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‘The Chinese Woman’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Chinese Woman

604. The Chinese Woman

Aired October 13, 1994

Jerry starts dating a woman he spoke to on the phone named Donna Chang. Meanwhile, Elaine gets in the middle of another of Noreen's relationships, and Frank Costanza is seen in the city with a caped man.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Well, looks like you've adjusted to the boxers.
Kramer: Well, I wouldn't go as far as that.
Jerry: You went back to the Jockeys?
Kramer: Wrong again.
Jerry: Oh, no.
Elaine: What? What?
Jerry: Don't you see what's going on here? No boxers, no Jockeys.
Elaine: Eww.
Jerry: The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine.
Jerry: Kramer, say it isn't so.
Kramer: Oh, it be so. I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it!
Jerry: Don't you need a little help?
Kramer: Surprisingly, no. I'm free. I'm unfettered. I feel like a naked, innocent boy roaming the countryside.

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Quote from Estelle Costanza

Estelle Costanza: You're not Chinese?
Donna: No.
Estelle Costanza: I thought you were Chinese.
Donna: I'm from Long Island.
Estelle Costanza: Long Island? I thought I was getting advice from a Chinese woman.
Donna: I'm sorry.
Estelle Costanza: Well, then that changes everything.
George: What?
Estelle Costanza: She's not Chinese. I was duped!
George: So what? She still gave you advice. What's the difference if she's not Chinese?
Estelle Costanza: I'm not taking advice from some girl from Long Island.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Here, take my Jockey shorts.
Elaine: Whoa, whoa!
Jerry: Hey, what is that?
Kramer: Look, you gotta help me. I have to get off Jockey shorts.
Jerry: What, you have low sperm count?
Kramer: Very low! Come on, take them.
Jerry: I don't want them.
Kramer: Jerry, look, you gotta help. If I have one pair in my house, I'll wear them.
Jerry: I don't want them.
Kramer: All it takes is one pair.
Jerry: I'm not gonna be able to sleep if those are in the house.
Kramer: Boxers! How do you wear these things? Look at that. They're bagging up. They're rising here. And there's nothing holding me in place. I'm flipping, I'm flopping. What am I gonna do? Jerry, I'm going crazy in these things. [exits]
Jerry: Well, I'm gonna have to move now.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: What would you say if I told you I never impregnated a woman?
Jerry: Really? You never slipped one past the goalie in all these years? Boy, I'm surprised. You've slept with a lot of women.
Kramer: A lot of women! Do you think maybe I'm... depleted?
Jerry: Well, I'm sure you're not totally depleted.
Kramer: Yeah, but what if I am? I'm the last male Kramer. We're facing extinction.
Jerry: So go to a fertility clinic, have your sperm count check.
Kramer: Yeah, but then I'd have to... Well, you know.... Into a cup in the middle of the day?
Elaine: What, does that conflict with your regular schedule?

Quote from Frank Costanza

George: All right, so let me ask you a question. Who was the man in the cape?
Frank Costanza: He was my lawyer.
George: Your lawyer wears a cape?
Frank Costanza: Yeah. So what?
George: Who wears a cape?
Frank Costanza: He's very independent. He doesn't follow the trends.
Estelle Costanza: He looks ridiculous in that thing.
Frank Costanza: You have no eye for fashion!
Estelle Costanza: I have no eye for fashion?

Quote from George

George: Oh, my God! You know what I just realized? If they get divorced and live in two separate places, that's twice as many visits.
Jerry: I never thought of that.
George: Imagine if I had to see them both on the same day. It's like running a double marathon.

Quote from Jerry

George: You know what this has to do with?
Elaine: What?
George: The man in the cape. I bet you he is mixed up in this. I don't trust men in capes.
Jerry: You can't cast aspersions on someone just because they're wearing a cape. Superman wore a cape. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and let you say something bad about him.
George: All right, Superman's the exception.

Quote from Frank Costanza

Frank Costanza: You know what I like about Manhattan? There's no mosquitoes.
George: There's plenty of mosquitoes.
Frank Costanza: Queens is full of mosquitoes.
George: So, Dad-
Frank Costanza: Gnats, too, if I'm not mistaken.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I think the thing I admire most about the Chinese is that they're hanging in there with the chopsticks. Because if you think about it, you know, they've seen the fork by now. I'm sure they've seen the spoon. They're going, "Yeah, they're okay. We're gonna stay with the sticks." I mean, I don't know how they missed it. Thousands of years ago, Chinese farmer gets up has his breakfast with the chopsticks goes out and works all day in the field with a shovel. Hello? Shovel? Not going out there plowing 40 acres with a couple of pool cues.

Quote from Kramer

Elaine: You got a comfort problem there?
Kramer: No, I think these Jockeys shrunk.
Elaine: I thought you wore silk underwear.
Kramer: No. Well, you know, I wore them for about a month, but I couldn't stick with it. I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. My boys need a house.
Elaine: That's nice. Listen, Kramer, you know, if you ever wanna have kids, you shouldn't wear briefs. Boxers are much better for your sperm count.
Kramer: Sperm count? Well, how many sperm should I have?
Elaine: A lot.

