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‘The Money’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Money

812. The Money

Aired January 16, 1997

Jerry tries to buy back the Cadillac that his parents sold. George's parents decide to spend George's inheritance. Meanwhile, Kramer is uncomfortable sharing a bed with his girlfriend Emily (guest star Sarah Silverman), and Elaine is granted stock options at work.

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Elaine: Well, Mr Seinfeld, I..I'm not sure I understand why you want a job here.
Morty Seinfeld: What's not to understand?
Elaine: Well, for one thing, you live in Florida.
Morty Seinfeld: I'm very comfortable working out of the house. I have a phone. We have a Kinko's nearby. You know, I think that my resume speaks for itself.
Elaine: Where is your resume?
Morty Seinfeld: I don't have it. I'll mail you one.
Elaine: All right, Mr Seinfeld, I... What kind of position did you have in mind?
Morty Seinfeld: You sell clothes here, don't you?
Elaine: Yeah.
Morty Seinfeld: Well, I sold raincoats in the garment center for thirty-eight years. In 1949...
Elaine: All right. All right, all right. You come in tomorrow, we'll find something for you to do.
Morty Seinfeld: You won't regret this, Miss Benes. What time should I be in? I get up at 4:00, I could be here as early as 4:25.

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Quote from J. Peterman

J. Peterman: So, anyway, effective immediately, Miss Benes will return to her old position, at her original salary and I, of course, will return to mine. Kudos, Elaine, on a job... done.
Elaine: What about my stock options?
J. Peterman: I think not.

Quote from Estelle Costanza

George: Why is there a Cadillac parked in front of the house?
Frank Costanza: That's your mother's new car.
George: You bought that?
Frank Costanza: It's a coupe de elegance.
Estelle Costanza: Your father wanted a Mercedes, but I won't ride in a German car.

Quote from George

George: What kind of money you think your parents have?
Jerry: Excuse me?
George: I bet they have more money than mine.
Jerry: Come on, your parents have money.
George: You think?
Jerry: When did they ever spend any money?
George: Never.
Jerry: What are their living expenses?
George: Nothing.
Jerry: Where do they ever go on vacation?
George: Nowhere.

Quote from Frank Costanza

George: I been, uh, thinking about the family. Tell me, uh, about Aunt Baby.
Frank Costanza: [looks to the heavens] She's deceased.
George: Yeah. Um, why did she die so young?
Frank Costanza: [looks to Estelle] She had problems. [Estelle nods] Internal.
George: Is that common in our family?
Estelle Costanza: Well, your uncle Moe, he died a young man.
Frank Costanza: Also internal problems.
Estelle Costanza: It's that temper on your side. They're yelling and yelling and then one day, they're all gone.
Frank Costanza: What about your side? Your cousin Hennie. She was sickly from the moment I met her!
Estelle Costanza: Don't you talk about Hennie!
George: I guess you two are the lucky ones.
Frank Costanza: So far.
Estelle Costanza: Frank, if Aunt Baby were alive today, how old would she be?
Frank Costanza: She'd never make it.

Quote from Helen Seinfeld

Jerry: You sold my Cadillac to Jack Klompus?
Morty Seinfeld: And we want you to have the money.
Jerry: I don't need the money.
Morty Seinfeld: What're you talking about? You had a check bounce at the bodega.
Jerry: Oh, is that what this is all about?! I bounce a check and you sold a Cadillac?!
Helen Seinfeld: Well, also, Jerry, we read an article in the Sun Sentinel. It says stand-up comedy is not what it used to be, what with def jam and all.
Kramer: Yeah, that def jam is a force.

Quote from Kramer

Helen Seinfeld: Jerry, you know, I hear wonderful things about Bloomingdales' executive training program.
Kramer: You know, you've given this comedy thing your best shot. Yeah, you had some good observations, but it's over. Now, this Bloomingdale thing, that could be the next wave.
Jerry: [groans]

Quote from George

George: You see what just happened here?
Jerry: What?
George: She treated me to the Arabian mocha java.
Jerry: And you misinterpret this how?
George: She's sticking it to me that she makes more money than me.
Jerry: I'm sure she was just being nice buying you the coffee.
George: No, not nice. She's sticking it to me.
Jerry: You're crazy.
George: Sticking it to me, Jerry.
Jerry: George.
George: Sticking it!

