and kissed me. We both had tears streaming down our faces. I never saw anyone so beautiful. It was at that moment that I decided to tell her I was not a marine biologist.
Jerry: Wow. What did she say?
George: She told me to "Go to hell!" and I took the bus home.

Quote from George

George: Then, of course with evolution, the octopus lost the nostrils and took on the more familiar look that we know today.
Diane: Really?
George: But if you still look closely you can see a bump where the nose use to be. Yeah, but enough about fish I can talk about other things, you know, like architecture.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I love these nature shows. I'll watch any kind of nature show. And it's amazing how you can always relate to whatever they're talking about. You know, like, you're watching the African dung beetle and you're going, "Boy, his life is a lot like mine." And you always root for whichever animal is the star of the show that week. Like, if it's the antelope, and there's a lion chasing the antelope, you'll go, "Run, antelope, run! Use your speed. Get away." Then next week, it's the lion and then you're going, "Get the antelope. Eat him. Bite his ass! Trap him. Don't let him use his speed."

Quote from George

Jerry: Your mother reads your mail?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: What do you mean like post-cards?
George: No, anything.
Jerry: She doesn't open?
George: She'll open!
Jerry: You've caught your mother opening envelopes!
George: Yeah.
Jerry: What did she say?
George: "I was curious."
Jerry: Isn't that against the law?
George: Maybe I can get her locked up.

Quote from George

George: Did you see that whale thing on TV last night?
Jerry: No.
George: I'm such a huge whale fan. These marine biologists were showing how they communicate with each other with these squeaks and squeals, what a fish!
Jerry: It's a mammal.
George: Whatever.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Who wants to have some fun!
Jerry: I do.
George: I do.
Kramer: Are you just saying you want to have fun or do you really want to have fun?!
Jerry: I really wanna have some fun.
George: I'm just saying I wanna have some fun.
Kramer: Right now there are six-hundred Titleists that I got at the driving range in the trunk of my car. Why don't we drive out to Rockaway and hit them into the ocean! Now, picture this. We find a nice sweet spot between the dunes, we take out our drivers, we tea up and... that ball goes sailing up into the sky holds there for a moment and then... gulp!

Quote from Jerry

Diane: I got the Alumni magazine. You know, what ever happened to your friend George? I never see him in there.
Jerry: Well, he's kind of modest.
Diane: He was always such a goof-off. I mean, did he ever get anywhere?
Jerry: Sure.
Diane: Yeah? What field?
Jerry: Marine biology.
Diane: George is a marine biologist?!
Jerry: Yeah. A pretty damn good one, too.
Diane: I can't believe it I mean I would never had thought..
Jerry: Yeah, he's specializing in whales. He's working on lowering the cholesterol level in whales. All that blubber, it's quite unhealthy. It's the largest mammal on earth, but as George says "they don't have to be."

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Now, I should tell you, at this point, she's under the impression the you are a.....
George: A what?
Jerry: A marine biologist.
George: A marine biologist? Why am I a marine biologist?
Jerry: I may have mentioned it.
George: But I'm not a marine biologist!
Jerry: I'm aware of that.
George: So?
Jerry: You don't think it's a good job.
George: I didn't even know it was a job.
Jerry: Oh, it's a fascinating field!
George: Well, what if she calls. What am I supposed to say?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, you want these? [throws golf clubs down] I don't want em!
Jerry: What?
Kramer: I stink! I can't play! The ball is just sitting there, Jerry, and I can't hit it! I only hit one really good ball that went way out!
Jerry: Well, what happened?
Kramer: I have no concentration!
[Kramer starts to scratch his body and rip his coat off]
Jerry: What- What- What's wrong with you?
Kramer: Sand. I can't get rid of the sand. Look there is still some in here. It won't go away! Look, I even got sand in the pockets!
Jerry: Hey, you're getting it all over the floor!

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: So, what do you have to say for yourself?
Elaine: So, what do you have to say for yourself?
Jerry: Why should I have anything for say for myself?
Elaine: "War - What is it good for?"!
Jerry: [chuckles] Who told you?
Elaine: [chuckles] Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer! Hello?
Jerry: You told Testikov that Tolstoy wanted to name his book "War - What Is It Good For?"
Elaine: Uh-huh. And do you know what happened?
Jerry: Can I take a guess?
Elaine: Oh, please.
Jerry: Oh I don't know, he threw your organizer out the window?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: You know what room Testikov's in?
Elaine: Yeah, 308. I'm crazy for doing this.
Jerry: Well, you want to get your organizer back don't you?
Elaine: Why are you so interested in this? You want to take her out?
Jerry: You know, when Superman saves someone no one asks if he's trying to hit on her.
Elaine: Well, you're not Superman.
Jerry: Well, you're not Lois Lane.


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