Quote from George

Elaine: Hey, George, we saw your father on the street before.
George: What's he doing in the city today?
[Jerry and Elaine shrug their shoulders]
George: You didn't ask him?
[Jerry and Elaine shake their heads]
George: You didn't say hello?
Elaine: Well, he was with someone... A man in a cape.
George: Why was he wearing a cape?
[Jerry and Elaine shrug their shoulders]
George: Was my father wearing a cape?
Jerry: No, jacket and tie. No cape.
George: Huh. A cape. What was a man with a cape doing with my father? What was my father doing with a man in a cape? Why a cape? [walks out]

Quote from Kramer

Dr. Korval: The results of your sperm test are in. Are you planning to start a family?
Kramer: Yes, I would like to very much. But I'm low, aren't l? I can feel it.
Dr. Korval: Yes, I'm afraid you're a little low.
Kramer: Oh, man! It's over. The Kramer name is finished. I'm never gonna procreate, huh?
Dr. Korval: That's not necessarily true. There are measures you can take to improve your fertility.
Kramer: All right, what? What? You tell me. I'll do anything. Come on, Doc, tell me.
Dr. Korval: First thing, you should wear boxer shorts.
Kramer: All the time?
Dr. Korval: All the time. You have to get off Jockeys right away.
Kramer: Yeah, but I've always worn Jockeys.

Quote from Frank Costanza

George: Dad, I heard you were in the city the other day.
Frank Costanza: Your mother has to tell you every move I make? I'll kill her.
George: Jerry and Elaine saw you.
Frank Costanza: They didn't say hello?
George: Well, they were in a rush.
Frank Costanza: They couldn't just say hello? Ah, the hell with them.
George: They said you were with some guy who was wearing a cape.
Frank Costanza: Elaine, I can see not saying hello. She's very... What's the word? Supercilious.
George: So, Dad...
Frank Costanza: How could Jerry not say hello?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Did they uncross the lines yet?
Donna: No, they can't find the problem. It's really getting ridicurous.
Jerry: Did you say "ridicurous"?
Donna: Ridiculous.
Jerry: I thought you said... ridicurous.

Quote from Jerry

George: Hi, I'm George.
Donna: Oh, hi. I'm Donna Chang. I just spoke to your mother before.
George: You spoke to my mother?
Donna: She was trying to call you, but...
Jerry: The rines are crossed.
George: Did you say the "rines" are crossed?
Jerry: Did l?

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: Boy, divorced. That's really too bad.
Jerry: Yeah. You know, it's a shame his parents didn't get divorced 30 years ago. He could've been normal.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: Hey, Georgie, did you have any idea that anything was wrong?
Jerry: Have you ever spent any time with these people?

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: What are you doing to this woman? This is the second relationship you've ruined for her in a few weeks.
Elaine: I know.
Jerry: First you ruin her relationship with the high-talker.
Elaine: Well, I got confused. They sound exactly the same.
Jerry: So she breaks up with him. Somehow picks up the pieces of her life, miraculously meets a new guy. You bust that up. And then just as they're reconciling, you announce to the world he's boring.
Elaine: I didn't know she'd take it so seriously.
Jerry: Apparently, you have a tremendous influence over this woman. Anything you say, she does.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: Well, let's look back at your history with this woman. Okay?
Elaine: Okay.
Jerry: First, you encouraged her to join the army. She did.
Elaine: She was lost.
Jerry: Then you suggest she goes AWOL. She did.
Elaine: Well, she didn't seem to be having so much fun.
Jerry: You know, you better make sure you never tell this woman to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge.
Elaine: Well, if I have this much influence, I'll call her and tell her to get back together with him. That's all.

Quote from Frank Costanza

Jerry: Hey, I heard the good news.
Frank Costanza: Jerry, how come you didn't say hello to me the other day?
Jerry: Elaine was in a rush.
Frank Costanza: I knew it was Elaine.

Quote from Estelle Costanza

Donna: You must be Estelle.
Estelle Costanza: Yes. Who are you?
Donna: I'm Donna Chang.
Estelle Costanza: You're not Chinese.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: So, ever since she started dating Kramer, she won't even talk to me.
Jerry: Well, Noreen listened to you like George's mother listened to the Chinese.
Elaine: You know, everybody listens to the Chinese. Look at the fortune cookie. You couldn't get away with that
at other restaurants.
Jerry: Yeah, no one's reading any rolled up messages in a knish.

Quote from George

George: Well, it had to happen. I knew it. I predicted it. Saw both of them today. What a disaster. I'm running all over Queens. First, I saw my mother. We had lunch together. I never had lunch with my mother before. It's like a date. Then we drive down to Kew Gardens, tons of traffic, I see my father. We played Clue. All day with this!


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