Quote from George

George: How much money do you think they have?
Jerry: Few hundred grand?
George: You're saying I stand to inherit three hundred thousand dollars, is that what you're saying?!
Jerry: Of course you may not see it for twenty years.
George: Twenty years? That long?
Jerry: Does your father still eat bacon and eggs every day?
George: Fortunately, yes.
Jerry: How's your family history?
George: I have an aunt that died at seven.
Jerry: Really?
George: Aunt Baby.

Quote from Frank Costanza

George: Mom? Dad?
Estelle Costanza: Well, look who's here. [coldly] Hello, Seinfelds.
George: Wh- What are you doing here?
Frank Costanza: We're having an upscale dinner.
George: What?
Estelle Costanza: Well, after talking to you, we realized we may not have much time left.
Frank Costanza: So, we're blowing it all. Look George, it's a Pierre Cardin.

Quote from J. Peterman

J. Peterman: Oh, Elaine, this dry air is curing me like a Black Forest ham.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, you're back. [goes into his office]
Morty Seinfeld: Who's Mr. Fancy?

Quote from Frank Costanza

Kramer: Morning. [sits down] Oh, boy.
George: What the hell is going on here?
Kramer: I had some trouble at my place, so I need a little company at night to sleep.
Frank Costanza: George, your mother and I, and Kramer have been talking.
George: Oh, God.
Kramer: Uh, George, your parents can't blow through their savings in this community. It's low-rent. Now, we feel that Florida is really the place where they should be.
Frank Costanza: You can drop a grand in Disneyworld, like that!
George: Wait a minute. You're thinking of moving to Florida again?!
Estelle Costanza: Well, it's either that or we stay here, near you, and just sit on the money. What do you think we should do, Georgie?

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

J. Peterman: Now, down to business. I have had this vision of a diaphanous rum-runner scarf.
Elaine: Well, we could fly some fabric in from our silk factories, for about a thousand dollars a bolt.
Morty Seinfeld: A thousand?! I know a couple of Chinamen over there on Forty-third Street, who'll do it for half that.
Elaine: It's, uh, Asian-Americans.
Morty Seinfeld: What?
J. Peterman: Who are you?
Elaine: Don't worry, I...
Morty Seinfeld: Morty Seinfeld. I cut velvet for forty years with Harry Altman.
Elaine: Okay, Mr Seinfeld, this is not the t...
J. Peterman: Elaine, did you hire this man?
Elaine: No, no. Well, I mean, you know, he's more like an intern, you know, at best.

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

J. Peterman: And so, I made an explosive out of chick peas, and I stopped that
great rhino right in his tracks.
Morty Seinfeld: Well, it's getting kinda late, why don't we uh...
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, that can't have been the only time that you faced mortal danger.
J. Peterman: [laughs] Funny you should ask, Elaine.
Morty Seinfeld: Look, if we're gonna stay here until all hours of the night, can we at least get some food here?
J. Peterman: It's only five fifteen. So, later on that same day, I developed a great hankering for some wild honey...
Morty Seinfeld: [stands up] Okay, I'm done. I'll be back in the morning, when he's close to finished with his story.
J. Peterman: Morty. My stories are what sell these clothes.
Morty Seinfeld: Cheap fabric and dim lighting: that's how you move merchandise.
J. Peterman: Morty, you're out.
Morty Seinfeld: Ah, I never knew what the hell I was peddling with those stupid cartoons and that paper book, anyway.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: "One bright note in today's market, was the stock of retailer J. Peterman, whose founder's surprise return generated a rise of twelve and a half points."
Jerry: Mmm. That means, if you still had those stock options...
Elaine: Yeah.
George: That's a shame.
Elaine: What, are you sticking it to me?
George: What?
Elaine: I think you're sticking it to me.
Jerry: Elaine, I'm sure George is just being sympathetic.
Elaine: Sticking it!


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