Elaine Benes Quotes Page 1 of 28

Quote from The Muffin Tops

Woman: I can't believe somebody pulled the top off of this muffin.
Elaine: That was me. I'm sorry. I don't like the stumps.
Mr. Lippman: So you just eat the tops?
Elaine: Oh, yeah. It's the best part. It's crunchy. It's explosive. It's where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of does its own thing. I'll tell you. That's a million dollar idea right there. Just sell the tops.

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Quote from The Glasses

Elaine: I've got such a headache. Oh, that's another symptom!
Kramer: Of what?
Jerry: Rabies.
Kramer: Oh, that's fatal. You don't want that!
Elaine: [grabs Kramer] I know I don't want it! I don't need you to tell me what I don't want, you stupid hipster dufus!

Quote from The Andrea Doria

George: The tenant association made me give it to this guy because he was an Andrea Doria survivor.
Elaine: Andrea Doria? Isn't that the one they did the song about?
Jerry: Edmund Fitzgerald.
Elaine: I love Edmund Fitzgerald's voice.
Jerry: No, Gordon Lightfoot was the singer. Edmund Fitzgerald was the ship.
George: You could fit 15 people in that bathroom..
Elaine: I think Gordon Lightfoot was the boat.
Jerry: Yeah, and it was rammed by the Cat Stevens.

Quote from The Stall

Elaine: Excuse me. I'm sorry. This is, uh... This is kind of embarrassing... but there's no toilet paper over here.
Jane: Are you talking to me?
Elaine: Yeah. I just forgot to check, so if you could spare some...
Jane: No, I'm sorry.
Elaine: What?
Jane: No, I'm sorry. I can't spare it.
Elaine: You can't spare it?
Jane: No. There's not enough to spare.
Elaine: Well, I don't need much. Just three squares will do it.
Jane: I'm sorry, I don't have three squares. Now, if you don't mind...
Elaine: Three squares? You can't spare three squares?
Jane: No, I don't have a square to spare. I can't spare a square!
Elaine: Well, is it two-ply? Because if it's two-ply, I'll take one ply. One ply. One puny little ply. I'll take one measly ply!
Jane: Look, I don't have a square and I don't have a ply! [toilet flushes]
Elaine: No, no, don't go! I beg you!

Quote from The Sniffing Accountant

Elaine: Well, I mean if one of your close friends had a baby and I left you a message about it, I would use an exclamation point.
Jake: Well, maybe I don't use my exclamation points as haphazardly as you do.
Elaine: You don't think that someone having a baby warrants an exclamation point.
Jake: Hey, I just chalked down the message. I didn't know I was required to capture the mood of each caller.
Elaine: I just thought you would be a little more excited about a friend of mine having a baby.
Jake: Okay, I'm excited. I just don't happen to like exclamation points.
Elaine: Well, you know Jake, you should learn to use them. Like the way I'm talking right now, I would put an exclamation points at the end of all these sentences! On this one! And on that one!
Jake: Well, you can put one on this one: I'm leaving!

Quote from The Marine Biologist

Mr. Lippman: You know, Tolstoy use to write in the village square. The faces inspired him.
Testikov: He did not need any inspiration. God spoke through his pen.
Elaine: Oh, that is so true! Although, one wonders if "War and Peace" would has been as highly acclaimed as it was had it been published under its original title, "War - What Is It Good For?"
Mr. Lippman: What?
Elaine: Yes. Mr. Lippman, it was his mistress who insisted he called it "War and Peace."
Mr. Lippman: Elaine.
Elaine: "War - What Is It Good For." [sings] Absolutely nothin'! Ho! Say it again. [to Testikov] It's a song. They got that from Tolstoy.

Quote from The Label Maker

Elaine: Love the Label Baby, baby. You know, those things make great gifts. I just got one of those for Tim Whatley for Christmas.
Jerry: Tim Whatley?
Elaine: Yeah. Who sent you that one?
Jerry: One Tim Whatley!
Elaine: No, my Tim Whatley?
Jerry: The same. He sent it as a thank you for my Super Bowl tickets.
Elaine: I think this is the same one I gave him. He recycled this gift. He's a regifter!

Quote from The Big Salad

Elaine: How about if you bring me back something?
George: Sure, all right. What do you want?
Elaine: Um, hum, I don't know.. . . A big salad?
George: What big salad? I'm going to the coffee shop.
Elaine: They have big salads.
George: I've never seen a big salad.
Elaine: They have a big salad.
George: Is that what I ask for, the big salad?
Elaine: It's okay, you don't…
George: No, no. Hey I'll get it. What's in the big salad?
Jerry: Big lettuce, big carrots, tomatoes like volleyballs.

Quote from The Sponge

Elaine: Hey, I didn't even use one.
Jerry: I thought you said it was imminent.
Elaine: Yeah, it was, but then I just couldn't decide if he was really spongeworthy.
Jerry: Spongeworthy?
Elaine: Yeah, Jerry, I have to conserve these Sponges.
Jerry: But you like this guy, isn't that what the Sponges are for?
Elaine: Yes, yes, before they went off the market. But I mean, now I've got to re-evaluate my whole screening process. I can't afford to waste any of them.
George: You know, you're nuts with these sponges. George is getting frustrated!

Quote from The Little Kicks

Elaine: [on the phone] I'm telling you, Jerry, I'm getting a vibe. If I didn't know better, I'd say the staff completely lost respect for me. [Dugan mocks her dancing in the background]
Jerry: How could that be?
Elaine: Jerry, it's like the feeling is palpable. You think it could have something to do with the party?
Jerry: No, George was there, he said he had a great time.
Elaine: Oh, it's George. I bet you this is somehow George related.
Jerry: Oh, what are you talking about?
Elaine: He's like a virus. He attaches himself to a healthy host company, and the next thing you know, the entire staff's infected.

Quote from The Abstinence

Elaine: How come he's getting so smart? I stopped having sex with Ben three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese.
Jerry: Are you all right?
Elaine: I don't know. It's just the last couple of days my mind has been kind of, you know... not good.
Jerry: Wait a second, I know what's happening. The no sex thing is having a reverse effect on you.
Elaine: What? What are you talking about?
Jerry: To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, no sex, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through. You're stupid!
Elaine: I don't understand.
Jerry: Exactly.

Quote from The Contest

Elaine: John F. Kennedy Jr.
Jerry: What?
Elaine: He was in my aerobics class.
Jerry: Really? Did you talk to him?
Elaine: No, you don't understand. He was working out right in front of me. So, listen, after the class was over, I timed my walk to the door so we'd get there at the exact same moment, and he says to me, "Quite a workout."
George: "Quite a workout"? What did you say?
Elaine: I said, "Yeah."
Jerry: Good one.
Elaine: So then, listen, listen. So then, I showered and I dressed, and I saw him again, on the way out. So we're walking and talking, and he asked me my name. Ad I think I said Elaine, but, I mean, who the hell knows. And so then, he says to me: "Do you wanna split a cab uptown?" And I said, "Sure", even though I was going downtown. So, we get in the cab, and I mean, I have no idea where I'm goin', right? But this is John F. Kennedy Jr. we're talking about! So, then, he says to me, "Where do you live?" And I- And I- And I was close to your block, so I said your building. So he dropped me off in front, [laughs] and I had to take a cab all the way back downtown to my house. Oh, God..
Jerry: But the question is, are you still master of your domain?
Elaine: Oh, I'm queen of the castle.

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